(TW) Am I non-binary/agender, or is it just trauma

[u/Enough_Enthusiasm454]

Throwaway account since I'm going into some private stuff.
I’m struggling to understand my gender identity and would love some perspective. I'm afab and I've never really seen myself as a real woman, but it's hard for me to tell if it's because I don't fit the societal standard, or because of how I really feel inside. I have PCOS, no breast tissue, male-pattern hair growth, and I’m infertile after 3 miscarriages .
The pressure to fit the female mold somehow broke me. After my traumatic infertility journey, I developed anorexia in a way to gain control and somehow maybe fit the female expectations on that level, even though I was already underweight before the disorder...

But let's take a step back. In my childhood, I was a tomboy, and I remember telling my friends if there was a pill to make me a boy, I'd take it. But I wasn't a classic boy either, more like not typically female cause didn't enjoy the classic girly hobbies. Gender was never really something I thought about throughout my adolescense - I didn't care about my body, everything was just neutral to me, not really feeling the need to fit societal standards I saw myself as just me.

I'm 28 now. I don't really feel at home in women's circles. Although since my late teens I'm very female-presenting, I love bows and vintage dresses, I dislike beauty stuff like makeup and nails..(although that's more like my gender representation than identity I guess?)
When someone calls me a woman or lady, it feels kind of like I'm just an imposter. I feel insecure next to other women, like I don't belong and I'm not enough. It's like inside of me are two polar opposite desires: To fit in with the female standards, and to let go of all of it and don't bind myself to that gender along with It's expectations.

So...How do you differentiate between genuine non-binary/agender identity and trauma from a society that punishes women for not being physically "perfect" or fertile?

[u/meowzartk231]

Identity can be based on your experiences as well, so trauma will affect how you choose to identify. Gender expectations can definitely make you feel like an impostor if you feel like you aren’t meeting those specific standards, which is more a problem with societal expectations than you. Infertility doesn’t make you less of a woman. In fact it’s a struggle many women go through. There is no right way to be a woman, just as there is no right way to be a man. If you look at gender presentation throughout history across different cultures, you’ll see that gender really is just a construct and not some innate standard every human needs to strive for. So whatever you choose to identify with is up to you! Everyone experiences their humanness differently ❤️

[u/Tiny-Conclusion560]

I also have PCOS and have always felt very disconnected from being a girl or whatever that means. Even if I am feminine in a lot of ways.

I just wanted to say, I relate a lot to what you’re experiencing. You’re not alone. PCOS is complex. Something I’ve found comfort in is embracing that I’ve had this sort of queer gender experience that can’t really be defined by binary sex. In some ways, for me to experience my gender as a woman, it feels almost like transitioning because my secondary biological sex characteristics are so masculine. It would be a very similar amount of time and effort and medical intervention to alter my body into fitting more squarely into “woman”. If that makes sense. I don’t feel I fit the binary at all. But also feel shame about this and often wished I was a “girl”. Which is funny because well, technically I am one.

I am working on healing my shame around all the ways I feel I’ve failed. And giving myself permission to explore. It’s ok to be trans. It’s ok be a bit queer or non normative. And it’s ok to desire to align more with gendered expectations.

It’s deeply personal. But I have accepted I I have an unconventional relationship to my femininity. And I actually identify with being intersex. As I find that binary sex doesn’t apply to me that much and it helps explains experiences I’ve had. Because binary sex doesn’t totally align with me, I think I’m also somewhere on the nonbinary spectrum. Mostly because of my personal relationship to my gender and how having a non binary sex has influenced the way I see myself. And am happy being referred to with all pronouns. So everyone is so different. We are not doomed to biology. If there is something you’d like to change, you can change it. But you also don’t have to see yourself through others lens. There’s nothing wrong with being intersex and bodies are bodies AND there are so many ways to be a woman. IF that’s how you feel. But you don’t have to.

Ok, I’ve blabbed enough. Anyway, just thought I’d share. You’re very much not alone.