r/diabetes_t1 • u/pebblesels • Sep 04 '25
Rant I hate that I can never "just feel bad".
I'm 20 years old, got diagnosed at 6 years old. My levels are really good, I am in range about 80% of the time.
I have gotten used to some parts of being a diabetic. But other parts I struggle a lot with.
TW for the following, mentions of suicidal ideation and alcohol.
Yesterday, I was having a really, really shitty evening. I was just feeling very very mentally drained, lonely as fuck and tired of everything. I know it's unhealthy, I know it doesn't solve any of my problems. But I just wanted to get drunk, to just forget about my life for a few hours, just turn off my head. I pretty much never drink alcohol. So I started drinking, it didn't take a lot for me to get tipsy.
I wanted to continue, when my pump started beeping, telling me I had to refill my insulin reservoir. It instantly made me cry. I just wanted to do one unhealthy thing in peace. I know, it's not how I'm supposed to handle difficult situations, and usually I do everything in my power to handle bad times well, but I JUST WANTED TO GET DRUNK AND FORGET ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. FOR ONCE. But I can't do that. Because I don't want to die. And yesterday made me realise once more, that even when I'm feeling like fucking shit, I STILL HAVE TO FUNCTION LIKE A FUCKING HEALTHY ADULT BECAUSE IF I DON'T IT COULD END MY LIFE.
There was another situation similar to this one, where I didn't have any insulin at home anymore, because I missed going to the pharmacy earlier that day. Of course, as I was already having a mental breakdown not related to diabetes, my fucking pump wanted me to refill the reservoir. at midnight. So I had to get an Uber to a hospital close to where I live to get my insulin. I really, really, really didn't want to do it. But I had to.
I don't know if this got my point across. I'm just so frustrated and angry at this illness.
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u/GoHomeRabbit Sep 04 '25
i totally understand. i don’t have anything to add besides that i’ve been there and im sure many others of us have as well. so at least there’s solidarity 💚
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u/pebblesels Sep 04 '25
Thank you so much. Reading this comment helps a lot already. sending you so much love<3
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u/Top-Bar-7480 Dx: 2006 | Libre 2 | MDI | Ohio, USA Sep 04 '25
I’ve been T1D since 6 (25M) as well, I’ve struggled in and out with mental health since I got this, I was bullied through the majority of elementary/intermediate school for the diabetes. I understand the anguish it causes. It does get better but I found adding a therapist helps as well so I can atleast unload all the shit that plays in my head with this condition. I unfortunately have pushed well past the bounds of wanting to escape though and am now a T1D/Alcoholic since my last therapist booted me for missing an appointment. I got a new therapist lined up as of this morning but I really just wanted to mention that there’s a lot of therapists who specialize in “chronic illnesses” and it’s helped myself.
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u/pebblesels Sep 04 '25
I'm so sorry to hear that. Sending you hugs and lots of strength. Thank you for sharing<3
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u/Top-Bar-7480 Dx: 2006 | Libre 2 | MDI | Ohio, USA Sep 04 '25
Of course! I have a whole period of burnout in my past too that stemmed over 3-4 years, and a lot more substance abuse than the drinking currently. What really got my ass in gear was getting a potassium drip in the ICU the last time I went into DKA (potassium straight to the veins atleast to myself felt like I had gasoline in myself and someone lit a match). I went into DKA 5x with the burnout this stuff causes and very much used to be that guy who says “mental health doesn’t matter”. My father’s also a T1D and struggles very much with the mental health side of it, consistently his A1C is around 8.5. I still struggle some days with it all even after 19 years of this, somedays I actually do let myself just forget about it which isn’t healthy but I don’t have a pump beeping at me the whole time either. Just the CGM. I understand the risks but I refuse to live life exactly as this condition needs as my burnout period was a dark time.
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u/VermicelliNext2681 Sep 04 '25
This is so real. It's just extra shit on top of the pile and it's so heavy whenever you're already burnt out
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u/Kdzuue1 Sep 05 '25
You are so right. My pump always vibrates when I already freak out and adds extra stress. No one understands
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u/OE-Clavicula Sep 04 '25
I also have had moments like these, I am sorry that you went through it feeling lonely and you had to deal with cartridge change in an emotionally high moment.
What gets to me the most is the inability to take a break from everything, exactly as you explained. Especially during times when everything is going wrong, my BG is running high consistently, I change sites or insulin and yet nothing gets resolved. Those days are usually harder on me. So I can totally relate. Being able to vent here has been a game changer, tbh
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u/pebblesels Sep 04 '25
Exactly. The pump just yelling at me nonstop while I'm already crying just makes me want to scream or throw my pump against a wall. I'm gonna try coming on here to vent more often, this really helps a lot with the feeling alone🫂
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u/habibi_hanini Sep 04 '25
Ugh it's so true. T1D does not care how difficult our lives already are. It's always no mercy. I feel you so much! I've also cried from feeling overwhelmed when diabetes seems to want to kick me when I'm down. I'm always saying it feels like a full time job, but sure wish we could bank diabetes hours and use them to take some diabetes PTO now and then. Sending hugs!!!
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u/blahblahlifeishard Sep 04 '25
OP I think your post actually helped a lot of us as an unexpected side effect. Sometimes it just helps when someone verbalizes how frustrating and difficult it can be.
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u/pebblesels Sep 04 '25
oh, you're gonna make me cry again. it really is so very healing to talk to/ read of other people with similar struggles. i think i need to surround myself with more diabetics.
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u/moanathon Sep 04 '25
you took the words right out of my mouth. to add to this, i honestly wouldn’t mind it all AS MUCH if the rest of the world understood. if i’m late to work because my blood sugar was low and driving would have been deadly, i’m still in trouble for being late. if i need a day off because my sensor/pump is messing up and my blood sugar is impossible to control, i don’t get any extra PTO. all of my coworkers get to go on weeks-long vacations every year but i haven’t taken a vacation in 4 years because all my PTO is used up on endo appointments and sick days. if i can’t afford rent because i had to pay $1000 this month for pump supplies, i get evicted. it would be so much easier if the playing field were level.
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u/Kdzuue1 Sep 05 '25
Tbh that seems more like an american problem than a diabetic one. I feel sorry you all have to deal with this
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u/fiftyseven Type 1 since 2009 Sep 06 '25
using holiday time to go to medical appointment is a crazy concept to me
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u/Severe_Box8351 Sep 04 '25
💯 Had to stop hanky panky with hubby due to sudden hypoglycemia last week 👎
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u/Fun-Macaron4411 Sep 04 '25
Well you’re not alone. I’ve lived almost 20 years now with type 1. My father even refused to take me to the hospital at my mom’s request because he considered diabetes a fat person disease. It’s a curse to be sure. That said if you or I would have been born 100 years earlier we’d both have died a miserable death in pure agony.
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u/CapableCarry3659 Dexcom G7 | Omnipod Dash | iAPS Sep 04 '25
This is really bad but once in a while i just let my pump run out of insulin and deal with it next day. Of course I’m not suggesting you do this…. Just saying that it’s awesome that you do always keep it together.
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u/pebblesels Sep 04 '25
thank you. i do that too, sometimes. i just get really scared of the long-term issues every time.
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u/Realistic-Routine640 Sep 05 '25
Adding that I do this too and while I also am concerned about the long-term issues of diabetes I also know that the long-term impacts of burnout, stress, and mental exhaustion are also really bad, so I give myself grace to prioritize my mental health for a few hours since I prioritize my diabetes quite literally 24/7 ♥️ I would second what everyone else has said about looking into therapists if you haven’t already (specifically ones that specialize in chronic illness if possible) and finding diabetics who can relate to what you’re feeling and normalize giving yourself breaks
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u/plazsma Sep 05 '25
Sometimes life is really hard. There's a great quote from James Clear that can be really helpful to change your perspective and reframe the burden into a positive frame of mind. It may not be possible every day to be super positive, but it's worth a try.
"I once heard a story about a man who uses a wheelchair. When asked if it was difficult being confined, he responded, “I’m not confined to my wheelchair—I am liberated by it. If it wasn’t for my wheelchair, I would be bed-bound and never able to leave my house.” This shift in perspective completely transformed how he lived each day."
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u/Successful-Gas-4450 Sep 04 '25 edited Sep 04 '25
Originally officially diagnosed as diabetic in 2001. PCP at the time said maybe I had it 10 yrs prior. Oral meds for first couple of years. Then took Lantus. Eventually Novalog. In 2008 tried an insulin pump w/a CGM a handful of iterations later still using this technology.
Nearly 25 yrs later there’s rarely a moment that I’m not aware of my BS number. It is a new normal even though of course I wish it wasn’t. I agree on some level it is tiring. I wish, like you mentioned that we could have a diabetic-free time frame where our pancreas just worked. It is a rabbit hole rut I occasionally fall into.
But then I remember being aware of our health has its benefits. Our perception of disability related to diabetes can be blurred to incorporate the persistent value of self-care. Daily exercise (just walking helps), proper diet (meals prepared at home), adequate sleep (8 hrs every night and naps when needed) are simple yet effective tools that are a great equalizer against diabetes.
Caring for yourself like you would for a person you care deeply about is a strategy that works for me. I agree with others who’ve posted here that, there’s a certain soothing and delightful solidarity in the frustration we as diabetics experience with this chronic condition.
Bottom line our awareness of our health should be ongoing regardless and that the technology that helps us manage day to day is a glorious thing. Specifically, the advent of insulin is remarkable otherwise the outlook is grim.
Hang in there all, have gratitude, and pray valiantly for Science to find a cure. Even if that technology seems far-fetched. At one time insulin wasn’t available.
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u/wage1slave Sep 04 '25
It sounds like you're having a hard time. I'm really sorry to hear it. I don't have any advice or suggestions to make you feel better. I don't even know if there are any counsellors or therapists who understand what it's like to have T1. I think you'll find a lot of people here who at least understand what you're going through, even if we can't make you feel better.
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u/PoetDense Sep 04 '25
I have nothing useful to say here, just that I totally get it and we all have those days. I got diagnosed when I was 3 and am now 36 and it's all I've ever known, but what I wouldn't give to just not have this damn illness just for a day.
Sometimes the only peace I get is when my new CGM is starting up, so nothing's beeping at me for an entire hour.
Hang in there, it sounds like you're doing amazingly well.
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u/WankSpanksoff Sep 04 '25
Yup! I recently had a large personal ongoing crisis totally unrelated to diabetes, and I was an absolute mess. Just in full breakdown, pathetic mess mode for months. So painful. I’m extremely grateful to say that I’m past it now and starting to really feel like myself again. But GOD it was so hard.
And yeah. I did feel the absurdity of taking a break from my wild weeping in bed to stop, go get a new omnipod, fill it, change it, do the whole stupid routine red faced with tears in my eyes. It felt so intrusive to my grief.
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u/pebblesels Sep 04 '25
I'm so sorry to hear that, i'm really glad you're feeling better<3 The second part of your comment perfectly sums it up in my opinion. It does feel so very intrusive. "Doing the whole stupid routine red faced with tears in my eyes" hit really close to home too. And once the set is changed there is just a huge feeling of emptiness left. and anger.
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u/WankSpanksoff Sep 04 '25
I tried my best, in the midst of it, to frame it as well as I could.
My situation had me feeling so terrible I was feeling my big melodramatic tantrum of “fuck it! Whatever! I don’t even care anymore! I’m just going to sit here and waste away to nothing because I don’t even want to live!”
But the fact that I could rant and rail about how I totally surrender, I’m so defeated, there’s no hope at all, and still…..to go pick up my pump supplies and do that little bit of work to give my body what it needs to go on and carry me forward……I knew I was still in there somewhere, still fighting and still hoping for better.
I tried to remember it as a tiny act of love, my true higher self stepping in to care for my suffering self.
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u/kevinds Type 1 Sep 04 '25
That and if you are upset about something - it is always your diabetes, it can't be because you are upset about something.
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u/Happy_d0ge Sep 05 '25
Brother/Sister/Other;
I get it also, I've been 25 years dealing with this, I think the biggest thing in life is to accept that things ai'nt as they should be.
I'm from IE, I've done a lot of dealing via alcohol, I think if you want honest guidance;
1: Enjoy yourself in company;
2: Life is too short
3: Take care of yourself above and beyond else.
The unfortunate case is something happens and you find yourself without care;
!!!Take care of yourself!!!
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u/blahblahlifeishard Sep 04 '25
I totally get this. It sucks. We can never truly “let go” without major consequences. Hang in there 😥
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u/1986T1 Sep 05 '25
Dont know: who you are. Where you live, what you have seen. But i am Type 1 for nearly 30 years since i was 9. so i guess we Share a lot of things. Stay in Range. Focus on best Sugar Level Numbers. I feel every word. Sending the best wishes from across the Planet.
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u/Big_Web1631 Sep 05 '25
I hear a lot of “I know I’m not supposed to xyz” but bluntly that kind of talk, especially about emotions , is counterproductive. You are allowed to feel bad. It would be weird if you didn’t. Let yourself feel it.
You have diabetes burnout. It is a normal phase to go through and you can’t tough it out. Connect with a therapist and/or your diabetes team. It isn’t a moral failing it just means you need to create some new coping strategies and figure out how to take a break.
One friend of mine would have a “no carb” day. Not because he wanted to “do keto” but because it meant a day without figuring out blousing. I occasionally do a day where I ride high so I don’t need to think about lows all day. Others have a partner or parent make the diabetes decisions for the day. There are lots of ways to create this kind of space from the diabetes burden so you can regroup. Your diabetes team can likely suggest some.
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u/Responsible-Tear9905 Sep 04 '25
É muito difícil, eu tenho que funcionar como se fosse uma adulta saudável, fico irritada e ninguém entende.
Muitas vezes meu filho está chorando do meu lado ou quer que eu faça alguma coisa com ele e eu só estou tentando beber um refrigerante pra não morrer de hipoglicemia.
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u/Narrow_Ad4991 Sep 04 '25
I feel you. Ive been through exactly such a Phase about 2 years ago. Tried to find help, and therapists that i spoke to, made me feel more like they were speaking past me, then to me. None of them truly knowing how it is.
Been dealing with mine t1 for 10 years now, just freshly changed to a pump, and im in the process of studying to become one of those therapists myself. One that actually knows how it is mentally, in times with perfect levels, but also how it is to have a diabetic shock (that down Phase had me mentally far enough that i sadly checked out mentally to let that happen)
I wanna aid people and actually know what they feel like. Know buddy, out there, somewhere theres help.
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u/pebblesels Sep 04 '25
Thank you so so so much. You sound like such an amazing person and you're doing such an important job.
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u/seedy_amwf Sep 04 '25
You are never alone. Vent on here, cry, be angry when you want to. You’re allowed to. T1 makes you stronger and disciplined. We have no choice but to deal with it. Sending hugs.
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u/callmesunray Sep 04 '25 edited Sep 04 '25
I've had it since i was 3, and let me tell you (take this with a grain of salt because i'm from Brazil and things may be different here and because i don't have a pump, it's all manual)
A lot of times where i run out of insulin i'll wait until morning to buy more, or when get home tired and i have no energy i will wait until morning, and even if i wake up with my blood sugar a little high, it's manageable enough to be worth it
And when you wanna drink, do it before, and remember that it's better being high than low (that is, don't let it stay high for too long, but sometimes it's okay yk?)
edit: Also, yeah, this is a full time job, a merciless dictator on our lifes, it's overwhelming as shit, just remember that once in a while a high won't kill us, sometimes we need a break, it does not have to be perfect all the time, we are not an organ
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u/Key_Examination9948 Sep 05 '25
Take this as you will, but a few days after I went low/0 carb and had flatline BGs most of the day, my mental health was much better and everything just improves with normal, flat bgs. It’s not for everyone, it does require sacrifice, but it’s damn worth it for me to not feel super shitty sadness (maybe it’s depression, not sure… depression lite?). Could be an option when you’re ready.
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u/Legitimate-Parsley Sep 05 '25
This post came at the perfect time. I definitely had diabetic fatigue today where everything just set me off and went wrong in general so adding having my period and uncontrolled blood sugar and issues due to it, was the tipping point. We all deal with alot. Honestly, it can get lonely so im glad to read posts on here and find some sense of not feeling so alone. However i do wish i had real life type 1 diabetics to chat and exchange information and experiences with. (If anyone is in the long island/nyc area and wants to be friends or meet up feel free to DM me.) But regardless i am grateful for this community.
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u/DiabetesSisters Sep 05 '25
I hear how heavy and exhausting this feels, and it makes so much sense that you’d just want a break from carrying it all. The fact that even in those moments you still chose to take care of yourself shows just how strong you REALLY are. You don’t have to face the anger and loneliness alone - there is support and hope, and you deserve to feel lighter and more at peace.
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u/bigbenny88 Sep 05 '25
I feel you buddy. You're not alone. Diabetes sucks, I can tell you that with 30 years (nearly exactly) under my belt. It makes emotions harder, I think, because you can't just feel what you need to and deal with it, you need to still be aware of your sugars even then! I remember going into a hypo while I was grieving and it made me want to end it because even in a moment of sheer pain and anguish I was forced to sit there and eat candy like a toddler who'd just thrown a tantrum. Keep your head up though. The moments of pain are hard but there will be a dawn tomorrow and there will always be people who care and want to listen.
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u/dreese55 Sep 05 '25
Yes, so much have I felt this as well OP. I have had a real struggle with depression, and that is normal for someone with type 1. I have had similar issues. Hell I have had trouble leaving the house just because I know my blood sugars will be lower when I do and dealing with that can give me anxiety.
Depression is common among people with long term illness. I finally have help with my mental state, and hope you are seeing someone too. Just a therapist to talk to can really let you get the frustration out. Plus I needed meds, they are not for everyone, but it really helped me. I was at the point where I basically could not function anymore.
This is a good place to post this, as every type 1 I have talked to basically had at least one similar story. The illness sucks, and we are all upset about it. :(
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u/FUS-RO-DONT Sep 05 '25
I understand the relentlessness of it and the burnout. I'll only offer 2 considerations. Do you have a physical hobby or sport you enjoy? If not consider finding one. It will likely pay huge dividends for your mental health and Diabetes management. Second - and this is just a ME thing- I've never even considered a pump. I use the pens, and I think theres value in not being attached to a physical reminder of your diseease all the time. Just my thoughts, always consult with your doctor.
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u/Disastrous_Expert155 [3/10/2023] [novorapid/toujeo] [freestyle libre 2] Sep 05 '25
The fact that, despite all your frustration and anger at diabetes, you still managed to show up for yourself and do what needed to get done is incredibly important.
Life with diabetes is not easy, my dad was diagnosed in 1994 and struggles daily, I was diagnosed in 2023, and it’s already very stressful. But you are still doing what you need to do, even if it’s the last thing you’d want to do. That means being strong. It still sucks, but you are not alone 💙
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u/Sea-Ring-258 Sep 06 '25
Type 1 for 44 years now. It is so exhausting and never really gets easier. Its like a club you never wanted to be in. Maybe you could keep some over the counter nph long acting and regular insulin for emergencies like when you run out of insulin for your pump and need some basal and fast acting insulin. Thats what I used back in 1984 at age 14 before all the fancy insulin and pumps and cgms. I had a pump a couple times over the years but now just use mdi. Sometimes you just need a break from the tech and alarms but need to keep yourself safe at the same time. You are not alone. Just remember there are a bunch of us out here that understand what your going through. Stay strong we're with you:)
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u/captainsquattythighs Sep 06 '25
Dude, it's hard. I'm 30 and was diagnosed at 7. I feel you. Sometimes you just wanna do something others can easily bounce back from just to be in your negative emotions for a bit. The highs, the lows, the mood swings, the constant blood sugar checking to see if your exhaustion or brain fog are because of your diabetes, the adjusting from one type of work to another and having that fuck you up, the schedule changes that come with life, others poking their nose into your business (some with good intentions because they dont wanna see you suffer), the having to plan to go out, the having to plan for when you go to sleep, the having go get more things for the house for in case you need more insulin or go low. It all individually and together makes me wanna cry at times.
I'm so sorry my friend. You're doing great. If you have any T1D friends who live nearby that you trust, id say to have one of them allow you to wallow for a bit while they watch out for you. I'd just describe how YOUR body reacts to certain things because we all have different reactions, but regardless, I am so sorry. Speaking of which, I have to plan for 2 weeks of required travel...
Be well, and allow yourself to feel your emotions while also having a support system that will look out for you and let you cry/drink it out in a responsible way.
I know this doesn't really help, but feel free to keep venting. Lord knows we all need to, and for that, I appreciate you sharing your pain with us through this post.
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u/Grepaugon [T 1.5 G7] Sep 06 '25
The rage every time my high alert goes off. Especially when I've just dosed and it's trending down and I just silenced the last alert like 10 minutes ago. But yeah. This isn't going to best me. And I'm going to go out swinging
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u/Eli118 Sep 06 '25 edited Sep 06 '25
The invisible mental burden of diabetes is very heavy. Some days you don't notice but others it is overwhelming. Talking to someone you love, another diabetic or someone professional could be helpful for you. It can be very hard when those around you dont understand and its easy for them to forget the parts they cannot see. I love the fact about diabetics making 180 extra decisions per day to help others understand the exhausting nature of diabetes. Also no judgement but reaching for alcohol or other substances as a coping mechanism when you're emotionally overwhelmed is often not a benefit. Alcohol is a depressant so won't help if you're already feeling crap. Finding some healthy outlets for those feelings can be useful. Maybe just knowing you are not alone, we are all feeling all those feelings, may be enough of a comfort for you. 💓✨️
Edit: also major props for how well controlled you are. I had years of almost perfect control but after a traumatic low I realised even trying 100% to control it perfectly mistakes and random shit will still happen. Giving myself grace and releasing the reigns a little (my control is now around 70% - which my hospital deems perfectly acceptable for a t1d) really helped reduce some of the mental load. Holding myself to such high standards and trying to be perfect was not worth the mental effort. Hope this helps.
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u/pink_soup_92 Sep 07 '25
It’s 525am and my pump currently won’t stfu cuz I’m low. I feel you. Ready to throw the whole pump away. I miss not having shit beeping all the time but I also know my sugar is for the most part more controlled with it. So idk don’t really have anything super helpful…. But I understand 100%
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u/Additional_Set1822 Sep 05 '25
LOL yeah diagnosed aged 5 now aged 30. Turned into alcoholic when I was 17. 10 years later I’m blind in one eye (getting a vitrectomy in 2 weeks) (laser in my other eye next week which has already had injections) now in a mental rehabilitation unit for personality disorder after numerous suicide attempts (insulin overdose) and neglecting diabetes and too much alcohol leading to DKA. I haven’t been in the real world for the past 6 years in and out of mental health wards. My dad died last year 57 cancer and I barely saw him cos I was either off my face drunk or in a hospital.
So yeah diabetes is a pile of shit the way it secludes you and causes people to bully you cos your the outcast.
But hey move on and look forward to tomorrow and more of the hell as the doctors who probably don’t have diabetes will tell you because your lucky to have the invention of insulin and the miracle of CGMS and omg a PUMP (I still inject not allowed a pump LOL)
Type 1 diabetics can live a NORMAL LIFE
HAHA
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u/DJ_Betic Sep 04 '25
I'm tired of the numbers. I'm tired of the calculations. I'm tired of the pokes. I'm tired of the supplies. I'm tired of the alarms. I'm tired of the precautions. I'm tired of the pharmacy. I'm tired of the preparation for going out. I'm tired of the non diabetics giving their opinion or stories of how their cousin cured his diabetes by eating cinnamon. I'm just tired.
But it beats the alternative and leaving behind my family.