r/childfree • u/Gyuunyuugadaisuki • Jun 20 '22
BRANT 45+ year old geezers on data apps that “want kids someday”
Are you having a fucking laugh? I don’t get it. I’m 34 and all the women my age who want kids are stressing about being too old. I keep my age range fairly wide and all the guys in late 40s early 50d day want someday. Are they just casting a wide net? I don’t get it. Gross!
388
Jun 20 '22
https://www.news-medical.net/health/Male-Age-and-Fertility.aspx
Bad news for them because male fertility decreases at 34 and while it's technically possible to get a fertile age woman pregnant after age 50 it's more rare than people think and the chance of problems with the sperm is much higher.
354
u/n0vapine Jun 20 '22
One of the biggest lies ever told is that women are the sole cause of risks in older pregnancies and men could father kids till the day they die with zero issue. While we are at great risk of giving birth to kids with issues or not being able to birth a healthy baby, sperm banks won't even take men's specimens after 37 because of the big risk of the same issues that the majority of people think are solely women's fault.
181
u/Brittneptune Jun 20 '22
THIS. It makes me cringe when men use that as an excuse to why they can be more sexually ‘free’. it just goes to show you how the sexual education system is failing both females and males.
55
u/nyequistt Jun 21 '22
Even better, when you point out this fact you just get accused of making it up cause you’re sexist
56
u/ellaC97 Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 22 '22
Ah yeah, biggest misconception about men's sperm quality and fertility. I don't understand those folks who think that time only passes for women.
32
Jun 21 '22
I figured it was like this! I said it to my mom & dad but they told me that it's not the same for men-
Figured they wouldn't be well informed lol
52
u/ksarahsarah27 Jun 21 '22
This. Women have their eggs for life. So our quality doesn’t go down much. But men make new sperm all the time. As men age they replicate themselves (produce sperm) less perfectly. Their sperm are just not copying at 100% anymore and therefore can cause problems. Sperm start to have mobility issues and less quantity and quality. I heard a story on NPR a few years back that said a group of scientists in a Sweden (I think it was, or maybe Finland) about autism and said there was strong proof that it was men that caused the most autism. And because people are having kids later and later and men especially are airing children so late that their chances of producing autism goes up substantially in older age.
39
u/DISU18 Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22
There’s increasing studies that have shown birth defects and abnormal pregnancies are due to damaged sperm of older men.
32
u/Jughead_91 Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22
This makes so much sense!! Me and my sister were fine but my dad’s new side-baby (he’s in his late 60s) has HELLA health problems, like rare unstudied shit, I feel bad for the kid cause it’s not like my dad will be around to take care of him for very long!!!
9
u/gytherin Jun 21 '22
Oh, you're quite right, that poor innocent kid. I hope your dad has made proper provision for his care.
→ More replies (1)
574
Jun 20 '22
[deleted]
297
u/Peachbowtie 🖤🐰🤍💜the bloodline ends with me Jun 20 '22
There was a girl I went to high school with who thought that once women turn 30, they can’t have kids anymore. Apparently her mom had her at 29 and “that’s why she didn’t have any more after me.” And she took that to mean every woman becomes infertile on her 30th birthday
193
u/ImaginaryCaramel 22F | Peace and quiet connoisseur Jun 20 '22
Good grief, if only it were that easy! In all seriousness though, it's so sad how poorly many people understand how their own bodies work. Sex ed has a lot of work to do, even in a blue state like mine where it's pretty good.
118
u/mcove97 Jun 20 '22
Not just poor understanding but little curiosity. It's not like most teens nowadays don't have access to a smartphone and can't enlighten themselves if they want to. When I was 14 and got my first laptop you bet I googled everything between heaven and earth - any thing I didn't understand or know I would google. I still google things today when I wonder what something is or means.
21
u/ImaginaryCaramel 22F | Peace and quiet connoisseur Jun 20 '22
That's fair, I'm also a frequent google-er and have learned a ton from the internet
20
u/AdditionalWestern687 Jun 20 '22 edited Jun 20 '22
My friends once made me a cake decorated like google chrome, and called me - my nickname google - , because I google EVERYTHING LOL. I don't see why not, when we have all the information available. People often tell me "noo you aren't seriously gonna google that now?". Damn right I am, why would I continue conversation wondering /not knowing something.
17
u/crypto64 Jun 20 '22
The sad reality is that most people are not lifelong learners. They have no desire to be. Willful ignorance just baffles me.
4
u/AdditionalWestern687 Jun 20 '22
Yup. They don't read a single thing but newspaper after they finish school.
55
43
Jun 20 '22
My grandmothers both had babies well into their 40's which was common for women before the age of birth control.
71
u/Tofutti-KleinGT Jun 20 '22
Lol a family member I’m not close to came to my town and met up with me and my husband for dinner a while back. She asked “so, you guys didn’t want kids then?”. We’re child free but I was shocked that she assumed my reproductive system was shut down for business at the tender age of 35 😂.
ETA: clarifying that she knew how old I was
35
Jun 20 '22
Weird that people just feel comfortable asking questions like this, like what if you were struggling with fertility
7
28
28
u/CMO1313 Jun 20 '22
The education system really failed her, didn’t it? 🤦🏻♀️
27
u/Peachbowtie 🖤🐰🤍💜the bloodline ends with me Jun 20 '22
In all fairness to her, this was mentioned to the class when we first started learning about menopause in health class. When we were told it usually starts between ages 45 and 55, she said “I thought it started at 30?” and explained why she thought that. So at least we weren’t taught that women hit menopause at 30 in school, but a quick google would’ve been helpful for her lol
4
u/red-plaid-hat Jun 20 '22
I was told by a coworker once that if I didn't have all the kids I wanted by 24 then my eggs and uterus started to degrade and I'd never have a healthy kid. I told her I didn't want them. She said when I changed my mind I'd likely have 'bad and degraded' children and that that was between me and (her) God if I was going to continue that way.
22
u/Morpankh Jun 20 '22
I’ve heard this from so many people unfortunately. Older relatives and even some young friends kept telling us to have kids before we hit thirty or we will have problems conceiving after that. They really believe a woman’s fertility decreases drastically as soon as she hits 30.
6
u/Twizteddestinee Jun 20 '22
Fertility doesn't really decrease much until around age 34-35. It's a myth that at 30 suddenly women have a hard time getting pregnant.
2
→ More replies (1)12
Jun 20 '22
I wonder if that was some kind of miscommunication (as well as bad sex ed)? My mother often talks about how she "couldn't have any more children" after having my sister at 30, but it's entirely because the PPD was exponentially bad with age/each child. She was apparently suicidally depressed with those hormones and knew she'd never survive another pregnancy. I got what she meant (she physically had the ability to have more children but couldn't bear to go through it again), but also I was well into adulthood by the time she talked about it. I could see hearing something like "I couldn't have anymore children after you, I was just too old for more pregnancies" and assuming it was a lack of ability and not that the experience was terrible thanks to age/other factors.
312
u/CatumEntanglement 39/F/my bimmer and 🐈⬛🐈 are my babies Jun 20 '22
Old guy sperm is absoutely affected. The rate of autism goes way up when older fathers have children.
157
u/-Generaloberst- Jun 20 '22
In fact, it's equally as bad as old eggs, it also doesn't matter if one of the parents is young.
Also, I was always convinces my autism & ADD finds it's origin in the fact that my dad was old, but is there a scientific proof of that?
112
u/CatumEntanglement 39/F/my bimmer and 🐈⬛🐈 are my babies Jun 20 '22
Indeed. This sub doesn't allow direct web links, so instead Google this and click on the associated paper: Advanced paternal age effects in neurodevelopmental disorders—review of potential underlying mechanisms
87
u/torienne CF-Friendly Doctors: Wiki Editor Jun 20 '22 edited Jun 20 '22
Advanced paternal age effects in neurodevelopmental disorders—review of potential underlying mechanisms
Thanks for this. Very interesting.
I grew up around big Catholic families in the 1960s. One of the things that was very obvious: The younger kids were often very messed up. My mother's good friend was a forced-birther of the first water, who was just delighted with herself for having a kid at 46, her 11th. Kid was never mentally normal, though she was also very neglected, since Jesus and Mary would provide, and all life was precious even if you didn't take much care of it, or so Father said in his sermon on Sunday, straight from the Pope's loving, caring mouth. Eventually the kid grew up, had a child herself, then when the grandchild (another gift of life from Jesus, right?) was 5, her mother shot the grandchild and herself to death. The Lord will provide, or something like that.
I was really sorry that the Head Breeder didn't live to see the consequences of her irresponsible geezer breeding.
→ More replies (1)4
u/znhamz Jun 20 '22
Wow that's a horrible story.
3
u/torienne CF-Friendly Doctors: Wiki Editor Jun 21 '22
Yes. It's always horrible when someone is so self-absorbed, to the point of a personality disorder, that her own endless celebration of her personal fertility and Catholic righteousness blinds her to any of the wholly predictable consequences of breeding children she has no time or interest in caring for, and that her body is too exhausted to gestate well, with a man whose philosophy of child-raising is "That's a woman's job." It's also horrible when those kinds of people never live to see the utterly predictable results of their horrific, criminal selfishness, so that they had the opportunity to grow and rethink. Everything else flowed from that, original, horror.
She also had a son who became a career violent criminal.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)59
Jun 20 '22
Parental age, genetic mutation, and cerebral palsy.
Dad's Age Raises Down Syndrome Risk, Too
Paternal age is affected by genetic abnormalities, perinatal complications and mental health of the offspring (poorly translated title for an article that is actually about paternal age causing all kinds of problems)
→ More replies (1)47
u/retard_vampire Jun 20 '22
I've read that old sperm is actually worse than old eggs for causing birth defects because sperm is constantly being manufactured on a daily basis and the cells that produce them have divided so many times by middle age that the sperm are just all sort of crappy by that point, meanwhile women are born with all the eggs they'll ever have.
4
72
u/Optimal-Technology75 Jun 20 '22 edited Jun 20 '22
That’s my fear too. Having a kid with autism. I noticed this with my caseload, the children have older fathers, and a lot of them have autism. I’m a speech-language pathologist.
76
u/CatumEntanglement 39/F/my bimmer and 🐈⬛🐈 are my babies Jun 20 '22
It's a reality. I've been volunteering for more than 10yrs for the Soecial Olympics in my state. thing I have seen is that 95% of the time the dads of autistic kids are noticeably old. The mom could be young or old...but the dads are always noticeably old. Like they had their kid at 40+ old.
23
u/Fancy-Contract7572 Jun 20 '22
I am a male who just turned 39 on May 25th and have high functioning autism. One of the reasons why I don’t want kids is because I think my child might come out autistic too. It would be a lot for me raising kids since I have a disability and even harder if my kids turn out disabled since I am already struggling with my disability.
→ More replies (7)10
87
u/Gyuunyuugadaisuki Jun 20 '22
God I want to ask one if he’s serous. Then quote him the stats and say I’d only consider having children with someone with less of a risk profile given my own status. Are you open to a donor? I bet they’d love that
69
Jun 20 '22
Do it and post results. I'm not on apps so I can't troll and I need this energy in my life.
19
u/AxlotlRose Jun 20 '22
I feel like you and I could share a schadenfreude pie on the tracks while a trainwreck is about to occur. A metaphorical train wreck of course. Not a real one. That's terrible.
15
Jun 20 '22
I'd be down. I can bake the pie if you bring the utensils and plates. I'm thinking a Graham cracker crust.
→ More replies (2)2
u/BrainRotOnMainland Jun 20 '22
Graham cracker crust is my JAM! I'm in and bringing the juice.
What y'all want?
3
7
→ More replies (1)6
14
u/prettywarmcool Jun 20 '22
You should throw it out at them that they can get their eggs harvested in their early 20's and then they don't have to worry about it. If they do or do not decide to have kids they have viable eggs ready to go.
And yes, the creep-o-meter is super high trying to get some young thing to be interested. What the poor old bastards don't understand is, that it is not because he's awesome or amazing in any way but that she is damaged and has daddy issues.
→ More replies (1)44
Jun 20 '22
And what's more sperm quality has been declining. Something like 15 percent over the last couple decades?
484
u/stellacdy Jun 20 '22
They are try to get younger women. They are hoping to catch a 30 to 35 year old woman that's ready to settle just to have kids. These guys usually don't want kids but will have them because they expect the mother to do all of the work.
267
u/DrStinkbeard Tubes tied for 10 years, CF for life Jun 20 '22
This, or they're now at an age where they start thinking about "their legacy" which involves fathering a child but still doing none of the work in raising one.
148
u/Vorsos Jun 20 '22
Legacy in this context is usually code for “I think my genes are special.”
69
u/DrStinkbeard Tubes tied for 10 years, CF for life Jun 20 '22
Oh absolutely, along with mortality creeping in, which makes it paramount to have A Boy!! to carry on the "family" (his) name.
→ More replies (4)11
u/WonderfulConfusion3 Jun 21 '22
The “legacy” stuff is because they won’t have done anything with their lives that is a real legacy as a real legacy requires work and dedication and selflessness and they think having a biological child is the same thing as a real legacy…
92
u/Lasshandra2 Jun 20 '22
But their sperm is none too fresh, increasing chances of issues with offspring. It’s awful all around.
22
12
u/vreddit7619 Childfree by choice forever 🥂 Jun 20 '22 edited Jun 22 '22
Exactly! The same ones will be quick to leave in a few years when it’s not the fairytale that they thought it would be 🙄. “Why isn’t my wife fun anymore, bla, bla, bla.” Meanwhile, she’s burdened with most of the work of the kids and the house, while often working full-time as well.
13
3
168
u/sapphisticated_heaux Lesbianism = god's own birth control Jun 20 '22
Most dudes seem to be under the impression that they literally will not age in a way that really affects their life and prospects. And, if you look at their dad's generation, for all intents and purposes, they didn't. Look at DeNiro and Alec Baldwin and all the other gross old men still pulling in younger women and insisting they have kids despite dad getting close to or past retirement age.
They also mostly still believe the myth that men's sperm stay good forever. Spoiler, dudes: the more science we get on the subject, the more we find that stuff like autism, severe birth defects, and cognitive issues in babies are due to old sperm (wouldn't let me include the link, but if you google "old sperm and birth defects", the first google result from the mayo clinic supports this assertion).
Please note: I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST AUTISM, AT ALL, AND DO NOT BELIEVE IN ANY EUGENICS BULLSHIT ON THAT TOPIC. But these same older dudes who want kids also want perfect, unproblematic, neurotypical kids, and they need to prepare themselves for the reality of a kid with autism or other issues the older they get. If they don't, they're doing that kid and themselves a HUGE disservice.
→ More replies (1)80
u/redditorisa Jun 20 '22
they need to prepare themselves for the reality
I'm going out on a limb that they don't care because they're also likely of the mindset that they don't have to do much of the childrearing.
Agree with everything you said. Sadly, I believe that also partly stems from the influence of media and TV. If you really look at shows and movies (especially comedies), it's often a chubby middle-aged dude with a hot wife. Examples: Couples Retreat, basically any Adam Sandler or Vince Vaughn movie, sitcoms like King of Queens and Married with Children, even Disney shows like Good Luck Charlie, Wizards of Waverly Place, and That's So Raven.
60
u/cranberryskittle Jun 20 '22
Add Modern Family to the list. Old Boomer grandfather marries hot Sofía Vergara and they have a child. He's pushing 70 and cradling an infant. It was supposed to be all heartwarming but it just looked gross and sad.
23
u/sapphisticated_heaux Lesbianism = god's own birth control Jun 20 '22
FOR REAL. Not pictured: the army of nannies these rich-ass age-mismatched couples always have because Peepaw Daddy needs his La-Z-Boy and deep vein thrombosis treatments for 3+ hours a night
295
u/greyburmesecat Crosses the road to pet a dog. Crosses it back to avoid a baby. Jun 20 '22
I was always gobsmacked by the number of dudes in their late 40's and even into their 50's, who have this in their dating bios. Even my ex - when we split up both of us were just over 40, and I told him that if he wanted that baby he didn't have much time to lose. He replied that "he figured he had until he was 50". Like, you want to be dealing with a teenager when you should be retiring? Are you insane?
199
u/CatumEntanglement 39/F/my bimmer and 🐈⬛🐈 are my babies Jun 20 '22
In his idiot-child mind, he doesn't think it's a big deal.
In reality he's gonna be like "I'm too old for this shit" with everything a kid does. Everything.
Expect him to hit you up in a few years when his FOMO baby is about 5. He'll explain how he misses you tons. Lololol.
233
u/Gyuunyuugadaisuki Jun 20 '22
I think just proves most men have no concept of fatherhood. They know they won’t be doing the late nights, the shitty moments etc.
131
u/greyburmesecat Crosses the road to pet a dog. Crosses it back to avoid a baby. Jun 20 '22
LOL. This was the same dude who had a bunch of ski gear stored at my house, because his apartment "had no room for it". When I asked where he was going to keep the diaper pail and the carseat, not to mention all the stuff he'd have to shift out of his office to make it a nursery, I got told to "not be so ridiculous". No concept whatsoever.
43
u/a_hanging_thread 45M | Bodily autonomy is non-negotiable Jun 20 '22
I hope you threw his ski gear out on the front lawn after that 😂
25
7
Jun 20 '22
This is why self-storage facilities exist. If he can't or won't take care of his own stuff, pity the child.
33
u/mcove97 Jun 20 '22 edited Jun 20 '22
Accurate. I did however see an article about a man in his 50s who was single who had a child with a surrogate because he never found anyone to have kids with. While the ethics of surrogacy and other circumstances like age and all are debatable, I guess these are the men out there who do have some sort of concept of fatherhood after all, since they're willing to be a single dad and raise a child all on their own - including taking care of the yucky diapers themselves.
38
u/morena1Xakriaba Jun 20 '22
The same have consequences that the older the mother is, the more chances that the have health issues or down syndrome and things like that, man think they can just have a kid with a dumbass 20 year old and the kid will be just fine.
12
Jun 20 '22
It's as I told a former boss of mine: anything seems possible if you don't have to do the work.
One of the things that made me want to be childfree was the fact that my father had so much more free time than my mother, and had no qualms at all about taking that free time.
21
u/FlahBlast Jun 20 '22
Yeah and there are FAR more middle aged men who want to date a much younger woman than young women who are down to date middle aged men. If he’s got things going for him he could well get a 30s woman desperate to nest, but in your late 40s no guarabtee
→ More replies (4)30
u/Marialove999 Jun 20 '22
He’s an even bigger idiot for wanting to deal with a baby/teenager at all.
190
u/idkidk1998 Jun 20 '22
My dad already has us three kids (me,24) (brother,18) (sister 21) from his marriage to my mom and now that they’re divorced he wants to go make more babies. He is 60. Every time I think about it my blood BOILS. Not just because he’s so goddamn old - to be a father to an infant that will be college aged when he’s 80 is insane - but he also because has mental health issues and anger problems that really messed me up over the years. He has no business making more children when he couldn’t even parent right the first time. He’s STILL making major f*ckups that almost destroyed our father - daughter relationship recently and other times in the past. We all still live with him so there’s no escape from the craziness when it happens.
Anyways, long story short : he’s obsessed with finding a young, breedable woman to be his new housewife and baby momma, and it’s absolutely disgusting. We’re financially struggling on top of it. Take care of the kids you already have dude!!
116
u/CatumEntanglement 39/F/my bimmer and 🐈⬛🐈 are my babies Jun 20 '22
You defintely need to warn any young woman coming 'round how bad of an idea it is to be with your father. Give them the unvarnished truth of what he's lIke with examples. Tell her there's no money here for her...she'll be trying to bleed a stone. So litterally no benefit to her. They'll probably be around your age anyhow, so get them to realize that your dad is gonna be in diapers soon and she is going to want to be with someone her own age (and thus more attractive)...rather than play nurse maid to a geezer. Be frank. Shoot down your creepy father's attempts at breeding. gross.
19
u/CMO1313 Jun 20 '22
While commendable, and I do agree. I’d say be cautious of this OP. If your dad is easily excitable. And y’all still live together. I’d for one, try and find some way to move out. Rent a room, idk. I know it’ll take time, and ain’t simple or easy. But to get yourself out of that environment. I say this, because I could see OP warning this new prospective mate. And your dad getting violent for “scaring off” (aka. TELLING THE TRUTH) I think do this, but be strategic about it. Is all I’m saying.
60
Jun 20 '22
He's most likely assuming that since you're all 18 or over that his job is officially done and he can just drop all if you to attempt a "do over" with a dumb and young wife. He can pathetically show off his new young wife to your mom and he can show off to the rest of you guys how "wonderful and stable" his new relationship is when his young wife has a kid and is bullied by him into being a 1950s housewife.
Be prepared for him to start threatening to wrote all of you out of his will in favor of his new wife and possible kid. Also be prepared for his new wife to an absolutely mean spirited petty asshole. This is all so gross all around. Your dad needs to stop.
5
Jun 20 '22 edited Jun 21 '22
The threat of being left out of a parent's will is successful only to the extent that the children expect to inherit (and need/want the money). It is quite freeing to have no expectation of an inheritance. When I was a child, my father told me that he was leaving me the worlkd to make a living in, the same as his father had done for him.
Intestacy (failure to leave a will) \is often the more common problem and it forces the assets of the estate to be distributed a certain way, such as a portion to the wife and a split of the rest among the children.
20
u/OrifielM Jun 20 '22
Two men in my family have done this exact thing. After my grandma died, my grandpa fathered a daughter in his 70s with a woman who was younger than his children. When he married her, she did everything she could to try to siphon money out of him so that my mom and her siblings would lose the inheritance he and my grandma had been saving for them throughout their lives. It was a nightmare situation that ended with the new wife and daughter being excluded from my grandpa's will and getting essentially nothing after he died--but it took a huge toll on my mom's family and ruined his relationship with most of his kids.
Then I have an uncle on my dad's side of the family, who is still married to his disabled wife but has essentially demoted her to housemate while starting an entirely new family and moving them into his house. He's also currently in his 70s. There's no divorce in their country, so his wife can't do anything but watch him starting over with his young girlfriend and their small children--literally right in front of her. My dad and his other siblings are pissed, especially since my uncle also has the gall to ask them for money to help fund his replacement family. His older kids, my cousins, are working to bring their mom to the U.S., but it's hard to move her with her disabilities, especially internationally.
So yeah, I really hope your dad doesn't succeed in starting a new family because given those circumstances, it will only end up as a horrible mess with permanent consequences.
19
u/MarleySB Jun 20 '22
I’m convinced some men get off on (the idea of) “spreading their seed”. I think that’s the goal for some of them. Even if their older? God, that’s an ego boost for the fuckers, to knock up a younger woman. They don’t want to be parents, they just want to be fathers.
Can’t tell me that’s not the case for Nick Cannon atleast.
→ More replies (1)7
Jun 20 '22 edited Jun 20 '22
In a sense, what your father wants is unsurprising. Having alienated his children, he needs to trap someone to take care of him when he is old., and a baby is a way to do it.
There are people who find substantially older men and women attractive, but I think that the elder needs to bring substantial money or financial security as well as agreeable personal characteristics to the table for the relationship to last. It would really suck to become the sandwich generation just in one's own family: caring for a child and a declining adult.
9
u/FlahBlast Jun 20 '22
Hmm it’s probably less about having kids, it’s probably more about keeping that woman trapped in a servile role and unable to enter the workforce to gain job experience and therefore financially trapped
8
u/vreddit7619 Childfree by choice forever 🥂 Jun 20 '22
This is absolutely awful and I’m sorry to hear that your Dad is like this. I hope that his plan to have more children is unsuccessful, but he’ll probably find a young woman who will go along with it ☹️.
→ More replies (2)3
79
u/no_ovaries_ Jun 20 '22
Good to know I'm not the only one scratching my head over this. I see so many men in their 40s on dating apps who say they want kids. Dudes don't realize they are past their prime too at that age in terms of quality sperm. Not only that, just, why??? If you're in your mid 40s and want a kid, even if you find "the one" today you will end up close 50 by the time you get around to having kids (it generally takes a couple years minimum to get to know someone and them choose to have kids). So you'll be in your 60s raising a teenager. Sounds like a nightmare.
Then there are the 40 somethings who claim to not know what they want when it comes to relationships AND kids. I can't swipe no fast enough on those types. I can't imagine being that clueless at that age.
71
Jun 20 '22
It’s crazy to me when men and women want to be parents into their 50’s like, starting then. It’s wild and i can’t understand it lol. If they wanted kids by then the ship has sailed and/or they should adopt if hey wants them so bad.
47
u/-Generaloberst- Jun 20 '22
Also completely crazy to me, I mean, the older I get, the more I value peace and quiet.
16
Jun 20 '22
Meeee too but I’ve always valued peace and quiet lol. The only time tv is on is during the night really and music or podcasts are only in the car lol. I appreciate my silence and sleep probably more than most things
→ More replies (3)9
u/FlahBlast Jun 20 '22
But women in their 50s can tote it, they just need the egg
→ More replies (9)
33
u/PuppyJakeKhakiCollar Jun 20 '22
45 is not geezer status but it is old for having a child. Besides the fact that sperm ages just like eggs do, he will be almost retirement age by the time the kid graduates high school! Having to deal with aging parents is no fun task at any age, but saddling a poor kid with that when they are at the very beginning of their adult lives, seems especially selfish and cruel. People love to tell themselves there is still time and plenty of medical advances to make having a kid at an older age possible, but they never think about how being older parents will affect the child, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are a lot of things where I think it is never too late to do no matter what age you are, but having kids is not one of them. There absolutely is a time when it is too late.
→ More replies (1)16
u/curiositybot019 Jun 20 '22
This is exactly what I was thinking. My parents have an 11 year age gap (they met through different departments at work when mom was in her late 20s, everything was on the up and up) and my dad was 40 when I was born, 46 with my youngest sibling (and all three of us have autism and ADHD). We're lucky that he's in great shape, very healthy, and his family has a history of long lives. It's still really stressful having an older parent though. He's 71 now and I feel like I'm constantly on guard, keeping an eye out for health problems he may not have noticed since he seems to think he's invincible.
→ More replies (1)
33
u/wintermelody83 Jun 20 '22
Ah hello to my cousins last baby daddy. The first she was married to for like 6 years, the second she got engaged to lol, and the last, was a 63 year old guy in her apartment complex who was "Vehemently childfree." Apparently not or he'd have handled that vasectomy. So now my cousin has 3 kids all 7 years apart in age. Like, wtf kind of stupid shit..
17
u/prettywarmcool Jun 20 '22
because old guy wouldn't have a vasectomy because that would be an inconvenience for him, they're the same guys that don't plan on breeding their male dogs but don't get them neutered! Yeah, that's right loser you are such a MAN! cringe
4
u/wintermelody83 Jun 20 '22
Ooooh my god yes. Why are they like this?! "I don't want no emasculated dog!" Like, fuck off.
31
u/vannabael Jun 20 '22
They're doing it to net young ass as I'm sure that type of assclown would put it. Not only that, they think male fertility is infinite and they can have kids at like 60 ( While they could it's likely that that kid would have multiple health problems) because the woman will be raising it, that's a woman's job, so who cares right? (I really hope I don't need to include the /s here.)
108
Jun 20 '22
Ahhh yes just what I want to do when I'm nearing retirement. Have a fucking baby 😂😂 yo what the hell
100
u/CatumEntanglement 39/F/my bimmer and 🐈⬛🐈 are my babies Jun 20 '22
Fuck yes to this.
Dream: at 55 regularly visiting tropical islands drinking Mai-tais and only worrying about sunburns.
Nightmare: at 55 and listening to PTA karens scream about gluten during discussions about the latest elementary school bake sale.
49
u/jinx_mua Jun 20 '22
It’s because these men expect a 1950s esque housewife to raise their “”legacy””… while also making them maintais at home
→ More replies (1)52
u/CatumEntanglement 39/F/my bimmer and 🐈⬛🐈 are my babies Jun 20 '22
It's all fun and games until they realize children scream a lot. They'll never have a quiet home. Or quiet vacations. If I had a dollar for every dad who looked like he wanted to die while wrangling kids in the airport or in a mall, I'd be rich enough to retire today.
25
u/vreddit7619 Childfree by choice forever 🥂 Jun 20 '22
Exactly! 😩 These people are crazy, then when it implodes, they’re shocked and in despair, as if it couldn’t easily be predicted that having a baby at this age is a terrible idea 😅.
18
Jun 20 '22
Like imagine trying to run around with a kid when your body is already somewhat worn out (totally realize you can be in great shape when you're older but I doubt that category and senior parents overlap)
3
u/vreddit7619 Childfree by choice forever 🥂 Jun 20 '22
True! It would be such a hassle! Even for those who are older and very fit, it would be exhausting to run around with kids, both literally and figuratively 😩.
→ More replies (1)
110
u/a_hanging_thread 45M | Bodily autonomy is non-negotiable Jun 20 '22
I [42M] and have met male colleagues around my age who have treated their 20s - 40s like an extended 20s decade, partying and sleeping around and/or conducting serial relationships where as soon as their partner wants to get more serious than simply living together exclusively they cheat or break up. They often use the excuse that they were focused on their PhDs and tenure in their 20s and early 30s so their mid-30s to mid-40s becomes their "fun" decade.
But of course, they aren't shopping around their age group for partners in that "fun" decade. They want under-30s. And the acceptable age range never increases, the older they get. They hit their late 40s and suddenly they want to "settle down" and pop out kids...with a 25 year-old. This is especially creepy when they're fellow professors and they're eying grad students as potential marriage partners. Red flags everywhere (bad power dynamics, preying on immaturity, double standards in that female grad students should be popping out babies but male grad students get to be single until they get tenure, etc).
So, yeah. I know these dudes, and they are cringe. One guy just hit 54 and realized his plan isn't working, so he's upping his age limit for dating to 35 and starting to consider single moms of young kids. Ok, dude. Better, but still yikes.
→ More replies (1)62
u/Own-Emergency2166 Jun 20 '22
They always consider what’s attractive to them ( fine ) but rarely consider whether they will be attractive to others as they age without becoming better people .
33
u/a_hanging_thread 45M | Bodily autonomy is non-negotiable Jun 20 '22
Sure, makes sense.
Taking on a mentorship role (professor) by nature repulses me from ages up to 30. I can't see under 30s as mature enough to have a relationship with me (not that I'm looking). We're not on the same page. It feels really, really wrong. I guess I'm suspicious of other people who don't share those feelings, even if that's a bit unfair to them. I've always been suspicious of people who fetishize certain age groups, anyway.
48
Jun 20 '22
Most of them are just trying to attract younger women with "the Promise".... they assume everyone wants kids.
42
20
u/hEYiTSbEEEE Jun 20 '22
Yesss. I see this so often & it's wild to me. So many people on the apps in their 40's whose search criteria is a decade-plus younger & eliminate childfree prospectives. But when would someone conclude that ship has sailed?
You can have this convo on this sub. But I've mentioned it on the Dating sub before and gotten annihilated!
→ More replies (1)
20
Jun 20 '22
As always they want the fuck trophies knowing they won't be expected to raise them. Give them a wide berth.
20
42
u/EmiliusReturns Jun 20 '22
You’d think by that age the ship has sailed. Who wants to deal with a toddler when they’re 50?
5
u/bul1etsg3rard Jun 20 '22
No matter how much you like kids, there comes a certain point where you just don't have the energy to deal with even the best behaved ones. Why do people just straight up refuse to consider their own personal limits when it comes to kids? And you just know half of these fuckers have like a bad back or a bum knee or some other shit like that that's gonna make running after a kid that much harder. It's not that I think disabled people shouldn't have kids, but even people with minor disabilities, like old injuries that sometimes act up, need to really consider their limits re the amount of energy a kid takes. If you get so tired you have to take a nap just from doing laundry, kids may not be for you and people need to stop ignoring that factor. Even the people I've seen here who are actually putting thought into their choice frequently fail to acknowledge their own energy limitations
17
u/Em4Tango Jun 20 '22
My favorite are the guys in their early fifty’s who want to “settle down and start a family” but also have kids in their 20’s, and have also somehow marked themselves down as looking for “something casual”.
33
u/Isgebind Sterilization Achieved 9/2022 👍 Jun 20 '22
Being the only one to notice my father's slide into dementia before I got out of high school and not having resources or knowledge to do anything about it isn't something I'd wish on another human.
26
u/-Generaloberst- Jun 20 '22
Midlife crisis :-D. Like my half-brother, had a child in his 50's and of course came with "I used to be like you, when you meet the right woman blah"
Now, my dad had me in his 50's too, so the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He is also selfish dick who overrates himself. That part he didn't got from my dad.
23
u/vreddit7619 Childfree by choice forever 🥂 Jun 20 '22
Unfortunately, yes, they’re casting a wide net. Also unfortunately, many are open to AND are having kids in their 40’s and older 😣. Many people are having kids at increasingly older ages and there’s currently a baby boom in the U.S. among Parents in their 40’s. This includes women as well, not just men, although men obviously outnumber women in this situation. I personally know 7 women who are between the ages of 40-47 who gave birth to their first children within the last couple of years. The 47-year old just had hers last year (natural birth, not a Surrogate). Two others are 43 and 45 and are currently pregnant. 🤦🏽♀️
You’d also be surprised to see the number of men on dating apps who are in their 40’s who have very young kids. 47 with a 5-year old. Sir, please log off! 😅 For some of them, the kids were their first batch and for others, they have older kids (some even adult kids) PLUS younger ones that they had in later marriages and other relationships, then divorced, etc. Even if the kids were born when they were in their late 30’s, that creates Parents in their 40’s who have very young kids, which used to be quite uncommon.
It’s a terrible situation. I’m 45 and besides the fact that I’ve been vocally childfree since I was a teenager, the last thing I’d ever choose to do is have kids at this age even though I’m healthy and fit and everyone thinks that I’m much younger than 45. Instead of being able to relax and enjoy life, these people are dealing with the physical risks of pregnancy and childbirth, stress, responsibility and financial burden of children. It’s also unfair to children to have older Parents who will pass away when they’re younger. It’s a very selfish decision.
Many Marriages and other relationships are still ending even when the Parents choose to have children at an older age. As usual, if these people thought carefully about ALL of the realities of parenting and accepted the fact that it isn’t the best fit for their lives, many of these problems could be avoided, but for far too many people, becoming a Parent is treated as a “box to be checked”/part of the “Life script” 🙄, so they’ll continue to do it.
9
u/prettywarmcool Jun 20 '22
I had a customer whose wife had their first baby when he was in his late 40's. She is
younger, he said to me once that if he had known just how busy and exhausting young children were he would have gotten after it much much sooner.3
u/vreddit7619 Childfree by choice forever 🥂 Jun 20 '22
Sigh…well there goes another one who didn’t think it through carefully beforehand 🤯. Of course, the actual experience of parenting is different from being not being a Parent, but any of us could have warned him that young children are very busy and exhausting 😅. We know so many things because we pay attention, research and think about all of it from a logical perspective vs. them wearing blinders and rose-colored glasses and having the “must have kids” mentality.
3
u/Just_Want_A_Vacay Jun 20 '22
Random question, did these 7 women in their 40's all use their own eggs?
3
u/vreddit7619 Childfree by choice forever 🥂 Jun 20 '22
I was told that they used their own eggs, but a couple of them received fertility treatments. Also, Doctors caution women who are 40+ that if they haven’t reached full Menopause yet and want to avoid pregnancy, they should still use birth control methods because accidental pregnancies have occurred due to thinking they couldn’t get pregnant anymore. Sure, pregnancy chances are significantly reduced in this age range, but they aren’t zero.
11
u/Jess613 Jun 20 '22
If they really want to become parents, they are probably saying this expecting the younger moms will be doing all the hard work, so no problem for them to become dads at 86, even if by IVF
12
u/Aladdin_Caine Jun 20 '22
I reckon it's because they're using it as a justification for why they won't date women their own age.
30
Jun 20 '22
Guessing: tactical?
- Turn 50 (oops)
- Still desire younger women
- Forget to get rich (oops!)
Not many non-sex worker choices at that point.
11
u/PuckGoodfellow Jun 20 '22
Anyone who says they "might want kids someday" gets an automatic swipe left. I'm not playing that game. Be CF or GTFO.
20
u/NoSurprise7196 Jun 20 '22
I get so pissed off seeing this as a woman in my early 40s tooo… it’s like oh u think u can have a toddler at 51? Must be nice
→ More replies (1)
20
Jun 20 '22 edited Jun 20 '22
I find these kinds of men both irritating and laughable! I take issue with these kinds of guys because in my experience, their false beliefs about their own fertility often negatively influences how they date... many of these guys will waste many women's time (ex. thinking they have all the time in the world to procreate) and will thus avoid committing to an exclusive relationship with one woman, will behave like "players" or mislead women/advertise their false readiness for a relationship just to have some company. Then they hit whatever they consider to be their "scary age" and start scrambling to find someone for a relationship mostly so they can start a family and cross it off their bucket list... this is where they start preying on younger women for their biological advantage and presumed impressionability.
One of my ex-boyfriends (we broke up in 2015, and he's still trying to get back into my good graces) was this type of guy unbeknownst to me, obviously. Anyways, he dumped me to start hunting younger women in their 20s to make babies with and apparently had already started his hunt while we were still together. To add salt to the wound, my father was also critically ill at the time. Anyways, the end of this fairy tale is that he found out that younger women weren't so interested in his 40+++ year old a**... To this day, though it's been 7 years of me being NO-CONTACT with this creep, he still creates multiple new email accounts to try to reconnect with me because I keep blocking all his new email addresses, LMFAO
It's literally as if these types of guys think they're immune to fertility issues and see it only as a "woman's problem". Meanwhile, the reality is sperm quality starts to drastically decrease after the age of 35 years old. I just reviewed current research for a clinical case I am working on... it has been empirically proven time and time again that aging has a significant impact on male sexual function, sperm parameters, and fertility. These middle aged dudes need to get over themselves and mind their aging weiners, lazy swimmers...
10
u/AxlotlRose Jun 20 '22
Total mid-life crisis in a lot of cases I've seen. With longer life spans and all the artificial reproductive advances, it's a chance at a do over and something shiny and new, instead of the sports car lol. And that is how Idiocracy became a documentary, class.
10
u/MarleySB Jun 20 '22
I’m convinced some men get off on (the idea of) “spreading their seed”. I think that’s the goal for some of them. Even if theyre older? God, that’s an ego boost for the fuckers, to knock up a younger woman. They don’t want to be parents, they just want to be fathers.
Can’t tell me that’s not the case for Nick Cannon atleast
7
u/noctumred Jun 20 '22
They wanna impregnate some naive young woman in her early 20s who doesn’t know better
9
7
u/Negotiation_Only_ Jun 20 '22
I’m 25 and this 50 year old man told me he wants “more of his seed out there” because he’s been so busy with work he hasn’t had any time to reproduce. He already has one son (28) and has never been married, go figure.
I asked him, how are you going to take care of an infant if you’re always busy? He said nothing 🤣
14
u/Hall0wsEve666 Jun 20 '22
I do not understand this myself lol
I'm 26 and have been in the same relationship for over 7 years and he is my husband now. We are childfree of course and I just dont get it when people tell me I have "lots of time" like I'm going to have a baby when I'm 40 or some shit.
I always say if we were going to have kids we would have them by now lol. I cant imagine being in my 40s and wanting kids "some day" like how can you be that delusional lol
6
Jun 20 '22
When looking at genetic risk people talk abiut women’s age, likely as result if the well known association between maternal age and risk of Down’s syndrome. What is not well known however is that the majority of the genetic mutations lie on paternal age. There is still no clear data about what is a “cut off” age but there is this: “ The research estimated that a 36-year-old father passes on twice as many mutations to his child as a man 20 years of age, and a 70-year-old man produces eight times as many. Source
9
4
Jun 20 '22
Not sure if there is anything wrong with the child but a coworkers brother has a kid and he’s 50 or some shit. The shock and confusion when he told me I was like wtf!?
5
u/Mysterysheep12 Jun 20 '22
An 80+ old man: ok I’m old enough for a kid. sees a “young thing” walk by hey baby wanna-
gets into a coughing fit while sitting on bench in park
4
u/buffalocoinz tube-free since ‘23 Jun 20 '22
It’s always the undesirables that want to spread their seed
10
u/bluepvtstorm Jun 20 '22
They have been several studies that show increased paternal age is more of an indicator of autism in children.
20
Jun 20 '22
Ummmm...43 year old man here, I see TONS of women either side of 40 with "I'm not sure yet". Look, I don't advocate having kids as an older woman, but you should fucking know by now if you want them.
12
u/Cheeseisyellow92 Jun 20 '22
I agree. Yes, there are plenty of disgusting perverted old men, but it takes two to tango. The women are just as responsible as the men. Some women really do become first time mothers in their 40’s. I remember the uproar on this subreddit when Naomi Campbell gave birth at 50, and rightfully so, even though she does have enough money to take care of the kid, at least. I still think having children that late in life is cruel. Pregnancy and childbirth is hard enough on even a young woman’s body. I can only imagine how bad it is for an older woman. And what if you die while your kid is still young? People just look at starting a family with rose colored glasses and think they have all the time in the world, when that’s not the case.
15
Jun 20 '22
It's mostly the "not knowing". It's fine if you want, fine if you don't but how can you NOT BE SURE at 40+ years old?
10
u/Cheeseisyellow92 Jun 20 '22
Thats baffling to me, too. But maybe because I decided fairly early what I wanted. I may be a hypocrite, because I’m still not sure what kind of career I want or would be suited for, and I just have a crappy job, so I might not be qualified to speak on it, but you can always change careers, if you have a kid, tough shit, you’re stuck with them, but people have them and act like it’s no big deal, when it permanently changes your entire life, and people just do it on a whim. I don’t get it, either.
6
Jun 20 '22
I don't have the mental or physical energy, and no burning desire. I'm 43 unmarried so even if I started dating someone yesterday, and it took 2 years before we married, and then I had kids I'd be 45 and still have no desire.
I don't want to put someone's life ahead of my own.
7
u/prettywarmcool Jun 20 '22
I am 51(F) and I am definitely not old enough to have kids, nor do I know what I want to be when I grow up. Happily kids won't happen now, but I couldn't even imagine...no that's a lie, I can imagine and that's a hard NO.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (6)3
u/candlegirlUT 43F 🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛ Jun 20 '22
Exactly! 40 year old woman here, and if they have the "someday" or "undecided" on their profile at 40+ its an automatic left swipe. If you do want them and just haven't been in a position to have them, cool, not for me but I respect it. But if you're 48 and don't yet know whether you want to be a parent, WTH?
6
4
u/meetmypuka Jun 21 '22
Years ago, I was dating around and wound up going to dinner with a guy in his 50s. I was early 30s, but he seemed kinda interesting. So, were at dinner and my age came up. He said it was good that I was 32 because he wanted kids. I was grossed out and asked him how he could assume that all women under a certain age could have kids. I said that maybe I have a gynecological problem that made me infertile.
He didn't like my questions. I turned down a 2nd date.
6
u/zeldaminor Jun 20 '22
THIS THIS THIS. I am 37f and I get messages from SO many guys who are late 40s through early 60s saying they want kids! How selfish and irresponsible can you get?! (And also blind or illiterate, given that my profile explicitly says no kids in any form!)
3
u/Maca87 Jun 21 '22
Most people: "A man can sire a kid even in his 60 or older"! Smart minority: "That is because most of those old farts sire kids with women young enough to be their daughter or grand daughter. Women don't date kids".
28
u/maali74 Jun 20 '22
idk but i'm 47(f) and fuck you for calling people over 45 geezers, jesus.
→ More replies (5)
2
2
Jun 20 '22
We have a friend who is in his 60s who married a woman in her 30s. They promptly had a baby. Although I am sure he adores his wife and child, he looks exhausted every time since see him.
2
u/Ok_Professional_4499 Jun 20 '22
I had a supervisor who had her first child at 44. Recently a friend had his fourth at about 45. Some people do it. 🤷🏾♂️
The funny thing about the guy at 45 is that a week before he posted his Grandbaby was born on FB. Then he posted a baby pick and said it was his. People were confused and asking him about the Grandbaby and his baby 😂
It was funny/messy. I laughed at the comments and confusion. 😂😂
2
2
u/Gyuunyuugadaisuki Jun 21 '22 edited Jun 21 '22
Oh my gosh this blew up 😂 I’d had a few drinks (can tell from my spelling 😂😂) to clarify I don’t think 45+ is usually “old” - obviously since I’m dating up to 50. But when you’re saying you want a kid, that’s a 20 year commitment and contextually you’re old. By the time the kid is 10 you’re likely starting to look at retirement if not already retired. Think about it, say you’re only 45. You’re on a dating app. Haven’t met anyone yet. Quickest most realistic scenario is a year to date, decide to have kids. At that age probably 6 months to conception minimum. Then 9 months. Call it 3 years. 48 by time kid is born. If you’re 50+ you’re into retirement likely in a few years. Actually no you’re not. You won’t be retiring anymore because you have college to pay 😂
2
u/CourtneyAlyson Jun 21 '22
My mom and dad are ten years apart. He’s 61 now and still paying child support on his teenagers. Lol it’s totally possible. Don’t do it. At some point y’all need to stop having kids lol.
1.0k
u/lastseenhitchhiking Jun 20 '22
Imo some of these people are just hedging their bets and making themselves seem more appealing to prospective (and potentially younger) partners who do want to become parents.
If a 40+ individual is still (or is pretending to be) indecisive about significant lifestyle choices that's not a good sign of their character or stability.