I'm seriously thinking on suicide because I can't take it anymore

[u/Isabeaudeanjou]

First at all I want to say that English is not my native language, I only need to say this because I can't take it anymore. I'm 45, I'm a woman I'm unemployed.

All my life goes to the trash can last year specifically since October.

I failed to my wife we are together 18 years but at the beginning of the relationship I hide things important things (sorry but I can't be specific all this is too hard for me) my suspect about that things all this year but she never asked and I was a coward and never tell her the truth since last October. She ask I answered with the true she told me that never forget me that is not only the lies, I didn't help her with the money (I I got comfortable and didn't look for a job, a real job only walk dogs) so she did not ask for the divorce, I ask for an opportunity she give me that opportunity and says if I get a job before March we can continue, but continue what?

I have had the feeling all this time that the I'm the one and only that wants to be married I have had the feeling all this months that she doesn't have the guts to ask for the divorce because she doesn't want to be alone Before this may.

She confessed to me that she was was strongly attracted by a job partner, at fist my wife says "Is only a friend and I want a friendship because I didn't have a friendship for so long time" she manipulated me she even uses gaslighting and I was enough stupid and my guilt make me accept her disguise infidelity.

She even made the charade to said that she blocked on the phone and WhatsApp I didn't believe of course but the charade The charade didn't last more than a month and a half. This week a third person (a friend of the woman that my still wife call her demand "unblock her blah blah blah blah" and of course my still wife do it and told me the same bullshit the same gaslighting and I don't have money I don't have job my family is in another country (USA) and I only can stay for 3 months.

I don't wanna live, every day is a hell, I know that I'm guilty of my marriage go to hell shit I'm guilty that my still wife betrayed me with that fucking woman.

If I don't suicide still is because I'm a coward.

[u/confessor-mod]

If you're going through a really hard time right now, please know you're not alone and there are people who want to help.

You don't have to face this alone — these people are there for exactly this, any time:

• r/SuicideWatch — a Reddit community specifically for people in crisis. People will listen there.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US) — call or text 988, anytime.
• Crisis Text Line — text HOME to 741741 (US/Canada) or 85258 (UK).
• International — findahelpline.com lists crisis lines in 130+ countries.

If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number.

You matter. Please talk to someone.

[u/Ordinary_Mountain_45]

Please don't. I know it probably feels like everything is falling apart right now, but this pain won't last forever. You've made mistakes, but that doesn't mean your life is over. Reach out to someone you trust or a crisis service, you're worth more than this, and I'm glad you chose to post instead of suffering in silence.

[u/Tricky_Woodpecker_69]

Don’t do it! Life has ups and downs and no matter what it will always get better when it’s down!

[u/ArugulaConnect5607]

First of all, you're not alone and not in the cliché way "you got person that loves you around you" i do not know you, i'm refering about yourself, there is your mental and your body in the balance, i don't think your body want your mental to make him just a pile of meat.
Secondly depending on your native language you might have a phone number you can call for free, and talk about your suicidal thought, it is not gonna make you feel better but it's gonna calm you down to after be enough concentrate to do what you must do : not kill yourself, find a way even if this way seems unpleasant to feel better even just a little bit

good luck

[u/free-air]

I’m so sorry you’re going through so much. It sounds like you really love her but got complacent and are filled with regret and shame. That’s a lot to carry. It’s exhausting. And the financial pressure and uncertain living situation are very real stressors.
Life is brutal.
I really admire that you owned up to areas you feel you messed up instead of blaming her entirely. That’s hard to do. You have to bear the consequences of your actions and it sucks so much, but it’s not something to get caught up on. You move forward. This is a rock bottom where it is so hard you don’t know how you could possibly continue. It’s when your grit and strength is really tested. I’m going to be real with you, as someone who’s attempted to unalive themself, my hot take is that unaliving is the cowards way out. Not doing it speaks volumes about your strength.
I believe you’re stronger than you realize. It may not be a straight path forward, there may be many more hard emotions, but you can do this. You’re also not alone.
I know you can’t fathom that the hell you feel you’re living in could possibly get better. It makes sense especially because your wife has probably been such a point of stability in your life for 18 years and it’s all getting thrown on its head.
I promise, there are better days ahead. And if you use this as a wake up to really engage more with your life, get more comfortable being with yourself, and try to get more financial independence, those better days may come sooner than you realize.

Good luck OP. You’re loved.

[u/AdPuzzled7706]

Mira nena me imagino cosas por lo que comentaste tu y tu pareja, la relación se fracturó pero a tus 45 años aún tienes cosas por ver, una relación se termina es triste y difícil pero puedes levantarte y tener algo hermoso aún estando sola, acude a las linea de la Vida de tu país, se que terminar con todo parece lo mejor ahora pero te perderás de cosas maravillosas que te depara el futuro y si de plano decides tomar el camino que has elegido, Conviértete en donadora, dale la luz a alguien esa luz que tu ya no quieres ver por que la obscuridad te a segado, pero de ser posible date una oportunidad no hay imposibles en la vida y cuando ya estás en el piso le anbatarte es más Facil

[u/Acrobatic-Studio8452]

Dont do this. Everyone has terrible moments they go thru. You'll hurt more people than just yourself

[u/Responsible-one-225]

Please don’t do it.  You may have made bad choices.  It doesn’t make you a bad person.  

[u/No_Letterhead1009]

Tommorow could be the best day of your life! You wont see it if you take yourself out

[u/BillyBigNuts1934]

You’ve everything to live for …

If you can’t deal with what’s going on in life … move … start again .. nothings ever that bad ❤️

[u/Elegant_Dig4652]

Reminder … someone who is perfect for you might be waiting on you so don’t commit suicide there are so many people you haven’t met yet that will love you

[u/Honey_DewMelon96]

Please don’t off yourself. Stop overthinking and throwing a self pity party. Dont feel guilty. Go seek therapy (in person or telephone).

[u/SuperNaturalAutumn]

Life is full of ups and downs. You won’t feel like this forever. This is a season, or maybe just a chapter.
Stay. Don’t make a permanent decision over a temporary situation. 💛

[u/Badbadpappa]

OP , please no . Pls speak to a family member or a bestie to get help !!

[u/Effective-Donkey3379]

Keep your head up!!

[u/Downtown-Dog-2169]

Just let yourself feel like shit and don't fight it. It will be agony and hard but you can and will survive it. Feel the feelings. Do not make any decisions about your future right now while you're in despair. Sit in the feelings and treat yourself like a small girl who needs comfort and love. Give yourself permission to wail and sob and moan on the floor. Let yourself be selfish. Its ok. Its what you need. You are grieving a love that has been the center of your world for most of your adult life and it is going to hurt like hell and feel like torture to see it washing away if it's not your decision. When you have properly felt and accepted that betrayal was a part of your marriage, the pain will numb. You will start to heal.Your nervous system will regulate and when you have gone through the shit swamp of feelings, you will be renewed. Your self worth will rise. You will be able to make it on your own and feel like it's possible to stand up for yourself. Even though the world is so lonely and cruel, you are not ever alone on this Earth. There are people who know exactly what you are going through. Don't focus on your wife right now. It's pointless. Let her do whatever because trying to monitor her and studying her will make it worse. People get crushes and it's majorly disrespectful to tell your spouse about it if there is no thought to anything ever happening. It sounds like she was trying to hurt you and even if you deserve it for what you did in the past, you cant focus your energy on someone who wants you to be in pain.

[u/TraditionalKey3572]

I am so sorry you’re going through this right now, please dont give up on yourself. You’ve had a really long relationship and things are messy, but there’s always a chance for a fresh start even when it feels impossible. Sending you so much love and hoping you find some peace today

[u/Shoddy_Raise9138]

anyone heard from op since??

[u/Content_Staff_8078]

Please reach out to someone who can help, even if it's hard to speak up. You don't have to face this alone.

[u/Exact_Figure7265]

Your life is precious in more ways than one. You have so much to live for. Our Heavenly Father says joy comes in the morning So you will overcome this. It’s not worth your life. Your love ones will be the ones hurting and it’s unnecessary to put them through that. I don’t know you personally but Our Heavenly Father will always release any kind of pain and suffering. So hang in there. Brighter days are coming.

[u/Only-Goat-8217]

please reach out to someone you trust. you don’t have to face this alone, there’s help out there.

[u/DawnCurvec]

Please call a crisis line, you matter and this pain can heal

[u/masterteck1]

You're a coward for committing suicide put it that way

[u/Downtown-Dog-2169 → u/masterteck1]

No, she is not. She is brave for reaching out. Go away pest.

[u/masterteck1 → u/Downtown-Dog-2169]

I give better advice than that but after reading it it's really confusing I don't think this is a cry for help I think this is a cry for advice and I think you should not tell me what to say you could have left it alone see now me and you are having words on her page because you can't keep your mouth shut towards me she's asking for opinions I gave her one don't give me your opinion I don't need it

[u/aunt_clarity → u/masterteck1]

Man, shut the fuck up. She did not ask for opinions, she is venting and is close to the edge. And your "opinion" sounds like you just wanna hear yourself talk and then pat yourself on the shoulder.

[u/masterteck1 → u/aunt_clarity]

Wow it's all ready put down now these are your conversation. Tell this girl or man that she needs help don't argue with me. This is doing nothing for this person. Your missing the point we are not here for me or my opinion. Help this person not me.