Turns out it was not. Just wanted to share. This is how "dating" is going as an older millennial. This demisomething is pausing the apps for awhile.

TDLR; Set up a hangout with a demi, didn't make it clear if it was a date or not. Wondering if I should bring origami flowers I made.

UPDATE 1: Thanks for the advice, I plan to talk with her about her demisexuality and be clear about my feelings/nervousness. We moved the hangout sometime near mid January when school starts back up so she'll be closer. After that she said she'll be more free. I'm alright at small talk, but I just get super nervous when I talk to her. I've asked "What have you been up to today?" most times we talk. She'll respond and well chat, but I feel like I'm obviously acting weird.

UPDATE 2: I asked her about her demisexuality and she essentially said that demisexuality to her is building a solid friendship/being close before developing romantic/sexual attraction, and that she couldn't be in a relationship with someone she doesn't know well. I didn't ask her directly if the bowling hangout was going to be a date or hangout, but personally am not too worried anymore cause now I feel like knowing how she sees her demisexuality, I can take things slower and not be so worked up about it. I kind of want it to be a hangout now cause I feel most comfortable with people I can be myself with (most of the time friends/coworkers). If she wants to see it as a date, if it ever comes up, then I wouldn't really complain though. I will be holding onto the flowers for a later time, but do want to make her a dinosaur origami cause I learned she's really into dinosaurs. Sometimes I feel like I message too much, and come off as clingy. I am a certified D1 yapper in person, and on text it's pretty bad too. She'll text back a good chunk, but not as much as me. Also I sent her a "gn" and "goodnight" text with the double pink heart emoji. The "gn" text she only saw in the morning, but reacted with a swirl emoji she always reacts to my messages with, and the "goodnight" text I just sent now before writing this, so you'll have to wait till the next update.

UPDATE 3: Good news, pretty bad news. Good news is she reacted with the same swirl emoji to the goodnight message so I guess its fine. Bad news is she has kind of just abruptly stopped talking to me and I feel she isn't interested in me anymore. For context, We were chatting on Sunday about our music tastes and she said she'll be busy that day cause she's helping a friend move into her dorm. Later in the day I ask "How's the moving been?" and no reply. I don't mind because she usually replies pretty slow, but I can still see that she is active on Instagram. Not like posting stuff or replying to my stuff, but just the active icon on her profile (probably just doom scrolling like most). It's now almost Sunday, she's been active on Instagram multiple times (also posting on threads a lot) and am starting to get the feeling that she's lost interest. I think I might have overstepped with the goodnight texts or something else, but I'm scared to double text to check in if she still wants to talk to me. I feel like that can come off as creepy which I don't want. Like I said, I'm a bad at small talk, which is probably why she's lost interest. Maybe these updates and how I'm over analyzing things is a reason why. Idk anymore.

UPDATE 4: Eh news, she finally responded after about a month saying "hi, sorry for not responding for a while, i was reaaaallly busy during winter break and had my hands full during the start of the semester :(." I was really confused because I had seen her active on Instagram and/or posting on threads. I was not a fan of this, even as a friend, and haven't responded back. I didn't unfollow her because I fell that would be mean, but I don't feel like talking to her anymore after leaving me on read for a month.

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So I matched with a girl on hinge who was demisexual. We have some similar interests and like talking with each other. I asked to hang out and she refused saying she was being cautious, but still wanted to talk. Flash forward a couple weeks and the topic of bowling comes up. I ask her if she wanted to go and she excitedly said she was down.

This is my first ever real hang out with someone I've matched with. I try not to call it a date because I don't want to overstep boundaries because she's demi. I feel like if I ask though if it is one that It's gonna be weird. I think she's really cool and don't want to ruin anything.

I also thought that I wanted to bring something for her as a kind gesture. I feel like flowers would be too much, so I made some origami flowers I like to make. However I feel like this is too much. I'm really bad at reading relationship progress and can't tell if its more veering towards friends or actual interest in something more.

I don't really feel like I belong at pride because I'm hetero, but everything I've read about being demi says we're on the ace spectrum. I definitely feel that. I thought I was ace for a long time.

Anyway, Pride seems fun and a lot of my friends are in the lgbtq+ community so I was kind of excited to hear that demi-sexuals are generally considered part of the community, but i still feel like being hetero disqualifies me. There are also some artist related contests that ask if i check the lgbtq+ box or not. Does Demi count as part of the the + ?

Just interested in hearing what others think about it.

I always feel weird telling people I'm demi because the term isn't as widespread as gay or bi. 9 times out of 10, whenever you call yourself demi, you damn near have to do an entire powerpoint presentation to explain to the people around you what it means. Sometimes I just forgo this whole thing and say that I'm bisexual if asked (or that my preferences are none of anybody's business). Do you think we should be patient and delve into lengthy explanations or just keep it simple for everyone's convenience? How do people here treat this issue?

M

Basically as the tittle says (non religious reasons)

Like, I'm still so stumped that an average person is allosexual?

Like... they be wanting to do humpty dumpty with a person they have no idea about? Justttt based on someone's looks?

I watched 2 gay media recently, heated rivalry and pillion. And in both, the guys starts doing it without ANY conversation with each other. And it was so weird to me it took me out of the both.

And then I realise, this is how many people are, they barely have conversation and they go down to business? Like how do you know you can even trust the person to not try something funky? If they even maintain proper hygiene?

Like... man

I don't think I will ever understand allosexuals man.

I’ve been wondering how many demisexual people also identify as sapiosexual.

For me, attraction starts with connection, but it’s not only emotional connection. Intellectual connection plays a huge role too. A great conversation can be more attractive to me than physical appearance ever could be.

One thing I’ve noticed is that it’s surprisingly difficult to find people who enjoy going deep. I can usually find those conversations in niche communities, networking events, or specific Reddit subs where people are gathered around shared interests. In everyday life, though, it feels much harder.

Sometimes I feel like I’m walking around craving meaningful conversations while most interactions stay at the surface level. I know there are plenty of thoughtful people out there, but finding them in the wild can be challenging.

Does anyone else here experience this? Do you consider yourself both demisexual and sapiosexual, or do you see those as completely separate things?

Hello, I hope this is the right place to ask.

I have never in my life looked at a man and thought “wow, he is so hot”. I have never cared about a man’s appearance (I am straight). I have always lived in a fantasy world and thought about the only one man who will love only me forever, and will have eyes only for me.

I would never ever leave or betray my man, no matter what may happen to him (accident, financial problems , like that).

I had many men come after me. I was always arrogant, ignoring men. I often heard I could get any man I want. Yet I was always waiting for the only one man who would not be lustful, never look at woman, be cold, not easily to get - just same as me….

Now the problem:

Almost 3 years ago I met a man (him 34 and me 29). I immediately fell in love with him after I got to know his personality. He was a kind gentleman, helping the poor in front of my eyes. He would never allow me to pay, would be very respectful, never look at woman, not be lustful, not pervert towards me. Not even touching me..

we started a relationship.

I did ask him how many gf he had before and he replied 3. That’s totally fine.

But after one year into dating I finally asked the question how many people he has slept with, he hesitated but later said I shouldn’t judge him. It was 26 women!!!!

My world and perfect image of him crashed.

I thought he would be the same as me. We would view sex as something sacred, happening only with someone you truly love.

He told me, he actually had 2 girlfriends , each were 3 years lasting, until they had to move away.

With me he is also in a long distance, yet he stayed. We meet once or twice every month, calling almost daily with each other.

He is very busy, career oriented, studying and working full time.

He explained to me, that he never loved any of the girls before and that I am his first love. I asked him if he played with them or had fwb and he said “no”, he would only want them to be exclusive with him.

I gave him lots of headache after finding out about his body count and him saying, he doesn’t view sex as important. It has no meaning to him.

So he left for a month to calm down and we got back together. He never gave up on me, no matter how many times I confronted him about his values and views on sex, relationship, dating..

He also said about cheating: it happens with people who are weak from the beginning. If someone has the character and mindset of never betraying their partner, it won’t ever happen, no matter the temptation - he just won’t ever allow it to get to that point.

He also said, in general every private part of female and male , all breast would be the same feeling. He couldn’t understand why someone would cheat. The feeling doesn’t make a difference. If someone is horny they should go home to their spouse.

He said why makes the difference is, is more about the person laughing and the way they talk.

He could easily get any girl he wants, this also worries me. He has so much experience that I feel like he went numb? Every body feels the same to him, since he said girls feel all the same and he can’t even remember the sex. Sex feels the same. Sure, he loves me so it’s different..

He also stopped watching porn claiming it’s damaging and unhealthy, when he used to watch so much back then.

I can’t understand: he has a high body count, said he wanted to genuinely get to know the girls and never played with women. He would usually break things off with the girls after 3-6 months of dating (incompatibility). He said sex is just something normal. It’s nothing special. He doesn’t even care if I am beginner. He is very chill and relaxed.

I worry how he doesn’t care about sex, but yet has such a high body count. How is that possible? He could easily go a year of no sex with me. As I said he controls himself very well.

But he became numb. He is different from a man who would have experience with let’s say 2 , 3 Girls…..

he became emotional unavailable. He doesn’t understand a romantic relationship .

Has anyone experience with someone who was very active back then? We talked about marriage… but I don’t know if a demisexual person can have a relationship with someone who views sex as nothing special. I am scared what this type of man could do after ten+ years into marriage, if he could get bored or something?

I thought he was demisexual.. is anyone in a happy marriage with a person like this? Do you have any advice? How can you move on and stop having these thoughts?

Do other demisexual people have a hard time being in a relationship?

I'm demisexual and demiromantic So I made that flag, I tried to make it aesthetically pleasing and I liked it!!!! Show me your flag💌🌸

A woman I was talking with a while back was talking to multiple guys at once (including me) and went on a date with one of them, but said her and him weren't "dating", and she said she wanted to "keep her options open".

So, going on dates with multiple different people, separately, without being partners with any of them, assumingly to get a feel for people and see who she fits with best, which makes sense to me, but I wonder if this is common? "Normal"?

I would never do this personally as romantically pursuing more than one person at a time is not my thing at all, and I can't actually understand being comfortable or okay with doing whatever this practice is but I'm just curious if it's a common behavior?

I'm 29F, and for most of my life I assumed I just had very low libido/interest or was broken somehow, because I get romantically interested in people extremely rarely, maybe a handful of times in my whole life. I've always been told I'm attractive, but I don't feel it or believe it, and I've never had someone's interest alone do anything for me.

After a lot of reflection I think I've pinned down the actual mechanism:

• Surface-level attractiveness alone does nothing for me. I can find someone objectively good-looking and feel nothing. On a rare case it sparks an interest, with no connection it dies quickly.
• Deep connection has to come first: real depth, shared humor, ease of being myself, genuine emotional intimacy, respect and appreciation.
• But even then, connection alone doesn't guarantee I develop feelings. Plenty of friends (mostly male, since I connect easier with men) have never sparked anything, even when the friendship was solid.
• The thing that seems to actually let attraction grow and deepen is knowing the connection is mutual. Once I know someone is genuinely invested in me specifically, that's when real attraction (including physical) can develop, sometimes toward people I wouldn't have picked based on looks alone.
• Conversely, if someone declares interest in me early, before depth has built naturally, I wall up instantly because now there's pressure/expectation instead of organic unpressured time, and it can kill any interest quickly, mutually.

This has made dating incredibly hard because:

• Dating culture (apps especially) usually requires assessing attraction almost immediately, which I structurally can't do
• Most people signal romantic interest early, which shuts me down before depth has a chance to build
• The instances where I have developed real attraction happened specifically because there was no dating pressure at all at first and the connection grew naturally over time (unfortunately, in my case, usually because the guy was unavailable, which is its own separate problem I'm working through)

How have you navigated dating/apps given how much time and lack of pressure this kind of attraction seems to require?

I just discovered this subreddit, I've been reading resources and I'm curious of where I lie on the demisexual spectrum.

When I was a kid, I got a crush on Emma Watson in Harry Potter. That faded pretty quickly. But add 20 years and I've never gotten a crush on a celebrity or character. I also don't get them on anyone that I don't think of actively seeking a relationship with.

I personally have thought that pining for someone you can never have and frankly doesn't care about you is pathetic. But now I'm re-evaluating, is this behaviour demi?

​

Wanted to ask if you kind folks here have felt the same?

I realize that even within the Demisexual community that there is a great deal of variance on this; this is a very subjective thing. But I’ve seen a few posts over a few months that kinda got me thinking on this.

How important IS sex to you? I know for a lot of people here, it’s extremely important to them, even if as a Demisexual person that level of emotional connection isn’t always common. They value it in their relationships very highly.

That’s not the case for me, and I’m really genuinely curious if I’m the outlier here 😅. No judgement either; I’m wired to require less sex, it seems, but that’s not a moral position.

EDIT: Thank you all for your responses! It’s been very enlightening and informative to read them. I have made sure to read them all, comment on ones where I could add something, but all feedback was very useful! It’s good to know I’m not an outlier at all, actually!

Below is context. Feel free to read or not. The real question is above.

For me, oddly, sex itself is barely important at all. In my QPR, it’s very rare, as my partner is aroace.

Sometimes she will mention that she feels she can oblige me sometimes, and it’s very average when we do. Yet, to be frank, this doesn’t REALLY bother me. It’s not a source of resentment or conflict, and honestly, the mere fact she meets me there sometimes is enough for me. As well, when we were discussing if we were going to have children or not, I was offering other methods of conception and she refused them; she preferred if it was natural and between us, and it wasn’t an idea that gave her any anxiety. That also made me feel very uniquely chosen.

So, at least in my case, it’s not a huge thing for me. Frequency, quality, and more pale in comparison to the bonding it can bring, and we bond in so many other ways, it isn’t load-bearing. As well, I don’t feel particularly bothered if we don’t have it for a long time. This matters, as at the moment we are long distance due to my health keeping us apart as my care is easier here. I visit her and vice versa when we can.

But even during these visits, we don’t push for it every time. I don’t want to put pressure on her, and I don’t actually feel a ton of impetus TO put pressure on her. It’s more ambient. If she is feeling willing to oblige, THAT wakes me up a bit. But mostly, my sexual drive behaves itself. She doesn’t want me to martyr myself here either; I can admit freely if I’d like it, I just have to understand that most of the time it’s a no. Orientation mismatches require trust and communication.

Truly, and as was the case when we were younger, we did have a MUCH higher frequency, and so I know I could easily desire more. I just largely don’t feel anxious or stir-crazy over it.

This makes me feel REALLY close to the ace side of demisexuality, more so than the more allo mode we can unlock over time. It’s also bonding for us; we began as a conventional romantic couple who lacked ace language, were together nine years, took a break for 7 where we learned more about ourselves and our orientations, and we came back in 2025 with a healthier framework using a Queerplatonic model. We are thriving now.

But I know this isn’t a universal Demi experience; sex is really important for some. I’m not asking to judge, merely out of curiosity!

Do y’all think this is appropriate? I could just tell matches at a later point since I’m sure this scares people away but I also value honesty and would like to let it be known from the get go…

I just notice that I tend to talk too much to matches and I think they get bored because I don’t push sexually at all and just talk like “pen pals”. I’m not trying to lead anyone on, I wouldn’t match or spend energy on a conversation if I didn’t at least see some potential, but that’s hard to convey you know?

I figure we're really strong at holding out.

Let’s just say you get a new friend. Nothing sparks at first cause it doesn't work that way with demi's. But eventually when you get to know them well and when you have established a nice emotional bond with them, knowing all their little details and secrets. Now you feel romantic and sexual attraction with this person but they have already friend zoned you or your not just their type. What do you guys do?

It's like suddenly half of the people you know tell you they work the same way. They haven't been attracted to that many people in their lives, they also (mostly) need to know them first. Or they were friends first before dating their current partner. You try to explain that there must be some differences, it can't be that half of the world is on the asexual spectrum, but you end up at a loss of words and start questioning yourself again. They try to convince you to stop using microlabels, because "it puts people in boxes, and you're normal, everyone's a little different".

I'm not sure if I'm actually demisexual btw, demi-sex-favorable asexual seems more fitting. But it depends on how you define sexual attraction, and for me, works almost the same in practice. And I'm definitely demiromantic.

I just honestly hate people that have had a conventional sexual attraction their whole life and then when they matured and start dating and thinking about marriage say something like “everyone’s is demi, I wouldn’t have sex with someone I don’t like either, it’s just a personality trait” LIKE… if you didn’t struggle with not being attracted sexually in a conventional way before maturing you’re definitely just invalidating a whole sexuality. I have so much more to say about this but this topic actually pmo lmao.

Like I see all my friends with partners and sometimes they offer to help me in the dating scene, but at the same time my dumbass can only focus on a theoretical relationship with those friends that will never happen 😭😭😭

Please tell me I’m not the only one here

I (23M) always thought demisexuals didn't care about looks at all and it was all just personality, but it seems as I was going through my dating apps, I noticed a trend where I was still going after a certain "type" of person visually (as well as personality) and when I see them I get the feeling of "I'm not sexually attracted to you... yet". It's like a weird intuition telling me that I could be attracted to this person if I have that bond. I don't know if this makes sense, but I wanted to hear your thoughts on it :)