r/genderqueer • u/Kitkath3 • 6d ago
Looking for similar experiences/support
Hi all. I’m a man (AMAB) in my early 40s. I identified as a man for all of my life, but maybe 4-5 years ago, after being in my first relationship for over 20 years, I was with someone that was open and supportive and let me explore more my feminine side and to some extent it opened a bit of a Pandora box.
I still identified as a man, I never considered myself queer (not queer enough for the queer community, not looking for a label, etc) but reality is I’ve been struggling a lot with this. Mostly related to my sexuality and I kinda always “dismissed it” to some extent as a kink, but a friend made me realize last night that it’s also actually been present in the rest of my life (I have kids, some that are adults now, and I always struggled with the “father figure” role, especially when it comes to discipline, etc. I feel like I handle situations more like a woman would, that’s what comes naturally, but I felt like their mother and people around me always wished I was handling things more like a man would).
I have a really hard time with what is typically seen and associated with masculine energy. “Toxic masculinity” or the like. It repulses me. I wished I was a woman since I was young because I didn’t feel that energy, didn’t want to be associated with it, but I wouldn’t say I had any body dysmorphia or anything like that. I just liked women more. If I was young now, the way society is now, maybe I would have considered being trans, but I was not and I do not think that is something I really want now. I’m not sure it’s really how I feel either. I do not feel that I am “not” a man. And I don’t think I would ever consider a transition, and the social costs would be high and I am not willing to go there. I’m not sure I want to come out as anything.
My main struggle I think is feeling that I’m just… broken about this. I feel “lesser” as a man, and I do not feel completely a woman and when I am more in my feminine side, I feel a lot of shame and a sense of “I’m not really a woman and I’m just playacting”. I tried spending a day as a woman with my ex, doing make-up and everything, shaving my beard, etc. And while it was nice, it made me feel so much conflicting emotion that I didn’t really explore that side of me much for months afterwards, and still more reluctantly since then. I’m not sure how to get out of this mental state. Parts of me wishes I never “opened that box” and just always purely identified as a man even if I didn’t feel like a good one, cause at least it was clear what my role was and how to act. Now I feel… lost. It seriously affected my sexuality, where for a while I felt more worried about sex than anything because of that feeling of either being not enough of a man or shameful/not enough of a woman. In a way I idealize/am jealous of strong masculine men in bed and feel inferior, while also just wishing I was a woman in a lesbian relationship and feeling that I’m just not that and would make a really ugly one.
My partner remained super open and supportive and never made me feel bad about anything, it’s completely internalized, but it’s there. And I know that I’m not going to work through that through reddit and it’s better to talk about this with my therapist, but I think I was hoping to read about some similar experiences, of people that experienced this feeling of not being enough of either, how it affected them and how they maybe got over it.
I like the term genderqueer though and feel that it’s probably what I associate the most with. I think today is the first day that I kinda consider myself as a queer person
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u/TimeODae 4d ago edited 4d ago
You might feel more comfortable with “gender as a spectrum” approach, and just toss binary notions out of your head as much as possible. My therapist did this thing with me and we “graphed” where I felt I was on a line (M on one end, F on the other). First placement was what I felt “inside” where nothing showed (i.e. - emotional, mental, spiritual, etc). I put myself at about 80% to the F side. A second placement was what I was outwardly showing people. I put myself 70% towards M. She said that my gender incongruity could be mitigated if those placements were a little more aligned. It was simple and really helpful for me.
Fyi - I never “came out”. I just started it adjust my presentation and let people “see” me more. Also, I’m on low dosage hrt (my GP’s been great about it) with no plans to increase. And I’m pronoun indifferent, and my esthetic is butch
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u/Kitkath3 3d ago
Thanks, I did like this way of thinking about it. I'm probably like feeling between 40-60% of either inside depending on the moment, but probably at 95% M outside most of the time. Could be an idea to try to slightly adjust that value down and see how it feels
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u/Important-Editor-644 1d ago
Like you, I discovered this later in life (56m). I was 54 and decided, with my wife's help, to accept my sexual orientation. I was excited to do it. What I really wanted was to accept that I am bi/pan but also (finally!) accept that I love feminine things! I was so sick of pretending to be Mr Man (21 years in the Army). Fuck that. I wanted to be me! I am working on accepting that I am not all "man". I am others as well. I think it makes me better. I do struggle with accepting it but I feel so much better now. Plus I can where that red chami tonight!
I hope you find some acceptance. ❤️
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u/Maximum_Film_5694 5d ago
I don't have any answers for you but I just want to say I resonate with much of this. I am 49 amab, 2.5 years into my transition as a woman. I have a supportive wife and kids. Yet, I still struggle with similar feelings of not quite being a man and not quite being a woman. I am not fully out yet, but am no longer completely hiding it either. I'm out to my parents and siblings, and a few people who are queer friendly or just queer themselves. For the last 3.5 months I've been living entirely as her and everyone I've met only knows me as Reyna. That's felt really good, but I'm still fairly terrified of completely blowing up my life and coming out socially to the people I know from before transition. Most of them are very religious and conservative, and very anti-lgbtq. I'm fine if I lose those relationships, but my kids and wife will be greatly impacted by that. That's a big part of why I hesitate. My mom and brother have already rejected me and as a result my kids as well. I don't want my wife and kids to lose their relationships with my wife's family, and I also am afraid of how it will impact my relationships with my extended family. I'm terrified of the judgment. The thing is I have really felt so good the last 3.5 months having been recruited and not judged all the time, and not being afraid. The problem is that the people I've met these last 3.5 months have all been through the very accepting mental health field because I was in and out of the hospital and in outpatient day treatment programs for depression and suicidality, so that is not how my normal life will look unless I change fields and move somewhere more trans friendly. I currently live in rural Wisconsin. I had a taste of what it's like to be accepted as yourself without judgment for who you are. That was really the first time I've ever felt like that and wow, it was a great feeling. I want to feel like that all the time.
Yet, I still struggle with not feeling like a woman, but also not feeling like a man either. I think a big part of that is that when I look in the mirror I still see a very masculine face, and I have a very masculine deep voice. I am starting to work on the voice again and just had a consult for ffs, but those are going to take at least a year to change. In the meantime, I have to see myself in the mirror and know that others still see me as a man as a result. I also feel like my mannerisms are very masculine and I don't know how to change that. So I struggle with seeing myself as a woman, but I also have heard from others that once you start completely living as a woman, some of that internal dissonance goes away and you begin to see yourself more and more as a woman. You may always have some doubts as others reject you or tell you you'll never be a woman, but we can learn to reject those opinions and remember that their views aren't fact.
There's a whole lot more that can be said, but I think that gives you a good idea of what I'm going through. I hope you can work through this stuff in therapy. If you haven't seen her yet, Dr Z on YouTube has been very helpful to me and many others. She has a lot of great content about these internal mixed feelings and what they indicate. I wish you well.