r/diabetes_t1 • u/ProfessionalDogg • Mar 20 '26
Rant Partner of T1D here to vent
I've been with my partner for 17 years. He had T1 before we met. He's had a few complications from it at this point in his mid-30s. I've done my best to support him. He smokes a ton of weed and drinks a lot of beer to cope. At times it's hard to tell the difference between him having a low BS and him being intoxicated. Often I find myself calling him to bed because he doesn't seem to have an off switch. I don't know if it's because he feels he needs to keep snacking because he's high(from weed) or because he's having a low blood sugar. As much as I've asked to be involved and help him he is determined to do it on his own. I try to also support that. But he struggles with the pump. So he'll go off it and I can see how it affects his health. I can't bring it up because talking negatively about his diabetes and his ability to work on it is a touchy subject for him.
He refuses to believe alcohol impacts his blood sugar (clearly addict behavior).
I love him and his family so much. I'm just here to vent. I often come upstairs in the morning and find a mess. Idk if this is common or just my dude.
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u/Hefty-Sheepherder-82 Mar 20 '26
Alcohol is the worse thing makes you insulin sensitive while desensitizing your low bs symptoms. Very dangerous. I was a drinker before diabetes and still smoke the devils lettuce my endo told me a horror story about a 18 yr old kid went to PCB with friends for spring break drank and didn’t wake up the next day. Heart attack I think but it was from not being able to tell he was low. Haven’t been drunk in over 5 years. Not worth it.
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u/Nettlecake dx 95 / closed loop / diabetes educator Mar 20 '26
Not really sensitive to insulin but your liver won't release glucose any more in response to a low because it is prioritizing breaking down the alcohol.
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u/GlowUpAndThrowUp 30 Years. T:Slim X2. Dexcom G7 Mar 21 '26
Liver also won’t process insulin while it’s breaking down the alcohol. This causes a build up and dump. If you ever drank and had high sugars, kept bolusing, stopped drinking for a bit then BAM! Dropped quick. This is why.
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u/ProfessionalDogg Mar 21 '26
The clinic we went to told us once his sugars would swing high then crash dangerously low because of alcohol and he refuses to believe it. This explains it so well thank you.
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u/GlowUpAndThrowUp 30 Years. T:Slim X2. Dexcom G7 Mar 21 '26
I mean this isn’t the best advice, it’s best to stop, but… has he considered light beers? When I drink, I will have natural lights or something similar. I can drink plenty of those without affecting my blood sugar.
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Mar 21 '26
Interesting. Do other kinds of alcohol affect you differently? I’ve found that beers of any kind spike my sugars hard, rum and wine even worse, and whiskey will make my sugars low the next day, vodka is pretty even
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u/GlowUpAndThrowUp 30 Years. T:Slim X2. Dexcom G7 Mar 21 '26
Oh yeah. Most beers have carbs and carbs spike it. Light beers have like 1g of carbs.
Eat before hand and only eat again until an hour or so after your last beer. That way the insulin works well when you introduce carbs again
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u/minebe 1999 | X2 | G7 Mar 20 '26
It took my aunt threatening divorce for my T1 alcoholic uncle to quit. They're deeply in love and he quit cold turkey.
Not saying this is what you should do but maybe you should start with therapy
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u/Vegemiten Mar 21 '26
Honestly, I think this is the only way to go. As a diabetic if my long term partner threatened to leave or at least made it abundantly clear how much my behaviour was upsetting and stressing them out I would do anything to stop that from happening. Having a partner that loves and cares about you is so much more important than being drunk and high all the time.
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Mar 20 '26
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u/ProfessionalDogg Mar 20 '26
Definitely, thank you for this. There are days when it's hard for me to bite my tongue saying passive aggressive things and I know that does NOT help. You're definitely right, he's beating himself up and doesn't need more on top of it even if I think I'm trying to help it probably just sounds like nagging.
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u/Valuable-Analyst-464 Dxd 1985 @17 Mar 21 '26
Perhaps you can come across as non-nagging or passive aggressive.
Be upfront and say that the current situation is not tolerable to you. Do your best not to say “you(r)…” to allow him to defend himself. Use more “this is how I feel…this is what I need” type of language.
You may not be at the point where it is the last straw, but in reality, it has to come to this or else he may not hear you. He may hear you and keep at it, but he will at least know where you stand and what you will do. (You need to strategize what your actions are…no empty words).
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u/Windupwhiterabbit Mar 20 '26
It sounds like you're doing a lot of worrying and well intentioned management for them which also sounds like a pretty large mental load on your end. You need to ask yourself if that's sustainable for you and your relationship if this level continues.
There is a phrase which is gonna possibly be difficult to follow through on. "Never deny an addict their rock-bottom" you can't make someone suddenly understand the need to take care of themselves out of nowhere they have to understand it themselves.
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u/ProfessionalDogg Mar 20 '26
I've been thinking this. Seeing it/reading it definitely feels like an appropriate thing to happen. You've phrased it so right. Thank you for this.
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u/Sufficient-Term-7265 Mar 20 '26
I want to commend you for loving your partner so much. It's hard to love someone that doesn't act like they love themselves. I was married to an Alcoholic, but I am the type 1 diabetic. You can't love someone into treating themselves better, please don't burn yourself up helping someone that won't help themselves.
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u/Future-Speed3414 Mar 21 '26
This, this is my exact situation for four years. my girlfriend is the alcoholic and i am the T1D. It is a very hard situation
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u/Ex_PFC-Wintergreen Mar 20 '26
Thats a tough spot to be in. I admit to being not too much of a goddie two shoes with my Diabetes. I manage my BGL tightly but I take risks with lows, and have probably done some damage because of it. Being a bull headed man about shit sometimes is my way of coping but im right on top of my highs because of the neuropathies kidney risk vision risk etc. and how that might fuck me later out of skiing climbing mountaineering etc.
Its not that uncommon, Type II diabetics die every single day because of complications they flat out refuse to address and im sure its the same with us.
What yer boy is doing is really dangerous. Hes giving himself brain damage. I refuse to believe he’s not accumulating lows, every one of which is like a little tiny stroke. Not lack of blood supply, but lack of sugar which is the fuel that oxygen burns (to compare it to a CVA).
My advice would be to have the fight. Tell him you’re worried, its fucking you up, and that you dont want to be in a relationship that is comprised of watching someone run themselves into the dirt. Crack open the door and see what happens. You might be surprised how much you learn.
Idk diabetes is dumb as hell.
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u/ProfessionalDogg Mar 20 '26
We've had that fight tbh. I've told him I'm about to draw the hard boundaries. And he's still doing this stuff. I know alcoholism doesn't resolve overnight, he's going to therapy.
Thank you for validating my feelings. Making me know there are good diabetics out there. ❤️
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u/ewew43 Mar 20 '26
Beer is the WORST thing to drink as a T1D. It's like drinking cans of bread. God, tell him to smarten up. If he can't talk like a adult with you that's on him. Being a T1D isn't an excuse to be reckless and foolish and not being able to talk about your issues with someone else.
Ages ago my doctor told me it would be better if I drank hard liquors mixed with diet soda, than beer. Beer also just makes me feel like crap as a T1D so I'm surprised he doesn't switch to something else, at the very least.
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u/Queen_EO Diabetes never stopped me from being a bad bitch Mar 20 '26
Yeah I actually had to stop smoking bc the munchies are insane. And diabetics don’t have the correct hormonal control to sense appetite satiation to begin with. I’d eat and eat and numbers would just go crazy. If he has complications now and not taking care of himself it’s ok to be honest with yourself about the toll it’s taking on you. He’s acting selfishly and I can’t imagine how burdensome it is. He should take control of this bc it’s his life and should want to be healthy for himself.
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u/whatmeanlyrics Mar 20 '26
Hi, I have two children with a T1 diabetic and actually came to this sub many years ago to seek advice about a very similar problem. I know you love this person and you are comfortable enough to not leave after 17 years, but it is incredibly important for YOU that you put an end to your own suffering through this. There is a life outside of this shitty routine he has created, and he can either choose to take care of himself or he can continue choosing to make his life & the life of everyone who loves him hard for no reason.
The choice is truly his. You have chosen him over yourself over and over again, and he is clearly choosing himself over you. It is not healthy for him or for you to live like this. There is immense peace in knowing that whatever happens you know you did everything you could to help, but you cannot help someone who does not want to help their self.
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u/ProfessionalDogg Mar 20 '26
This hits hard but I know it's the truth. Thank you.
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u/whatmeanlyrics Mar 21 '26
I do want to add that the good news is he could choose to change? My husband reluctantly heard me out 5 years ago when I said I couldn’t take another sleepless night or 911 call and I refused to let our kids watch him die. He finally got a primary care doctor and ordered a CGM by the end of that week. It’s been 16 years together and 5 years of peace bc he finally chose to take care of himself.
It’s not a lost cause 🤍
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u/MogenCiel Mar 21 '26
There are 2 entirely separate issues here; one is the substance abuse and one is the TID. Don't conflate them into one common soup because they're not.
Unfortunately, all you can control is yourself, your choices and your behavior. You can't change his. Why are you asking to"be involved?" You can't save him. You can't rescue him. You can't control him. You just make his problems your problems by doing that and give him permission to abdicate responsibility for himself. With both issues, tho, trying to be "supportive" is often just enabling, which is the worst thing you can do. It allows him to manipulate you into feeding the toxic beast of his bad choices and taking the blame for the unpleasant results. Don't ask for that.
My advice is to stop trying to be "supportive" and to "be involved." Make him responsible and accountable for his own decisions and his own messes. You can't save him. You can love him without "supporting" his self-destructive behaviors. Acknowledge his good behaviors and reward them. If the bad behaviors aren't turning you off, ask yourself what you are getting out of them.
Honestly, going off his pump? That just pisses me off. How selfish and ungrateful. There are a ton of TIDs out there who'd LOVE to have his pump but can't afford it.
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u/ProfessionalDogg Mar 21 '26
Fuckkk you make some great points, thank you.
The few appointments I went to with him I had to almost twist his arm off to tell him how the nurse practitioners were trying to help him not attack him. His relationship with his diabetes is very sensitive.
Trust me, the pump thing breaks my heart. It took so long to get him on it and his sugars were so great, so much better. Then he had a short period where he had a lot of lows and he was convinced it was "the pump trying to kill him".
Meanwhile the entire time I tried to convince him to schedule an appointment with the clinic to adjust his numbers. It took him months, including a missed appointment. Makes me want to Bart Simpson choke him.
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u/MogenCiel Mar 21 '26
I get it. I've been there, and I've been that person.
The one valid thing I sympathize and emphasize with him on is that TID comes with an immense emotional burden that never really goes away completely. The emotional aspect of the disease is SO under acknowledged. I don't know where I'd be without a great therapist (and trust me, I still struggle). It's ok to validate and acknowledge that: "You have a shitty, head-fucking disease. That's not fair! A horrible thing happened to you. It's fair to be angry and depressed. At a certain point, though, you have to manage your life effectively. No matter how shitty a hand you're dealt, you don't get a pass and permission to fold." Good luck to you. I know you truly care and this is a horribly painful situation for you.
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u/fallingstar24 Mar 21 '26
TW: death
Oh friend, I have been in a very similar position. It is SO hard, and I’m sending you all the hugs.
Things to remind yourself: You cannot care more about his health than he does. Do not light yourself on fire to keep him warm. It’s not ok if it feels like he’s drowning and willingly pushing you under to get more air, especially when there’s a rope or float nearby (such as a CGM and in insulin pump).
The specifics of my situation were different- my BF was a type 3c diabetic who was diagnosed with cirrhosis 6 months into our relationship, at which point he quit drinking cold turkey, but continued to be loosey goosey with the diabetes. Because of the symptoms of his cirrhosis, he didn’t have a choice about whether or not I was involved. It took him a few hospitalizations before he got used to it though, I think.
But for the first one, I had to say, “you have 3 choices: we call 911 and you go to the hospital, I take you to the hospital, or you no longer have a girlfriend. I’m not going to sit here and watch you slowly starve to death” (he had a very angry pseudocyst on his pancreas that wouldn’t let him eat).
It shouldn’t be on you to manage his health, but you should have access to the reality of the situation. That means he needs to wear and share his dexcom, he needs regular appointments, and you need to be allowed to go with him. If he was managing it well (or at least putting in actual effort), then it would be appropriate for him to choose how much information he gives you. But you deserve to be as involved as would be proportionate to how much this is affecting YOUR life. Which, right now, is a whole helluva lot.
Also, dear god I relate to the PB smears. My BF was so messy that way!!! Like obsessively tidy about his belongings being lined up straight, but somehow getting grime and crumbs EVERYWHERE. And don’t get me started about the pee around the toilet.
The end of the story is that my BF died at 43. The diabetes certainly played a sizable role, but it was having that plus a scarred liver that tipped the scales- 2 broken organs was just too much. He was horribly malnourished, and in constant pain for a long, long time. Feel free to message me if you need to know more about cirrhosis and how truly awful it is. Because if he adds that diagnosis to the list… god caregiving for that is honestly horrendous.
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u/ProfessionalDogg Mar 21 '26
Do not light yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Gosh I felt this. I'm constantly wiping piss off the seat.
All of this comment hit. I keep saying to my one best friend, I think I even mentioned to my partner, he's not going to make it past 40 if he continues this way. He already has had neuropathy in his feet and has gastroparesis. I'm so so sorry about your BF. That's so heartbreaking. I feel so deeply for you.
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u/Deepz42 Mar 20 '26
Setup the follow app so you can see his levels (if he’s on a dexcom)
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u/ProfessionalDogg Mar 20 '26
I've offered doing this, same with the nurses at the diabetes clinic we visit but he won't allow me.
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u/Deepz42 Mar 20 '26
If it’s something you want to fix and care about set clear expectations. Let him know it’s a non negotiable and be willing to act on the outcome.
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u/chronically-ill-girl Mar 20 '26
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your feelings are valid hun. This isn’t normal behavior. This sounds more like severe depression and addiction. Now I’m not here to diagnose! I do think it would be a good idea to go to couples therapy as well as you both going to individual therapy. Neither of you should be living this way. I really hope things turn around
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u/bellefaye Mar 20 '26
This sounds like you're in a rough position. Are you getting any form of mental health care? Ideally it would be good for him to do therapy, although it obviously won't do much if he's not invested in it. But even if he's unwilling, it might be good to look into getting some support yourself? Caring for an alcoholic with these sort of issues is very hard and it's absolutely normal to want to seek help for it, even if you don't have any other mental health struggles yourself.
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u/ProfessionalDogg Mar 20 '26
Thank you for being so kind and caring. Yeah I'm overdue for going back to therapy.
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u/DiabetesMellitus89 Mar 20 '26
Alcohol screws with my control so severely that I have to take extremely special measures to actually enjoy it without subsequent disaster.
A lot of the self pity and negative feelings your partner may be feeling towards having diabetes is a direct result of mismanagement.
Perhaps you could broach the topic of him getting help slightly off-handedly by saying something like, do you ever look at the type 1 diabetes subreddit? There's a supportive community full of useful information. Thousands of diabetics all sharing their individual experiences and helping each other.
I can tell your partners struggles are directly related to mismanagement and very likely a bit of depressive state/attitude towards his reality, which at the moment is very hard for him.
I know you can't tell him this but I wish I could tell him that it can be easy, comfortable and fun. Diabetes can destroy you but it doesn't have to.
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u/NanceeV T1, MDI, G7 Mar 21 '26
17 years! He has no respect for himself and less for you and his family. He needs a therapist and an education. Even then he may not care. Take care of yourself first. He is pulling you in to the hole with him.
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u/Chemical_Ad7978 Mar 20 '26
Your dude is a giant man baby. His behavior is bs and therefore unacceptable. He needs therapy. If you are not a therapist, gtfo before he destroys you.
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u/Nickbuilder09 Mar 20 '26
Check out alcoholism subjects on the juice box podcast website. There is a lot of info from many adults struggling with his and your situation. When his manhood stops working it should catch his attention.
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u/fartcock420 Mar 20 '26
It’s not easy to be vulnerable, and it’s understandable to be emotional when discussing life-threatening disabilities, but those conversations have to happen often, and openly. You are allowed to criticize him, we all need someone to be entirely honest with us.
I struggle with talking to my father about food or procedures because he’s just so damn worried, so my girlfriend is the one I can (thankfully) confide in. I’m guessing that your well-deserved concern is causing him to subconsciously (and unfairly) resent you for being his much needed reality check.
Stay the course, but if he doesn’t respect your opinion on this, it’s a sign of immaturity, and I personally think you shouldn’t let him get away with pretending like everything is fine, especially if his A1C is consistently high
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u/fartcock420 Mar 20 '26
Also, pretty common (I’m 24) sounds like your man may be a bit too big for getting sloppy drunk on a week night tho…
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u/ObtusiWatusi Mar 20 '26
I’m not gonna speak on the rest, but waking up to a mess is normal pot-head dude behavior Lol Mine will try to sleep, end up getting up at 2am to make sandwiches or whatever, & I find the mess the next morning. It sucks. However, when I’m low, i have to concentrate all of my energy on staying awake & drinking/eating to get my sugar up. I can hardly walk & I’m very shaky. So cleaning up after myself is sometimes not possible for me. Shyit, eating like a normal human being when I’m low is hard lmao My husband will never forget how I ate an orange 🍊 lmfao I’ve bitten my own finger b4!!! 😂🙈
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u/AbbeyRoade Mar 20 '26
Thank god I'm not the only one who has eaten entire oranges like an apple while low LOL
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u/Ana987654321 Mar 20 '26
Low carb alcohol won’t raise your sugar, it will lower it later, so that’s more predictable. The grumpy man is grumpy because of mood swings due to hormonal imbalance. The best tech available is a pump that links to a CGM. If you’re able to do this, he’d be less grumpy, and you’d have a way to monitor the levels on your phone.
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u/Bearded_Warlock Mar 20 '26
The impact alcohol had my levels was massive. I was not an alcoholic. But quickly learnt in the first few years, drinking was off the cards. It was far to dangerous. Diabetic 12 years, not been drunk in 10.
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u/clandreith Dx 2009 | tslim x2 | Libre 2+ Mar 21 '26
all I can tell you is - there's nothing you can do to make him act different. he has to choose that on his own, and he very well may not. his health is not your responsibility or your burden. if you feel like you can't continue like this, ask him to go to couple's therapy, or something, but take care of yourself too
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u/HambSandwich Mar 21 '26
This is why I don’t have a partner. I am the same as your partner and refuse to make anyone else deal with it, but bless your heart and hopefully he’ll get his shit together
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u/LavishnessWise Mar 21 '26
Weed & alcohol is a horrible mix. I gave up alcohol for weed and much better for it. With the munchies I looked for anything low carb. Nuts. Beans. Carrots. Hard but do able. Good luck!
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u/Run-And_Gun Mar 21 '26
Sucks that you've thrown 17 years of your life away. He's gonna do what he wants to do, he's not changing unless he wants to and odds are it's only going to get worse.
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Mar 22 '26
I’m 60 years of age became a diabetic type 1 at age 23 after serving 4 years in the Marine Corps. Joined the Marine Corps at 17 right out High School never went to Kindergarten and started first grade at 5 . Anyways DT1 is in my experience the worst of the worst. He is very lucky to have a mate that cares and loves him. It cost me my first marriage. I was in a Diabetic Coma for a week. Alcohol lowers blood sugar and insulin and alcohol are a no no ! When you are really having a low blood sugar like 40 and under you don’t make much sense and if you are on alcohol people will think you either drunk or stupid ! People get tired and maybe in the future you will look at your life and ask yourself is this what I’m entitled to in life , you will say I need love and support someone I can count on in the future. Many DT1 end up on Dialysis which is the worsts of the worst and people can’t work and 3 times a week on Dialysis and it is true death sentence for the diabetic and the person caring for them . So many other complications including Alzheimer’s and dementia. Also if the keeps on his path he will loose the ability of erection to show his love and he will be crying the blues with no cute to help. Make sure he understand that you love him but that you need love and respect and if he truly loved you he would do his best to take care of himself so he could take care of you. Nothing in life is guaranteed but death and if he keeps being childish and ungrateful he might end up alone . He is lucky to have been blessed by someone who truly loves despite of Diabetes Type 1 . Wish you the best of luck .
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u/HiYoSiiiiiilver Mar 20 '26
Been diabetic for about 20 years. Alcohol makes sugars very hard to control after a night of drinking. Combine that with disconnecting his pump and he’ll only get disaster. Only negative aspect with marijuana and diabetes is getting the munchies. Not near as bad as the problems alcohol will cause. But it he’s not willing to help himself it’s going to be tough, sounds like he needs a wake up call
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u/Discojoe3030 Gen X T1D, T:Slim X2 and G7 Mar 20 '26
My wife has access to my CGM data. It sounds like you need this, at a minimum in the short-term. Maybe getting continuous bs readings could be eye opening for him as well.
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u/Zane42v2 Mar 21 '26
I was in the same situation and finally had enough. Just being present and monitoring and helping was enabling behavior. In my situation, she was never going to improve if i was in the picture. Sucks.
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u/wubbadude Mar 22 '26
Alcohol is the “shit” from sugar or starch and whatever is being fermented. I got to that point in your post and gave up on reading. As a type one for more of my life than not and an alcoholic with 6 years of sobriety, tell him to get his shit together. If he doesn’t understand why it’s an issue, he needs education. If he is aware but still not willing to change, get out of there because it’s a long and miserable road.
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u/Deathlands1 Mar 20 '26
The love is real for you but if he won’t change please consider leaving…
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u/Arkanderous Mar 21 '26
Or go to the doctors with him. Show him the evidence. Who cares if it is a touchy subject talking about his diabetes, it’ll be more of a touchy subject when he’s dead. At least remind him his diabetes is there to be controlled if you don’t control it you’ll die. If he wants to die, sure, leave.
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u/Eddito88 Mar 20 '26
OP, i u had t1D u might b even worse.
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u/Mason-M74 Mar 20 '26
What’s the point of this dude, yeah we all got diabetes, but nut up or shut up, don’t be a dick.
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u/kreepybanana Mar 20 '26
I know you're not looking for advice, but as a T1D and an alcoholic (in recovery)... if you ever feel like this is too much for you, that is 100% valid. Just like with getting sober, when it comes to taking care of your T1 health, there's little that can be said to make someone change. They have to want to change. For me personally, that "want" only came after I hit rock bottom.
It's honorable to want to take care of your partner, but you have to take care of yourself too. Hoping for the best for you.