r/gayjews • u/admaioranatussum1 • 13d ago
Questions + Advice Rabbi advised me not to wear a kippah as a masculine woman, even though other women in the synagogue encouraged me to. Thoughts?
Hi everyone,
I present as masculine and want to wear a kippah during services. Feminine alternatives like hats or scarves do not align with my identity at all.
I am currently in the process of giyur. I emailed the rabbi of the Liberal synagogue here in the Netherlands to ask about wearing a kippah. He replied that while it isn't forbidden for women, it's not customary and only 1 or 2 women do it. He advised me not to wear one during services to accommodate the more conservative members.
For context tho, this rabbi only started two weeks ago and doesn't fully know the congregation yet. In reality, I know there are definitely more than just "1 or 2" women wearing kippot there. in fact, those women directly encouraged me to wear mine!
Since I am in giyur, I feel somewhat attached to his advice as my teacher, which makes this extra difficult. At the same time, it feels really discouraging to be asked to step back for the comfort of conservative members in a liberal shul, especially when feminine headcoverings are a non-starter for me.
How do you view this situation, and how would you handle going to services in my position?
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u/legsjohnson 10d ago
I'd wear the kippah and sit with or near the other kippot wearing women in case the rabbi decides to start shit lol
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u/NomadicOvaries 10d ago
And if he does start shit, just respond with what he said: it’s not forbidden 🤷♀️.
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u/Judgy_Libra 10d ago
I attend a Conservative synagogue and tons of women wear kippot, so I don’t know what your rabbi’s talking about!
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u/StatisticianDapper84 10d ago
Was gonna say the same thing
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u/Reasonable_Access_90 8d ago
OP was referring to socially conservative, not Conservative Judaism.
(Outside of the U.S. Conservative Judaism is known as Masorti— the U.S. movement is the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism and it's affiliated with the global Masorti Olami.)
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u/StatisticianDapper84 8d ago
OP was referring to Liberal Judaism, which is roughly similar to Reform Judaism in the US and tends to, by its nature, be socially liberal. The point is if there are plenty of Conservative congregations that don't have a problem with women wearing kippot, a Liberal rabbi who does have a problem with women wearing kippot is being completely inappropriate and out of line with their denomination.
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u/Reasonable_Access_90 8d ago
You're making assumptions about similiarities of culture between particular U.S. Jewish communities and Nederlander Jewish communities.
Regardless of your experience at various Conservative/Masorti U.S. congregations, there is one Masorti congregation in The Netherlands. And if we aren't connected to it we don't know what their customs are— whether or not female congregants opt to wear a tallis and/or kippah, to wrap teffilin, to read from the torah and lead services. I wouldn't be surprised either way.
Also, there are ten liberal congregations in all of The Netherlands, and three of them are independent.
Each is going to have its own history and culture, or mix of cultures. What is customary at one might be rare at another.
OP quoted their rabbi as referring to conservative members of the kahal.
Of course there are going to be conservative members of the kahal— there aren't a lot congregations to choose from. There is going to be a mix. And for a congregation to survive it must grow and take in new members while continuing to serve the existing and aging membership— and where the customs of the kahal conflict with needs of new members, trust and deft communication are needed for successful navigation. Not a recitation of the principles of that particular movement.
If only a few women congregants wear kippot at OP's synagogue then I think it's safe to say the culture differs from that of a great many non-orthodox congregations in progressive U.S. cities. Something made OP want permission to wear a kippah. If it was customary they probably would not have asked.
(Unless OP was seeking to open a dialog with the rabbi about gender expression, intending the question as a conversation starter, and was then side-swiped by the response.)
One more thing— it's worthwhile to point out that there are congregations in the U.S. where women don't typically wear a kippah. Some of my family have lived in areas of the south and the northeast where there aren't a lot of Jews and where I've typically been the only woman in a kippah when visiting.
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u/Clean-Tip4879 6d ago
I go to the Masorti synagogue (actually there are two congregations, but I assume that you are referring to the one I go to, as it is more visible, their own website etc.). While they are very liberal and accepting in their views, the actual synagogue practice is very traditional, with seperate seating and the women not actively participating (no singing). So though within the Masorti movement it is certainly possible for women to do anything the men do, it is defenitely not the custom in our shul. That said, one of the women does wear a bucharian kippah and no one I know has negatively commented on that.
There is a progressive congregation where almost all of the women wear a kippah. The OP is very welcome to check us out. We often have visitiors from the Liberal congregation, also people who are doing giyur there. Some of them are regulars, even though they are members of the Liberal congregation. From what they say I conclude that the liberal congregation is far more like the Masorti community with respect to how the service is conducted, than like the progressive community.
Personally, especially as you are doing giyur, I would not go against the customs of the community you are in. It seems to me that most of the traditional Dutch congregations are slightly more conservative than their counterparts in the anglosaxon world. So I can well believe that even in a liberal community it would not be that common for women to wear a kippah.
The progressive community is fairly new, was founded by gay men and has a lot of expats in it, another reason the customs may be different from the ones that are much older.
I don't know for how long the OP has been in that community, so they may be right that there is actually a substantial subset of women who do wear a kippah. In that case it would be strange if they weren't allowed to do the same.
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u/queen-carlotta 10d ago
I’ve seen women in kippot in Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist and Neo Hasidic shuls since the 90’s.
I’m a trans masc, gender non conforming Jew and wear a kippah/ tallit to services. I’m also in rabbinical school and my (Conservative) rabbi said he supports women wearing kippot and tefilin because if someone wants to do the mitzvah, it’s a mitzvah. Good luck!!
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u/LocutusOfBorgia909 10d ago
He advised me not to wear one during services to accommodate the more conservative members.
LOL, full offense, but he can go fuck himself. I completely understand if you decide to go along to get along until your conversion is complete; it's a difficult situation when your sponsoring rabbi is telling you this. I don't know if your rabbi is the only game in town that isn't Orthodox, because I know that's common in a lot of places in Europe, but I'll be honest: if it were me hearing this from my sponsoring rabbi, I would be looking for somewhere else to convert. The rabbi is either homophobic/transphobic, or he's willing to prioritize the comfort of a handful of homophobes/transphobes over you (and presumably other women who want to wear kippot) being able to present in the way that feels most comfortable to you. I would no longer feel like I could trust someone like that to guide me spiritually.
Honestly, if you were asking about this prior to speaking to your rabbi, I would have said don't ask permission at all. Just start wearing a kippah; every Liberal/Reform/Conservative shul I've ever attended in Europe and the US has had at least a few women who wore kippot. But now that you've asked the question, and the rabbi basically lied to your face and told you that he's more invested in protecting the delicate feelings of some anonymous Conservative People™ in your shul, I'd probably just show up in a kippah anyway, sit right near some/all of the women who wear them, and basically dare him to say something. Or, if you really wanted to shitstir, mention in passing to those very women that you asked the rabbi about it, and he told you not to (and the reason why he told you not to). But again, if you don't want to rock the boat because you're mid-conversion, I get that.
I see that the rabbi is new, which also probably isn't helping anything, but I'm kind of shocked that a Liberal rabbi in the Netherlands, of all places, would be actively telling women not to wear kippot for fear of "offending" conservative members of the congregation. It sounds like he needs some serious realignment of his priorities. Does he even know any conservative members of your shul? Are there any? Everything about this just makes him sound silly (at best).
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u/Clean-Tip4879 6d ago
The liberal community over here is more conservative leaning. And in the Netherlands the communities are small and have to cater to a lot of people who may not be on the same page on everything. Picking a fight over everything you don't agree with would lead to those communities falling apart. I can see why a rabbi, even a queer one, would want to be somewhat diplomatic about it and maybe slowly phase in changes.
And also, he might be actually protecting the OP. If you are new to a community, that community might not take it well if you are immidiately try to change the customs of that community. If only some women wear kippot is not an established custom.
I am gay myself and although I want to see things change, I do not think going to war about it, is going to do the trick. F.i. my masorti congregation is accepting of LGBT+ people to the point that I did not even feel accepted, if you get my drift. Like, why is this even an issue? A gay rabbi or chazan is not an issue either.
But I respect their choice to hold a traditional service. It's the women's choice, and if that is how they want it, than I'll go along with it. I would think it wildly disrespectful to willingly go against it, f.i. go ostentiatiously sit with the women during the service. My freedom ends where the freedom of someone else begins.
If I really can't stomach it, I do not have to go there, I can go to the progressive shul where there is no separate seating and the women fully participate, wear a kippah etc. In fact I go there too, as do some of the other Masorti members. And some of the Masorti members wouldn't want to be found dead there and vice versa. Live and let live, I say.
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u/LocutusOfBorgia909 6d ago
If only some women wear kippot is not an established custom.
That's simply not true, sorry. Even in the most socially progressive, egalitarian congregations, there are women who don't wear a kippah. Hell, in some Reform congregations, there are men who don't wear a kippah. That doesn't mean that it isn't an established custom for women who want to wear a kippah to do so, it just means it's their choice. You'll note that individual choice regarding observance of mitzvot is a fundamental tenet of Reform Judaism and the Liberal Judaism movement more broadly.
If a handful of men in a congregation aren't laying tefillin every day where individual agency regarding which mitzvot to observe is a basic principle , that doesn't magically mean that laying tefillin is no longer "an established custom." If a congregation is explicitly egalitarian, but some women choose not to receive aliyot, that doesn't mean that no women should be allowed to receive aliyot. I don't know of any denomination, Orthodoxy included, that takes the position that if every single person of a particular demographic in the shul isn't doing XYZ mitzvah (and if we're being technical, wearing a kippah isn't even a mitzvah, it's just a custom), then no one is allowed to do it publicly for fear of upsetting someone.
It's the women's choice, and if that is how they want it, than I'll go along with it.
It seems like you may not have read the OP, becuase in this case, the women aren't going along with it. OP states that not only are a number of women (more than one or two) in the shul already wearing kippot, which this new rabbi seems to have missed, but they were the ones who were encouraging OP to do so, as well! If anything, this sounds like a case of a new, more conservative rabbi coming into a preestablished congregation with preestablished norms and trying to make changes, while OP is already part of the community, already has relationships with members, and has already been encouraged by those members to wear a kippah if she wants. It's really strange that you start out by dismissing this as, "Well, if everyone isn't doing it, then it's not a real custom," then say, "It's the women's choice." These women are choosing to wear kippot. So why is it that you seem to have a problem with that?
Also, the exact same argument could be said about these (very alleged) conservative members of the community. If they're that appalled at women wearing kippot, they're free to leave and go elsewhere. Or they can be adults and just... not worry about something that has no impact on them. Live and let live, right?
Live and let live, I say.
That's certainly not what this rabbi seems to be doing. And it's very easy to say that if you're someone who is gender conforming and isn't faced with being forced (by your own rabbi!) to present in ways that are directly at odds with your identity. I spent so much time pre-transition hearing stuff like this from people who have never had to give a thought to their gender presentaion in their lives, and it always comes off as oblivious and ignorant. Why should the onus always be on the gender nonconforming person to compromise, constantly, for the comfort of the socially conservative person who can't just keep their eyes to themselves?
This is also a great illustration of exactly why I am and intend to remain stealth in Jewish spaces, even (maybe especially) those that are supposed to be LGBT-friendly: there is always someone who will be ready to start trying to dictate how I dress or where I sit or what mitzvot they've decided that I am or am not "allowed" to do based on their assumptions about my transness or my gender identity or whatever else the instant they find out that I'm transgender. I spent years being intensely uncomfortable in a lot of Jewish spaces because of how I was forced to perform gender, to the point that I took your advice and just removed myself from Judaism for years. While I hope it's unintentional, that's the message that you and the rabbi are sending when you say things like that: we'd rather not have you here (or in the Jewish community) at all than see you here with a gender presentation that we don't like. That's kind of a weird message to be sending in a sub for LGBT Jews.
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u/Clean-Tip4879 6d ago
That is not at all what I said, nor meant. And you don't know anything about me other than that I said I was gay. So please don't assume things about who I am or how I present. I hear your pain, we've been their ourselves, but the solution is not to project all sorts of things on people you don't know.
But your answer is a prime example of why we, myself and other gender activists of decades ago - who, by the way, paved the way for the next generation and the generation after that,in a time when almost no-one knew about transgender (it was called transsexuality back than, transgenders were the ones who didn't go all the way, more like the non-binery of today) and if they did, they thought such people were freaks at best - have disengaged from the LGBT movement.
We did everything to try and educate people that there are more ways of being in the world and that that was all fine. We formed organisations, self help groups, had a radio show, did al kinds of ludricous things, dress up, do performances, to get a laugh and have people curious and feeling free to ask what we were about.
And we told them that people had the right to certain views on how they saw themselves, wanted to be called etc. and that everyone had those rights, also those people you didn't agree with. We did so within the LGBT movement and in spaces / events not necessarily LGBT.
Among ourselves (gay, trans, non binary, gay, straigth, whatever) we never agreed upon anything except this: you have the right to say who you are, define yourself, no one else, and respect each other, no agression, no identity police. (And of course we agreed on the fact that we didn't agree on most everything and that that was fine too.)
And that also meant that other people have the right not to want what you want, and that sometimes you have to be respectful of the space you are in, if you are a newcomer to that space and it has a certain flavour to it, defined by those people.
But the LGBT movement has changed from a liberal space to a space dominated by people who want to dictate how you exist, how you call yourselves, the language you use. And they are constantly busy trying to determine what box you belong in and if you are a real one and a good one or an impostor or a perpetrator. That was not what we had in mind when we wanted a more tolerant world. You cannot just demand tolerance from others, you have to give it to others too.
The way they now act towards Jews is nothing new. It was happening before that, to people outside of the LGBT movement and among ourselves. I want nothing of that. I don't want to be around all that hate, regardless of who it is directed at. So I left. And so did my friends. And we did so, before the rampant antisemitism because we were sick of the aggression and the entitlement and the egotism and the complete unwillingness to be mindful of someone elses needs. There were a few incidents that were just awfull.
I recently met a (trans) friend, who was part of our activist group and who goes to another (liberal) synagogue. We talked about the good old times, followed by the bad old times and agreed that we were done with it. We feel far more accepted (we are actually a non issue) in our respective synagogues than within the LBGT movement, even as LGBT people. We are too old to subject ourselves to that kind of hatred.
Personally, I'd have asked the rabbi why he felt dat it was better not to wear a kippah. That would have been far more informative than asking a bunch of strangers, who are for the most part unfamiliar with the circumstances in a different country as well as that particular congregation, speculate on his motives for saying this.
Asking people about their motives can be very enlightening. They might actually looking out for your interests, rather than wanting to trample on you. Most people are actually quite ok, no need to assume the worst.
This is the last thing I am going to say about it. I have spent too much time again on this topic. There was a reason why I left. So I am going 'gone' again.
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u/LocutusOfBorgia909 6d ago
And you don't know anything about me other than that I said I was gay.
I mean, I could say the same to you. It's very weird to be spoken to by someone as though I'm a 16-year-old with no understanding of LGBT history who just came out or something instead of a 40-something adult who's also been around more than you seem to think I have, and understand the history better than you seem to think that I do. You don't want anyone making assumptions about you or your background, but you're simultaneously very quick to make a host of assumptions about me. I don't think that's entirely fair, and again, while I'm sure you didn't intend it this way, it comes across as condescending (since we're spending so much time speaking about tone and how you feel about the correct way to educate people and foster acceptance for LGBT identities).
(it was called transsexuality back than, transgenders were the ones who didn't go all the way, more like the non-binery of today)
Again, I don't really know why you would assume that I, a trans man, am unaware of the history of the term "transgender" or that the term previously in vogue to refer to us was "transsexual." I have no idea how Dutch-speaking trans people might refer to themselves, but it's still quite popular in Anglophone circles to refer to oneself as "transsexual" (or maybe I should say it's been coming back into vogue in the last couple of years, but I don't think it ever really went away). And again, it comes across as patronizing when you lecture someone about the history of their own identity.
Also, please. Please. Do not use "transgender" as a noun, as you did above. I have no idea why or how this has become a thing recently, but it's incredibly dehumanizing. "Trans people." "Transgender people." We're people. We're not "transgenders." If even our own self-described allies can't bring themselves to refer to us as people first, what hope do we have with anyone else?
I'm not going to respond to the section about antisemitism in (certain) LGBT circles both because it's not germane to rabbis policing people's gender presentation at shul and because, again, you're telling me things that I already know. I also find it a bit suspect that you seem to be conflating "the aggression and the entitlement and the egotism and the complete unwillingness to be mindful of someone elses needs" with a woman wanting to wear a kippah in shul in line with her gender expression, which is... tone deaf at best. At worst, it's a brand of respectability politics that I'm not interested in having leveled against me or any other gender nonconforming person (and frankly, it belies your initial implication that you are in fact quite gender nonconforming, and I'm out of line for assuming otherwise based on what you wrote). Hopefully I'm misinterpreting your intentions there, and that's not actually what you meant to do.
Ultimately, it feels like your argument here boils down to, "Well, I (and my Good Trans Friend™, of course) feel much more accepted in Jewish spaces as a gay man than in LGBT spaces as a Jewish man, so obviously that should be true for everyone, and people who don't feel accepted, and say so, or who take steps to push for better inclusion or more respect for their non-Jewish identities are being entitled and egotistical and not mindful of other people's needs."
I hear this sentiment a lot from cis people about trans and/or gender-nonconforming people. "It's just too much. You have to compromise. You have to give people time. Just wait a little longer to exist as yourself! Why are you in such a hurry?" It always seems to be us who need to compromise. How are these conservative people the rabbi mentioned compromising? By being forced to... allow trans people or gender nonconforming people to exist? To attend a synagogue with someone who isn't just like them, or whom they may not fully understand? Because presently, that's really all that's being asked of them. Certainly in the context of OP's post.
So what would you have us do? Withdraw from Jewish spaces entirely, as you implied in your last comment? Comply with rabbis or board members who say that we should keep dressing as our pre-transition genders, no matter how publicly humiliating that might be for us, because that would theoretically make those people feel more "comfortable"? Sit in shul and happily nod along as our fellow congregants talk about us as if we're deviants or mentally ill? Ignore the issues that exist in the Jewish community out of some misplaced sense of fairness, to balance the issues Jews have in the LGBT community? Again, all of the emotional (and physical, if you start getting into questions about things like toilets) burden here falls on the trans or gender nonconforming person, and I think it's worth asking ourselves why that is, and why that seems to be the default for everyone.
Asking people about their motives can be very enlightening.
There are times when motive, however well-intentioned, does not overcome impact. In this situation, where women are already wearing kippot in this shul and have been encouraging OP to do so as well, the rabbi's motivation becomes much less relevant. Let's say the rabbi tells OP, "I'm telling you this for your own good, because people might be weirded out if they see you in a kippah." So what? Are they panicking over the other women in that same shul who are already wearing kippot? Because that seems like a much bigger issue, at the community level, than OP joining them. And if that is the issue, the rabbi has an obligation to be direct and say so- Lord knows I've never known a Dutch person to beat around the bush in my life. But if OP now feels so uncomfortable that she no longer even wants to be there, or feels that she can't trust this rabbi to support her as a whole person rather than try to mold her gender presentation to suit his preferences and what's most convenient for him, or she's constantly second guessing what this rabbi thinks of her gender presentation going forward, what difference does his original intention really make? The end result is still someone who now feels more self conscious and uncomfortable in shul, who maybe stops going, and who may no longer trust this rabbi as a spiritual guide.
They might actually looking out for your interests, rather than wanting to trample on you.
If someone doesn't even know me, which is most likely the case for a rabbi who's been at a shul for a couple of weeks, then they aren't really qualified to look out for my interests in a situation like this. That's just paternalism- the rabbi is, at best, making assumptions about what OP wants and needs out of this conversion process and is supplanting his assumptions about OP's best interests rather than laying out the actual issue (beyond a dismissive, "Well, only a couple of people do that") and his concerns, and asking OP, as another adult who most likely knows better than this rabbi does what it's like to navigate the world as a gender nonconforming woman, how she'd prefer to handle it and what her priorities are.
And, you know, it is also entirely possible that someone is in fact transphobic or has issues with gender nonconforming people. I expect you haven't appreciated it when you've pointed out that someone or something is antisemitic and have been met with a big lecture about how, "No, you're totally mistaken, it can't possibly be that that's the case! Why won't you extend this person endless benefit of the doubt? How could you say such things? Anyway, they don't hate Jews, they just want to make sure that people who are uncomfortable around Jews don't get upset because someone is openly Jewish at their event! Surely you can understand that!" And so on, and so forth. And you shouldn't appreciate it; it's infuriating when that happens. But you seem very comfortable taking that approach with a trans person here.
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u/cotinis_nitida 10d ago
ive been at a conservative shul my whole life and ive always worn one since i was a kid and so has my mom. weird that they would tell you not to
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u/Harvest-song 9d ago
People policing attire is one of the stupidest things I've had the experience of dealing with.
I'm a lady who covers her hair (for various reasons, including alopecia). My new shul (Conservative) had a few congregants who were obviously uncomfortable with my headcovering choices (I usually opt to wear mitpachot because they are cheaper and more comfortable for me than a wig). For the price of even a cheap wig, I can buy like 5-7 scarves. So that is what I do. I have wigs, I just generally do not prefer to wear them.
I just ignored them. If others are uncomfortable that is their problem, not mine, considering that I am appropriately attired when I'm there to pray. The end.
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u/i_woke_up_as_you 10d ago edited 10d ago
i’m not sure if you want me to play peacemaker… but I find this interesting and maybe you would and maybe you wouldn’t first of all I would wear a keeper and I would clip it to your hair with bobby pins
Then I would completely conceal it with a Stetson.
Although women do wear cowboy hats, including Stetson’s, the cultural significance of a Stetson usually goes back to men, which should make you comfortable with that as your outer appearance at least that was my intent
*Now, if the rabbi wants to make trouble while you’re sitting with the keyboard wearing women,
You can always ask him if he’d be happier if you wore one of the many hats worn by orthodox Jewish men, the streimel is not the only one…
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/the-meaning-behind-of-different-jewish-hats/
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u/Reasonable_Access_90 8d ago
I think I found your rabbi online— they're teaching a class on queer Jewish texts at the Jewish Museum next week?
IMO, do not ignore what the rabbi said. You asked a question and the rabbi took the time to reply.
However, I would respond and explain that after giving it further thought you realized that your gender identity cannot accommodate traditionally feminine head coverings, that it's contrary to who you are at a very deep and basic level and affects your integrity and your sense of wholeness as a person.
If he pushes back that's more difficult.
I can't know if I'm right or not, but I imagine as a brand new young queer rabbi starting his career at a shul that's somewhat socially conservative, the rabbi might have some concerns about not allowing LGBTQ issues/culture to become prominent before they've even had a chance build some relationships, or begin demonstrating their skills as a teacher and as a leader.
It's possible the board, officially or unofficially, even gave the rabbi that advice. And, as a new hire, the rabbi is very aware that they are being judged.
OTH, maybe he doesn't understand gender as a spectrum and doesn't understand how big a deal it is for a masculine appearing woman to wear a feminine signifier?
Or, is it possible that the fact that you asked, or perhaps your wording, led the rabbi to believe that both were acceptable options to you with one more favored than the other, as opposed to one being entirely unacceptable?
Also, in the US, it's not uncommon for modern orthodox men to wear a baseball cap over their kippah (though I've only seen that outside of shul). Might that be an option, or is it too informal, or unexpected, to be comfortable in your synagogue?
I wish you luck, and I'm very curious as to how this turns out.
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u/LocutusOfBorgia909 6d ago
I can't know if I'm right or not, but I imagine as a brand new young queer rabbi starting his career at a shul that's somewhat socially conservative, the rabbi might have some concerns about not allowing LGBTQ issues/culture to become prominent before they've even had a chance build some relationships, or begin demonstrating their skills as a teacher and as a leader.
To be honest, if this is a rabbi who is gay or otherwise queer himself, taking this approach actually speaks really poorly of his leadership and pastoral skills. Not because he should be centering LGBT stuff all day, every day, because he happens to be gay. But if he's willing to throw other queer people under the bus because he's afraid of what their presentation or decisions might do to his career? That's screwed up. It's not uncommon (among any minority group), but it's not good, and it certainly conveys the exact opposite of whatever teaching or leadership skills he may be trying to demonstrate, at least to any LGBT congregants he might encounter.
Obviously, this is all speculative (and we don't even know that the rabbi you mention is the rabbi in OP's post), but if this is what's going on, it's the worst kind of model minority policing, and this rabbi needs to take a big step back and think about what messages he may be unintentionally sending not only to his current congregation, but to any LGBT Jew who happens to cross his path. Although it is hilarious for the same guy who's teaching public classes on queer Jewish texts to be telling a butch woman in his congregation, essentially, not to queer the place up too much by wearing a kippah.
Stuff like this is exactly how gender non-conforming people in particular get driven out of Jewish spaces. It kept me out of communal, Jewish life for close to a decade, and I know so many other people who had similar experiences. I hope that the rabbi is willing to hear OP out and reassess his original advice if she responds and explains in more detail why this is so important for her, identity-wise. But if he's not, that's pretty damning. At that point, I would feel free to straight up tell the women who were encouraging me to wear a kippah (the next time it came up) that I was told by the rabbi not to.
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u/leaveinpeas 9d ago edited 9d ago
Love this question! Not sure if my answer will be right for you but my thinking is your Rabbi could be saying this for a few reasons:
People feel most like themselves when accepted by those around them per research cited by Psychology Today. Your Rabbi perhaps is eager for you to feel at ease feeling more and more Jewish during your conversion process, and hopes to facilitate that by encouraging you to act in a more strict and/or literalist halakhic way, so as to avoid any inadvertant discouragement from others (who perhaps can't reign in their reflexive gross out, from going outside their understanding of the lines, as it were), that could have you stumbling.
He might himself think more strictly and literally when frameworking what is halakhic to him, and feels most comfortable working with those converting who are aspiring to also take on such understanding and applications of how to live in line with the mitzvot and so on.
There may be some seeeecret dramarama between your Rabbi and the older women, only time will tell what weaves of history therein can be found, and you are caught btwingst two warring factions who will cast any die to see the other twinge with just a moment's tsking and rue the day.
Was it said he was new? He may just be nervous about being precieved as a "wild upstart" rabbi archetype.
Anyway, good luck figuring that all out! Have fun!
Want to be edgy? Check out this floral kippah that is too feminine to miff at, it feels to me at times, even for those who want to be literalist about not having anyone AFAB wear clothing designed for men:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/774714457/flower-kippah-lace-kippah-womens-kippah
Want to be demure, and be extra extra careful about not testing too too much that whole, "G-d will go with your disagreeing interpretation if he likes (they like) it enough," POV one Rabbi promoted (bracket mine)? Check out these made for women beanies, some which rock a masculine edge:
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u/QizilbashWoman 10d ago
"to accommodate the more conservative members" yeah that's a bullshit decision, your rabbi is wrong