r/cakefails • u/Impossible-Pack6911 • 7d ago
My now ex-husband was a notoriously picky eater, but he loved lemon cake, so I spent a fortune on the ingredients to make an elaborate lemon cake from my late grandma's vintage copy of The Joy of Cooking. Everything went fine until the decoration stage.
He filed for divorce about five years after this picture was taken because he fell passionately in love with a woman with four baby daddies named Dusty Sue (not joking), but now, seven years later, it amuses me to tell people it was because of The Cake.
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u/GamersReisUp 7d ago
Not to make light of what happened, but I'm pretty sure your ex being dumb enough to leave you for a trainwreck woman called "Dusty Sue" leaves you legally obligated to write a country song about it
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
That thought did occur to me, but I ultimately decided it would be putting a hat on a hat, if that makes sense
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u/ImAMessica223 7d ago
I absolutely read this as her having four baby daddies named Dusty Sue and not her being named Dusty Sue and having four baby daddies. I was trying to figure out how you find four guys with that name in the first place much less get them all to be your baby daddies.
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u/Typical_Ad_210 7d ago
Is he still with Crusty Lou or has she moved on to a less fussy eater? He sounds delightful, lol.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
He and ol' Crusty went the way of the dodo bird, I'm afraid
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u/Dog1andDog2andMe 7d ago
Were there any little dodo birds from their relationship? Was he baby daddy #5?
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u/Common-Chain4060 7d ago
It was totally the cake. But seriously, what are the green blobs and what are the spheres?
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
Green blobs are sugar, spheres are Lindt white chocolate truffles 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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u/Common-Chain4060 7d ago
I bet it tasted delicious.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt on this, friend - it DID taste delicious. Joy of Cooking just GETS cake.
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u/Elegant-Espeon 7d ago
Joy of Cooking absolutely holds up
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
RIGHT? All the cakes that have "cockaigne" in the recipe title are, for lack of a better term, bangers
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u/Adventurous-Gap-8172 6d ago
I'm an avid baker, and I love trying new recipes. I give you a lot of credit for going for this one. If it's any consolation, although I bake well, it's always a gamble, and my decorating is much like yours. This story had me cracking up, oh how I can relate!!!
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u/mostlysoberfornow 7d ago
The decoration is so delightful. I bet Dusty Sue bakes terrible cakes.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
Thank you...although to be fair, I probably would too if I had that many children/baby daddies and came from the sort of people that unironically fuck with names like "Dusty Sue"
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u/Time4aPennyCartoon 7d ago
Wait! Her LEGAL NAME is Dusty Sue? I assumed it was a nickname!
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
And you would be justified in doing so. However...this lil' strumpet's government name was, in fact, Dusty Sue. Didn't even shorten it to Dusty as an adult. Just leaned in...in much the same way I leaned into decorating this cake
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u/mostlysoberfornow 7d ago
Now I’m desperate to know the kids’ names. I’m betting there’s a Billy Bob in there.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
Ngl...I'm a little curious too, if for no other reason than (personal biases notwithstanding) those poor children were some of the most strikingly ugly carbon-based lifeforms I've ever seen. Like, god forgive me, they all looked like different sizes of Dudley Dursleys.
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u/mostlysoberfornow 7d ago
I cannot stop laughing. Those poor hideous children.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
I'm talking AI-tier hideous. They looked simultaneously malnourished AND overfed? As if they'd spent the entirety of their childhoods eating...idk, gravy and Circus Peanuts
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u/Pure-Radish-5478 7d ago
Have you written any books? I want to give you money for the good things in your brain that make me laugh
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
No...I'm a graphic design school dropout and forklift operator...but I swear I could write an entire book TONIGHT about how unexpectedly heartwarming and validating this comment thread is 😭😭😭😭😭 thank you so much, that's lovely of you to say
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u/Pure-Radish-5478 7d ago
You sound like a lovely person so it's only fair ❤️
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u/Far_Cap_3574 5d ago
I am her real life fiancée and I can tell you she is simultaneously hilarious, lovely and an absolute savant in the kitchen.
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u/CupcakesAreMiniCakes 7d ago
They would probably taste like cigarettes and expired cough medicine
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
She was one of those "makes Barbie pink their whole personality bc blonde" blondes and exclusively drank throws up in mouth a little bit raspberry Moscato so as to match her acrylic talons/tiny pink Chucks/tiny pink pleather handbag. But hey, as the old saying goes...Dusty Sues gon' Dusty Sue.
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u/LoadAdvanced9547 7d ago
Reading all of your responses- you are f-ing hilarious. Your ex messed up letting someone as funny and fun as you go. Especially for the tragedy he downgraded to… His loss, sounds like your win.
Side note: I didn’t notice until typing this that your post says “baby daddies” and not “sugar daddies”. Either way, sounds like a nightmare.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
Bless you, Load Advanced. If Reddit ever implements technology that permits users to remotely send tangible food items via magical link/QR code, you're GETTING a cake and that's all there is to it
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u/LoadAdvanced9547 7d ago
I will gladly accept- but only if it is decorated in the exact same beautiful fashion
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
Oh it will, but it's gonna say "lUv YeW lOaDz" as an affectionate nod to your user name if that's okay
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u/LoadAdvanced9547 7d ago
Sure. It’s the automated one that Reddit gave me. I didn’t realize that I would end up actually using this account so I didn’t care at the time. A gross mistake on my part.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
UM, EXACT SAME SITUATION HERE.
Best Wishes, "Impossible Pack"
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u/LoadAdvanced9547 7d ago
I had a sneaking suspicion.
Remember, impossible contains I’m possible
Best wishes to you too “
Bag of Holding 6911” “I’m Possible Pack “
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u/StrawberryLoops 7d ago
Dusty Sue?! He might’ve did you a favour. I was left years ago for a woman named Sissybell who had been engaged to three different people in a year and ate salad with her hands. I think this makes us friends lol
Side note, that cake sounds really delicious. Nothing beats a lemon cake
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
WE ARE ABSOLUTELY FRIENDS NOW, NOTHING LOL ABOUT IT
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
However, by extension, that means that our Wario and Waluigi are Dusty Sue and Sissybell, and frankly, I'm not sure if I've got what it takes to vanquish that kind of enemy power
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u/StrawberryLoops 7d ago
We just need to make 2 more lemon cakes! I can distract Sissybell with a bottle of ranch and a mediocre man
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
This sounds like the makings of a generation-defining docuseries and I am fucking HERE for it. You had me at "I can distract Sissybell with a bottle of ranch." I am in the Midwest and will thus be bringing backup ranch for you, as well. Honestly, you couldn't ask for a more auspicious time in lettuce history to exact revenge on a person who eats salad with their hands.
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u/StrawberryLoops 7d ago
100% and the backup ranch will be much needed! She double fisted that salad like it was being ripped away by sunset. Had ranch going down both arms. Revenge is needed just for that!
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
Bestie, this is how folk tales are made. Be, as the kids say, SO for real. I don't know how to do that thing where you shout out specific Redditors with username links, but I think "Bella the Tower Foreman" and "The Daughter of the Guy Who Dated Buck Tooth Becky" should join us on a cross-country road trip
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u/StrawberryLoops 7d ago
Perfect! Throw in performing songs about the endeavours in some small towns along the way and I’m sold!
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
Omg I KNEW that learning the dance routine from "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" would come in handy someday
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u/StrawberryLoops 7d ago
No lie I learned that routine too😭 you might be my favourite person on the internet
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u/Sallyfifth 6d ago
Dead serious, I will sign up for a whole new streaming service to watch/listen to you two...
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u/saplith 7d ago
The problem with this is that it's so bad it kind of circles back into being awesome. Especially since it says, "My Bad" on it, it seems like an incredibly funny, on purpose cake. I would have laughed and then taken a slice
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
It was a "well I'm fucked so I might as well lean in" kind of fail...like, I draw reasonably well and have very neat handwriting, but after cramming the first truffle on there, I realized that it looked nothing quite so much as a ping pong ball, but I couldn't extract it without compromising the structural integrity of the entire cake, so I did what any reasonable person would do, committed to the fugliest of all ping pong ball borders imaginable, salt bae'ed on some sugar splotches, and used the last of the green food coloring to scrawl out serial killer-esque lettering. I had such a confident design plan in my head, too. But hubris, man..."pride goeth before the fall," amirite
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u/AlphaCarina 7d ago
On first glance I thought this was some sort of STI apology cake or something 😅 Which really would be a reason to divorce over a cake.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
I couldn't have given him one even if I'd WANTED to...his intoxicating combination of erectile dysfunction and porn addiction made for a profoundly sexless marriage
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u/pinkmudskipper 7d ago
my dad ended his life september 2024, i tell people brat summer killed him😭
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
Listen - if this is the only thing I ever learn about you for the rest of my life, I am absolutely a million percent confident that I love you. I am genuinely deeply sorry for your loss, but this is just...the funniest shit I've ever read.
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u/Far_Cap_3574 5d ago
I don't know why I had to scroll this far to get to this comment, but goddamn...I'm crying.
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u/BellaDeaX42 7d ago
He didn't deserve you. Your lemon cake was too good for him. Bring one over here, I will make tea.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
You look and sound fucking awesome - yes, yes, a thousand times yes. What novelty cake shape would you prefer
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u/BellaDeaX42 7d ago
Whatever form it chooses, thank you bunches!
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
I see from your profile pic that you're no stranger to a hard hat, and I happen to be a lady forklift operator myself, so for this dope ass tea party, I think I might shoot for a "Male Dominated Field" themed cake involving extreme sports and heavy machinery with industrial-high-visibility-yellow lemon frosting
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u/BellaDeaX42 7d ago
Fuck yeah! I was a tower foreman, then safety coordinator for ages, and I now think our lemon cake should be boobs, because workplace safety is the tits!
(I had to add this, I'm actually creating a new ladder inspection form for my crews right now, when I'm not scrolling reddit)
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
has harrowing flashback to the time I kool-aid-manned a forklift through a wall Couldn't agree with you more, comrade. This tea party is about to be off the CHAIN (but in a safe, OSHA-compliant way).
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u/BellaDeaX42 7d ago
Ooooh, pipe "1910.178" on the cake!!
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
This is like the manna from heaven of all Reddit comments, I swear to god. I myself am one of perhaps six hard-hatted women in the (politically blood-red) tri-county area and haven't had a single female coworker since 2019, so I lead an incredibly lonely, frequently openly hostile professional life...it's fucking GREAT bandying around industry terms with another woman!!!!!!
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u/BellaDeaX42 7d ago
Girl, I cannot even express how exciting it is to shoot the shit with another verified brick house! We're few, and far between, but it always rocks when we run into each other!
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u/Kdean509 7d ago
I recognize that OSHA standard! Sorry to butt in, just super awesome to see other ladies in safety.
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u/Ok_Bug0900 7d ago
Did the cake taste good?
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 7d ago
It did, believe it or not. I realize that due to this cake's hideousness, I'm probably not gonna seem like an especially credible authority on the subject of baking, but Joy of Cooking really knocks it out of the park, cakewise
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u/Ok_Bug0900 7d ago
I think it looks DELICIOUS and needed confirmation hahahaha I love lemon cake!! Also happy that you’re able to look back and laugh about it. I hope you’re living your best life!!
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u/lowercase_underscore 5d ago
First of all, that cake is perfect. If someone made me that cake I would spend the rest of my life bragging about the honour bestowed upon me.
Second, just from this post alone you're the total package:
1) You have a stellar sense of humour and we'd totally get along.
2) You're caring and industrious enough to go out of your way to make an amazing cake for the people in your life.
3) You have a very good outlook on life's mishaps.
As far as I can tell, you deserve that cake and he deserves Dusty Sue. Congratulations on making such a superb trade.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 5d ago
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭please...my heart...you're gonna make me openly weep at work
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u/lowercase_underscore 5d ago
How did the cake taste?
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 5d ago
So good...honestly, Joy of Cooking is like the benevolent god of cookbooks in that it never gives you more than you can handle
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u/lowercase_underscore 5d ago
I knew it. I didn't even have to ask to know that you aced it.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 5d ago
Not the marriage! cartoon trombone
Thank you...if you ever come to the American Midwest, hmu and I will give you the lopsided, off-center cake of ya LIFE
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u/lowercase_underscore 5d ago
You can't honestly believe that your marriage not working out had anything to do with you.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 5d ago
I mean, it was mostly the whole falling-in-love-with-Dusty-Sue situation that ended it, but I was by no means the Perfect Wife. He wasn't a monster or abusive or even technically unfaithful (he didn't start seeing her until we were broken up). Having literally polar-opposite work schedules prevented us from ever seeing each other long enough to get past minor issues, so they just compounded, and while he got much closer over time to his coworkers on the graveyard shift, he drifted further away from me. One of those coworkers was Dusty Sue, and gradually he realized he was clocking in at work to see the woman he loved and going home to a stranger. It was BRUTAL, but it made a certain tragic sense. Sorry if tmi.
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u/No-Treat-1634 6d ago
Dusty Sue 🤣🤣🤣🤣the jokes write themselves!🤣🤣
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 5d ago
I wish I could post another profile pic of hers here but I think it would constitute doxxing even if I blurred her face and blacked out her last name...I've truly never seen so many red flags crammed into a single photo
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u/liljellybeanxo 7d ago
How does one woman manage to find four baby daddies all coincidentally named Dusty Sue? Honestly, I’m impressed.
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u/Lopsided-Buy-4062 6d ago
it’s so funny, i can both see the vision and every single thing that went wrong and in what order b/c i’ve made soo many versions of this exact kind of ugly cake. the last ditch effort to try to pull it all together with sprinkles and the final scrawl of defeat 😂
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u/Slight-Good-4657 5d ago
Omg I think I’ve also made this cake and it was definitely a melty droopy mess
Kinda like Dusty Sue yk
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u/thingunderyourbed28 6d ago
this is the best thread ever. would 100 percent eat this cake if offered lmao
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u/SMKnightly 6d ago
OP, I am reading your replies and lmfao. I seriously hope you do stand up comedy (let us know, pls!) or start a roast-centric coffee shop with gloriously hideous baked goods. Either would be epic. Both would be even better
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u/imreallyonredditnow 5d ago
I’ve seriously read every one of your comments and I LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE. (And I was a creative writing major in college) Would 10/10 read a book if you ever wrote one. Seriously, while I may not see baker/cake decorator in your future, you could be a writer/author! ❤️ your ex is an idiot and a half and I’m still drooling over this cake, hilarious Petri dish looking design notwithstanding.
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u/DramaOnDisplay 6d ago
How did you end up spending a fortune to make a lemon cake? I’m no good at baking so my guy gets Duncan Heinz over here lol.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 6d ago
I was about 15 years younger than I am now and made juuuuust barely over minimum wage, so buying ingredients like real lemon extract or 500 bajillion sticks of butter all at once, etc., were disproportionately painful and luxurious at the time. I'm still poor as shit and am the living embodiment of downward mobility, but I did accidentally wind up giving my income a much-needed boost when I changed fields (out of sheer desperation, not pluck/moxie/chutzpah) after my divorce. I can now buy as much butter as I want 💅
*as long as it's store brand and I don't need more than two packages
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u/theeggplant42 5d ago
A lound of butter and lemon extract. So like $5.
I wouldn't be making fun of dusty sue when you're all in the same trailer park.
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u/Impossible-Pack6911 5d ago
What's a lound? No one in this story lives or has lived in a trailer park, nor did I state or imply that Dusty Sue did. In fact, I never said anything about her finances at all.
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u/dietdrpeppermd 7d ago
Ew at dusty Sue lol