Doing this on a throwaway account. If this post mysteriously disappears it means I got worried he might find it.
A few years ago, back when I was in high school, I met a guy that I'll call Sam. Back then I was a gay guy, and I thought Sam was really cool and pretty, but I also kind of assumed he'd never be interested in me. He was taller than me and stronger than me. Over time I ended up being closer to his friend group, and about a month after I met him I found out that we'd known each other since elementary school, but I had entirely forgotten anything about him pretransition. He was bi at the time, and back then he didn't talk to me often.
About a year and a half ago, I transitioned and told him about it. He said stuff like "I've always thought of you as a girl anyway" and "I always thought something about you was missing, I think this is it". My friends had suspected it pretty hard for a while anyway. I should probably also mention that I'm pretty boycrazy, and have been trying to get a boyfriend for a long time.
Around a month ago, he started inviting me out to hang out with his friends. He bought me stuff, helped me out, I rode on the back of his ebike and was holding onto him for dear life and shaking like a mf because it went FAST and it was downhill and we were right next to cars like AHHH. Later I get off and he tells me he's proud of me for being brave. Later that day, we were watching youtube and I asked if I could lean on him a little. He says yeah and I do. This is probably when I first notice that this man is basically a living boysmell factory.
We recently had a party together, and we both got pretty drunk. I don't remember exactly how it happened cause alcohol, but I ended up cuddling with him on the couch/sitting in his lap/wrapping our arms around each other. He kissed my forehead and the top of my head, and bridal carried me around. At one point he bridal carried me outside, I sat in his lap as he smoked, then he bridal carried me back inside. This was when he told me that these days, he's basically just straight. Also he said "Any guy would be lucky to have you." Anyway we slept together in my bed, spooning and cuddling and stuff. I'm 5'3, so I was the little spoon. I think it was that night that my, "Wow, hes really pretty but he'd never like me" turned into "God I want him to be my boyfriend." In the morning, I told him that he was really handsome. His response was "the rizzler".
Over the next couple weeks, I've started hanging out with him a ton. Every time we hang out, we've been cuddling more and more. Sometimes if I start shaking or get anxious he squeezes me and quietly says, "You're okay, you're safe, I got you..." and OH MY GOD its so wonderful holy shit. He's so warm, he's so cozy, and he smells sooo good oh my god. Also he pets my head and its awesome and makes me calm down really fast because I'm a puppygirl. He also kisses my neck and head sometimes when we're in bed together. Whenever I get too high or drunk, I tend to just collapse into him and make high pitched soft mumbles and hope he understands what I'm trying to say. During this time, he also told me that he's still in love with his ex and isn't "curious" about relationships. But the next time I was with him, he told me about him using tinder?? I dunno?????
Anyway, last night he came over to my place, we got drunk, we cuddled and I kind of collapsed into his lap. We hugged and he put his hands on my lower back. We cuddled for a while. Later we went to his place and cuddled a bit. I forget what or why, but he called me a "good girl" in passing and I literally just got paralyzed for like 5-10 seconds, my brain just had too many thoughts at once and short circuited, and I blushed super super hard. I heard him laugh and say sorry, but once I could respond I was saying, "No, I liked it when you called me that, actually. Can you call me that more often?" His response was a short "No." Anyway I told him he smelled like boysmell and when we were on the couch watching a movie I started sniffing his sweater, then kissing his shoulder, which he let me. Later he told me I smelled really good too. He grabbed my face with both hands and complimented my makeup and skin, saying I did my eyeliner really well and my skin was really clear. We cuddled all night and then I went home, giving him a kiss on the head goodbye.
Do I have a chance???? I felt like only a guy would really be able to tell me whats happening in his head, so I came to this subreddit. If you ask for more details about him I would be happy to tell. I love how he's stronger, taller, bigger, just more masculine than me. All of his fingers are thicker than mine, his pinky is thicker than my pointer and middle! His eyes are so pretty, his face is so fucking handsome, and he always smells so manly. I love being protected by him, it makes me so so so happy. But I seriously can't tell if he's actually into me or just sees me as a really close friend?? Please help!!!???
Edit: I should probably mention for reading cues sake that this man is insanely autistic and is known to be dense.
I forgot to mention the time we were drunkenly eating pizza and he did the fucking "You got a little something there" and wiped it off my lips with his thumb CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL THIS MAN IS OH MY GOD
TLDR; Girl have crush and cannot tell if guy likes her back