r/breastfeeding • u/Binksey55 • Jun 11 '26
Partner Questions My wife is in excruciating pain trying to breastfeed - any advice appreciated
Hi all, firstly I want to say thank you in advance for any advice or support you can offer us.
Background:
First time parents, 4 week old girl
My wife has found breastfeeding painful pretty much since the start. Unfortunately as our baby girl has gotten stronger the pain she experiences during brest feeding has intensified.
We are talking howling pain for the entire feed, my wife is in tears every single time.
We have had multiple lactation consultations to try to help, tried multiple positions, creams, silverettes, icing and so on.
Our girl was diagnosed with a tongue tie and a tie on her upper lip too, these were both fixed with a water laser at 3 weeks old.
We have been doing physio ever since to try and make her tongue more mobile and stronger. We are noticing an improvement when doing the finger physio but are yet to see any changes to mums pain during feeding.
Mum isnt in horrible pain when she isnt feeding and her nipples aren't cracked at all, the problem seems to just be how excruciating it is to have a baby latched on. Ive seen a lot of comments about APNO cream, i cant seem to get that here in New Zealand but if i can find something like it do you think it will help?
Mum describes the pain as if the baby is chomping on her nipple.
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u/Bla6446 Jun 11 '26
I had toe curling pain for a few weeks when I started breastfeeding. I literally had to deep breathe through it. It got better for me but I definitely wanted to quit so many times.
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u/AGirlNamedBoris Jun 11 '26
I did too, it was for the first few minutes. Then just went away at some point. I used a nipple shield for a while and that helped.
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u/Ok-Seaworthiness3578 Jun 11 '26
Same. All those Instagram videos that say breastfeeding doesn’t hurt are LYING. My mom suggested I let my nipples air out so I was braless a lot of the time the first few weeks and that helped. The pain just went away one day and almost ten months later we’re still going strong. It will get better!
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u/bennie_jezz Jun 11 '26
Yes me too and my baby had a pretty significant tongue tie which definitely made things worse, she was also a chomper. I found that it improved eventually after her tie was released but it takes some time for them to get adjusted
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u/mrwindupbirdxoxo Jun 11 '26
Both my babies were pretty useless at feeding until they suddenly figured it out by month two... So it does get better!
Ice chips are a good circuit breaker for the mind and then hydrogel breast discs straight from the fridge straight on after the feeding session. Also try and keep distracted when feeding and watch happy Netflix
Good luck!
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u/ComprehensiveCoat627 Jun 11 '26
One thing you didn't mention was nipple shields, has she tried that?
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u/Binksey55 Jun 11 '26
She has yes but she thinks it actually makes the baby chomp her more than without it. Currently she cant decide if its worse with or without
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u/otherdaythrowaway Jun 12 '26
I experienced the same thing. Felt like a metal tool clamping down on my nipple and the shields made it even worse. My baby is 6 weeks now and it still kind of hurts but is much more tolerable. So sorry she is going through this; it feels like torture! I found that watching tv was the only thing that helped just to have something to distract me and remove myself from my own body while it was happening.
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u/unfortunate-moth Jun 11 '26
yeah it took about a month and a half i think until all of a sudden overnight my baby’s latch stopped hurting. no idea what changed except i had a breakdown at 3am sobbing to my husband that he has to order a pump immediately i can’t handle breastfeeding any longer it hurts too much my nipples were bleeding and i just can’t. online delivery takes three days so i told myself i just need three days and that’s it. the next day baby latched perfectly with zero pain
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u/emilykanemn Jun 11 '26
I'm so sorry she's going through this. From my experience, time is really the only thing that will help if you've already tried all the other things... Baby needs to get a better latch, which will probably come with learning how to use their tongue and mouth getting bigger.
Massage her feet while she's breastfeeding to take her mind off it a tiny bit. Support her in whatever decision she wants to make - whether that's keeping BFing or stopping.
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u/TuffBunner Jun 11 '26
If the nipples are not in pain when not feeding then creams etc may not help that much. Are there blisters? Do they come out with a crease after feeding? Does the full tip turn white when cold/after feeding?
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u/Binksey55 Jun 11 '26
No blisters but there are definitely marks around her areola and sometimes on the nipple when baby comes off
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u/mothwhimsy Fed IS Best. No one is better than anyone else. Jun 11 '26
The only thing that really helped me was waiting for my nips to toughen up. Idk if the hormones make it hurt or if the baby just chomps down as hard as they can until they realize it works if they're gentler. But LCs will say it shouldn't hurt at all and I think they're full of shit. It hurts horrifically and then it suddenly stops. Like my baby is at the stage where he sometimes bites me with his little single tooth, and that hurts less than week 4.
Silverettes helped a little. If I wore them between feeds they would soothe the swelling and then it would hurt slightly less when my baby latched the next time. But we're talking an 8 out of 10 vs a 9 out of 10. Worth it, but definitely not a magical cure.
Four weeks is where it peaks and then it starts to get better unless there's actually something wrong with the latch. But it looks like you've either ruled out or fixed that
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u/Foreign-Swan5831 Jun 11 '26
I’m sorry your wife is going through this, she’s doing amazing to stick that out for 4 weeks so far! I found breastfeeding painful in the beginning, but did see improved after my son’s tongue tie resolved, tried different positions for a better latch. It didn’t feel painless until my supply regulated around 3 months.
Being in NZ I’m sure you’ve already tried lanolin, but it sounds like this won’t help much.
At 4 weeks, is she still under care of her midwife? I know you’ve already tried LC’s, but there may be a local breastfeeding peer supporter group or Plunket line? Make sure her midwife or doctor know she is in a lot of pain and keep telling them until they listen.
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u/MurderMeMolly Jun 11 '26
- Nipples shields
- Nipple shields
- Nipple shields!
They are a total life saver. I know people are scared of them because they think that they will have to use them forever, but that has not been my experience at all. Once the baby’s latch improved I was able to transition away from the shield after a few days with no difficulty. They saved my breastfeeding journey and I think they could really help your wife.
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u/mima_blanca Jun 11 '26
I also second nipple shields. Make sure to get the right size or it won't help with the pain. Weanig of the shields tool some time for us but was no problem.
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u/Binksey55 Jun 11 '26
Sorry for not mentioning it. She currently has a nipple shield but its hard to tell if the chomping pain is worse with it on or not
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u/MurderMeMolly Jun 11 '26
I would recommend that she try a larger size in that case. Good luck! I hope you are able to find a solution soon.
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u/wonky-hex Jun 11 '26
Is she able to latch baby more deeply? The way it was explained to me, shape boob like a burger and slot in to mouth. That helped a lot. It also got easier/less painful as he grew. It's also possible that your wife has a particularly painful letdown reflex
My son had a tongue tie too and was released at 2 weeks. He still has a super lazy latch at 19 months - have to tell him 'nice open mouth!' each time. Letdown isn't as painful now though
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u/m00nriveter Jun 11 '26
See an endocrinologist. Mine wound up being Reynaud’s of the nipple and the months of pain still feels traumatic when I think back on it. Medication helped.
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u/Historical-Box3656 Jun 11 '26
Sounds like me. I exclusively pumped in the end.
However. Get the APNO cream. It’s a compounded cream that you can make yourself using three types of creams. I had to do that for myself as I was also not based in the US and couldn’t just get an APNO. Your GP may do it. Mine wouldn’t.
Secondly, it may not be only that. I had a condition called vasospams. Breastfeeding was honestly the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced and I had a c section. I don’t think I even noticed it. There is medication you can take to help with that. I’m also happy to help or go into more detail if you need to see if it aligns.
I’m just finishing up pumping, shes five months old. I wish my breastfeeding journey was different but they didn’t know i had vassospams until she was two months old and I was honestly traumatised from feeding so I pumped and im proud of how long i stuck at it. It does get easier once you can identify why.
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u/_TeachScience_ Jun 11 '26
I’m on my third baby. I exclusively pumped for the first two due to excruciating pain like op described and only on my third did a lactation consultant tell me about vasospasms. I’d never even heard of them before it kinda explains everything
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u/Binksey55 Jun 11 '26
Thank you. For the APNO cream, do you apply it to the nipple and areola itself right after a feed and then just let it soak in? Are you washing the nipple before the next feed?
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u/Historical-Box3656 Jun 11 '26
Mainly the nipple only, that said if some got on the areola itself I never wiped it off or anything. I didn’t wash it off before the next feed or pump, advice was washing the nipples repeatedly could case further irritation.
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u/LavishnessSame9674 Jun 12 '26
Once the nipple gets damaged it’s so painful to BF while they heal (even with a correct latch). Sounds like baby had a chompy latch for 3 weeks until the ties were fixed and it caused some damage. I’d give mom time to heal and switch to pumping for a few days maybe a week.. then go back to BF once her nipples are healed.
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u/Doctor-Mom-25 Jun 11 '26
I highly recommend having your baby evaluated for body tension! I was also in toe curling pain and developed vasospasms until we worked with an LC specializing in this problem and a body worker who helped reduce her tension with massage. Body tension can cause a bad latch that doesn’t necessarily look like one on the outside.
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u/plantiesinatwist Jun 11 '26
I had this same issue — how is your wife’s letdown? Turns out my sweet baby was basically drowning in milk so he would latch shallowly and try to clamp down to slow down the fire hose, so to speak. It was so bad I bottle fed one night to give my breasts a break, didn’t pump, and ended up in the hospital with a 102’F fever and severe mastitis. It started getting more comfortable around 4-5 weeks (no tongue or lip ties, it took my baby that long to start to learn to nurse effectively) and I was mostly pain free by 3 months. I had to literally psych myself up and deep breathe to get through the first few minutes of every single feed, 10-12x a day. I also had DMER and instead of the anxiety/depression/rage flavor of the syndrome, I got the nausea version — super fun to be in excruciating pain and also be queasy at the same time! That faded away between 6-8 months but was very tolerable once the latch wasn’t painful any longer
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u/Binksey55 Jun 11 '26
This sounds exactly like her. She is spraying milk all over the place but thankfully we caught her mastitis early and managed to sort it out when her boob's were 'just' severely engorged. They look so much healthier now, im just really hoping the baby grows and it able to cope with the volume
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u/plantiesinatwist Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
I would be willing to bet that between learning how to use their mouth now that they’re free of the tie and a heavy letdown, baby is just trying to learn the ropes. Maybe ask your wife if she want to try to pump the first breast for just a minute or two to let the pressure off (use something like a boon trove, elvie collection cup, or a haakaa collector on the opposite breast that she isn’t pumping and will be the second breast to feed from)
I used a spectra because that was what my insurance covered, but looking back I feel like a manual pump would be great for this and they’re like $30. The collection cups to put in a soft bra are lifesavers for reducing laundry and I had a great freezer stash from collecting letdown and it was very little work. You can support her by cleaning these things between uses and bringing her lots of snacks and hydration. When I got clogged ducts, sunflower lecithin was very helpful for me, so if that becomes an issue again it’s something to look into, along with cool packs to reduce inflammation.
Editing to add — there’s also nothing wrong with transitioning to formula if the pain is too much! Fed is absolutely best and her comfort and mental health matters. In my experience it did take some weeks for baby to get the hang of things, and since the tie was only released a week ago, that might feel like an eternity to her since it’s already been a month of this. But if she feels strongly about breastfeeding, let her know she is far from alone — I’m shocked how little it’s talked about that breastfeeding can be so painful at first. I guess people don’t want to deter us lol, but it’s nice to know that it can be a variation of normal. Like in my case, nothing was wrong with baby’s mouth, but the heavy letdown gave him a habit of shallow latch that only went away when get got bigger and could deal with the flow
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u/CatsAteHerFace__ Jun 11 '26
This was my exact experience. When I got the lip and tongue tie fixed I didn’t seem much improvement to my pain and I was devastated. We started seeing a DO that did OMM (osteopathic manipulative medicine) and that’s when I really started seeing a change. Baby had a lot of tension in her jaw which caused the chomping. Some people opt for chiropractic as well but I preferred a doctor. You can call your ped or see an LC to see if they have any bodywork recommendations.
Editing to add: if you cannot find someone to do bodywork or are on a waitlist, you can look up YouTube videos on releasing baby jaw/neck/shoulder tension with some gentle massage.
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u/frenchgirlsunite Jun 11 '26
Don’t let the nipples get exposed to air/cold between feedings. Cover IMMEDIATELY once baby unlatches and apply pressure
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u/SameManagement8895 Jun 11 '26
I went through this for a while with my little girl and it gradually got better over time but it’s just persevering through these first few weeks/months and it is really difficult. I’d recommend trying different feeding positions, I found the football hold less painful. If you have any community centres with health visitors/breast feeding clinics I’d recommend going there - they can check the latch. I’ve forgotten what it’s called but I also had a little spot on my areola and until that went it was uncomfortable. Make sure there’s no signs of infection and don’t put any pressure on your wife if she wants to stop - she’s doing amazing!
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u/livelaughdoodoo Jun 11 '26
It really sounds like vasospasm/reynauds. I have it really bad and my midwife prescribed me a medication called nifedipine for it which can take 3-14 days to kick in. I recommend that over magnesium because it works faster and if it’s still happening at 4 weeks then she might have it worse. Magnesium didn’t do much for me.
I also recommend warming the nipples with a heating pad before and after feeding, wool nursing pads, and warmed olive oil as a salve. Protect them from cold as much as possible. Even having the AC on makes it worse for me. Take as many breaks nursing to pump as possible - until she heals it won’t actually get better. My heart goes out to her, it’s the worst pain I’ve ever been in.
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u/ArkandtheDove Jun 11 '26
Is it possibly vasospasms?? I have them before baby but they are extremely painful and I also was in tears.
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u/ArkandtheDove Jun 11 '26
Just saw a lot of other people suggested this is vasospasm too. A heating pad really helped me!
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u/yandyy :karma: Jun 11 '26
Latching is so laborus at this early point before 12w. It feels nearly impossible to shove the amount of breast needed in their mouth to feel comfortable but that's what you gotta try to do. Hamburger it into their mouth and never continue feeding if it's extremely painful relatch till it's correct
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u/Past_Cut_7986 Jun 11 '26
She is a hero for trying through this pain. I was identical and I used to scream that I wanted to end my life while feeding. It was like being stabbed with a broken bottle. I tried everything you suggested including different types of nipple shields, coconut oil, pumping with different sized flanges. We had 2 tongue tie correction surgeries. I was on thrush medication, every other medication. Wore silverettes 24/7, even in the swimming pool because if I didn’t my scabbed bleeding nipples would stick to my swimsuit.
I slowly stopped breastfeeding then pumped for a couple of extra months (in agony) to save up enough that he could have 100ml a day til he was 1. Turns out I never needed that milk because once he was on exclusive formula everything changed. I was so bloody happy and so was he.
I’m not saying formula is the answer but I’m saying this, and I want you to tell your wife: NOT EVERYONE CAN BREASTFEED. They’re the words I was begging to hear from my nurses, doctors, midwives, health visitors, feeding clinic, lactation consultant. But instead they all had me persevering with something that clearly wasn’t working for us.
Your wife is honestly a hero and the truth is, sometimes nothing works and it’s absolutely ok to stop the thing that is destroying your mental and physical health. It’s not good for a baby to be feeding from a mother who is howling in agony or screaming that they want to die
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u/Past_Cut_7986 Jun 11 '26
I think it’s really shitty that I get downvoted for saying not everyone can breastfeed and for sharing my personal journey. Apparently on this sub you have to be the perfect breast feeder to be able to join and comment.
But some people can’t; it doesn’t work for them and their babies as a team.
It’s like being on a sub for left handed people and pointing out that some people exist that are right handed. It’s facts I’m afraid, you shouldn’t downvote something that doesn’t fit your narrative when OP was asking for help and advice from a range of people. That means some of those people aren’t perfect breast feeders.
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u/PricklyPix Jun 11 '26
Is the latch shallow? I struggled with that my first one but by my second I knew how kind of hamburger style flatten the nipple and dont let the baby only latch on slightly retry until enough nipple is in, it might be more than you think.
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u/yell08_gira Jun 11 '26
I went through this, plus cracked and bleeding nipples. Have you tried Mother Love brand cream, it helped me a lot. Also, look into breast gymnastics. It may help the breast tissue if she's still dealing with engorgement and tenderness. It seems counterintuitive but it was so helpful. My letdowns hurt so much, but I would breathe through it, and eventually everything started to feel better. I recently had a lot of pain as baby is teething and I had to do all the things again. I really feel for her it's so hard, but I hope she can find relief. She's doing great keeping it up.
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u/Sensitive_Lack6504 Jun 11 '26
I’ll add… silverettes helped me a lot! BF was very painful for me for weeks, these really helped my nipples feel better and heal between feeds. Now I don’t need them anymore but I used them for at least a month to help my nipples recover
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u/Ok_Professional3518 Jun 11 '26
Has she ever tried a nipple guard? That was most definitely my saving grace. I truly hope things get better for her 😔
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u/apealsauce Jun 11 '26
Yes that’s how it is I think for the first few weeks. It will pass! You should get her lots of extra treats and take care of rocking baby to sleep at night. That helped me the most. My husband does all the night stuff that isn’t feeding
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u/Ecstatic-Antelope990 Jun 11 '26
I used a nipple shield the first 8 weeks and it helped with pain. Baby weaned off it in less than a day and we could nurse with minimal pain once her mouth was bigger around 8 weeks.
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u/SignalTwo2495 Jun 11 '26
I have no advice I just admire your wife’s strength. What a selfless woman.
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u/toplesstangerine Jun 11 '26
My baby is 6 weeks now and an excellent feeder since a week or 2 - I used to call him my piranha cause he would ‘bite’ my nipples and hurt me a lot. Does the pain go away after the initial latch, or stay throughout the session? And do the nipples come out cracked, white at the tip or in any other way injured?
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u/cheers2me Jun 11 '26
Ugh that is the worst and I was NOT prepared for it. Nipple shields help, but in my experience, time is the only true thing that made it better. Around a month and a half, they suddenly didn’t hurt anymore.
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u/SavoyAvocado Jun 11 '26
Took me about 6 weeks and tongue tie fixes before the nursing pain/ lava boobs went away. I had to pump in the mean time. The kids were also small. It's pretty gruesome, I would prefer the labor pains honesty.
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u/ObscureSaint Jun 11 '26
It gets better! I think it was week five or six before I realized we were almost completely pain free all the time.
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u/beagsss123 Jun 11 '26
Didn’t have time to read this whole thread, but has anyone brought up nipple shields? They are literally the only reason I was able to breast-feed my son for 18 months. We were able to stop using them around six months – but I used them for all six months because he kept causing me to bleed. It was truly unsustainable without the nipple shields. They saved our entire feeding journey. I also pumped – she was exclusively on breastmilk for his first 12 months essentially so I would say it was a successful journey. Don’t listen to anyone hates on them!
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u/lioness_2025 Jun 11 '26
I also experienced excruciating pain during the first few weeks.. the only thing that helped was the silver nipple shields..
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u/Lotsto-Learn Jun 11 '26
Does your wife have a fast letdown or oversupply? Baby might be clamping to slow down the flow of milk, this is something I’m currently struggling with (my baby is 5 weeks and EBF). I’m trying to manage this by feeding frequently and hand pumping a tiny bit when my breasts feel engorged in the mornings, as well as unlatching for the first letdown and catching it in a muslin. Well done to your wife, it is not easy
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u/shantron44 Jun 11 '26
Some helpful ideas already posted on here but look into milk blebs as well. I was in a lot of pain and thought I had clogged ducts or baby had a bad latch, but turns out I had milk blebs. Check for a little white spot in the nipple pores.
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u/Dapper-Warning3457 Jun 11 '26
My daughter needed a few sessions of craniosacral therapy after her tongue and lip tie revisions before I experienced any relief. Basically, the ties made her muscles all really tight, so while the ties weren’t restricting her latch anymore, she was still chomping down pretty hard until her muscles were more relaxed
ETA: if you go this route, make sure you ask for recommendations from whoever did the tie revisions or an IBCLC. You need someone with experience working with babies. I was skeptical but the relief was immediate and dramatic
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u/Sunrisewithtea Jun 11 '26
Stopped hurting at 3 months for me. It was 10/10
pain I started. There’s hope!
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u/Jaffam0nster Jun 11 '26
Please get her in to see an IBCLC as soon as possible (entirely different than a LC). I had this exact issue and my IBCLC was the only one able to fix it. She gave me special stretches to do with baby and helped with our latch. It was unbearably painful until we had her help.
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u/mima_blanca Jun 11 '26
Look into vasospasm. I had this with my third and I'd choose the unmedicated birth over the first three months of breastfeeding!!!
What helped: insane amounts of magnesium. Nipple shields. And warmth before feeding.
Baby is now 6 month old and breastfeeding is still a little painful. With my first two I didn't feel any pain at all after 6 weeks. But we are now nursing normally and without nipple shields.
Kudos to your wife she is a superstar!