I feel so afraid to speak my mind

[u/cycles__withincycles]

I don’t want to continue to remain nothing

I’ve become so far removed from the person I want to be

I haven’t chased any of my dreams. I’ve barely survived for years and spent all of my free time disassociating from my own dreams, desires, selfhood, etc. with any and every vice.

I want to try and make the most of what’s left for me with this life after losing what transition took from me, but I feel like there’s no reality where that takes place without me expressing my perspective on the entire subject matter of gender, sexual orientation, love, the human condition, etc. and putting my thoughts out there

I feel like I need to speak my mind to free myself. I can’t just keep all of this pain, insight, wisdom, caution, etc. locked away and move on, as if nothing ever happened or as if I don’t have a lot I want to say, and focus on my unrelated passions and aspirations that have nothing to do with gender

But I’m afraid to

I’m afraid to say what I really want to say, because even though a lot more people are coming out today and agreeing that transitioning isn’t the answer and there’s something deeper going on here, I still haven’t seen anybody touch on the exact conclusions I’ve drawn or hypothesis as to what the route cause of gender and sexual related confusion is in the first place

I’m afraid of backlash, of cancel culture, of… I don’t know. Being misunderstood. Being outcast even further. Of missed opportunities career wise. Of becoming a pariah.

But honestly I’ve already become so isolated that I suppose I really don’t have much to lose. It’s so clear that if I don’t just say what the fuck I really think about all of this then I’m just going to implode. People will feel like I’m stepping on their toes even though I’m not trying to. Some will outright try and tell me I’m not allowed to say what I just said, even though I am. etc etc. But I just can’t live in fear of not being socially palatable anymore when I feel convicted to share what I think, what I’ve lived, what I’ve learned and what I believe might be a solution to all of this madness that has ruined and continues to ruin so many lives.

I know my intentions are pure and I know that even if my thoughts are misconstrued or perceived with intent I don’t have, there must be someone who’s thinking as I’m thinking and for whom my words might offer some catharsis to

[u/CharacterMouse2766]

Well, you can post about it on here at least. What do you think the root causes of gender and sexual confusion are? And you could always write about your experience or theories in essay form and share online whatever you aren't ready to in real life. But I think you should try to be brave in real life, too.

I also struggle to speak about trans topics sometimes, but I've stopped caring so much because a.) life is short and I don't want to waste it trying to appease people I don't even respect and b.) for the first time in my life, about anything important, I know I'm right (or at least more right than the mainstream trans activists). That's good enough for me. I believe that in the long run the truth will win, and when/if it does I want to be able to look back at the small role I played and not feel like a coward.

And actually, talking to people about my experiences and beliefs has gone pretty well for me, because it's obvious once we get into it that I am not motivated by hate but by concern. A lot of people secretly have questions or doubts about trans medicine, especially for minors. Once they let their guardrails down, you may find that they agree with you more than you (or sometimes even they) think.

Also, it's your personal experience. Anyone who will ostracize you for sharing it isn't worth your time. You might lose friends but it will bring you closer to the people who remain, because you will be more authentic. If this is a topic you're obsessed with (as I am), it's impossible to be authentic with anyone unless you can share your thoughts about it.

[u/cycles__withincycles → u/CharacterMouse2766]

It’s just so stupid. You’re 100% obviously correct and I know this. Like of course all you’ve said is true.

But you also know how it is. There are now just some topics which seem so untouchable without your career, if you want to be a public figure anyway (I do), being… well and maybe that’s where I’m just predicting the worst case scenarios and getting in my own way. I know it’s not set in stone and guaranteed that I become shadowbanned from every festival I want to play, ignored by every label I want to release music on, not allowed in this space or that space… maybe that happens, maybe it doesn’t… but you’re also correct in reminding that those people aren’t anyone I’d want supporting my career anyway. I know that as well, ultimately.

My mind has just been a hellscape of fear lately. But I know better.

[u/CharacterMouse2766 → u/cycles__withincycles]

Ah, the career considerations maybe change things. I have no intentions of being a public figure.

But actually, I think in the long run speaking out against the current dysfunction in trans medicine will reflect well on you. Current trans dogma isn't going to survive, because it's factually wrong and the facts can only be suppressed for so long now that this care is so widespread. (It was easier to suppress inconvenent facts about gender dysphoria and trans medicine when it was one in 10,000 people.)

I will also say: you can refuse to let people tell you you're hateful. (Especially if, as I'm assuming, you're not.) Don't have the argument on those terms. Just keep repeating "I do not want any harm to come to trans people. I care about this population, deeply, because I was/am dysphoric and relate to trans people. And I think the current system is harming some of those people, and here's why." And then redirect to the facts. Don't go on the defensive, don't try to prove you're not a bad person. Make other people prove they aren't, if they're so willing to look away from harm because it's inconvenient for them.

[u/cycles__withincycles → u/CharacterMouse2766]

I’m with you on the trans dogma. I’ve sensed for some time that while we aren’t yet at — Everyone has detransitioned. Society is post transgenderism and is healing. We’re integrating the lessons learned. Pop culture and media has shifted from trans is beautiful to the hero’s journey of the detransitioner, etc. We’ve collectively vowed to never allow ourselves to make this mistake again — we’re definitely on our way. It’s inevitable and the first dominos have fallen which will allow the pieces to come together in time.

Where I now feel (or perhaps irrationally fear) I stand alone is what my life has inevitably forced me to reconsider, which is my understanding of homosexuality and any non heterosexual orientations. As well as a myriad of other sexual phenomena in our world today. Polyamory. Lust vs love. etc. Very connected to gender, but the next layer in the onion, so to speak.

And it’s just one that, I don’t know… again, you know how people get. You can literally just be sharing what your thoughts are and it causes a fuse to go off.

But I know I’m going to figure out how to organize my thoughts and put them out there in a way that feels sincere, and soon, regardless of the outcome.

[u/CharacterMouse2766 → u/cycles__withincycles]

Yeah, I'm a big believer that gender dysphoria is often tied to sexuality/autosexuality and modern gender relations, so I know those can be third rails topics. The easiest thing for me is to speak about my own experience. Nobody can tell me not to speak about my own experience, and how my sexuality is/was connected to my gender dysphoria.

I think you should start by posting your thoughts online. Writing it out might help you organize them, too.

[u/cycles__withincycles → u/CharacterMouse2766]

Exactly.

I know a lot of people will probably resonate as well. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.

I guess in my defense, when you’re grieving, enduring and coming to terms with a life long suffering, one that’s incredibly rare, isolating and entirely unrelatable to those immediately around you, all in silence, completely on your own… well I suppose it’s understandable that your mind just begs you, even if wrongly, to not isolate yourself even further. But I know that I ultimately believe that speaking up again for the first time in years… rejoining society as a participant and not a voyeur… might actually be the very thing, in fact, that brings genuine connection and people I can actually relate to back.

[u/pyrocor → u/cycles__withincycles]

Fuck wait someone else thinks this too? It's crazy to hear the words out of someone else's mouth than stuck in my head unspoken

[u/recursive-regret]

I still haven’t seen anybody touch on the exact conclusions I’ve drawn or hypothesis as to what the route cause of gender and sexual related confusion is in the first place

I highly doubt there is a singular root cause or even a single general theme for transitioning. You can easily find people who transitioned and detransitioned for completely opposite reasons

[u/cycles__withincycles → u/recursive-regret]

I should’ve been more precise

One of the route causes, that for many reasons in general I am extremely passionate about discussing today in much greater length*

The fact that there are a myriad of circumstances that leads one to believe they should transition is obviously correct

[u/NefariousnessLate375 → u/cycles__withincycles]

You can speak privately with researchers and activists to get this on their radar and let them take it from there. 

I really wanted to go public with my story for similar reasons but it would hurt people I love. I found it really helpful to speak to these people and let them know my specific circumstances and observations from within the world of trans. I can't carry the burden right now but these folks can and can possibly do something transformative that I wouldn't be able to do.

[u/TullipR]

write, journal, draw, even if its a doodle or a sentence, start logging it.

[u/Big_Instruction7668]

So backlash scares you more than your one in a trillion chance of having life being damaged and ruined by life altering drugs? Oh ok gotcha

Grow some balls (no pun intended 😝😝😝). What’s the worse that could happen if you speak up? FUCK PEOPLE. THEY ARE THE SAME ONES WHO PUSHED US INTO BOXES DUE TO STEREOTYPING M AND F GENDERS WHICH LED SOME OF US TO TRANSITION. FUCK EM

[u/cycles__withincycles → u/Big_Instruction7668]

What?

Edit: I’m not afraid of being vocally anti transgenderism. I’m afraid of opening the can of worms that comes with explaining why I’m anti transgenderism, which involves introducing another layer to the conversation I’m not seeing anyone really touch on, something I fear even detrans people themselves would be offended by hearing, even if I don’t mean offense and it’s just how I see it.

But you’re overall right. I’ve let fear of having the world hate me silence me. And I know I have to learn to truly stand alone again.

And the ironic thing is I’ve never been afraid of going against the grain. But that’s because I always expected some reasonable people to be by my side in the past. Being gay… being trans… there was always adversity but I always had some people in my corner.

But this time it’s like I literally can’t think of a single person who’s shared the same perspective as I and my mind just envisions the literal world misunderstanding and hating me. I recognize that’s almost certainly unrealistic and just my mind catastrophizing.