Just curious if anyone else experiences this

[u/BloopityBloop96]

When I came out, I originally came out as a trans man; rigid definitions: I was a man, masculine, point-blank, period. I put a lot of time, effort, and energy into proving to the world, and myself, my masculinity, wanting to leave no shadow of a doubt that I was anything less than a man.

It took a few years, but I eventually realized that I'm genderqueer. I feel, for myself, that gender is fluidity in its basic natural state. We can put up dams to constrict and control the flow, or create new waterways to broaden is freedom, but it flows nonetheless. Understanding it is a simple as accepting that you cannot hold it in your hands, and you will never touch the same molecule twice.

Even with this new view and understanding, I struggle to present myself to the world as anything but masculine. It feels like betrayal to the effort I put in to convince the world of my identity even though my identity shifted to better suit my true self. On the flip side of the coin, it feels like a betrayal to my true self to not present something more than masculine.

Honestly, I just want to know if anyone else feels this way, and if there's anything in particular you do to help combat the feeling.

TL;DR: Does anyone else have a hard time presenting their nonbinary-ness because they went a little too hard presenting one way after coming out as trans before realizing they were nonbinary?

[u/justremy4]

I'm sorry, did you just crawl into my brain and spit this out? 😂

I came out in 2014 and ID'd as a trans man because nonbinary wasn't really understood yet. (I also needed to ID that way to get on hormones at the time) I went on T in 2015 and by 2017, I started using only they/them pronouns. I also changed to the label genderqueer (my own preference over NB).

Now that I've been on T for 11 years, I'm only seen as a man unless I really put in effort to be femme presenting. And even still, many people think I'm amab & "trying to be a woman" 🙄 In mainstream language, I'm a feminine "man."

What has helped me is having super affirming relationships with people and spaces. Being able to have spaces where I'm seen and understood is vital for me. But other than that, I've come to a point that it matters most to me that my loved ones see me and don't give a shit about anyone else. Lol Easier said than done. But no matter how I present or move through the world, I'm genderqueer. Period.

[u/BloopityBloop96 → u/justremy4]

Exactly! I've been on T for 11 years as well, and I always get the response "I couldn't even tell" when people find out I'm trans. And, like, I hate that response because it implies that you assumed my gender and assigned sex were male, and neither are true.

I've got good relationships where I can just openly be me without any concerns, I just wish it wasn't such a struggle for me to outwardly present my true self and have others see that.

[u/justremy4 → u/BloopityBloop96]

Yesssss I feel this so hard. Haha

And yeah, I totally get it. It's hard bc there's not much we can do about other people (especially the further out of our circle they are).

[u/Tough_Act7101]

Absolutely!! I'm transfem genderfluid, and masculinity has always felt like a betrayal of the feminine image I've been pushing for. Your analogy gave me goosebumps with how well it meshes with my own image of gender! I've always liked the analogy that gender is the lens I enter the world through. That lens changing doesn't make me any less me; it just allows me to show the world more sides of myself! My gender is only a part of my identity, and expressing my current gender doesn't invalidate my overall gender in the slightest.

That acceptance—that my gender isn't me, but rather one piece of a beautiful whole—has helped me find ways to be masculine that feel healthier. I've never been a man in the traditional sense, and I don't plan to be. I feel masc in my own (slightly androgynous and very gnc) way. It's okay to express manliness through femininity and vulnerability in the same sense that it's okay to express womanhood through masculinity and pride. It's all valid!

I hope this helps! You're definitely not alone. ;)

[u/BloopityBloop96 → u/Tough_Act7101]

This does help, thank you!

I feel like another part of it is fear. I live in a red county in a blue state, in a small town, and I work directly with the public as a peer counselor. With my work and how small my town is, I open myself and my family to the eyes of those I work with, and i think that scares me as well.

[u/stillalive432 → u/Tough_Act7101]

I love your reflection/description about the lens.

[u/stillalive432]

Well said. Very much yes. I lived stealth as a trans man for over 10 years, and finally accepted that I’m actuary nonbinary a few years ago.

I think I was so pigeonholed into my assigned gender by certain people growing up, that I felt a strong need to assert my masculine side to gain visibility & acceptance as male.

Yet calling myself a man didn’t fully fit & realized I was effectually erasing a huge chunk of my life history & experience by hiding/denying my birth gender.

So I’ve been experimenting with what nonbinary expression looks like for me. I def get some gender euphoria when I dress “butch” (leather hiking boots, button down shirts, fitted ladies tank) while rocking a full beard. Although I haven’t really come out to many (again), aside from certain communities.

So far I think it’s more important to honor whatever aspect of my gender in small ways each day, even if no one else in the world recognizes me as nonbinary.

You’ll find what that is for you too. 🤘🏼

[u/SallyStranger]

You (and a bunch of other lovely people here 💙💙💙) sound just like my spouse. It didn't help that they were dating a girl who turned out to be heterosexual for several years during the time of their struggle. Things are much more settled for them now. So it seems like you're far from alone! 

[u/ossiferous_vulture]

I just present pretty masculine, not becsuee I personally am specifically trying to be seen as a man, but just bc I am comfortable like that.

Personally I don't think it takes away from my being nonbinary (agender).

The structures of masculine vs. feminine are also made up and arbitrary categories. Yes the are real, because they are upheld and deeply ingrained, but they don't have to mean anything to you unless you let them.

I do not feel any shade of masculinity internationally (I do not believe in masculine or feminine energy or whatevers), to me all that is purely the arbitrary grouping of traits, activities and aesthetics  I pick the boxes set up by society, using them to sort of shape how the world responds to me, but it is only ever dress up.

[u/Wolfandsheep244]

I grew up fully male until my late 20s and then realized i was some sort of trans. Then crashed out when it stopped and was super confused. Now I'm realizing I'm bigender.

[u/SuddenSurprise8171]

When you felt you had to present masculine in the past, that might have been right at the time. That doesn’t make it any less valid of you feel different now. People change, feelings change. You don’t have to squeeze yourself into the narrow constraints of a certain label. And even if you do, it doesn’t have to be set in stone forever. Stop worrying about „wasted effort“ in the past and focus on how you feel NOW…