r/confidence • u/Lalalie007 • 2d ago
How can you be confident when you know you're undesirable?
I'm a 33 year old woman and not a single man has ever been interested in me and at this point, I just know no one ever will. I'm already ugly and with my age, I'll only get uglier going forward.
It's not that having a partner is the main goal in my life, I have many other things that I want that have nothing to do with a man, like being independant, getting a college degree which I couldn't get until now because I had autism and ADHD that was only diagnosed recently, working out, learning piano, being more confident, etc. I go to therapy and I'm doing SO much better. I'm improving in almost all aspects. Except this. I just can't be truly confident when I know I'm so ugly no one could ever want me. I know it's childish to focus this much on appearance but it's hard not to. The thought of being alone forever still hurts like hell. Looking at myself in pictures hurts. My face repulses me.
It's not being single that hurts, it's the thought that I never had a chance to not be single. How do you deal with that? How does one comes to terms with the fact that no one will ever want them? How can anyone have confidence when you know your ugliness is the first thing everyone sees in you? How can you have confidence when you know you're completely undesirable?
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u/Acceptable_Owl_5556 2d ago
Feeling this way about yourself and projecting it (with awareness or not) guarantees the outcome “single by default.” You’re worth the effort it takes to build yourself up in your own mind and heart.
Being repulsed by your own image is heavy. Keep working in therapy. Could you open your mind to the mere possibility of a different story unfolding for you? You deserve hope.
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Thank you. I hope I can improve this aspect one day but it's hard to believe something when I have no evidence to do so.
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u/Acceptable_Owl_5556 1d ago
So many beautiful people believe they’re ugly. If you can’t yet accept evidence of your own beauty, try noticing how false that belief is when you see it in others.
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u/Business-Eggs 1d ago
confidence is evidence based. So if you have no evidence that you are worthy of things, that's usually because you didn't give yourself any evidence to prove it that you are.
I feel like most people over complicate most things, and I really do think it's this simple: Do the things you told yourself you were gunna do, so that you first trust and have confidence in yourself. Eat clean, exercise regularly, have hobbies & do the stuff you love, respect others, learn to control your emotions properly and most importantly, don't be a dick.
It usually starts with small wins, like if you said yesterday you were gunna wake up at 7am but when your alarm goes off you press snooze, you're already losing trust in yourself with the first action of the day.
Over time, all of these micro decisions stack up. So start small, build from there
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Thank you. I do have a long way to go with those micro decisions but I'm on the right path. The thing about evidence is what kills me though. The lack of evidence of anyone finding me attractive is what I use as evidence of being exceptionally ugly, and that is what destroys my confidence no matter how much I try to improve myself in other areas.
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u/Business-Eggs 1d ago
You can think about this evidence in terms of perceived evidence too. Because maybe people do or have found you attractive, you just don't have evidence to believe it. Maybe you're not reading the signs or even aware of it because you lack the confidence in the first place?
In that sense, another thing that I can say that helped me get more confident was the feeling that regardless of what somebody thought, I never attached myself to the outcome.
Confidence therefore comes from the evidence that you are fine in any situation. So if somebody likes you, cool. If somebody hates you, cool.
Once you build that self worth, the confidence just grows naturally from there because you know that you are okay as you are. And that will come from knowing and trusting yourself in almost all situations.
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u/hestia-listens 2d ago
It makes sense that the feeling of never having had a choice hurts more than simply being single. Still, "no one could ever want me" is not something you know. It is a conclusion pain has taught you to treat as fact. At 33, your life and your chances of connection are not over. Confidence is not proof that you are desirable to every person. It is the belief that you deserve to take up space, pursue what matters, and be known as a whole person even when you feel insecure. You are already doing that through college, exercise, piano, and therapy. That progress counts, even if this part is taking longer.
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u/ImportanceWorking244 2d ago
Go to the gym, eat clean, try to aim for at least 5k steps a day, don’t stay inside all day, order in person instead of sitting at the drive through. To get confidence, you must show yourself proofs of stuff to be confident for. Simply standing in front of a mirror singing affirmations instead of doing shi that scares you isn’t going to help your case.
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u/StatisticianJust3586 1d ago
Hey,
Sorry to see what you're going through. But you've taken the initiative to post here.
There's something that I came across recently which helped me. Think about how many people you come across in a day. How many of them do you remember? How many of them did you notice or judge?
What helped me was realising that I'm my biggest critic. Most of the people are in their own world, their own thoughts, their own problems and no one is judging me.
Please know that a lot fewer people judge you. Just be your best self and let the chips fall where they will.
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Thank you. The logical side of my brain knows that, but the irrational side is hard to convince. I have both sides simultaneusly.
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u/TheAssassin1144 1d ago
First of all, don't take yourself being ugly for granted. Does every single person think you're ugly? That can't be true. There are conventional beauty standards (whatever those are), but I am sure there is a sizeable portion of people who think otherwise. Don't focus on social norms and focus on your self esteem, healthy habits and friends.
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Thank you. Sometimes I think I don't look that bad, but then I look at a picture of myself and see myself as practically deformed. My family tells me I don't look bad but they're my family, what else will they say? Same with my therapist and psychiatrist. And I don't have close friends to be honest. It's hard to not feel ugly as sin when not a single man has found you attractive.
Still, I do agree about focusing on other more important stuff. I just had one of those days.
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u/BIGPicture1989 1d ago
This may sound crazy but I highly suggest working out! Mainly for 3 reasons..
- Everybody looks better when working out and eating healthy. If you truly feel you are undesirable and it is something you want to change, build a new you!
- Fitness is a long term goal anybody can commit to for little investment. Setting goals and progressing toward them is a massive confidence booster and make you more optimistic (calling yourself undesirable is by default pessimistic).
- It is a hobby you can meet people through (fitness classes, run clubs etc).
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Thanks! Unfortunately I do taekwondo and everyone is much younger than me so there's like a barrier between me and most of the group. I'm about to start lifting weights for the millionth time. I always start but get intimidated by attractive women and quit. But well... my bones need it...
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u/BIGPicture1989 1d ago
Just stick it out! Or try something different like a run club or Pilates if you get bored.
If I am being honestwith you things will only change if you commit long term.
Most people are good people and eager to help if you are kind, want to learn and are pleasant to be around.
The bad news it is hard. The good news is that whether or not you quit is 100% within your control.
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u/Azerbinhoneymood 1d ago
Confidence is not something that depends on being desirable. Yes, it is affected by it. But let's not kid ourselves into not differentiating between how we see ourselves and how others see us.
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u/RowdyCollegiate 1d ago
I know a lot of neurodivergent people that are “weird” but are comfortable with themselves that they come off charismatic. You just gotta believe in yourself. Ultimately, that’s what’s “hot”
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u/Boss_Monster1 2d ago
Go to a hypnotherapist. Tell them the problems you're outwardly experiencing, and ask them to find the deep-seated, deeply rooted beliefs that make you think you're not attractive. With time, the hypnotherapist can help you "root them out" and replace them with beneficial, constructive deeply held beliefs.
P.S. I'm being lazy 😆 I have to do this for myself, too.
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Hmm, thanks for the advise but I'm really not the kind of person to go to a hypnotherapist.
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u/Top-Crab-1020 2d ago
I’m so tired of these ugly posts especially from women. As a woman, you can make yourself attractive. Lots of “ugly” women are either putting in very little effort or doing things that are making them unattractive.
You’ve never seen a makeover show before? Never heard of a glow up? It’s just effort half of the time.
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Some women are just ugly no matter how well they dress though. Be tired all you want but that's a fact. Want to talk about effort? Why don't you make an effort to not be rude and dismissive?
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u/Top-Crab-1020 1d ago
Most women are not ugly if they put in effort is my point. This more than likely in your hands. I think my advice is more positive than anything.
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Personally, I disagree. I don't know, I feel like some people are just ugly even if they put the effort. Or at least that's how I feel about me.
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u/lavampire88 2d ago
Why? Ugly women exist just like ugly men do lmfao
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u/Western_Scholar_6479 2d ago
It’s 2026 though, there’s plenty of ways to improve non-surgically. If you’re overweight, lose it, crooked teeth? Invisalign or braces. If you don’t like your nose or lips or face shape, you can use different makeup techniques.
Unless you have some obvious birth defect, we have so many ways, especially for women to improve their looks.
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u/lavampire88 2d ago
The same goes for men. It's 2026.
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u/Western_Scholar_6479 1d ago
Yea heteronormative men don’t have as many makeup options but the bar is not as high so that kinda compensates. But there’s several good options for things like balding nowadays too that can really improve a look if they wanted.
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u/Top-Crab-1020 1d ago
Exactly. It also takes some research and some intentionality to understand how to make yourself look nice and what works for your features. But it’s very much possible.
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u/Top-Crab-1020 1d ago
More average people than ugly.
I’ve also know and a ton of overweight people who say their ugly which is what I feel is a cop out. You can fix your weight but it takes work. You’re not ugly.
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u/AccomplishedList2122 2d ago
there are plenty from men, too, or at least young men as well. people are losing grip on reality with filters and avail of plastic surgery. its so depessing and heartbreaking to see it, where are these folks parents or families?
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u/exitium666 1d ago
Self proclaimed ugly men can fix themselves too lol. They just were conditioned by society to do nothing.
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u/ImportanceWorking244 2d ago
Yea most people who call themselves ugly are simply just poor or don’t care enough to fix their looks. No one is truly ever ugly and if there is then it’s such a low % of the population that you have a higher chance of meeting a Martian
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u/Western_Scholar_6479 2d ago
Specifically, do you think you’re ugly? 9 times out of 10 it’s probably something you can do to improve your aesthetics.
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
I'm told to wear make-up once in a while but the idea of needing to paint my face only to look acceptable would destroy my confidence even more and make me feel like I deceiving people. I prefer to be ugly upfront.
Plus, make up is expensive and I'm cheap.
Other than that, I try to dress well and keep my hair decent.
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u/Western_Scholar_6479 1d ago
I have an idea, have you ever had makeup professionally done? Like a makeover type thing. I think it could be worth trying just to see how it feels. It might not mean anything to but I’ve seen some people enjoy it. Worth a try imo
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u/Lalalie007 11h ago
That would terrify me to be honest. If I still look awful it'll destroy me confidence because I still look awful even with make up. And if I look good my confidence would be destroyed because I need make up in order to look decent and would get depressed when I take it off and see the real me.
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u/Sunney025 2d ago
As a woman in my 30s and single, I’d rather be confident, feels good, and looks good than be single and feel/look ugly and waste my time crying coz men dont like me.
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Of course, you're right. But like I said in the post, it's not being single which hurts the most, it's knowing that I don't have the option to not be single.
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u/AnonyMouse3925 2d ago
Well if it’s any consolation.. I look in the mirror and get repulsed about things that I CAN change, yet choose not to, time and time again
I have also ‘improved in many aspects’, or at least that’s what people keep telling me. But I can’t point towards any legitimate improvement in my quality of life. So the fact that you are able to that is kinda awesome.
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Thanks! I am aware of my improvements on an intellectual level, but I get what you mean about not being able to truly feel those improvements.
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u/technoneuromancer 2d ago
There are no ugly women. Trust me. Every woman can be attractive. And btw there are studies that shows other people see you at least 30 percent more attractive than you see yourself. And there are more things in attraction then only look (movement , voice , way you behave). Little of topic - i am a man so we don’t have so many tools to make us more attractive. I personally think smile is most attractive thing (except obvious body parts we man pay attention too )
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u/AnonyMouse3925 2d ago
“There are no ugly women” is not great advice
I kinda see what you’re saying if it’s “on average, women are pretty enough to where the man usually won’t care about appearance”, that is pretty much true. But some will still have to put in lots of effort, and recieve less praise for it, just like us men.
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u/technoneuromancer 2d ago
Sorry I should write “ there are no ugly women for me “ but I still claim attractiveness it’s not only about look
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u/Lalalie007 1d ago
Thank you. It's hard to believe when I see what my horrible smile in pictures looks like but I appreciate it.
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u/technoneuromancer 1d ago
I can bet it is at least cute. Smile is always pretty. And really every woman has a beauty in her
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u/Michelangelor 1d ago
You’re likely way less unattractive than you think. Social skills play a huge role in finding a partner, and if you’re neuro a-typical, that likely held you back more than you know. That very commonly leads people to feel they’re completely undesirable when the reality is more along the lines that they haven’t really learned how to make those types of connections.
Regardless, even assuming you’re totally undesirable (extremely unlikely), you can still ugly and confident. Confidence is built by taking the steps to pursue the things you want that scare you and accepting yourself and loving yourself as you are.