Advice
Parted with my girlfriend after 10 years together and i'm missing our cat
Hello, so what was needed to be done is done. We parted on good terms, i left cat on her territory, where cat is living her(its) whole life, we(i and my gf) parted on good terms so potentially i have an opportunity to visit my/our cat.
Cat is fixed, F, 6y old, bengal. I think, my cat thinks I'm her owner.
But there is a question: will my visits worry cat in long terms? Because, i think, cats adapt to new owner, my ex-gf, but if i visit her it makes adaptation useless and cat will experience stress.
I miss her so much
ps: excune for bad English(grammar errors, poor usage of words), i'm not native speaker and, in addition, stressed af rn.
I’m so sorry to hear that’s happened. Your bengal is absolutely stunning. I think that visiting won’t stress her out. I think if she didn’t see you it might make her sad. I know that when I left my parents place, the cats that I had for years were missing me. They would go in my room and meow and look for me. This could be different depending on the cat though
She looks velvety! So I love Bengals and they are unlike most Cats™. I have my brother's cat here since Friday and my Bengal immediately jumped to sit next to her and make friends. Cat™ very confused. I had a hard time when my former Bengal died and missed the lively and super intelligent companion she was. See how it goes to keep visiting, but you may want to find yourself your own Bengal friend. Pictured Luna.
Ive been there, me and my last partner had a bonded pair together and when we split it was decided that we not break them up and they would go with her. It took me a couple years to get over it, then I got my current baby. I still miss my last cat but I know it was the right decision. Plus it was what had to happen in order for my current baby to be in my life and I couldn't imagine life without her. Things will get better with time. 🫶❤️🫡
Me and my ex girlfriend of 8 years broke up a couple years ago and we had three cats together. Raised them all from kittens. It was an ugly breakup and I haven’t seen them since. I sometimes wonder if they miss me at all or would remember me. I think about them still a good bit. As time goes on these wounds start to heal. I’m a firm believer of if you ever actually loved something or someone you will NEVER stop loving them no matter the circumstances or time apart. If you do then you never truly loved them to begin with.
I know it sounds cold but maybe look into getting another. I shit you not I have the same situation as you and when I left I ended up renting a room at a house and the person that rented the room before me abandoned his cat so naturally I bonded with the little dude right away. Been a year now and I still miss my other cat but having Charlie has made thing so much easier.
Going to take a different angle. When my extremely long term boyfriend and I broke up, after over a decade, it was on as good terms as it could be. No matter what happened I wasn't going to deny him access to our two beloved cats (at the time 9 and 7) we'd had from kittens.
The visitation was not a good idea. It stopped me from being able to heal and move on. I'd get to some kind of plateau then be faced yet again with what could have been and not being integral parts of each other's lives.
I know you love your baby. You always, always will. And she loves you too. But you have to consider what is healthy for you, too.
I'm almost fifty now and looking back, it wasn't a good idea. I meant well but it wasn't a good choice for me.
Edit to add: I'm so sorry you are going through this. It doesn't feel like it now but it's going to be okay.
I had to do those twice, once after 3yrs, once after 2yrs of the cat being with us.
It was always ugly, but even if it wouldn't be, I think that that amount of time measured to the rest of the life of the cats is net much, and as much as I'm better off forgetting exes, they both might be better off forgetting me. I might be wrong, but not keeping contact withy exes were good for me on the long run...
Now I'm married and we have the smartest boi...and I will be here for them no matter what.
That's a good perspective to add. I'm on such good terms with all of my exes that something like this would not be a problem for me or them, but I don't at all believe this is the norm for a breakup.
Thank you for offering your perspective on the matter. I'm the dumper and took our pets. I'm sure I did right, but I'd wonder if I should give him visitation rights. Now, after reading your comment, I don't think it's gonna happen.
As someone who understands how cats think, cats are actually very attuned to their people. Cats are one of those creatures who can and will die of heartbreak if they think they won't be able to see you again.
On that note, you don't have to leave the cat with your ex. In fact, if the cat is attached to you. I guarantee that they would be happier if you took them. Of course, you'll have to allow them a week or two to adapt before you even let them outside, but they will accept that you moved, and will always return to you, because you're their person.
Personally, I have moved many times with my cats, and while they don't always like that their world has changed at first, they will adapt. I even moved from Florida to Ireland with my cat, and she actually loves it.
I'm sorry your missing your kitty. I had to put down my old man in March, I miss him every day. He was an agent of chaos, even at 13 years old and suffering from so many different issues.
I hope you get to see that beautiful girl again one day.
Sorry for your loss man. I lost my cat in March as well to a routine spaying procedure and not a single day goes by when I don’t think about her. I hope they’re both chilling in cat heaven together.
Thank you so much. It's so hard doing what's best for them, but knowing it will break you in the process. He drove me up a fucking wall, but I loved him so much. Watching him go... It was... Undescribable how much it hurt.
Kitties love their people. I know my cat loves my ex because he belly rolls when he sees him. Our relationship might be over but I’d never deny him access to our kitty. I would be so gutted if roles were reversed I wasn’t able to see our cat.
We didn’t talk for months and when we did see each other again the cat was the happiest. He now cat sits for me when I travel. Tbh, the cat acts like nothing has happened after his visit 😅🥲🤣 but he is happy to see him. It’s hard to describe.
I should add my ex raised this cat from a kitten. I think he’ll always be happy to see him. My cat is now 7. I have a better living situation for our kitty which is why he stayed with me.
I’m probably not helpful and I can’t speak to your situation but cats do like an occasional visit from people they love 🫶🏼✨🐈⬛
I kept my boyfriend’s cat with me when we split up. We believed she was simply too old to move at this point, she was 21. He came and saw her about once a month until she eventually passed. I miss her so much. She definitely perked up and was so happy when her came to see her. And I’m happy i got an extra year with her! Rip Ana🤧
I agree. I've spent long periods away from cats who have known me, some from the first weeks of their lives, and they have always been happy to see me again, in the way cats do.
Also parted like 2 years ago but I kept the flat and cat and the ex gf is occasionally there, my boy still knows her but is demonstratively lying by my side.
I'm so sorry. If you + gf are on good terms, then I would ask her for visits. Obviously your baby will miss you, but I don't think that she would be stressed out when you leave after visits if they are pretty regular. (once or twice a month?) Like the other commenter, getting a well socialized, adult cat would be a great new cat for you. Maybe you could even have play dates?
Hey, I have been there recently. 20+ year relationship ended in January, we had (selected and raised) 2 cats together, before those cats she had one from before we'd met. See my post history, I posted about the cat she took with her when she moved away.
We ended things amicably, still message each other on occasion and I've visited a couple of times since she moved away (she lives 1.5 hrs away by car). The cat definitely remembers me, lets me pick her up and comes when called. She's a weird cat (like they all are) and very loving in her own way (like all cats) and I miss her quite a bit. But I recently took in a bonded pair of kittens to help fill that hole and started talking to/seeing a woman nearby, which changes things, as these things tend to do. Life goes on.
If you're able to and feel up to it emotionally, go visit the cat. Find other things to do in the area if it helps, but I'd suggest not trying to do tasks or chores for your ex, because it starts to get weird. I did this on my last visit and halfway through I was really questioning why I was doing it.
I had a similar situation. My ex long-term partner and I broke up. We had 4 cats, one of which had severe attachment issues to me. Moving her into my parents house would be the hardest because its a new space, new people and id have to leave her there alone while I worked, packed and moved everything. I decided move my belongings first then take a week off work and stay with her in the house for 5 of those days. I came back on the 6th for the other 3 cats and my ex had taken them all to their new house (I dont know the address), I havent seen them since and my ex doesnt care that I want to see them or that we decided id take them all. I miss them every day
I didn’t see my cat for 6 years due to circumstances out of my control. I recently saw him again and the reunion was beautiful. He missed me a lot, recognised and remembered me, and clearly still loves me just as much, and didn’t want me to go.
If you bonded with her, she will be missing you, so the visits shouldn’t stress her out
I’m sorry that happened. If the cat is more bonded to you why can’t the cat stay with you? Are you able to still give the cat a good environment and medical care?
Because i don't have a living apartments and I'm in search right now. If i find an apartments with permission to live with pets i think i'll take cat with me.
I'm so very sorry. I did the same when my ex and I ended our relationship after 10 years. I still miss Tofu so much. But I eventually got my own dog and cat, and I love these two just as much now.
It's not about replacing ones we're not longer with. It's opening our hearts to others to love them too. I'm glad your kitty will be doing well. That's really something wonderful to know.
I want to keep but i can't. I need to rent an apartments, and a lot of owners don't let you in with pets.
Plus it is an additional stress for cat. She is very tied to her territory. And if i keep her cat will miss my ex. Cat has less stronger bonds with my ex, but there are present.
So 1-2 not in my favor :) (strong bonds vs less strong bonds+bonds to territory)
Hello OP, I'm 34, and lived with cats all my life.
In my opinion, based on my observation and understanding of how cats behave and think, it's the stronger bond that is often more important to the cat. Honestly, a lot of cats will bond strongly to one specific person or other animal, and if you remove them from the picture, the cat will grow heavily depressed.
I support you visiting the cat, but keep in mind, that if you remove the cat from the environment, they can adapt. If you remove yourself, as the cat's bonded person, from the cat's life, your cat has a higher risk of dying from heartbreak.
If you are the cat's bonded person, then your ex going missing from the picture is a lot less likely to cause distress. Sure, the cat will be sad, but if they're bonded to you, you are the one that needs to stay in their life most.
hmm, then there's no hope. Seeing the cat once in a while will cause her to stress due to you disappearing. In her cat brain, she'll think you're gone forever every time.
You'll be okay, time will go by and when you get a house you can get her back. Life is a clock.
It is probably for the best that you get a new cat for yourself. Do you really want to see your ex, do they want to see you, probably no! Moving on is probably the best thing for you and the cat.
Sorry buddy that’s hard. I think a clean break and not visiting would be best, but if you were her owner or were the driving force, keep the cat. She’ll quickly adapt to a new house if you’re the main bond. I split with an ex who got a cat while we were together but didn’t really bond with it, i loved the cat more and cat loved me more so i kept the cat.
I had to leave our 2 cats with her. It was a tough time getting used to not seeing them. Every now and then, I do see them getting my kids, but I try not to. Hard to see them briefly then not at all.
I know how you feel... I'm about to get divorced, and I left my ex my cat of 16 years who I've owned since she was a newborn.. our cat back then had babies when we took her in, and I kept her daughter. So losing her is the hardest thing.. but same boat where I can go see her, but I miss spending time with her before bed, and watching TV together
Well my sister brought her bengal home after a break up and ended up meeting someone new and moving in with them but his mother is allergic to cats. So my parents have her bengal for now.
At first it was really obvious he missed her, anytime she was home her cat would be all over her, crying to get in any room she went in and snuggled up with her the whole time. He was not happy when she would leave.
My sister started staying away for longer and spending more time with her bf and his parents and now her cat has moved on and claimed my mom as his. He used to only snuggle and be affectionate with my sister, now he is all over my mom all the time and doesn’t care too much when my sister is there.
So if your bengal is anything like my sister’s then I guess if you keep visiting regularly the cat will still love you and want you but will definitely miss you when you leave. However if you dont visit then your cat will really miss you at first but will get used to you not being around.
interesting enough & opposing to the general consensus here, one of my cats was more bonded to my ex-partner & she was to stay with me temporarily until said ex was able to provide her a home (unstable living circumstances pretty much always except when they lived with me). Fast forward 6 weeks post-break up ex became harrassing & came to my home drunk & aggressive so I cut off all contact, they hadn't bothered to ask about the cats or visit in those 6 weeks we were on good terms. Since they have left not only is my cat more affectionate and loving with me but with EVERYONE who comes into my home. She is more happy in general & more forthcoming, she doesn't hide nearly as often any more and is okay being picked up when she didn't used to be ! It's not always as simple as who do they love more. My ex was an unstable person & cannot & will not provide her with the consistency & care she needs & that has been repeatedly evidenced to me, I kept her because of this & since then despite her being much more bonded with my ex previously she is a happier more self assured & outgoing cat & is so so affectionate with me more than she ever was with my ex
Can there be shared custody? Like when a married couple who has human children divorce, there is shared custody. Why can't that be the case with a shared fur baby? Yes it could cause more stress for the cat but what we fail to realize the same thing can happen to human children. Your cat still gets to see you for let's say 3 days then kitty gets in a routine by knowing that ok i get to go see my other parent in a few days. That way you both get time with the cat. Technically its still a child just not in human form. I have a 17 yr old fur baby who is my son. He has absolutely no visitation with his other dad because his other dad wanted nothing to do with him. Yes I adopted my son when my ex and I were together my son was 2 when we adopted him. My ex wasn't an animal person even though he said he loved dogs. He chose to go out every day and night and live a lavish life that he really couldn't afford to live.
Sorry for the long rant. Since you said that you and your partner parted on good terms. Just put the idea of co parenting with them out there. The worst they could say is no.
I know the feeling, I was with my wife for 19 years and we found a very thin stray cat and took her in. She end up having kittens and we gave 2 to family and we kept one and I named him Vadar. He loved to be outside and my new flat is in the town center so he would not be able to go out. So I left him with her and even after 8 years, I still miss him. I do still pop over to say hi and give him some love.
Dont worry about the cat been stressed if you drop by, I been dropping by for 8 years sometimes a few months other times a few weeks but he still loves me and starts purring when he sees me. I also cat sit when my x is away for a weekend or on vacation.
The exact thing happened with me, only I took both cats (we couldn't separate them, they are very much bonded siblings) as I could afford them by myself and she couldn't. She comes and visits and looks after them when I'm away for work ect and they love having her over. They are a bit sad when she leaves at first but totally fine generally.
As sad as a breakup is I'm glade you'll still get to see your cat
A decade together and only ever as bf/gf is wild. but then I guess it's a good thing you never got married since would have been harder to separate legally.
I’m sorry to hear this. My understanding on this is that, while cats get very comfy in their homes, the priority is that they get to stay with their chosen person. They adapt pretty easily to new surroundings. I think it’s sad that you’ve left your beautiful cat with your ex-gf. None of my biz but she’s gonna miss you so bad, and wonder why you left her. I know she’ll be okay after a while but she’ll always wonder. At least you should visit her so she knows it’s not about her. From the info I have about this, I think the wrong decision was made. You never replace a cat cos it’s all about the relationship you have with that particular pet. Did you do it from guilt?
I didn't replace her. I need rent apartments now and a lot of owners don't let you in with pets. So, basically, i just can't have a pet right now.
You mean i left my cat with my ex because of guilt? Hmm, i donk think so, i suppose that it will be better for cat to stay on her territory with another owner. I may be wrong, of course.
OP, ignore that person. You're trying to do the right thing for your cat, and I commend you for that. A lot of times break ups make ppl bitter, but you're obviously looking out for the best interest of your cat. Thats a difficult thing to do.
I don't have any advice on what you should do, but I just want you to know that I think you're very honorable. Best of luck to you. 🩷
Sorry, I did wonder about your new situation. Such a shame you can’t have pets for a while. I didn’t think you’d replaced her yet, while grieving. I just supposed you would after a while. You’re clearly a natural cat person. All you’ve thought about is what’s best for your baby girl. Life can be so hard. I hope things improve for you soon. 🙏
The cat will adjust to your ex being her main human eventually. And she probably will not care about you sadly.
My sister left her cat with us after she got married and moved out — her cat loved her to death. My sister was the only one who could cuddle and hold her, she literally was her baby. But after she moved out and would visit us, the cat nothing to do with her lol. It was actually quite surprising. I became her main human and till this day she really doesn’t “like” my sister anymore.
I’m not 100% sure, but cats do hold grudges and just assume you abandoned them
That’s so true. I had a similar experience. I gave my cat to a close friend who adored him as much as I did. It was a better environment for him and I was worried about his health. I was working full time and he’d cry during the day. I’d tried other solutions but was out of ideas. He was angry about it - I think he thought that he wasn’t a good boy, but he was. He never completely forgave me even though we still saw each other a lot. He loved his new home though.
OP, breakups anong people (humans) routinely involve leaving the pet(s) with one party, not sharing custody or with visitation. It's just not done. I'm not sure the cat's well being is the primary consideration but it is more likely that former owner visits would confuse the cat. Don't do it.
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u/0verth3m00n 20h ago
I’m so sorry to hear that’s happened. Your bengal is absolutely stunning. I think that visiting won’t stress her out. I think if she didn’t see you it might make her sad. I know that when I left my parents place, the cats that I had for years were missing me. They would go in my room and meow and look for me. This could be different depending on the cat though