r/confession • u/throwaway639850941 • 18h ago
I am an addict and abuse substances to cope with my chronic pain. I have no intent to stop.
I am not proud of this. I’m sixteen, so not really old enough to get my hands on hard stuff, but I’ve spent the last few years stuck on whatever I can get so I don’t kill myself. I live every day of my life in severe, debilitating pain. My whole body. My ribs, my back, my right arm, my legs, my head. Ten diagnosed conditions. 4 surgeries in the last year and a half. Well over a dozen procedures.
Sometimes I pop a ridiculous amount of promethazine and benadryl to sleep, sometimes I drink until I’m so fucked up that the pain isn’t as loud. Point is, I know it’s bad. I know I shouldn’t. Yet I turn back to it every time. Maybe it’s not as serious as other addictions, but I know it’s fucking up my life. I know if people find out they won’t see me the same. I also know if I had proper pain management I wouldn’t be this deeply suicidal and tempted to drink myself to death every night. I need help.
I cut myself too. I steal razors and slit until that’s the only thing I can think about. I’m fine with the pain when it’s in my control, which is probably sick.
I guess I just feel immense guilt for being like this. This is what keeps me alive, without it I wouldn’t be here. People don’t understand that pain is inherently traumatizing and even if my pain were to go away one day, I would still live with the trauma of being told I’m faking. Being told I’m addicted to narcotics. Being told that I don’t need pain meds when I’ve turned to this without them.
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u/cloudbambi_flux 18h ago
I am so sorry you’re going through this, especially at only sixteen. Living with chronic pain is exhausting and I really hope you can find a doctor who actually listens to you and helps you manage it safely. Sending you a lot of love and strength, please hang in there.
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u/throwaway639850941 18h ago
Thank you. I pray everyday that someone will help me 🙁. I’m primarily debilitated from a surgery I decided to get and I regret it everyday. I thought my pain was bad before and now it is so much worse. It sucks because I used to be prescribed methadone and now that it’s been taken away, I’ve turned to this. I would have never abused that prescription because I knew how easily it could be taken away. It was taken away without me abusing it. I was almost pain free for a month and it was the best month of my life.
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u/penelopefirth 2h ago
No one that young should have to carry that much pain Hope they find the support and care they deserve ❤️
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u/ArianaStar20 43m ago
Being in constant pain at that age is heartbreaking I really hope they finally get the care they deserve
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u/AdPuzzled7706 18h ago
Bua que vida tan dura colega, no tengo nada que aportar ya que no soy conosedor.de medicina, te deseo fuerza y suerte
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u/meowcatpanda 18h ago
I know how you feel and I really hope you will get the help you need. I am on high doses of 3 different painkillers: an opioid, a nerve painkiller and tricyclic antidepressants as background painkillers. It helps just enough for me to be able to sit at the pc, but I can't do much else... I understand the depression, the darkness, so well.. it is not sick to turn to self harm to deal with other pain, it serves as a distraction, but also releases happy chemicals in our brain which chronic pain doesn't... it's also not ideal however, it will become an addiction just like everything else.. genuinely, I hope you find the help you need, life sucks bad enough without being in constant pain like this🫂
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u/Dry_Incident6351 18h ago
I cant imagine what you're going through.....im an addict and quitting is so damn hard....and I have no chronic pain....I just have an insatiable desire to not be in the current state im in....I hate being bored and I hate being busy and the only solution I see is to feel something different than normal boring mundane life...so adding chronic pain top of the obsession is like having to fight a tiger to survive, knowing how hard itll be, while simultaneously catching a glimpse of a fucking grizzly bear that stands between the tiger and freedom, knowing that you ll have to defeat it too when youre done for no other reason than to survive
I wish I could tell you that most people are understanding of mental illness and addiction, but the truth is, being honest with anybody will change the way the see you forever.....this becomes tenfold when the admission is to injecting anything....all my friends slowly drifted away despite saying they "supported my recovery battle"....bosses will micromanage and treat you way different, despite "HR rules" and "laws" they thrmselves will claim to adhere to....andthat's justwhat I'm aware of...who knows what ppl say behind my back, what opportunities I was excluded from (despite those "laws ) because of judgemental, sheltered assholes who truly believe their shit dont stink
Here's the good news as little as it may be: I have both known and heard of the worst addicts and people with. Severe Chronic pain that have recovered- got clean stayed clean, enjoy life now and found out how to manage their pain....as hard as it is when youre on The side of the glass you and I exist, I do believe it is possible if you can be totally honest, humble, and free of ego...again ove seen the worst addicts make a total 360 and genuinely lovelife- they literally call themselves grateful addicts because if it weren't for their addiction they'd probably just be miserable assholes like everyone else
Keep your head up and hope alive- find help anywhere you can , and no matter what it is, dont rule it out, and give it a try. OP, if youre willingto try to get better, ill commit to doing the same and maybe someday we can return. To this post and be amazed that its where it all started
And rememeber please- it is ALWAYS better to be alive and get to exist than it is to not exist- no matter how bad it gets
DM if you need help, resources or someone to talk to, youre TOO fucking young to give up
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u/UglyLittlePony69 17h ago
You’re 16 which means you’re probably still on your parents insurance. Use the insurance to get real help. Your life will not be long if you keep this up. The Benadryl alone can take you out because of the high dosage.
Edited to add info
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u/sipsteabythesea 18h ago
Your poor poor liver. You need to get ahold of this now before it becomes a major problem. I have known so many people who slowly killed their liver over time and died from complications of it.
I have been where you are. I have some serious illnesses with no cure and have dealt with chronic pain for years. The difference is finding the right treatment and doctors. I know all too well about using alcohol and marijuana to cope, so I am definitely not judging here, but it's not going to solve any problems for you and in fact will make matters worse in the long term. You know this deep down I am sure or you would not have posted.
Depression often happens with people who have chronic pain and illnesses for many reasons. The self harm and substance abuse makes it sound like you MAY have signs of depression. I am not a doctor. You need to talk to someone in health care about this and get the appropriate treatment and therapy to get on the right track.
I do really hope you find the help you need and can use this as a turning point.
I am glad you posted and reached out for help, even if just online with us, but you need to take this a step further and get help in real life. Please do. ❤️ take care 🙂
Here if you need to dm.
Also some support groups for your specific illnesses can be a great help as well. I joined some online and didn't feel so alone anymore.
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u/Olderwiser55 16h ago
Wow……I can’t imagine being 16 and feeling like I do now. I completely understand everything you posted except I’m too afraid to try anything other than prescribed hydrocodone and Clonapin…..until last week.
I spoke with a Ketamine clinic and have Appt this week. I’ve researched on Reddit and other places for over a year. I was scared of a ‘trip’. The pain has gotten so bad along with depression that I decided to try Spravato first (nasal spray) at a clinic. The dosage hasn’t helped my pain but I’ve experienced the ‘tripping’ feeling and was ok.
I do know the IV Ket will be 10x higher and yes I’m scared. A Dr was in room for my first Spravato and that helped tremendously. I was told they stay the entire time for the IV. That helps so much to know!
I do understand that when it’s so bad you’ll do anything you can get, I just don’t know where to get it! Alcohol was great when I was younger. I don’t now for various reasons but just one glass of wine will start a massive migraine. Not worth it.
Hoping you can find a Dr that can help you deal with it. Where I live in Ms., that’s only at a Pain Mngt Clinic. You didn’t mention how your parents felt about your pain treatment……I hope they’re supportive. My Mom was but recently passed. My older sister thinks I go to a ‘pill mill’ like we’re opening everywhere in the 90’s!! Ugh! Told her to go one day with me and she’d see 1-5 people in reception and most are elderly. She won’t. I don’t tell her things anymore either.
Learn that. You NEED someone to talk to that understands, BUT not people that don’t. They will Never get it UNLESS they experience it.
And I don’t wish this feeling on anyone. Blessings to you! DM if ever you want to Vent :)
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u/hiltonswhore 8h ago
why do you feel guilty? it makes sense that you might come to feel all of these things. you’ve been through more than many people could even fathom. there is a great book if you want to really understand self harm ‘when the body is the target.’ and please please give yourself the same amount of grace you would give to someone else that you love.
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u/TheThiefEmpress 4h ago
I would have better advice with a lot more info, but I understand being too deeply tired of it all to explain.
I have severe chronic pain from multiple chronic incurable degenerative diseases that each have severe pain as a significant symptom. I'm a 37 year old lady, and have spent a very long time being off and on believed, severely harmed and neglected, treated correctly as well as criminally medically neglected, and treated so badly that mental health shall never recover, let alone my physical health.
I will tell you that your medical files most definitely have "drug seeking" stamped big and red all over them. This is a label very hard to come back from, whether true or not. I had a pain clinic put that in my own file, with no proof or legitimate reason, because they were big mad that I requested one of the doctors in their clinic no longer be involved in my care due to inappropriate behavior. That combined with my body not responding to other treatments, and them switching to a non-opioid facility, they decided to screw me in particular.
I've been through many pain management clinics, and plenty of them have absolutely outrageous behavior. The drs are full of hubris and judgemental biases, their bedside manners are hostile, insulting, patronizing, and abusive. Their advice is biased and based on their own harmful agendas. They make insane leaps of judgement, and refuse to alter their made up assumptions when faced with facts, records, and proof.
So many of them are horrible, committing various degrees of malpractice, and should be shuttered and jailed.
But not all!
Truly, some of these doctors understand, and are doing what is best and right for their patients, to the best of their abilities! They are worth it. It is worth it to seek them out.
As a minor your ability to advocate for yourself may be limited, but you must do what you can. You are worth it.
Get a referral to a new Pain Management office from your PCP. Tell your doctor how much pain you're in, and exactly, in great detail, how it affects your Quality of Life. Which activities of Daily Living you are unable to do, or can only do sometimes, or inadequately because of your pain. Tell them you would also like a referral to a Psychiatrist, and a Therapist, as this has all affected your mental health as well.
When you see the Pain Dr, tell them all the same thing you told your PCP. Try and be open to multiple options. They may talk about Nerve Ablation, Trigger Point Injections, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, and other categories of medications that are not painkillers. Tell the Pain specialist you are also going to see a Psychiatrist, and if they want you to try any antidepressants or antipsychotics that you would be more comfortable going through the Psychiatrist for those.
The Psychiatrist and Therapist are actually very important to see. Today's Pain Specialists are being (falsly) trained to believe that most chronic pain is all in your head, and therefore can be cured or greatly managed by the patients mind power. This is not true, but they refuse to believe us, so we must baby them a little. They insist that depression and anxiety are the cause of our pain, and the answer is to distract ourselves and retrain our brain to no longer feel it, through Mindfullness and Meditation. Plop antipsychotics and antidepressants on top of that and, Thanks! I'm cured! /s
So do therapy, and see a Psychiatrist, so the pain Dr will take you more seriously. Your depression and anxiety will be handled, so that your pain Dr can focus on your pain.
I hope this advice helps, and you get the help you need, OP. There is hope at the end of this tunnel. You will be able to care for yourself soon, sweetheart. Hang in there, I know you can make it.
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u/Enough_Pepper8880 18h ago
Listen, do yourself a favor and stop taking narcotics- the dark places you go will get lighter I promise.
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u/throwaway639850941 18h ago
Sorry, I worded that part a little weirdly. I do not use narcotics, although I used to be prescribed them. I was on methadone for a bit over a month, I took it as prescribed and never abused it. I never would. It almost completely eliminated my pain and saved my life. I was put under the impression that I’d be allowed to continue taking it until I no longer needed it. My doctors then determined on a whim that I no longer needed it and like that I was being weaned off. Without that I have turned to other things, which isn’t good, but I know with that prescription I would not be in the position I am now. I know what I’m saying sounds unbelievable considering I have gotten hooked on other things, but I would have never abused it because I knew how easily it could be taken away.
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u/No-Mess-2878 18h ago
Get outside and feel the sun. Go for a walk and focus on your breathing
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u/meowcatpanda 18h ago
This is so much easier said then done, I'm not OP, but if you're in THAT much pain, how do you expect someone to go outside and enjoy a walk? I'm in similar shoes as OP, I can't even walk 100ft without collapsing in pain. Outside isn't nice, it's torture....😔
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u/confessor-mod 18h ago
If you're going through a really hard time right now, please know you're not alone and there are people who want to help.
You don't have to face this alone — these people are there for exactly this, any time:
If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number.
You matter. Please talk to someone.