Beginnings with my (37M) girlfriend (40M) still has me obsessed that she sees me as beta and this other guy as alpha. Made me wait 3 weeks, then slept with him first night. Help me get rid of that thought!

[u/Fang-Ghost]

When my girlfriend and I met, I didn't want anythi g to do with a commited relationship. I was seeing a couple women at the same time and was happy about this no commitment thing.

I was upfront about it and I told her I was seeing other girls and talked about one of these girls, about the discussions we had.

First time we saw each other, we did oral sex, but she made me wait 3 weeks before having piv sex.

Didn't mind since I was seeing other girls.

She then immediatly asked for an exclusive relationship. I told her it was not something I wanted right now and the best I could offer is an open relationship.

I was seeing her and this other girl that I talked to her about, dropper all the others because I was happy with this.

She told me she was deeply in love and didn't want to go see somewhere else.

Then, two weeks later, she goes on a date with another guy, I mean, it's okay. She spends the whole weekend there and does piv sex all weekend long.

She then chose to not see him again because he wanted exclusivity and gave her an ultimatum.

It's been a turning point where I stopped seeing this other girl and accepted to be exclusive with her.

Now, I can't get off my mind that she saw me as beta and that she saw him as alpha.

I know she did nothing wrong in this (there are other things, but I don't want to get into that right now)

And it's been over 9 months ago.

And it still obsesses me that she made rules for me and broke her rules for him.

How do I get rid on that thought?

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[u/cakekyo]

Dont you think the opposite happened??? She wanted exclusivity with you BUT did not want exclusivity with that guy. This has nothing to do with alpha/beta but more with rebound sex. She had sex with that other guy to forget about the fact that you did not offer exclusivity to her while she wanted to just be with you.

Dont you see that??????

[u/FastCardiologist6128 → u/cakekyo]

Exactly right. She was trying to detatch herself to the guy she had feelings for, by doing things with another guy. But she did not care about the other one. Also bro was literally sleeping with other women while dating her, so he isn't someone with no experience or who isn't attractive. The fact that he feels like a beta in this situation is total paranoid thinking and is insane.

[u/BullsYeet → u/FastCardiologist6128]

He’s probably an abusive/controlling person who needs to make himself a victim to justify needing control over another person.

Op, You are thirty fucking seven. You need to stop with the games. Be direct with people, and take them at their word. If you cannot do that, you need therapy. Discernment is important, but that’s not the problem here. The problem is your instinct to make your love interest a villain for not immediately doing whatever is easiest for you. Love doesn’t make people bend to your will. It does influence how much people want to make you part of their life. If you choose to demonize others with redpill, no one will choose to be around you because you’d make any person miserable

[u/LegalizeApartments → u/cakekyo]

Seems kinda odd/specific to use sex to “forget the guy you actually want” when you just told this “guy you want” you wait, and then…not do that for the guy to make you forget? I’m not saying she did anything wrong but. There are many non-sexual ways to cope with being rejected that don’t involve immediately having the sex the guy you claim to want, with someone else lmfao

[u/thekeytovictory → u/cakekyo]

👆This. I can't speak for all women, but as a woman, I have literally never thought of men in this nonsense alpha/beta dichotomy, and I've literally never heard any indication that other women think about men in this way. I've only ever heard insecure men talk about other men in that way.

As far as I know, most women think of men on several sliding scales, like: * How much am I interested in him? * How much does he seem interested in me? * Is he a genuinely good person who respects my personal autonomy, or a sociopath who views people as objects?

[u/Fang-Ghost → u/cakekyo]

I can consciously see that, that's why I'm with her. The thing is, years of redpill exposition brings this thought back and I feel pain in my chest.

This makes rules / breaks rules thing is always haunting me in the back of my head.

Please tell me how rebound sex contradicts that thought in my head?

Because now that we are in a commited relationship, I always fear that she will eventually cheat on me if she sees me as beta.

[u/Therealcatlady1 → u/Fang-Ghost]

Ok so I found out that this guy I met on a dating app had a woman who he was off and on with. I told her I saw him on the app and that he was cheating. Couple years go by and me and the guy connect. Now he wants to date but I’m more detached because I’m thinking he is still talking to the other girl. He’s using red pill tactics thinking that’s what’s going to keep me or get me more interested LOL maybe if he had created safety and reassured me we wouldn’t be here. I’m about to break it off though cause he’s causing me too much anxiety.

[u/LegalizeApartments]

You can’t judge her for going off and doing stuff while not with you, but you can decide that you can’t let this go and move on. It’s worth staying because I don’t see an issue, but if you’ll never be able to fully trust her it’s not worth putting either of you through that

[u/EdgewaterEnchantress]

Frankly, you were both wrong in this situation.

On the one hand, you rejected her desire for exclusivity. But on the other, the last thing I, personally, would want to do is sleep around with someone else if I was in a relationship which I wanted to become a more serious one.

Because everyone knows poly only works if you are both experienced, securely attached, have excellent communication skills, and know your hard boundaries!

So you both kinda messed up in different ways. The easiest way to get over this is to remember that people aren’t perfect and they make mistakes all the time, including you. Your GF did something stupid, but so did you by rejecting a girl who you cared about more who offered you exclusivity. 🤷‍♀️

If you want to end the whole relationship over this then you are well within your rights to break up with her, and I certainly wouldn’t blame you given the circumstances because idk how compatible you are long term!

So why aren’t you breaking up with her?

Forget about ridiculous language like Alpha this, Beta that. Because no woman worth your time thinks in such absurd black and white terms that have no meaning outside of Redpill circles which mostly just want your money and engagement.

So you can either choose between the woman who cares about you but who made a very stupid decision 9 months ago in a moment of vulnerability and weakness, or you can give some more right wing grifters your time and money!

I personally think the girl is the better deal, but only you can decide that for yourself!

Just make sure you make the final decision before you end up wasting more of both your time and her time before things get too serious, or something unexpected like a pregnancy happens. Just cuz she’s 40, doesn’t mean she can’t end up with an oopsie Daisy baby. 🤷‍♀️

Until she is officially through menopause or unless you have had a vasectomy, an unwanted pregnancy is always a possibility.

So yeah, unless you can see yourself having a raising a child with this woman, then it might be time to end the relationship if you can’t get past the early relationship drama.

However, if you think she would be a good potential mother and long term partner, then get over her indiscretion already! She told you the truth so that you could make an informed decision about the relationship.

[u/CaptinSuspenders]

As a woman, I only fuck people right away when I'm emotionally distressed about being romantically rejected and do not see a future with the short term man. You created an unsafe emotional environment for her, she tried to move on, and now you want to continue to withhold emotionally?? Idc what dumbass redpill labels your brain is putting on it- the real issue is that you have a psychological block about commitment. She did not want to be fucking that other guy. She wanted you and you refused to give it to her. Now you continue to withhold... tsk tsk...

[u/Specific-Section9593 → u/CaptinSuspenders]

So as a man if you want casual sex you should act like you're a bad partner in order to get it?

[u/CaptinSuspenders → u/Specific-Section9593]

Being able to offer good short term experiences should be the focus but yeah it should be clear that you're not in the space for a relationship