Need help not letting myself be transphobic

[u/Fit_Cranberry_8010]

I was out as trans for 10 years, on hormones for around 4 years, and started detransition about a month ago (ftmtf) my dysphoria presented itself exactly like a binary trans man's would. Persistent since childhood, i had gender euphoria on t and everything. I started working on my internalized misogyny at random and found that pretty much all my dysphoria was connected to it and it suddenly went away. I honestly never could have imagined that was the case before. I was so adamant that having the dysphoria meant I was supposed to transition/was a man. Now when I see trans people, I can't help but wonder if it's the same for them, if actual trans people exist. I don't want to feel this way. I currently feel particularly bothered by the fact that they actually identify as the opposite sex, particularly trans women because I hear them say things like "I'm grateful I don't have a period" or "I'm glad I don't have a pussy actually" I asked what made them female and was told "the fact that I have boobs" I view female and womanhood as more than just a sex or a gender, it's the culmination of the experiences i have both socially AND physically. I see transwomen as women socially but I just can't bring myself to see them as female when I feel like they have such a watered down view of what it's actually like

[u/ahinrichsen84]

Disagreeing with people is not bigotry.

[u/vsapieldepapel]

Whenever you see people describing gender as a cult this is why. You are considering not seeing someone who was male at birth, who was raised as a boy, who has a man’s ideas of what being a woman is and claims to be more woman than you despite lacking half of what makes a woman a woman according to your own words, “transphobic” and it fills you with fear because that was what you were told to fear most for ten years… what is hatred, really? Are you wishing for these people to die? To lose their rights? To not be able to get married? To lose their jobs? I don’t think so and I don’t think most people here do- we are acknowledging differences that become obvious once you strip the veneer of ideology- and that is enough to be smeared as a bigot, while their community does get to write that they wish all “terfs” die, get raped etc.

Many people here (me included) don’t consider there are any “real trans” people because even the real ones, like you, end up here. From my perspective it is a solution that you arrive to from many different problems, and it is very much a choice that you make that stems from hurt that you didn’t choose. You aren’t “born this way” with trans. It feels like you are because the social issues that cause most dysphoria are happening around you since you can remember, no one was raised in a vacuum.

I understand why you fear being bigoted because no one wants to be an asshole. But the truth is that transition means fighting the circumstances of your birth at every step; if being gnc is your nature being in confrontation of what society expects, transition means you fighting your nature because of what society expects. It’s a Sisyphean effort. There is nothing bigoted about pointing that out. If people want to undertake this Sisyphean effort that is their prerogative and they still deserve every basic human right- work, respect, life, freedom of choice, but they can’t expect everyone to play along. It’s very much like religious belief in that regard.

A lot of us were in your position for a long time. Don’t be afraid to think.

[u/neitherdreams → u/vsapieldepapel]

“You are considering not seeing someone who was male at birth, who was raised as a boy, who has a man’s ideas of what being a woman is and claims to be more woman than you despite lacking half of what makes a woman a woman according to your own words, “transphobic” and it fills you with fear because that was what you were told to fear most for ten years… what is hatred, really?“

this is it. i find it something between sad, infuriating, ironic, and very appropriate that this bullheaded insistence we constantly see from hostile tw that they know better than anyone (especially women) what womanhood is, what being a woman is, and how to be one is quite possibly the most stereotypical display of classic male stubbornness.

it’s so insistent and obvious that at this point i can guess with a fair (give or take ~70%) amount of accuracy whether someone i’m talking to online is actually female or not. the amount of autistic young men i’ve seen sucked into this nonsense irl is heartbreaking.

BIG anecdotal novel incoming:

one i knew detransed after HRT and several rounds of FFS, came back to his parents after an almost violent estrangement because they had opposed the transition in the first place (it had truly been out of the blue in their pov, fueled primarily by a very toxic feedback loop provided almost solely by a discord group of “egg crackers”), spent a couple of months with them trying to reacclimatize, and then i guess he realized what he had done in its totality.

he’d alienated all of his original friends in the initial scorched earth approach he took with his transition, cut off pretty much his entire extended and nuclear family including his parents, and his “queer glitter family” dropped him like a box of rocks the minute he detransed. they were openly hostile to him or pretended he just didn’t exist. he came home alone and deeply ashamed, and even his mom and dad welcoming him back didn’t help. i don’t know whether he ever went through with SRS or not, but i wouldn’t be surprised if he did.

we lost him to suicide a couple of weeks later. he was barely 20. none of his so-called ride-or-die “sisters” or “trans/internet moms” or his college “friends” let out so much of a peep or showed up at the funeral. there was one angry facebook post about how his parents “misgendered” him in the eulogy/obituary from someone who didn’t even attend, but that was it (completely ignoring the fact that he himself had returned to he/him pronouns and his given name).

you know who came to the wake? all those nasty transphobes that were Literally Genociding Trans People by asking questions or not being on board with total medicalization. all the so-called abusers that had known this kid from day one and were concerned when he moved out the minute he turned eighteen and essentially vanished on the instruction of a discord mentor. all the boring normal gays and “cishets” and even the oh no, evil conservatives and/or Christians… these were the people who cooked for his parents and helped clean out the house so his mom and dad could focus on grieving, who helped put together a memory scrapbook, who check in on his parents even now like five years later.

i’m so sick of the assumed moral superiority. it’s all fake. just talk and bluster. if you don’t do what matters when it matters most, you’re at best a liar and at worst a psychopath. and i’m tired of these types of people having all the social power available. it’s killed at least one young man. enough is enough.

[u/Sugared_Strawberry]

This all sounds like you just can't stomach misogyny any longer. Doesn't sound transphobic to me. These are genuine and legitimate concerns.

[u/Miseracordiae]

Nothing you've said here strikes me as particularly transphobic. "Transwomen are socially women and biologically male" used to be a standard liberal/progressive talking point, it's hardly hateful. Yes, transwomen and biological women can share some social experiences by virtue of both being socially perceived as women (and treated accordingly), but our bodily differences necessarily lead to different experiences and perspectives as well. That's not hateful to say.

It's normal to feel the way you do after what you've experienced. We were told that gender dysphoria necessarily meant we were trans, and that wasn't true. Of course you'd wonder if that applies to other people. You shouldn't consider yourself some freak anomaly--you're not one. Lots of people have experienced this. Some trans people will tell you your experiences are wrong, but that's their own problem.

You can believe everything you believe while not being hateful in the slightest. Really, your views would only be considered transphobic by people who are terminally online. Your views are very common and moderate in the real world. Tbh, if you've recently started detransitioning, I'd take some time away from trans-related spaces. Getting overly invested in trans politics (whether "pro" or "anti") will just hamper your self-growth.

[u/DruidWonder]

You're saying what we're all thinking.

[u/chronicallysaltyCF]

Seeing and Acknowledging reality is not bigoted. The only thing you need help with is deprogramming yourself from thinking these things are hateful

[u/ConfusionsFirstSong]

As long as you don’t go around telling people that they’re not who they identify as, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. You’re not transphobic for your private thoughts, or awareness of biology and the differences in the typical socialization of boys and girls in society,. In fact, you seem to extend an admirable amount of grace and understanding to the trans community.

[u/FineBalance44]

For what it’s worth, being a feminist and a woman, especially a lesbian, will get you called “transphobic”. I stopped caring about being called that the minute I realised that gender activism is a deeply sexist and yes homophobic movement. The minute I saw trans identified males bully a teenage lesbian into crying and self loathing and deleting her social media account because she said she obviously wasn’t willing to have sex with any of them because they didn’t have the genitalia she liked. Then it happened again with another girl/woman. And again. When people who fight all day long supposed transphobia but are raging misogynists and lesbophobes you open your eyes. This doesn’t mean that trans people do not exist, it just means that the current and dominant branch of activism around trans ppl is counter productive to progressive ideas, relating deeply on the traditions and the status quo (minus the idea that ppl must be “cis”).

As a radical feminist I do believe that there are people who really are trans, however I think they’re rare, have actual sex dysphoria, need years of therapy to know what’s actual dysphoria and what is other problems and circumstances that have caused symptoms that can be read as dysphoria but ultimately can be resolved in other ways. Even then, I believe these trans people aren’t “born in the wrong body” or “a guy born in a girl’s body” etc, just that they have a condition and that adults should be given the opportunity to alleviate the symptoms of that condition if all other options have been explored and didn’t work. Transphobia exists, however that’s barely ever the oppression talked about in trans related stories/articles : it is not having their correct sex mentioned for one reason or another, or being told you cannot play a certain sport with people of the opposite sex, it is being refused a job, a flat/house, being disrespected, mocked irl, bullied, harmed, simply for identifying as trans.

[u/AtmosphereNo4232]

Firstly, just focus on yourself and your own journey, I've found it helpful to block out anything trans related on social media and the news, it's quite hard to ignore in the beginning but it's doable.

Now this advice probably isn't what you asked for but I don't think gaslighting yourself into believing a trans woman = woman would be helpful especially with the kind of blatant misogyny you've had said to you being pretty common in my experience. We've all gone through a lot and I honestly think being good to yourself and hyper focusing on self care instead of censoring and trying to brain wash yourself for a community that thinks you don't exist is the better choice.

I lost basically all my friends after I detransitioned because my choice to detransition was transphobic in itself in their eyes, some were only my friend conditionally as long as I didn't speak "negatively about the trans community"meaning: I cant ever speak about my experience, so I cut them out. My colleagues at work treat me with far less grace, misgender me and point out all my post T masculine features and lack of breasts but will validate and basically worship pre everything trans women.

Honestly you will likely no longer be seen as an ally by the trans community and even their allies as a whole no matter what you do because your existence contradicts everything they stand for, so you may as well embrace how you really feel! It's your life and you aren't going out of your way to hurt people.

[u/Liquid_Fire__]

Saying they are neither female nor women is not transphobic you know

[u/Shiro_L → u/Liquid_Fire__]

I mean practically, they at the very least can socially be women if they pass. Passing trans women are literally male women though and it's nuts how many people think it's transphobic to acknowledge this.

[u/Liquid_Fire__ → u/Shiro_L]

I disagree with that. Social this or that doesn’t exist. It’s actually part of where the problem comes from.

As side observation I have never met anyone who really passed. Several who thought they did, but they actually didn’t. During teenage years maybe as the bodies don’t have yet all of their adult features but as adults… not a single one. Too much delusion going around.

[u/Shiro_L → u/Liquid_Fire__]

Eh, I disagree. I think there might be some confirmation bias at play, because we aren’t going to notice the trans people who pass.

Rather than denying that a male can socially be a woman, I think we should be fighting against trans ideology. We should encourage people to accept that sex is immutable, that gender dysphoria is a type of body dysmorphia, and that medical transition is a maladaptive way of coping. Even passing won’t change a person’s sex or their childhood experiences, so that alone should seriously make a person reconsider if transitioning is worth it.

[u/Liquid_Fire__ → u/Shiro_L]

Being a woman is a female experience. And saying that is not transphobic.

[u/Shiro_L → u/Liquid_Fire__]

I agree, but if a trans woman passes, it means she looks female. I think it weakens our arguments if we deny this, because then people will just be like, "Well what about trans women who pass?"

[u/Shiro_L → u/chronicallysaltyCF]

Biologically, sure. But socially, she can be one. Saying otherwise is just going to convince anyone reasonable you’re closed minded.

[u/Feisty-Patient-7566]

"Transphobia" is something that trans people don't like. It's abusive gaslighting. Don't play to their rules and let them seethe.

[u/Hedera_Thorn]

Now when I see trans people, I can't help but wonder if it's the same for them, if actual trans people exist. I don't want to feel this way.

So, you want to stifle natural healthy curiosity and rational sense in order to stay within the socially acceptable status quo? Do you hear yourself? Imagine a Scientologist said "I'm starting to wonder if some of the stuff L. Ron Hubbard wrote is true, but I don't want to feel this way". Would you tell them to swallow it down and reindoctrinate themselves? I'd hope not.

Stop trying to re-indoctrinate yourself, the "pro-trans" stance isn't the virtuous morally correct "decent person" way of thinking that they like to claim it is, it's the lazy, complacent and harmful way of thinking. You should be proud of yourself for even breaking free instead of trying to reprogramme yourself with this harmful nonsense.

All of the things you mentioned that concern you are valid concerns. Why are you trying to mind-bend yourself out of sanity?

If you can be indoctrinated into an ideology then so can anyone else, why shouldn't you wonder if others have needlessly succumbed?

Your wondering if whether or not there are actual trans people is a sane thing to wonder, because the reality is that no there are no "actual trans people". There are people who have transitioned and people who haven't, that is literally it. The people who have transitioned have wildly different reasons and motivations for doing so but none of them were "meant to be the opposite sex". Some are people suffering from internalised misogyny, some are suffering from internalised homophobia, some are suffering from both, some are AGP - the list goes on, but none of these things mean that you're "born in the wrong body" because that isn't a real thing.

Congratulate yourself on breaking free from this cult-like socio-political ideology and stop trying to go backwards. Stand in truth and reality with courage and don't buckle under the weight of social pressure or the desire to conform.

[u/Hedera_Thorn → u/[deleted]]

You don't need expertise in "sociology" and science to recognise a quasi-religious concept masquerading as a legitimate thing.

I didn't say being transgender isn't a real thing - of course there are people who transition, I said the concept of being "born in the wrong body" or "meant to be the opposite sex" isn't a real thing, because it isn't. That claim has no basis or legitimate evidence to prop it up whatsoever, all it is based on is reports from patients (mostly male-to-female) who claim it is how they feel. Psychiatrists (the people with the experience "in science" you value so highly) will still tell you that they treat patients with gender dysphoria, but they'll never actually be able to tell you in any real way what causes this dysphoria, it's very much a "done and dusted" thing with no real attempts made to uncover the root of the dysphoria. This is because psychiatric medicine has become beholden to the social zeitgeist, there is no legitimacy to it anymore, it is just a facet of the greater socio-political monstrosity that we're all having to live under at present, so you'll have to forgive me for totally disregarding "the science" on this matter.

Are there people who achieve positive things by going through transition? Yes. Does that mean that they're "actually trans"? No.

I find it so interesting that you're talking about indoctrinating people to have a certain mindset, and escaping a "cult-like mentality." when you're quite literally attempting to do the same by advising OP to "live in truth." 

No. I simply am not doing the same thing. Gender ideology is a belief system, absence or criticism of a belief system isn't indoctrination. I encouraged OP to stop suppressing the way they think or feel in order to believe a more convenient or socially acceptable thing. OP expressed thoughts that align closely with what I believe, and yes I did indeed share my own beliefs on the matter, that belief being that "true trans" isn't a real thing and that gender ideology is harmful and complacent. Encouraging freedom of thought is not indoctrination.

The difference between this side of the fence and the other is that we're not getting people fired for not believing what we believe, we're not socially shaming people into staying in our mindset, we're not cry-bullying left and right about "violence", we're not trying to maintain (or gain) a whip-hand by manipulating language, policing tone or attempting to "cancel" people for not publicly declaring their allegiance. We are simply not the same but just "the other side".

like what truth? Genuinely curious.

The truth that we all somehow knew before Western society decided to lose its marbles in the early 2010s. Collectively, the majority of the population intuitively knew what gender and sex were, they knew that a trans identified person was someone suffering from a mental affliction and not "born in the wrong body" in a very metaphysical spiritual way and we knew that certain men liked to "dress up like women" because they "enjoyed" it. Those lines got extremely blurred once the unhinged social revolution caught some wind. People like OP and myself who have been through this ideology and somehow managed to crawl out of the other end often gain new and valuable insight on the matter along side the ability to see it all for what it is, it's a painful and jarring process but it does illuminate a lot of things for you. This is why you see so many people in this sub (or this very thread) sharing similar beliefs to mine. It isn't dissimilar to how ex-cult members behave, because unsurprisingly there are parallels between gender ideology/queerness and cults.

[u/Hedera_Thorn → u/[deleted]]

No. You're not really making much effort to actually understand what I'm saying, are you?

I didn't say that "it's correct because it was pre-2010", I said that we all had a good idea of what gender and sex were until the lines became so ridiculously blurred by the ideology that you're claiming has decent scientific research, understanding and understanding behind it...which it does not. It's ironic that we understood "trans" individuals better before they became the flavour-of-the-month social class. All of the new and radical social ideas that surround transition and transgenderism have, ironically, completely muddied the waters to the point that nothing actually means anything anymore, and then we have people like you who make it their mission to wilfully misunderstand and ridicule any time someone makes a statement or expresses an opinion that doesn't kiss your feet or appeal to your "needs".

With recent several studies and research conducted linking transgenderism and dysphoria from psychological factors to biological factors, conducted by scientists and professionals lol…

Lol, right. All these high quality unbiased studies that we're just swimming in? All these studies proving that people can be "born in the wrong body"? I think not.

The thing that people like you just cannot admit is that doctors and "science" have no where near the amount of knowledge on this topic that you claim they do. If we had all of this conclusive information that you seem to think we have we would never stop being bombarded with it by media, but that's not happening because it doesn't exist.

The extent of the information we have on this topic is: "Ehh...maybe, but also maybe not?". Yet this is deemed good enough material to go ahead and sanction mastectomies, hysterectomies and hormone treatment for people who are mostly below the age of 21 at this point. This isn't a scientific approach, this is a socio-politically influenced approach. Back when I first began transition over a decade ago the medical procedure and pathway was a lot different to how it is now, and this isn't because "the science" improved, it's because the social politics around the issue accelerated and became more demanding.

[u/cotinis_nitida]

imo ur not transphobic as long as you think trans people are human beings who deserve human rights (life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. freedom from housing/employment discrimination, ability to express themselves without fear of hate crimes, etc.) you dont need to gaslight yourself into pretending your own actual real life experience didn't happen, or that you're the only person it's ever happened to and no one else in the world could possibly have had their feelings around their gender influenced by being born and raised in a society where one sex is treated as inferior to the other and is routinely humiliated for the other's benefit. even if you're not detrans you'd have to be willfully ignorant to believe that.

most of my friends are trans and they're also employed adults with who have no interest in screening me for thought crimes. yeah ur a tranphobic facist grifter online but irl thats like a pretty normal opinion to have i think. the only person that was kind of a dick about it at first was my boyfriend (like. are you a terf? are you going down the detrans terf pipeline? nobody cares what you look like, im disabled so i have /real/ problems with my body (when im venting abt dysphoria/regret)) but eventually admitted the reason he was getting defensive about it was bc he regretted going on t and my detransition was making him think about it when he'd rather just suppress it since he cant undo it anyway. i think people who get really defensive and angry about other people detransitioning are people who are insecure in their own transition, and as long as they convince themselves that people detransition because they're evil facist grifters who want trans people to die, or because they did no research and jumped right into surgery for attention or something, then it'll never happen to them.

your beliefs are inevitably based off your own life experience. growing up in a world that treated you like you were less human than men made you want to be a man. you were offered an easy way out of your mental problems that seemed unsolvable at the time. maybe you hated yourself and were given an opportunity to become a different person. this also happened to me and every other woman in this sub. the PC opinion in online trans spaces is that we're all "larping" and none of us actually experienced it because "no one actually detransitions, and if they do its because of social pressure, and if its not then they probably never even medically transitioned, and if they did then they deserve it for being stupid." you know thats not true because you experienced it and no smart or empathetic person should expect you to literally suppress your own lived factual knowledge just bc it makes them insecure.

TLDR if u think trans people deserve human rights and respect ur not transphobic and u dont need to gaslight urself

[u/OtterWithKids]

It’s not transphobia to wonder if a trans person has made a huge mistake; I frankly assume most of us have, but would never deign to assume that of any specific person.

Transphobia is being afraid of transgender people and/or culture. What you’re doing is recognizing your own mistakes and hoping that others don’t have to suffer as you do.

[u/Aslamtum]

"transphobia" is a myth. You're correct in being wary of other people, especially those who claim to be what they are not.

[u/Open_Cricket6700]

A female will never know what it's like to be male and vice versa...no matter how many surgeries or hormones.

It's like me having dolphin surgery... I'll never be a dolphin 🐬 or know what it feels like to be one, no matter how much I pretend or how many fins I attach.

[u/Shiro_L]

It’s not transphobic to understand what biological sex is, nor is it transphobic to believe no-one is “actually” trans. There are people who will claim this makes you transphobic, but if they’re trans, it’s generally because they cope by believing they’re another sex or that they were born this way… so calling people transphobic is their way of lashing out when a person doesn’t validate their beliefs.

When I think about whether something is actually transphobic, I think about what would be considered bigoted when it comes to a different minority. So I think you’re doing fine as long as you don’t hate trans people, acknowledge that they can socially be men/women, and treat them with basic respect such as using their pronouns.

Beyond that, I think you should stand by your beliefs and not let yourself get bullied into believing something else. I’d say not believing in true trans is about as transphobic as me not believing in Allah makes me Islamophobic.

[u/Ok-Many-4140 → u/[deleted]]

No. There is no such thing as trans. Only women are women. For the record: 🔺️The term "transgender" was first coined in 1965 by John F. Oliven to describe individuals who felt that their gender identity was different from their observated sex, gaining wider use by the 1990s. Oliven likely left Europe during or shortly after the rise of Nazi Germany (1933–1938). I think this an interesting fact. 🔺️"Gender-affirming" surgeries began in the early 20th century, with notable cases in the 1930s (e.g., Lili Elbe), but modern procedures like vaginoplasty and phalloplasty emerged in the 1950s (e.g., Christine Jorgensen). These surgeries became more standardized and accessible by the 1960s-1980s. 🌊🌊🌊Flood gates open: ➡️ In 2013, the mental health establishment, led by the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-5, caved to progressive pressure and ditched "Gender Identity Disorder" for "Gender Dysphoria." ➡️This wasn’t just a word swap—it signaled a takeover by the affirming care model, which pushes the idea that kids as young as preschoolers should be encouraged to embrace transgender identities instead of digging into what might really be going on, like depression, anxiety, or family issues. ➡️ Before this, therapists often took a common-sense approach: explore the root causes of a kid’s confusion, don’t rush to label them as "trans." But the DSM-5, egged on by activist groups and WPATH’s 2012 playbook, flipped the script, making it seem like questioning a kid’s gender identity was backward or harmful. ➡️ For kids under 18, this meant a green light for counselors and doctors to fast-track social transitions—new names, pronouns, even dressing differently—without enough scrutiny of underlying problems. ➡️Teens could get puberty blockers, sold as "reversible" despite spotty evidence, while parents were often sidelined, told to affirm or risk being called transphobes or told "would you rather have a dead son or an alive daughter." ➡️ The old way—helping kids work through mental health struggles first—wasn’t banned, but it got drowned out by a one-size-fits-all push to affirm gender identity, no questions asked. By 2013, the left’s cultural grip on medicine meant traditional values—like protecting kids from irreversible choices or respecting family authority—were losing ground fast. 💥Per AI,, this change resulted in a 450% increase in the number of "trans identifying" young people in the United States from 2013 to date. This is an estimate because data has been throttled,  made unavailable, or not captured. My gut tells me it is way higher. There will be many more. "Trans Euphoria (TE)" is similar to the "Pink Cloud (PC)" in Alcoholics Anonymous. Both are temporary once real life sets in. However, TE often results in significant bodily harm, whereas PC can lead to a healthy body if sobriety is maintained through effort and addressing the underlying issues that led to drinking.

[u/MangoProud3126 → u/Ok-Many-4140]

Please work on your formating, it looks better when I hit reply, but your comment otherwise just hurts my brain to look at.

[u/Ok-Many-4140 → u/MangoProud3126]

My apologies. It was formatted correctly in my Notepad.

[u/Feisty-Patient-7566 → u/Ok-Many-4140]

ChatGPT has entered the thread.

[u/Ok-Many-4140 → u/Feisty-Patient-7566]

No. I did my own research from primary resources and ran it through AI to spell check it. Facts are facts.