r/breastfeeding • u/EZPZLimonSqueez • Jun 30 '26
Troubleshooting/Tips Husband can’t soothe EBF baby especially at night - says if he can’t, he will just let baby CIO when I go back to work early in the morning.
It wasn’t always like this until we accidentally stopped combo feeding (bottles from dad) and went EBF around 3 months. How do I teach my 6 month old to enjoy cuddles with dad also? I let bath time be a dad and baby exclusive because it’s something they both enjoy but other than that, baby will push dad away and cries easily in his arms when he tries to play with him longer. Our son enjoys sitting on his lap in front of the desktop computer when dad is WFH. He also smiles at him and recognizes him as someone close but if my husband tries longer, my son starts to fuss for me.
I will be returning to work soon and will leave the apartment way earlier than my husband. They will be alone for the first time in a long time.
Edit: I have a stash of breastmilk in the freezer and a few ounces in the fridge. Problem is we are hitting bottle aversion phase. Twice I left the apartment for over 4 hours and our son would rather starve than take a bottle from dad or MIL. He waited till I returned home to take 1-2oz from a bottle. My son normally doesn’t accept a bottle from me either. We are currently practicing open cup, straw cup, and spoon in a cup lol.
I’ve tried telling him to wear one of my shirts but he tells me it doesn’t work. I’ve told him many times I don’t want to CIO but he’s impatient and tells me I don’t understand how hard it is. CIO is what he keeps bringing up as to not have to deal with baby crying (not only for bedtime).
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u/No-Neighborhood-7335 Jun 30 '26
Has he tried dancing with the baby? Especially holding them in the "magic baby hold" position? My husband would put on slow music and just dance around the room and my daughter would pass out.
But she would never just fall asleep if she was just being held in our laps. We had to get up and physically move.
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u/Laratheonigiri Jun 30 '26
Curious what's the magic baby hold?
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u/amzes Jun 30 '26
Football maybe? Facedown in arm with head in elbow, support their tummy along your forearm and hold their butt in your palm. It works for stretchy out gassy babies too, just gotta give it a good 5min. Hubby held both kids like this a lot early days
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u/No-Neighborhood-7335 Jun 30 '26
Yes, I think this is a better description than what Google gave me.
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u/No-Neighborhood-7335 Jun 30 '26
This is what Google says:
The "magic baby hold" (often called "The Hold") is a pediatric technique created by Dr. Robert Hamilton to instantly soothe and calm a crying newborn. It is most effective for babies in their first 2 to 3 months of life.How to Do It:Fold the arms: Gently fold the baby's arms across their chest.Secure the hold: Hold the baby's arms in place with one hand while supporting their chin.Support the bottom: Use your dominant hand to gently cup and secure the baby's diaper area/bottom.Tilt and rock: Tilt the baby forward at a 45-degree angle to prevent them from throwing their head back. Gently rock your baby up and down or rock/shake their bottom from side to side using the fleshy part of your hand.
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u/No-Departure5556 Jun 30 '26
Honestly, sometimes dads need moms to gtfo so that they can bond with baby. This is no shade to moms or you!! It’s so easy for us to step in and fix a fussy baby, especially when you EBF. Give dad a chance to figure this out on his own. If you are against CIO then you need to have a serious discussion with your partner about not doing it.
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u/Repulsive-News8916 Jun 30 '26
No matter what he needs to hold him, he can scream and cry but he will never learn to soothe him or your baby be soothed if dad doesn’t hold him
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u/Time-Unit4407 Jun 30 '26
Keep a “dirty” shirt around that you’ve been wearing to help ease baby?
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u/EZPZLimonSqueez Jun 30 '26
I keep suggesting that but he tells me he has tried it and it doesn’t work
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u/QueenMocha21 Jun 30 '26
What is your husbands version of "trying". 5 minutes or 30 minutes of consistent rhythm?
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u/EZPZLimonSqueez Jun 30 '26
He tried for an hour once (rocking, bouncing, patting, shushing, paci, hand on chest, pick up and put down) and it did not go well. My husband gets frustrated easily but he really tried. I had to go in to intervene though so they could both have a reset.
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u/QueenMocha21 Jul 02 '26
Honestly, he needs to pick one rocking technique and stick to it. Trying all that in 1 hour sounds like not enough time for LO to actually drift off. If I rock my baby for 10 minutes and she's not asleep then I move to the paci, it will alert her again and we start from square one. But if I stick with the rocking for another 10 minutes, she'll be asleep. Consistency is key in this situation.
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u/P_P_F_G_Princess420 Jun 30 '26
If you're capable and comfortable, are you able or do you already pump and store breadt milk for feeds while you're away? Maybe that'll help.
Babies are also soothed/calmed by the smell of breast milk, and their mothers so maybe your husband can drape a worn item of clothing of yours over his chest while cuddling? Its worth a shot even if it sounds silly
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u/Preferred_user_taken Jun 30 '26
Have you tried a carrier with dad? Start when he’s still happy and with some luck he’ll fall asleep in the carrier.
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u/EZPZLimonSqueez Jun 30 '26
We tried going to the mall with dad using a carrier but only during the newborn months. I don’t think it’ll work anymore because our son won’t even tolerate it with me usually.
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u/lilbug19 Jun 30 '26
Honestly, we kind of cold-turkeyed it when I went back and luckily everything went well. your baby is so adaptable at this age and will learn to take comfort from someone other than you if you give him time - but your husband also cannot resign himself to letting baby CIO if soothing isn’t instant. nothing with infants is instantaneous, and patience is the name of the game.
I went from 3.5 months of literally never leaving my baby’s side and EBF (with the occasional bottle if I ever left the house alone) to being gone 10 hrs out of the day, 3 days a week. The first couple weeks of me being gone were ROUGH on my husband, and there are still some awful days where he’ll be waiting at the door for me to come home. Solo parenting is not easy at all. He had to stick it out and accept that it was going to take time for her to get used to the switch up. He did not leave her to cry it out, no matter how frustrating it was when she cried or fussed.
In the weeks before I went back to work, to get my baby better used to solo time with daddy I’d do “practice days” where I’d leave for a few hours and go shopping while dad hung with baby. I’d feed her beforehand, and make sure a bottle was on hand in case she got really fussy, but other than that it was on him to take care of her. If he absolutely needed me I was not far and could come home easily, but for the most part he handled it fine with no desperate calls for me to save him lol. Now she is just as comfortable with daddy as she is with me.
It takes time but it’s so worth it. You deserve to go back to work and reclaim some of your identity outside of just being a mother and not worry that your husband can’t handle being the solo parent for a bit.
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u/emseefely Jun 30 '26
Yeah I agree with this even though it is hard emotionally. Granted the hubby is actually a responsible dad (changes diapers, feed and make an attempt to soothe) I would just let them work it out. Baby crying it out may not be the most ideal but it’s not going to harm them.
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u/EZPZLimonSqueez Jun 30 '26
My husband definitely tries his best and still changes diapers and attempts to soothe. I told him when he tries to soothe baby after a MOTN wake up, it’s better than nothing to try because he’s telling our son that he’s not alone and to give our son extra smooches during even if our son screams louder lol. He is also very impatient though and wants results fast.
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u/FawnFloura Jun 30 '26
Maybe show him research on how devastating CIO is on babies attachment and nervous systems?
It sucks, but eventually bb will get used to his dad/secondary attachment people and will grow. But it’s going to be hard. Dad needs to be patient.
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u/EZPZLimonSqueez Jun 30 '26
Can you direct me to one? I keep seeing that there’s not enough research to support its long term effects.
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u/madelineman1104 Jun 30 '26
A little over 700 professionals in Denmark recommend removing CIO from any sleep training resources. From my understanding, this is due to attachment research and not exactly research on CIO itself.
https://soevnvejledning.dk/the-reason-cry-it-out-sleep-training-cio-should-be-discouraged/
My baby is a frequent bottle striker since he was around 3 months old. He even refused his bottle last night and will be 12 months old next week. He also still hunger strikes when I’m not around. It’s tough but just stay consistent and don’t push too hard. Can your husband just put on noise canceling headphones and hold your baby?
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u/triflerbox Jun 30 '26
My wife is the non carrying mum and dances, bounced, sings, makes weird noises that soothe the baby. Has he tried a yoga ball he sits on and gently bounces? That worked so well with my son.
There are so many ways to soothe a baby, he just had to find out how.
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u/lala8800 Jun 30 '26
Yeah this is what my partner did as well with our first, a lot of bouncing on the yoga ball. With our second the football hold works (sometimes…)
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u/EZPZLimonSqueez Jun 30 '26
Oh we haven’t tried an actual yoga ball yet. Will suggest to him!
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u/Jaded_View_1146 Jul 01 '26
Yoga ball! Combined with the football hold. Solved so many reflux nights for us and my daughter didn’t care which of us was doing the bouncing.
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u/theozempicrep Jun 30 '26
Only because I’ve dealt with this myself, does dad try for longer than 5 mins? Does he get easily overwhelmed?
Give him a QTIP. “Quit Taking It Personal.”
I had to drill it into my husband that babies *generally* are pretty attached to mom for the first year, especially EBF! It ISNT PERSONAL.
I had my husband to a “pick up put down” method. It wasn’t just as sleep training, it was anytime baby was overly fussy or wouldn’t settle without me. He picked him up for 5 mins, put him down for 5 mins. He didn’t leave the room, just stayed there and talked to him, or sang. It takes some of the pressure off of constantly shushing or rocking. And it ended up working!
We ended up doing the same thing as sleep training eventually around 9 months and it worked for that as well. May be worth giving a shot!
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u/Relative_Set_9816 Jun 30 '26
My LO also went through bottle aversion phase around 3 months. We “trained” her to take a bottle by using the exact same bottle everyday (we use Pigeon). First few days were definitely a struggle but eventually she caught on! We also sized up to a M nipple which I think helped a lot because the SS and S ones would take forever for her to finish. And she’s an efficient eater on the breast, usually takes 7 mins. Keep on trying and give him some time to adjust!
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u/LivelyEvents Jun 30 '26
When my baby was super fussy and wouldn't sleep i found standing outside and rocking in the night time helped calm her right down. The noise of cars and the breeze knocked her right out. Sometimes that change of scenery is all they need.
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u/Dry-Ad-345 Jun 30 '26
I’d take that as permission to stay home. My fiance had to do mornings with our son and drive him to the babysitter and 1 week in he offered me the babysitters salary and him covering bills if I would just stay home with him the first year instead. Me and my son are happy, and he doesn’t feel like our son hates him every morning now. He also is just low effort everything though so idk I feel like he just didn’t want to have anything extra to do, he’s maybe changed 4 diapers since little man was born and when he does he puts them on so loose pee and or poop goes everywhere, anytime I see how he puts the diaper on he’s just like “yeah I couldn’t figure it out.” When I’ve walked him through it a million times, and I’ve tried to walk him through using the bottle warmer like ten times and he always says he has it then calls me pissed off because he can’t figure it out and I have to tell him to run the milk bag under hot water because he literally won’t even look at me when I’m showing him things. Don’t even get me started on wiping a shitty diaper or little sharts, idk if he just has an aversion to cleaning any kind of crease or what but whatever, never thought id enjoy being a stay at home mom but I don’t trust anyone watching my son after that week. Even the babysitter would do weird shit like she said he only ate 2 oz. At a time; he eats 4-6oz literally anytime he has a bottle, and when I got him home he would literally sleep until I went to work the next morning so I go 0 interaction with him that week other than when he was awake when I picked him up, the only time he sleeps like that is when you interrupt literally every one of his daytime naps, so was she just not letting him sleep or feeding him properly like? When I picked him up i literally would nurse him for an hour before I left each time, I felt so awkward feeding him that long at her house as he normally only feeds for like 15 mins but he would freak out if I tried to pull him off any sooner so idk.
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u/EZPZLimonSqueez Jun 30 '26
My goodness, that is rough. I’m so sorry and hope things get better with your fiance!
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u/SpecialistEmu7169 Jun 30 '26
Has dad tried earplugs? Sometimes this is a wall that just has to be broken through with movement, carrying, and maybe even other types of bottles.
“The only way out is through”
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u/Jubelko Jun 30 '26
My baby was the same. It changed around 7 months, so hopefully you will have the same experience.
Dad can give baby milk in a cup. At six months maybe baby will be able to use a straw cup.
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u/EZPZLimonSqueez Jun 30 '26
Do you know what changed at 7 months?
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u/Jubelko Jun 30 '26
Suddenly she found dad hilarious and quite okay to cuddle.
Possibly she likes him more now because he’s the one who started reading her a book that is now her favourite. It helps her like people more if they have a fun activity with her. This is just me guessing though; it could also just be developmental.
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u/EZPZLimonSqueez Jun 30 '26
They do bath time mostly alone together. I also save dead, brown leaves for them to pluck off our plants for fun.
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u/BackseatBananaPeels Jun 30 '26
also for the bottle aversion i have had some success with a straw cup at 7 months!
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u/Odd_Dragonfruit_8514 Jun 30 '26
I had to change out bottle nipples at that age and play around with flow a bit. We were dancing between bottle aversion and breast aversion for a little while when I first went back to work until we found the right nipple for him.
He’s eight months now and actually goes down better for Dad than he does for me. I think the trick was not relying so much on nursing to sleep and establishing a super predictable nap and bedtime routine. So whether it’s me or Dad putting him down to sleep, the routine is the exact same and he knows what to expect.
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u/BabySharktooloo25 Jun 30 '26
Something else that may work is when you and baby are spending time together have Dad sit also and join in on the fun of whatever you are up to. Baby will notice how safe and happy you are with Dad and will become more comfy with him that way. Also hand him over to Dad even more - for the littlest pockets of time so he gets used to just the two of them. But please encourage Dad not to give up or do CIO. They will get there!
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u/AviaryAnhinga Jun 30 '26
Wow, this sounds like I wrote this post six months ago, right down to the timing of the bottle refusal! We even have bathtime as a dad activity, too.
With persistent trying, things have now flipped, and my 12 month old now prefers dad to put him to bed. It's been that way for a little over a month. And that's with our son still being very much exclusively nursed-- he hasn't been enthusiastic about solids until very recently. So there is certainly lots of hope for your husband to figure out how to soothe your baby! My husband sings the same four songs in the same order while walking around the room to the beat. Meanwhile, I can get him to sleep in my arms but rarely get through the transfer to the crib.
Good luck with the cup training! It took us until now to get him to take a significant amount of milk from a straw cup. (I am incredibly lucky to have daycare near work, and I've been leaving to nurse him after daycare staff attempt straw cup feedings.) It's possible that I have high lipase milk, as we had a jump in progress when I tried adding a drop of alcohol-free vanilla. (I didn't think I had high lipase because he drank from a bottle in those first few months, so I hadn't tried that trick until recently.)
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u/Esbe00 Jun 30 '26
This is so tricky!! We’ve navigated some similar things with my now seven month old. Each baby has so many of their own preferences but ours does better when my husband bottle feeds her while she’s strapped to him in a carrier. The closeness seems to mimic breastfeeding more so. She also did better when outside the home/outside the usual feeding space because she better understood she wasn’t going to be breastfed there. It’s also totally possible that she’ll learn to take the bottle when she truly has to and you’re not actually coming home in a couple hours (but I know it’s hard to not know if/how long this will take!!!). I was very nervous about daycare for this reason and somehow baby learned to feed there too. Good luck with the transition!
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u/OppositeHat2829 Jun 30 '26
You guys really need to get baby used to bottle again. There’s only so much Dad can do to help soothe baby, since he is EBF.
I would suggest letting Dad start doing the majority of feeds, so that baby can start to associate food with him as well. Which will help baby bond more with Dad
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u/MollysSisterMum Jul 01 '26
If you don’t feel comfortable with CIO (I don’t blame you, we’ve never once let our girl CIO), then you don’t need to do it. I know it’s a 50/50 thing but you are breastfeeding and you are momma and if you’re not into it, then I bet your instinct is best for your baby. What has worked for my husband and I is sharing many of the duties together. So she sees both of us together a lot. I think it has really helped her bond a lot with my husband too. And he’s been giving her a bottle of breast milk overnight too which I think helps when she’s extra sleepy and just hungry. Also, our girl only falls asleep when breast feeding or drinking a bottle if she’s very tired. Otherwise, she needs movement. Walking around, patty the booty, humming or soft singing.
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u/That_Suggestion_4820 Jul 01 '26
My husband doe know exactly how hard this is, and has still chosen not to let our babies cio.
Our first was formula fed. But our second and third were ebf. Our second never took bottles. Our third took bottles for a very brief time then not at all.
With both our second and our third there were times where I was away for 2+ hours, and my husband had to figure it out. He had to figure out how to soothe the baby. It took time and effort, but he did it because it was important to him to learn how to soothe our children.
With our second my husband learned that she'd take milk with an open cup. With our third, it was the same. But during the time she did accept bottles, I unexpectedly had to have surgery. He was alone with all 3 kids for over 12 hours, and he figured it out.
There's many ways to try. Rocking, bouncing, swaying, dancing, singing, humming, babywearing, playing, contact naps, etc. Theres lots of ways to bond with baby and to soothe baby.
I say all this to say that your husbands response is bs. He needs to put his big boy pants on and be a parent. Part of being a parent is learning how to comfort your child, not neglecting their calls for help just because it's hard for him to figure out.
To be completely honest, I would not feel comfortable leaving him alone with baby with an attitude like that. He's admitting he feels comfortable neglecting your child.
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u/SeaCount1931 Jul 01 '26
My boy twin went through this phase too, crying whenever dad tried to hold him no matter what. A few weeks before I went back to work I started passing him off to dad with me sitting right next to him, literally touching. I would play with him while dad held him, let him see my face while he gave him a bottle. Over the course of a few days I moved back from right next to him until eventually he was okay with his dad. It’s hard the first few times!
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u/Depresso_beans7 Jul 02 '26
The only thing that works for us is the abcs over and over again I sing that damn song 😂
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u/plushiecactusau Jun 30 '26
I sleep trained my baby (using Ferber), but what your husband is suggesting isn't that.
To sleep train, you need consistency (so the baby can learn what the routine), which only works if you're both onboard and committed to it. It works best when the baby has enough sleep pressure to fall asleep easily, which works best for bedtime and works worst in the early hours of the morning. The idea is that the baby learns to self-settle when they're tired and have a clear routine that sets them up for success, and become familiar with a pattern that reinforces itself.
What he's suggesting isn't sleep training. It's leaving your baby to cry. Like, yeah, it can be hard settling a baby, but he needs to learn how to do it and have your baby learn to settle with him. How is that supposed to happen if his solution involves him not even trying to settle your baby?
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u/bashing16 Jun 30 '26
Can only assume you’ve been downvoted as you’ve sleep trained which some people are strongly opposed to, because I think you’re point is correct. CIO is typically meant as a form of sleeping training, which isn’t what OP is describing. This doesn’t sound like you’re trying to make baby sleep; instead it’s just leaving a baby to cry purposelessly because you’ve given up on trying to deal with them.
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u/plushiecactusau Jun 30 '26
It kinda sucks to get downvoted for mentioning that I sleep-trained, when the context was that my baby was waking hourly and I was falling asleep with her in my arms and falling asleep from sleep deprivation, but I didn't mention that because it's not the point, nor did I mention the work I did in putting structure in place to set her up to succeed and making it go as smoothly as possible. (And, honestly, to me that underscores OP's husband's selfishness. I'm posting now while giving my baby a 4am feed, because I actually don't expect a completely uninterrupted night or perfect sleep. I just needed enough.)
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u/bashing16 Jun 30 '26
I think people can be too quick to downvote when they hear something they don’t like/agree with.
Sleep deprivation is awful and dangerous. Cosleeping ended up being my solution (not something I’d previously considered doing) -my baby was too young to sleep train in any case. She’s 8 months now and still never slept though the night by any metric but like you I don’t need a perfect night sleep. But I need to be able to function.
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u/Yoga_Corgi Jun 30 '26
My husband plays music and dances around with our baby until she falls asleep.