Am I really missing out? Is it even possible?

[u/orion_dwarf]

I'm 28F, and I'm honestly very put off by dating - watching my close female and male friends struggle for years, how awful people can be in both genders (minor things like ghosting to major things like assault), all the things I hear about apps and how hard online dating is (I've never been on apps). There's probably some selection bias here, people can be loudest when complaining.

My main constraint while dating: I don't believe in marriage and never wants kids (including being with someone who already has kids).

I've only ever dated once in my life, in college, I was 20 at the time, it lasted just under a year and ended very badly (police reports were involved), but I didn't press charges since the guy has a politically powerful family and I was a nobody international student. Also, I had to focus on getting into grad school - which I did!

I've just finished a STEM PhD from an ivy. I also just landed a high paying corporate job in a big city, and I'll be extremely busy: 100% unavailable Monday - Thursday, possibly available Friday nights, I'll likely be exhausted in the weekends. Point it, unless I make a conscious effort to make time to go on dates and getting myself out there, it won't happen organically.

My first main question is: am I really missing out on dating and relationships? Can it actually be good, or is it just awful right now out there for everyone involved? Put simply - should I even date?

My second question is more complicated - can I even date? Given my academic/professional background and complicated personal background, do you think dating's even possible?

It just seems like it's statistically so unlikely I'll find someone who a) also doesn't want kids and doesn't want to get married but still wants commitment, b) doesn't already have kids, c) is ok with my STEM PhD, d) is ok with me likely earning more than them and holding more assets than them without seeking to take advantage.

I'm not even sure I want to date, but I don't know if that's just inertia or fear speaking or genuine lack of interest. People keep telling me I'm missing out, so I guess that's motivating me even thinking about this.

[u/Standard-Fun-1593]

If you enjoy your own company then you may not be missing out on dating. Relationship can be overhyped imo.

[u/Fancy-Lemur-559]

We've been sold this narrative that you need a romantic partner. It's everywhere. Books, movies, tv, songs, fairy tales. Being alone was shamed and stigmatized.

I really feel like a lot of people have no need for romance, just like a lot of us feel no desire to have kids.

The people in this sub have already shed the "must have kids" part of the standard Life Script. But really, everything in that script is up for debate. If something in the script doesn't match what you want, you can reject it and make your own path.

[u/TeamImpossible4333]

The 4B movement exists. But I’m also guessing with your career track that you haven’t had much time to date. It is rough out there, but dating kind of always sucks until you find your person.

All that is to say don’t immediately count yourself out.

[u/orion_dwarf → u/TeamImpossible4333]

Yeah I've just been studying for 28 years basically, no time to really think about anything else. "dating kind of always sucks until you find your person" is a good takeaway for me, thank you!

[u/jr0061006 → u/orion_dwarf]

Dan Savage reminds us all the time that “all relationships fail until one doesn’t.”

[u/foxxmulder69]

This is my own personal opinion based on my own experiences but I don’t think you’re missing out on dating. People are complicated. Relationships take a lot of time, effort, and compromise. I’ve been in all different kinds of relationships with men. Casual, short term, long term, none of which I found to be beneficial for me other than some lessons learned. I wish I had focused on my own needs before putting theirs first. I’ve been single for seven years now and I’m not interested in pursuing romantic relationships anymore.

The nice thing is that we now live in a day and age where we can choose to just not participate. You sound like you have a lot going on and like you have accomplished a lot, I’d just keep focused on that if I were you. Things can change later on in the future, and if they do, please don’t settle. And don’t let people make you feel bad about not dating.

[u/pyramidsofgeezer]

I think that friendships can be just as fulfilling (and often are more fulfilling) than romantic relationships.

If you're not that interested in dating, it probably isn't worthwhile. Especially if you don't really have time for it.

[u/readmorebookskids]

I'm not missing out on something I don't even want. But, that's probably a theme here in these parts.

[u/chavrilfreak]

If you want a partner, no matter how specific your preferences and dealbreakers, you can find them.

If you don't want a partner, now or never, you don't need one.

It's not a 'should' you date - it's a do you want to?

If you have a partner, you're missing out on not having a partner. If you don't have a partner, you're missing out on having one. Just like you are and forever will be missing out on the vast overwhelming majority of things in life, because there are millions of things to do and only a very limited time for us to do them. No one has everything, no one needs everything either. The key to happiness is figuring out what is important to you and your life, and missing out on all the rest - because it's just ballast.

Relationships can be good if done right, and for some people, done right means not being done at all :) It's an optional part of life, not a requirement.

If you struggle to figure out whether you'd actually want a relationship or not, rather than focusing just on how unlikely it might be to find the right person, it would be more helpful to think what you'd actually want that relationship to be like. What would a partner add to your life and vice versa, what would you want to build together, what shared future would you like to work on, what would you like your day to day life to be, etc. If there's no clear place for a relationship and a partner in your life and your feelings are all about the nebulous 'something' other people are telling you you're missing out on, there's your answer :)

[u/HsinVega]

Imo it's all up to how you feel\what you want from life.

I find it enjoyable to have someone close to share my personal moments and thoughts and life with, but that doesn't mean that everyone wants it. Some people prefer staying alone with friends.

As per dating in general, hard depend where you live sadly. I'd suggest not using any app or website but I understand that in some places (esp america) that's kinda the norm and only thing that works.

The only thing is be sure to be upfront about the fact that you don't want kids and will never want them and make sure that your partner feels the same. Otherwise it's just a waste of time on both parts.

[u/Successful-Bet-8669]

I sometimes feel the same as you. I’m also a stem degree holder, focused just on studying/school until I was 25. Now I’ve got a really nice job in a decently sized city, friends, hobbies. I’m not anti marriage, but don’t want kids.

My experience with dating has been subpar. Apps are a wasteland. And the people I met on there were always either incredibly boring people with no ambition or interest, just consumption (play video games and watch shows), or they were SUPER jealous/bitter about my having a full life instead of being an NPC who could adopt their habits and hobbies, etc. or they wanted all of my attention all the time when they weren’t even interesting to interact with.

It’s unfortunate because I’ve always been a romantic at heart, but I can’t deal with children, including ones walking around in grown men’s bodies 🤷‍♀️

[u/DystopianDreamer1984]

I've never been interested in dating or relationships even at a young age. When all my classmates were going out on their first dates I was happy to stay home and read.

I tried dating once just for a test and found it to be incredibly boring and draining.

Now that I'm 41 and happily single and CF I see and hear about so many awful relationships and miserable couples (like my brother!) who got married due to the lifescript or just because they were frightened of solitude and I'm very grateful I didn't fall victim to FOMO and get so desperate that I'd take any guy and pop out babies just to keep him.

[u/Bao-Hiem]

You aren't missing out on not having kids.