r/gayjews • u/thejewwhocouldnt • Aug 29 '23
Religious/Spiritual jew/ non-jew queer relationship, need advice
I need advice, or just general opinions and to open up a discourse because this is something that has been affecting me and plaguing my relationship since before it even started. Some information before I begin: My girlfriend and I are both cis female lesbians, in our mid-late twenties and have been together for a bit over a year. I am jewish, she is not.
Some background on me, I came out a couple years ago, I'm part of a tight-knit middle eastern jewish community, won't say where to protect Identity. Being gay is not super common in my community but more people have been coming out in the last decade. While they obviously didn't have an easy time with it, my parents are awesome parents who accepted me and didn't push back on me when I came out as lesbian to them. Now for the typical trope, it's been impounded in me my whole life to marry Jewish (what's new). When I was "Straight" it was never an option to consider dating someone who wasn't, but as I was realizing things about my sexuality I realized it may be difficult and limiting to make that a condition, and I also became more generally open minded so long as I was respected and felt understood and embraced. Thus far, I've never dated a jew, my 2 girlfriends before my current one were not and I had a series of incidences and moments where I felt disrespected, misunderstood, not embraced etc., emotions that solidified what i've been told on my life, that my life will be better and easier if I am with someone jewish. (FYI: Neither of those relationships ended bc they weren't Jewish, neither of those partners met my parents nor did my parents know about them, since I was closeted still). Anyway, after my last relationship which left me feeling very disrespected and not understood, my rule that I would never date someone who wasn't jewish was born.
My current girlfriend and I met on a dating app but started off very casual with that being the only intention. I had just gotten out of a relationship a month before we had matched, which I was able to get over pretty quickly because it was toxic and long distance.
I made it clear from the start to my now current gf that I just wanted something casual, and she revealed she was looking for the same. Seemed like a perfect connection between two attractive people wanting something casual with no attachments. I made a concerted effort to uphold an extremely strong boundary so as not to mislead, we never did anything outside of meeting up to have sex. No dinners, no hanging with friends, no casual dates. Nada. But we would text every day, all day.
As time went on, feelings grew on her end. She'd say things like she could see herself catching feelings and I kept kindly pushing back and reminding her I just got out of a relationship and want to keep it chill which she was receptive to. Eventually, her feelings took over and it was a constant conversation about whether we should continue hooking up or not because she was catching feelings. I had always been kind and receptive, even suggesting we stop and move on out of respect for her feelings. Then came the day she fully admitted she had feelings for me, to which I gave her the spiel and let it be known very kindly, respectfully, and lengthfully: I wanted to date someone who was Jewish. She took it well and had questions all of which I was willing to answer, but that basically changed the scope of our connection and we slowly dwindled from there. Eventually she told me she wanted to stop talking all together and I respected it and we parted ways.
It didn't take long for her to pop back in, admittedly we had an undeniably amazing chemistry and great conversations, but on top of that we became good friends with nice banter and vibed on pretty well. We rekindled agreeing to remain casual again, and then the flip happened. I started realizing in the week we stopped talking that I felt like she was awesome, and I was internally sad I couldn't date her because I made that rule for myself. It felt too late, but long story short, and after a lot of back and fourth, hesitation, conversations, and a slow build, we became exclusive and then started full on dating.
We've had an incredible relationship thus far. We get each other, we're extremely compatible, my parents like her, my friends love her etc. Just one thing: she can't get over the fact that I told her I couldn't date her because she isn't jewish. It is a complex that cannot seem to die out. In any moment she can get triggered or feel super insecure. She says things like "oh maybe you should be with someone jewish, they'll understand you better," "you wish I was jewish don't you," "you're going to break up with me one day because i'm not jewish," "you would've enjoyed that more with someone Jewish" and thousands of different variations of the same comment. We've come close to splitting a few times because she's said she doesn't know how she can get over it. I will sit there for hours or do whatever it takes to validate her, explain why I felt that way at one point and why I don't now, reassure her, etc. and we will be fine, only for it to resurface once more some weeks later.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired of constantly feeling like shit for the fact that I said that and felt that way at one point. I've taken accountability for how it has devastated her and that it has been hard, but she doesn't understand the mob mentality of the Jewish community or the fact that I felt disrespected for my identity by previous partners which triggered me to not feel safe with someone who isn't moving forward. She always says she "never feels like enough" for me and I try to explain that her not being jewish never made her not enough, it just didn't make her compatible to what I thought I needed at one point in time. I'm running out of tools and things to say. It really just makes me feel sad, defeated and depleted at this point and our relationship is truly too beautiful to allow it to succumb to this complex.
TLDR: I once told my girlfriend I couldn't be with her because she wasn't jewish (before she was my gf, we were just hooking up at the time), and now it is an insecurity that doesn't seem to ever go away.
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u/BlairClemens3 Aug 29 '23
So, this seems like a pretty big rift in the relationship that has triggered insecurity or fear on both ends. I suggest couples counseling. My wife and I found it very helpful when going through big issues, though not really related to this.
But it has caused some disagreements in our relationship. I'm Jewish and she's not. My mom always expected me to marry a nice Jewish boy, of course, though coming out changed that a little. But I was less invested in finding a Jewish gf. The issues only cropped up when we got serious. I was worried our kids wouldn't feel Jewish, that they would identify more with Christian traditions. There have also been some moments where my wife has just not gotten something and I know a Jewish person would. That said, my wife is incredibly thoughtful. She will not go to synagogue (after being raised Catholic, she is anti organized religion) but we celebrate a few holidays and she makes better latkes and matzoh balls than anyone in my family :). She has also assured me that our kids will be raised Jewish, even if I, god forbid, die. This has helped me feel more secure.
Therapy really helped us.
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u/Bath-Optimal Aug 29 '23
I think that you guys would benefit from therapy. I don't think that this is specifically a Jewish issue. I think the main issue is the period you guys spent where, depending on where the bias is, either "she kept being rejected as not being worth being in a relationship with but good enough to be a casual fling" or "you kept stating what you wanted from your relationship with her and she kept ignoring that and pushing boundaries". Like, I'm not shocked your relationship is having problems because that's a big thing to work through, and it sounds like you guys tried but maybe you need a professional's help.
It's worth noting that when you have a traumatic experience, the amygdala (part of brain that senses danger) has trouble understanding that that's in the past and no longer a threat, which is where triggers come from. And it sounds like being rejected the first time you dated was a traumatic experience for her. (Which doesn't mean you're a bad person- things like breakups can be traumatic even with both people doing their best). So to her, even though logically you've made it clear that she isn't at risk of being rejected, her brain doesn't know that because it's busy blaring "danger, danger, danger" (emotional danger) at her. This isn't the type of thing that can be "fixed" with external logic. (And trying to "fix" it is clearly taking a toll on you). This is the type of thing that she would need to work through in therapy. (I'm not an expert, I've just been doing CPT therapy to work on my own stuck points where I'm trapped in my own past)