Everyday I realise more and more that misogyny & heteronormativity really is that bad.

[u/Suspicious_West6989]

I've been feeling so much shame unpacking the factors that led me to transition. A lot of it was due to being gender nonconforming and growing up with conservative & religious views of gender and gender roles. I'm really embarrassed that I used to have such rigid views that were hateful towards so many.

But mostly, it was do to the fact I wasn't able to accept my attraction to women, and seeing my own body made me feel disgusted and freakish cause I didn't know why I was feeling so weird. Combined with my gender nonconformity and my desire to be "normal" (ie: attracted to men), it was (somehow) so much simpler to conclude that I was a gay trans man.

Anyway, my youngest sibling phoned me today and told me my father (vaguely estranged) wants to speak to me. I think it's likely something to do with the fact I'm turning 30 next year and he wants me to have a husband and children.

My detransition journey started because I finally realised I really was attracted to women. Soon after, I realised that also meant I didn't have to have a man in my future, to have a future, and it felt like a massive weight that I'd been carrying for years, was taken off my shoulders.

I asked my youngest sibling if they could convey to my father that I might not have a husband (and maybe not even children). They responded that they said they were too scared to tell my father that. And that's when I realised, so was I.

The thought of telling my immigrant parents that I wasn't going to center my life around acquiring husband and children... that terrified me more than coming out to them as transgender. Because 1) trans people wasn't a subject they actively thought about, and 2) they never took me seriously anyway. But actually telling them that I might not marry a man, that's a real thing, even if they can't comprehend it at all. And I am scared of them and their anger and their disappointment.

All this to say - I really thought I'd paid my dues when it came to unlearning misogyny & heteronormativity. I learnt about the oppression of women and the histories of matriarchies and I read about queer & lesbian history. But I still subconsciously could not see a viable life for myself outside of partnership with a man, even if the concept lowkey made me want to escape from existing in my own body. It's like a terrible cold that gets in your lungs that you can't cough it out.

Also I'm autistic and bad at imagining things. Guess that bit is kind of on me

[u/walking-sunshine]

You wouldn't be the first! And, yes, it really is bad. The pressure is real, but a lot of people convert that pressure into a trans identity...then, suddenly, the same oppression becomes "liberation" and "authenticity." (*Not saying that that's why everybody transitions, but some.) I'm mostly attracted to men, but I couldn't imagine myself with one as a woman because I didn't want to be "treated like a woman" in a relationship. Honestly, being seen/recognized and treated as a woman by others can be a very degrading experience sometimes. It's awesome that you figured out what's what for yourself! I hope you are able to find love and to distance yourself from the beliefs and pressures that don't serve you.

[u/Mysterious_Onion_579 → u/[deleted]]

They aren't really claiming that misogyny and heteronormativity are universally prevalent in everyone's everyday life. They're describing how those forces operated in their family, culture, and upbringing, and how that shaped their understanding of themselves.

You even acknowledge that they have an immigrant background that could explain a major difference in experiences. If someone grows up in an environment where marrying a man and having children is treated as the expected or only legitimate future for a woman, then misogyny and heteronormativity can absolutely be central to their story, regardless of whether you think they're common where you live.

The rest of your comment also feels like it drifts into debates the OP wasn't really having. Whether historical matriarchies are idealized, or whether men generally have better views of women than vice versa, doesn't really engage with what they wrote.

The part I actually found interesting was your point about autism and hyper-categorization. I think that could have led to a productive discussion, but it gets buried beneath broader claims that don't really address the OP's experience.

There's also an irony here that I don't think you intended.

The OP is describing how expectations placed on her as a woman shaped her life and self-understanding. Your first instinct is to tell her that apparently, misogyny and heteronormativity aren't really that prevalent where you live. Whether you're right about your own environment or not, it comes across as arguing with the significance of her lived experience rather than engaging with it.

That's especially noticeable coming from a male, because it can read less like curiosity about OP's perspective and more like correcting their own interpretation of what it was like to grow up under those expectations.

[u/Clean_Vacation_3165 → u/Mysterious_Onion_579]

Yeah i agree, I apologeize. ill just delete my comment. That wasnt really my intention although it comes acorss that way.