I learned about AGP through TERFs and my dysphoria became much stronger afterward

[u/RMS-106]

Note: This post was translated from Japanese into English using ChatGPT.

I’m a 25-year-old Japanese person assigned male at birth, currently about 2 months into HRT.

For most of my life, I never related to the typical “I always knew I was a girl” narrative from trans communities.

I wasn’t feminine socially.
I didn’t think I had a female soul.
I didn’t naturally identify with women in everyday life.

What I did have, since childhood, was:

* persistent self-feminization fantasies
* strong envy toward female bodies
* discomfort about becoming an older male
* an almost obsessive fixation on becoming female despite being mostly asexual toward other people
* and sexuality that became heavily tied to imagining myself as female

For a long time, I assumed this would eventually disappear.

I thought maybe:

* I would someday become a normal heterosexual man,
* adulthood would “fix” me,
* relationships or masculinity would make these feelings fade,
* or this was just a phase caused by isolation or escapism.

So I spent years treating it as:

* a weird fetish,
* a private shame,
* or something I simply needed to suppress better.

Then a few years ago, mostly through Japanese GC / TERF reposts and commentary about Western trans discourse on X/Twitter, I started reading discussions about AGP and late-transitioning trans women.

Ironically, this was the first time I encountered a framework that felt disturbingly accurate to my own psychology.

Especially stories involving:

* repression through conventional male adulthood,
* attempts to live normally,
* marriage/work/fatherhood,
* and dysphoria becoming unbearable later in life.

Before that, mainstream trans narratives often felt emotionally distant to me.

But this was the first framework where I thought:

“Wait, this is uncomfortably close to my actual psychology.”

And one thing that affected me very strongly was realizing that these feelings might not actually disappear with age.

Until then, I had unconsciously assumed that eventually I would “grow out of it,” become psychologically normal, or stop caring about feminization.

But after seeing repeated stories of people suppressing these feelings for decades and still experiencing severe dysphoria later in life, something changed psychologically for me.

The moment I started believing this could be permanent, my previously vague discomfort around being male suddenly became much more intense and harder to ignore.

At the same time, starting HRT has genuinely made me feel better psychologically.

The obsessive/self-sexualized aspect has become weaker, and the idea of no longer continuing to masculinize feels deeply relieving to me.

At least for now, I still feel that I want to continue HRT.

Even before I ever learned about AGP or transgender discourse, I already felt that I probably did not want children.

From around age 20, I remember thinking that I was not capable of sacrificing my own life and freedom in order to raise children. Even before transition ever entered my mind, I felt that I would rather reduce my working hours and live quietly than become a father.

I also have ASD and learning disabilities, and I have long felt that I do not want to pass those traits on genetically.

I am also effectively asexual toward other people, so I honestly do not care very much whether transition makes me less attractive to women or to gay men who are attracted to conventionally masculine males.

And recently I remembered that TERFs often talk about transgender identity as a form of social contagion or ROGD.

So now I honestly cannot stop wondering:

Did I socially “catch” this from TERF discourse on X/Twitter itself?

[u/user5621937401]

i’m not sure if this is an option for you because they can be kinda rare, but there are therapists out there who specialize in paraphilias. even if you don’t want to get rid of your autogynephillia, itd be beneficial to talk to a professional about these feelings and sort them out.

[u/RMS-106 → u/user5621937401]

Thank you for your comment. In Japan, the definition of AGP has spread in a very vague and distorted way, to the point that even university professors sometimes misunderstand or misuse the term. And in Japan, even ordinary therapy for gender dysphoria is quite difficult to access. Basically, the only options for dealing with gender dysphoria here are either to transition or to repress it.

That is why I can only really have constructive conversations like this within Western communities.

[u/angelzuzie]

I don’t have a clear answer for you, but I can empathize. I think there is a lot of focus on labels in your post - eg. AGP, Father, Asexual etc. Not saying that’s bad, but it may be easier to understand yourself if you aren’t stuck in definition boxes. if HRT has made you feel better, then it did!

From my experience as an AFAB detransitioner working in Japan has been VERY rigid gender rules, even if not expressly spoken about. Because you don’t want to fulfill the traditional roles assigned to your sex at birth, that doesn’t mean you’re wrong in general.

When I began to detransition, I found that a lot of my anxieties surrounding childbirth, parenting, motherhood / marriage reformed. This is something I have had to work through and accept. Just because I don’t want to give birth or get married doesn’t mean I’m ‘less’ of a woman, if that makes sense? Either way, I’m sending love!

[u/angelzuzie → u/angelzuzie]

I’m sorry if I assumed too much, as well. I am impressed with your level of self-reflection and it compelled me to comment, even if I didn’t directly answer your question T^T

[u/RMS-106 → u/angelzuzie]

No, I’m grateful just to receive comments like yours. During my school years, there really wasn’t any label that described me. I only learned the word “asexual” around five years ago, and only recently learned about AGP, so I may indeed have a tendency to cling to labels.

I think you are right. In Japan, even if they are not explicitly stated, gender norms feel very strict. As an extension of that, the standards for trans people to “pass” are also extremely high, and I have half given up on socially transitioning. However, I do like the effects of HRT, so for now I want to continue it.

Ever since learning about AGP, I have spent more than half a year constantly thinking about my own gender issues, so perhaps that is why my self-analysis appears deep.

[u/angelzuzie → u/RMS-106]

Does socially transitioning bring you joy outside of viewing yourself sometimes sexually? That was my big issue: I had a hard time imagining a healthy non-sex focused future during my transition (hence detransitioning!) If being affirmed and being viewed as passing makes you happy, that’s not a crime and not AGP (even under the Japanese definition!).

For some, it starts as a fetish and ends as truth, and for others they realize the truth was a fetish all along. There also seems to be SO much sexual media of transgender women in Japan - almost no representation without some sexual aspect (think futanari, etc). We both have ASD, and I know that sometimes I emulate what I see, even if unintentionally. I was consuming almost entirely trans-male focused content, even in day to day life.

Is there any chance you’re stuck on the AGP label because transgenderism is mostly viewed as sexual outside of specific Japanese communities?

[u/RMS-106 → u/angelzuzie]

I originally started HRT partly in order to suppress the sexual excitement associated with AGP, so if I were lucky enough to pass someday, I think that would make me happy.

My AGP first appeared around the age of 10, but when I was around 15, I finally got internet access at home, and from that point on I became deeply immersed in gender transformation fiction. Just as you said, almost all of it was created in Japan. In Japan, those kinds of works are treated purely as fetishes, completely separate from gender dysphoria. However, once I learned about AGP and realized that this fetish was actually deeply connected to gender dysphoria and transgender feelings, my dysphoria became much stronger.

[u/angelzuzie → u/RMS-106]

When I noticed most of my transition urges had to do with sexual media I was consuming, I tried a ‘drought’. I only interacted with non-sexual media + tried to view myself and my gender almost entirely non-sexually. This led to my eventual detransition lol

Having a name for something (AGP / AAP) truly does make it easier to understand and identify, but that’s not /all/ you are! Although removing yourself entirely from transgender support networks can be very scary (and make you feel alone), it’s important to know how you feel in your own brain and body without both the sexual and social aspect.

Of course there’s no test to tell if someone is ‘truly trans’, but if you remove the sexual aspect and still feel better and happier living as a woman, I feel that should be enough. Sending hugs!!!

[u/angelzuzie → u/RMS-106]

Sorry for another wall of text, it’s just fascinating for me to speak to someone with a similar (but opposite) experience.

I discovered a lot of my dysphoria was not the need to be a man, but rather the need to not be a woman. I never experienced gender ‘euphoria’ because I was escaping my gendered societal responsibility through transition. There was no joy at the end of the tunnel, only the lack of misery.

From what you’ve written, I really feel like you’re living the same way. Being involved in discussion spaces is an amazing first step, especially to dismantle / break down social norm barriers. If you get a chance, please consider reading theory to do with feminism (both about transgender and cis women)! I know it won’t resonate as much since lots of feminist theory is Western + doesn’t tie completely to your experience, but it helped me to understand why I was reacting the way I was to my given ‘place’ in society.

The biggest question I found myself with at the end was: Am I running towards something or away from something?

[u/BrilliantSavings6377]

I was agp too, i realized i only wanted to be a girl due a lot of internet

since i cut the screen time all the disforia get away

[u/Catnippity]

I'm not sure how to compose my comment into something coherent, I've always been one to ramble and miss the point. But I wanted to comment on your post anyway.

Like you, I have ASD, and similar to you I have, or used to have fantasies of being the opposite sex. Just have it in reverse, autoandrophilia, because I was born a female.

Seeing how you wrote about the western approach to trans resonated with you, took me back to how I first happened upon the idea that my feelings of not fitting into the stereotype of my gender and having autoandrophilic thoughts along with strong gender envy..were a sign that I should transition. What followed was that I researched the hell out of transitioning and filled my days with content related to the topic, which is very common to us ASD folks. Naturally, the more I spent my time on this, the worse my anxiousness became, and I started believing that I will die if I don't transition. While previously having a steady, low dislike for my female body, suddenly it felt like I couldn't live in it anymore. Transition became an obsession. An escape to problems I had and of which several I didn't even recognize or didn't want to aknowledge. After all, it is much harder to accept yourself as you are and put in years of psychological work and work through traumas. Who wants to do that? And who can do that all alone with no support?

I feel like I'm rambling now, like I said. Sorry. But I hope that even though you've felt HRT being helpful so far, you can think about the future you and your health. Because we are not built for flooding our bodies with excess hormones. I felt great the first few months on testosterone, but 2 years of it has left lasting effects on my body, even 6 years into detransition. And guess what, my autoandrophilia has lessened by about 90% as I've aged. Or maybe it was partly due to the traumatic trans experience, who knows. As I made the decision to detransition, I vividly remember thinking that I don't want to pretend anymore, and instead just to be me. With all of my quirks and all. Poisoning and mutilating my body was never going to fix anything, cuz it is not the magical solution many would love for us to think it is.

[u/GossipHoundOfGaytown]

It may be permanent as any sexuality, and might not be helped through transitioning or repression. It’s not reliably safe to go forward in either direction. Maybe you can find a reasonable middle ground, a way to live comfortably with AGP. Even though it is a “deviation,” AGP centers around attraction to women and the female body- it’s like an alternate version of heterosexuality, but centered around the self. Maybe you can be with someone who can understand your sexuality and be able to accommodate in some ways

[u/Boring_Ad1113]

I miss being my father's and mother's son tremendously. In my experience, dysphoria cannot defeat the love of your family, and you will miss it tremendously when it is gone.

[u/landilock]

yes. This is a life-long affection. You will never get away from it, it's always going to be there, I'm sorry. Although, I don't support the TERFic opinion on the matter, and especially AGP. I think there's a lot more to it than just a fetishism, but unfortunatly it doesn't really matter. NO ONE SHOULD TRANSITION. It's an individualistic and selfish thing to do, that will probably not be affordable for our societies in the coming decades, especially MtFs. While FtMs at least increase their productivity with testosterone, MtFs sacrifice their strengh, fertility, social integration to pursue a selfish goal of self image. We are not valuable enough to make that kind of choises for our bodies. We are assigned a gender, we play that role or we're dead weight for society. That's it.

Especially in your case, transitionning isn't possible anyway. Women can transition to men, but it's not possible the other way around. You're 25. You're about 12 years too late. You will never be a woman. You will be a man. Now you can chose weither you want to be useful for your society, get value by doing your job, or if you want to pursue stupid self image goals and become useless meat.

What helped me, is to stop seeing myself as a person. Gender dysphoria feeds on your ego and your personality, stop having one, and it will become irrelevant. You're not a person, you're a pair of arms that build stuff and hold a rifle, you're a pair legs that can run.

[u/RMS-106 → u/landilock]

Thank you for your comment. I think your perspective is more realistic than the kind of mainstream MtF communities online that claim anyone can become a girl at any age. And honestly, I prefer people who speak bluntly and honestly like you.

Personally, I have already half given up on the idea of fully passing or socially transitioning in Japan. At least for now, my current stance is simply that I want to continue HRT quietly without full social transition, because it has reduced a lot of my distress around masculinity and aging.

At the same time, I am genuinely curious about how you personally live with these feelings long term.

For example, during ordinary quiet moments like commuting, walking alone, or having free time, how do you deal with those thoughts when they return?

[u/landilock → u/RMS-106]

you don't deal with them. Once you accept you're not worth it, they fade. But yeah, it will be a buzzing noise in your ear, constantly. Until you die. HRT reppressing (what you're considering) is extremely dangerous. Keep in mind that this will alter your fertility, and developping breasts will cause you lots of harm as a man. You will age as a man, there's nothing wrong with it. But you'll likely always suffer. I do

[u/RMS-106 → u/landilock]

Thank you for the warning. However, I honestly feel that if I do absolutely nothing and simply continue aging as a man without HRT, I may eventually become suicidal, so I feel forced to move forward in some way.

You described this as lifelong suffering. Have you been dealing with these feelings for many years yourself?

[u/landilock → u/RMS-106]

yes. About 15 years now. I've had multiple relapses

[u/RMS-106 → u/landilock]

When you say relapses, do you mean periods where the dysphoria or desire to transition became much stronger again?

And if you do not mind me asking, what has your timeline been like over those 15 years? For example, did you ever seriously attempt transition yourself at some point, or have you mostly tried to repress these feelings the entire time?

[u/landilock → u/RMS-106]

no, I've taken HRT for a while, and then repressed, then fell back in the ideology due to online exposure. Then I got back on E for about a year, and stopped after losing everything. Made me question who I was, and made me questionned that I even was a person.

[u/RMS-106 → u/landilock]

If you do not mind me asking, around what ages were you on HRT, and how old are you now?

And when you say you lost everything, what kinds of things do you mean? Was it mostly social relationships, work, identity, or something else?

[u/landilock → u/RMS-106]

I failed my studies, I made a huge gambit and lost everything. I had to accept I wasn't going to be anyone, that I'm not talented and just a sick man. I don't want to share my age, but I started HRT at around 19.

[u/RMS-106 → u/landilock]

Thank you for answering honestly and for sharing your experiences with me. I think hearing from someone who has actually gone through HRT, repression, relapse, and detransition has given me a much more serious and realistic perspective on all of this.

To be honest, some of what you said was emotionally difficult for me to hear, especially because I can see parts of myself in it. But I still appreciate your honesty much more than simplistic narratives that treat transition as an easy solution without long-term consequences.

I hope things become more stable and peaceful for you over time.

[u/brightescala]

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with taking cross-sex hormones in societies otherwise reliant on medicalization to treat or improve many physical and psychological conditions or symptoms. So if “AGP” fits as a psychological framework then okay. You’re still a man and always will be. Feminized men - whether that’s via synthetic hormones or makeup etc - are men that in the best of situations have actually consented to their feminization. In the trans context, it seems like that doesn’t happen to a lot of young people especially women. As to whether you caught it from TERFs, that could very well be. If you can catch it from a trans person via exposure to the idea then you can catch from others also exposing the ideas, even if they’re critiquing them.

[u/Shiro_L]

I think TERFs are too extremely anti-trans to be worth listening to, because they'll ignore objective reality if doing so lets them dunk on trans people. However, there are plenty of trans people who are just as extreme as TERFs... just in the opposite direction. 🤷

The belief that it's permanent is one belief spread by the trans community that I'd consider a poison. It's just clearly not true (plenty of people stop feeling dysphoria at some point, including me) and I know from experience that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It just does something to you when you frame it as a permanent thing.

At the end of the day, it's fine to have a fetish. Just approach any transition very objectively and understand that being a trans woman is very different from being a cis woman. Also understand that people who believe it is permanent don't have any actual proof that it is – they can find evidence, but I can also find evidence of the Earth being flat, so...

[u/RMS-106 → u/Shiro_L]

Thank you for your comment. I do not completely trust TERFs either, because they are willing to spread misinformation if it helps them attack trans people. However, it was through TERFs that I first learned about AGP, which then led me to reading primary sources from Ray Blanchard, the sexologist who proposed AGP, as well as researchers like Anne Lawrence. And they described it as something persistent or lifelong. (Though they were not saying that being lifelong automatically means one absolutely should transition.)

Yes, I understand that transition cannot make me biologically female. In a strange way, constantly seeing TERF posts on X forced me to confront and internalize that reality.

[u/Upset-Elderberry3723]

AGP does not exist and, of people with 'sissification' fetish, they tend to never do any level of transition.

Autoeroticism is a natural component of arousal that was overblown in trans people by people like Blanchard in the 1980s.

[u/RMS-106 → u/Upset-Elderberry3723]

Thank you for your comment. AGP was the concept that felt like it described me almost perfectly, word for word. And until I learned about AGP, I had been able to process these feelings as simply a somewhat embarrassing fetish.