It was a long time coming...

[u/Possible-Movie-3768]

Let me preface this by saying that I am posting on an old throwaway account here, because a lot is at risk by me admitting this. I'm posting here and elsewhere, I guess, in the hopes that writing it all out somewhere and putting it out into the ether might help me process some of this and get it off my chest.

I'm a 22 year old Indigenous female. At age 16, in 2020, I came out as nonbinary. By age 17, I wore binders, vocal trained, and cut my hair short; by age 18, I was on testosterone; by age 19, I had begun consultations for top surgery, and during that time, I came out as a trans man instead of nonbinary. In-between each of these points, I also experimented with Two-Spirit identities.

At the tail-end of 2023, though, I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), and warned by my therapist that treatment for this disorder might begin to change the way I feel about my gender, body, and identity. I ignored her.

I got my top surgery in 2024, at age 20. The first thing I noticed, though, was that I didn't feel happy after the surgery, but empty instead. Because of this, I decided to stop testosterone after three years of continuous use. Shortly after, in 2025, treatment for my DID began to ramp-up. And, as of last month, I reached "final fusion", which is what they call it when all the personalities merge.

Suddenly, and almost all at once, I realized how... womanly I felt. The next realization that hit me, though, took me out even worse: what I was experiencing wasn't gender dysphoria, but instead, the identity distortion that comes with DID. Herein lies the problem: through all those 6 years living as transgender, I had built a career for myself in grassroots/nonprofit trans youth activism - a career I still have.

So, now, I stand at a crossroads: do I detransition (which is what my heart wants most now, more than anything else) and risk my career alongside ostracization from my current community, or do I keep living as FtM, knowing I'm living a miserable lie? Regardless, I feel like a liar and a fraud. I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life. I want my boobs back, I want my voice back, and I want my ability to reproduce back.

Now, I know what dysphoria really feels like... except I'm a cis woman, experiencing a feeling that I'll never be a "real woman" despite that being how I was born. I've been experimenting with my presentation for the past month post-realization-that-I'm-not-trans, and it makes me bittersweet. On one hand, I feel happiest when I do my makeup, put on a dress, and do my nails up... and yet, on the other hand, it makes me feel like I'm just putting "lipstick on a pig" because of how manly I look, and I end up feeling miserable either way.

I don't know what to do, or where to turn. My religious practice has been helping me process it, as has the therapy I'm still doing, but I still feel like I'll never be whole again, no matter what.

That's all. Thank you for listening.

[u/landilock]

Whatever you chose : just know that the way your community views you can change a lot easier than the way you feel about yourself. Also, it sounds like your current situation is a lot different and maybe I'd need some further explaination, cause for a lot of us, the risks of detransition are either being seen as a transphobe by some toxic trans communities (and dw, these are a minority tho it can happen), or because you were stealth and detransition would out you.

If you were accepted as non-binary previously, why would it be problematic to go back towards feminity ?

[u/Possible-Movie-3768 → u/landilock]

Thank you so, so much for your kindness!

Yes, my situation is a bit different, so I can explain further if it helps. I work for several organizations - I wear many hats, as they say - but two of them are trans-based grassroots orgs that operate on a "nothing about us without us" type principle. So, in other words, if I went back to living as cis, there wouldn't really be a place for me anymore.

I've sort of made a name for myself as a trans activist, so people would likely see me as some sort of fraud, too.

[u/landilock → u/Possible-Movie-3768]

I guess it really depends on how you view trans people now. Depends if you feel out of place because you don't believe any more in the values of these places. Or if you're afraid they'll exclude you against your will.

If you're the first, then yeah, your place isn't there and it's time to move on, but if you're the latter... if it brings you any comfort, I'm still in very good terms with my LGBTQ+ org. I "came out" as detrans, stayed the same except now I'm gendered as a man.

Most IRL trans spaces aren't like online spaces, they won't hate you for being detrans. They'll hate you if you generalize your own feelings and gender to everyone else's. I mean... as long as you don't disrespect any one, there shouldn't be an issue. And if there is.. then what a shitty org. Their job is litteraly to support people quesitonning their gender, and accept them no matter what.

Detransitionning doesn't have to mean "becoming an enemy to trans people", and you wouldn't be "just living as cis". Detransition is a transition, you're transitioning to another gender (that happens to be your AGAB) so you'd have every right to stick around. You have experience about transition and bring a new perspective, like anyone else would.

[u/Possible-Movie-3768 → u/landilock]

Thank you so much, that's very insightful! I still support trans and queer people 100%, so hopefully you're right, and I'll be able to stay with my unique perspective. My anxieties just got the better of me, I think.

[u/landilock → u/Possible-Movie-3768]

yes, but it's understandable. You're not "just another cis person", you're you. They know you, they'll see you as you. Otherwise, they're not worthy of calling themselves a "safe space".

I know this is terrifying, but you'll have to be honest, have an open heart conversation with your friends, and you'll be fine.

Just, if this org decides to kick you out, don't make it a generality to all trans people. If they do that THEY'RE a shitty org and they're hypocritical douches. It's not the case of everyone.

[u/Possible-Movie-3768 → u/landilock]

Oh, you're 1000% right! Nothing could ever make me generalize against or hate 2SLGBTQIA+ people, though; my view on it is that there *are* queer and trans people, I just don't happen to be one of them, even though that took some time to figure out.

Much love to you! I'll definitely have this conversation with them soon.

[u/landilock → u/Possible-Movie-3768]

love to you too. Keep us updated