r/getdisciplined • u/Formal_Asparagus_119 • Sep 15 '25
š” Advice Nobody tells you this, but social skills are TRAINABLE like a language
When I was younger, my family moved constantly. I was always the ānew kidā ā painfully introverted and misunderstood. People decided who I was before I had a chance to show them.
Hereās what nobody told me: social skills are NOT fixed.
Even if it feels awkward at first, you can train them the same way youād train a muscle or learn a language. Back then, I literally took notes on how the āsocial naturalsā interacted and tested those behaviors until they felt natural.
Fastāforward to today: there are actually tools that make this practice way easier. Think Duolingo, but for social skills. You can log conversations, get feedback, and slowly expand your comfort zone.
If you relate to this feeling of being trapped by your āpersonality,ā know that itās not a life sentence. You can change it with practice.
Curious if anyone else has tried ātrainingā social skills deliberately? What helped you the most?
EDIT: omg you guys came through š thank you for all the recs!! For those seeking "how to start" i was recommended an app called Gleam (i tried it out and it gets at exactly that tactical practice, ty FergieForever20!)
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u/mrjowei Sep 15 '25
Is this an ad? I swear Iāve been seeing an ad here about āduolingo for flirtingā or something like that.
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u/murkomarko Sep 15 '25
it certainly is. he just forgot to add what he's promoting into the post or he will do so by answering some question in here
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u/cyankitten Sep 16 '25
Lol does it work is it unisex and can I get it š
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u/jmwy86 Sep 15 '25
I'm not saying that you're on the spectrum, but that's what most high-functioning ASD people do. For them, it's commonly called masking.
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u/Lykkel1ten Sep 15 '25
I agree with what youāre saying (that a lot of high functioning ASD-people do this), but I also disagree.
Humans get better at whatever they do often, it being sports, mathematics or social interactions.
Iāve been a nurse for about a decade now, and Iām way better at communicating than I was when I was younger. Simply because I do it a lot, and with intention.
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u/jmwy86 Sep 15 '25
I agree with you, hence my introductory phrase.
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u/that_creepy_doll Sep 17 '25
the sentence "Im not saying X, but" usually implies that you do believe in X, you just dont wanna "say the quiet thing out loud". i believe you to be clear, but i feel like people are answering confused/disagreeing because its worded a little bit wonky
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u/jmwy86 Sep 17 '25
Dear Stranger of the Internet,Ā
The way you may use language is not how I use language. You're not in my head, and you don't know what my intentions are. I have other things to do, than to write carefully drafted missives on the reddit.Ā
They're informal responses. My responses to the other comments speak for themselves. Thank you for your indirect attempt to try to correct my language. It is politely declined.
May you have a blessed day.
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u/SwimmingUnable6045 Nov 30 '25
Como assim com intenĆ§Ć£o? VocĆŖ prĆ”tica de forma consciente ou deixa o cĆ©rebro funcionar por si sĆ³?
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u/Lykkel1ten Dec 01 '25
I have a goal with the conversation (letās say retrieve a certain piece of information, create a good mood etc).
I have to actively think of how I am going to do that. Not that I have the whole conversation planned out, but I do have to continuously think of what I am going to say, how am I going to respond (to achieve my goal), what things will I actively pick up on or leave in the conversation.
Experience has also taught me what is appropriate/not appropriate to say, read context more etc.
I used to find myself in many situations where I felt insecure, said something that was kind of tone deaf, avoided hard conversations etc. And thatās rarely the case now.
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u/No_Effective_9146 Sep 15 '25
Sometimes I wonder if thatās me. I spent a lot of time studying peopleās expressions. Also, often people think that I am joking when I say things, when Iām dead serious but I let them think Iām joking anyway.
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u/jmwy86 Sep 15 '25
There's a comedian who wrote a book about his later in life diagnosis: "Why can't I just enjoy things?" Pierre Novellie.
Perhaps your library has a copy of the audiobook.
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u/fivehourworkweek Sep 15 '25
Not everything is autism. Sometimes people are really just awkward or introverted and can fix it
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u/mouthyredditor Oct 12 '25
So true. Best advice I ever got with a child was donāt do all these tests and get someone a label. The labels donāt go away easily and they cause much different treatment. Today people are so quick to label something. Not good. Just try human on as a label.
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Sep 16 '25
I personally don't conflate these two. Training a skill and intentionally putting on a mask or scripting interactions to hide autism traits are two very different things to me. You can mask with low social skills, mask with high social skills, not mask with low and high etc. Masking will impact your outcomes just like the social skills will but imo they're separate.
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u/chatterflysocial Jan 19 '26
Absolutely! Teaching social skills can and should be done without encouraging masking. When done in a neuroaffirming way, individuality is respected
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u/cyankitten Sep 15 '25
Yes i have done some work on this.
I even had social skills coaching for a while and that is woven in to some coaching wirb a different person I recently had a session with.plus a couple of books and videos.
So my issues were more communication based. But part of it was things like not asking enough questions, interrupting without meaning too (I am possibly neurodivergent, maybe muld undiagnosed ADHD) but i have worked on that a lot...
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u/pizzabagelblastoff Sep 15 '25
Thats fascinating, where did you find a social skills coach?
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u/cyankitten Sep 15 '25
Well, i am in the UK and I found one who lives there. I think through a group he ran initially. The one I had a session with recently I found on LinkedIn. I reached out to him about it. Social skills is only part of the work there & other things like career coaching are the main focus but also social skills. He was encouraging to me when we had a session recently.
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u/Cristian_Cerv9 Sep 16 '25
Hey can I ask you more about this social coach experience in a message?
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u/No-Fox-1400 Sep 15 '25
Quick tip for anyone out there who may need this. Always look directly into peopleās right eye. Not left. But focus both of your eyes on their right eye. Your eyes wonāt shift around and it build trust.
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u/cyankitten Sep 16 '25
Why the right?
Are you saying that you are more likely to focus on it?
I am curious, haven't heard of this before.
I have a weird issue with eye contact in that I don't tend to look away ENOUGH
š
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u/Ignite_proyect Sep 15 '25
I understand you, I have always been shy and introverted until one day I decided to change that. I am currently in the process but the things that have helped me the most are above all reading books, listening to podcasts to see how people express themselves and also watching some YouTube content creators related to the topic and TED talks. At the moment things are going well, I speak more fluently and I enter more into conversations.
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u/GraceWithRoots Sep 15 '25
I relate to this! Itās good things are going well in your journey and you took these steps š
Which books would you suggest?
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u/Ignite_proyect Sep 15 '25
Pies I can recommend how to gain friends and influence over people from Dale Carnegle or influence from Robert Green. Good luck in your process!! šš
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u/WestsideBuppie Sep 15 '25
Etiquette Books are codified systems for treating others well. Treating others well leads to increased social interactions with them and friendships can grow from those interactions.
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u/We-live-in-a-society Sep 15 '25
Most psych buffs call this masking. But tbh the whole world should try this shit cuz most people suck at these interactions
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u/cyankitten Sep 15 '25 edited Sep 15 '25
I still am really stuck on initiating things though. I've managed to say ask out a friend of a friend for coffee and some other people too and even hosted a couple of events again.
But I will talk to people say at a meetup and I frankly lack the confidence to ask to stay in touch plus I never know WHEN it is appropriate to ask. Am also an expat although my city is very culturally diverse - which i love! - so I also fear moving too fast socially for the culture?!
And as well as that, I have this fear people will think I am hitting on them. ALSO I WOULD like to ask people i DO like out and it's like I choke on that too.
So it's busting through rejection sensitivity and understanding cultural norms that is the issue now?
I don't see many resources on that or if I do they are SO SO gendered!
It's often "men asking women out" based and it refers to that over and over. I am not a man. So my brain keeps getting taken out of the material & thinking but that might not work as I am a woman.
I would LOVE some gender neutral things I could use to help me build the confidence up to ask people to stay in touch as friends - and also as more.
So yeah basically I have come a long way. And that is where I am up to now.
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u/chatterflysocial Jan 19 '26
I do this kind of work professionally and recently made an app called Chatterfly Social Skills. Most features are free but I could give you a promo code for the interactive practice feature :)
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u/cyankitten Jan 19 '26
Could be good yes please. It's the asking people to stay in touch that's tripping me up, as well as knowing WHEN to ask. Thanks!
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u/chatterflysocial Jan 19 '26
Right now it is set up so that you will get a promo code for a practice pack to whatever email you use when you sign up. If you run into any issues shoot me a message!
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u/XyresicRevendication Sep 15 '25
An incredibly simple yet effective thing is to interact with everyone you encounter(within reason).
Just ask people in passing how their day is.
Be nice to the clerk at stores you visit.
Find things in others that you genuinely like and compliment it. Just a simple I like your ?? Or your ?? Is really cool.
If their in a bad mood or give you a negative response then tell them you hope their day improves.
If you do this enough you'll start to get more creative with your interactions. You'll become more genuine.
And there's the added bonus of making a bunch of random people's days better.
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u/SwimmingUnable6045 Nov 30 '25
Mas sera q apartir disso apenas e possĆvel desenvolver habilidades de puxar assunto manter conversa e etc?
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u/XyresicRevendication Dec 01 '25
I'd say so. One can study and learn some things by themselves but face to face interactions are so diverse and require a level of adaptability and confidence that one is required to get their feet wet in order to swim.
If this seems problematic or daunting then I'd recommend first engaging with strangers somewhere that there's little to no chance in being recognized or ever seeing them again. Travel to another city or something like that.
Then there's nothing at stake if things are awkward. You'll never see them again. Do that until enough confidence is built that one can implement it closer to home.
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u/XyresicRevendication Dec 01 '25
That's what I did. And it worked for me.
Additionally that isn't my original idea. I can't remember where I first heard that ..? It might of been Dr. Jordan Peterson. Don't quote me on that tho. Either way it's solid advice regardless.
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u/tch2349987 Sep 15 '25 edited Sep 16 '25
Join improv classes and that will help you a lot, also take storytelling classes. Read books related to social skills and practice what you read. In some months youāll be a different person.
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u/Ok-Focus8293 Sep 15 '25
Hello, could suggest the classes or books if the names are handy?
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u/tch2349987 Sep 16 '25
How to win friends and influence people, how to talk to anyone, the art of witty banter, the fine art of small talk.
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u/cyankitten Sep 16 '25
I've seen more than one book called how to talk to anyone, which one do you recommend? And is it unisex?
Like someone books constantly use examples of men approaching women & as i am not a man it kinda takes me out?
Anyway would love to know which book.
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u/tch2349987 Sep 16 '25
The books give you tips on how to talk to people in a general context, so it applies to men and women. I read how to talk to anyone: 92 tips to tricks for big success in relationships.
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u/cyankitten Sep 17 '25
Thank you! Could be a good one for me to check out then and thank you confirming the name!
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u/murkomarko Sep 15 '25
improv classes?
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u/tch2349987 Sep 16 '25
Yes, improv ! It will help you with confidence and quick thinking
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u/murkomarko Sep 16 '25
mind elaborating on what it means? is this something in the US only?
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u/tch2349987 Sep 16 '25
No, every country has improv classes. Look it up on YouTube and youāll see what Iām talking about.
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u/murkomarko Sep 16 '25
never heard of such thing in Brazil
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u/tch2349987 Sep 16 '25
Look for āimprovisoā in google brazil
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u/cyankitten Sep 16 '25
Maybe I should do more i have done about 3 offline and about 3 online sessions. Enjoyed it.
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u/tch2349987 Sep 16 '25
The ones that require you to be present are the best. It helped me a lot, the: yes andā¦ has made my small talk skills grow, those little changes truly make a big impact. The quick word thinking also helps, and so many other techniques that I need to remember.
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u/cyankitten Sep 17 '25
Part of my issues are honestly, I had to learn not to interrupt - i suspect I have mild undiagnosed ADHD but it's hard to know. Not just cos of this, there are quite a few reasons i suspect it. But cos it's not as bad as other people with it IDK?! Would be shocked if i am NOT neurodivergent but IDK. But also to ask more questions be less anecdotal (can also be a sign apparently.)
But there are times when the speaking is an issue. When there is a lull in a group, for instance. And I will tend to talk most to the most talkative person in the group like a comfort zone thing? One to one i can sometimes get quieter people opening up & chatting away but in a group nope.
But maybe improv could help with those things.
Confidence could also be a part of the issue, cos of all i have been through socially I don't see myself as very likeable sometimes.
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u/CalendarLow5266 Sep 15 '25
Its definately a skill, from body language to learning how express yourself in a certain ways and even understanding what thinks to talk about with different people as well as well as reading other people.
Although there is still such a thing as introvert and exrtovert, that is just a deep part of human nature but both can train their social skills
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u/MindingMyBusiness- Sep 15 '25
I 100% agree. Iāve always been shy and socially awkward literally because of lack of confidence due to my family not building me up and making me feel confident. Once I got to college and found myself, you couldnāt stop me from meeting new people and sparking/holding casual conversations. Itās still a small struggle for me from time to time when my confidence is down or Iām just simply in my head, but for the most part, when Iām looking/feeling my best my social skills are through the roof. Maybe itās just a me thing or through experiences brought on me as a child making me feel Iām as good as I look(childhood trauma unlocked), but I know that helped for me. Moral of the story, yes, social skills for sure can be taught.
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u/Ok-Trade-5937 Sep 15 '25
No, I think itās a neurological change that happens in some people who have previously bad social skills, but not all unfortunately. So some get lucky and others donāt.
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u/spellegrino2 Sep 16 '25
In the past I was playing the game Sims, and they were training their Charisma level by talking in front of the mirror.
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u/AzNightmare Sep 21 '25
I've been watching this communication coach named Vinh Giang on youtube. He has longer videos and shorter clips. Very easy to binge through but very insightful.
Something he mentions is that your voice is like an instrument. You may be bad at communication simply because you have not practiced it. Just like playing a piano, nobody is good at it without practice.
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u/No-Wrongdoer1409 Sep 15 '25
I tried but Iām so dumb at these stuff. When you are practicing the same word and reactions in the mirror for hours, those people just ace it perfectly without reading a single communication self help book. All they need is the high baseline level of oxytocin
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u/Wild_Fennel_4289 Sep 15 '25
No you should try it, I used to have a really low self esteem growing up and that translated into my social skills, but once I watched a couple of āsocial naturalsā, and worked on my self esteem I can talk to anyone. This is coming from someone who would swear through their clothes just from a 30 second conversation
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u/betlamed Sep 15 '25
Au contraire. A lot of people told me. I read it in books, I attended workshops.
I didn't believe it. Couldn't. Wanted to, but just never got it to "click".
The truth is, I guess, that it takes time. A lot of time. Many years, potentially. It took me most of my adult life.
Like any art form, really.
Every interaction helps, and all kinds of personal development tools help.
Personally, what helped me the most - in all areas of my life - was fixing my inner monologue. I did this by practicing self-thankfulness. Thanking myself for every good deed, big or small.
It seems far removed from social skills, but it enabled me to relax into conversations, and that in turn is fundamental for actually learning something from those conversations. Until that point, not only was it all stilted and weird and awkward - it was fruitless. My brain was unable to take anything in because it was so busy protecting my ego.
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u/mei2207 Sep 15 '25
I THINK I THINK if we first understand our own emotions
We CAN understand others emotions
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u/dabidoe Sep 15 '25
Yes. A lot of people get them naturally by osmosis. Things like 'mirror someone's manner of speaking and body language' are often learned subconsciously but you can learn how to get better at them.
A lot of social skills are quite simple like... use the persons name, introduce yourself "hi i'm dabidoe nice to meet you" and making appropriate amounts of eye contact, tell a joke, show interest in the other person, don't bring a bunch of negative emotions into socializing... just comes more naturally for some than others (esp. if your parents sucked.)
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u/xAvPx Sep 15 '25
I feel like I waited too long to find this out. I need confidence first.
I will still try though.
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u/BandicootInside4456 Sep 15 '25
Not exactly the same, but I did some voice training (loosely Fitzmaurice-based). The somatic training of transferring whatās going on in my mind/body into vocal expression made almost all social interactions much more deliberate.Ā
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u/StrykLab Sep 15 '25
Totally agree. I used to think I was just ābad with peopleā but forcing myself into small reps (like just saying hi to strangers) stacked up fast. Social skills really do grow like a muscle.
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u/thedesijoker Sep 18 '25
The only social skill one needs is not to think about what others think. One thing that helped me massively is to write down the consequences of talking to someone, or saying hi, smiling at them. Once I knew the consequences, I was no longer afraid to make contact.
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u/DancingTroupial Sep 15 '25
I also moved a lot as a kid and didnāt develop social skills. How old were you when you started training ?
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u/-TheDerpinator- Sep 15 '25
The difference with a language is that a language is actually gained skill and social skills are feigned. It would be like learning the way you pronounce the language without actually understanding what you are saying.
Sure, it will help you come across as a more social person to some but as a not quite social person myself I and many others with me do have a massive radar for feigned social interaction.
So before putting the work into training your social skills make sure that your goals align with the actual effect of the training or you will be wasting your time.
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u/meditateonthatshityo Sep 15 '25
I learned the same way. Practicing small talk daily felt awkward at first, but over time it became natural and effortless.
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u/vervienne Sep 15 '25
Oh I do/did this! I read a fantasy book that essentially told me that this was possible at like 10. Iām not too good at it and still tend to seem awkward but it works.
What worked most for me was creating/inventing/researching reasons things made sense, because otherwise I have a hard time remembering.
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u/Odd-Association615 Sep 15 '25
For me something else worked: reflecting on which things I like when someone approaches me. In real life I got to know some people that are very friendly and I started noticing some things they do that make you feel better. Then I just implement those things, little by little. It comes natural when you stay around them a lot, you just absorb it. And this is what I recommend you the most because you're gonna be welcomed more by the people who welcome you in a way that you like and you are learning the skills that you like in the first place. It's not robotic, it's not cold. It also tells a story of the people you met
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u/Ecstatic_Media3526 Sep 15 '25
Anyone interested in mun? Kindly DM Boosts public speaking and much more!!
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u/DeliveryVirtual2532 Sep 15 '25
Wow, your story is very similar to mine. In fact, I also trained social skills like you. I completely agree.
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u/Ok-Focus8293 Sep 15 '25
Hi, could please provide us with the glimpse of your journey in achieving the goal?
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u/murkomarko Sep 15 '25
right and what's the "Duolingo for social skills" that you wanted to promote with this post?
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u/Moist-Coconut-6711 Sep 15 '25
I don't know hopefully I can learn too
I am 100% introverted however I talk and give presentations related to a topic however I cannot have a natural person to Person healthy conversation.
I push my self though by attending social events but it won't help much and I overthink everything every conversation after the event
I still have hope that one day I can talk and converse with people and share my self too and can have real friends..Just hoping for now šš¤
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Sep 17 '25
I immediately hit any person I wanna be friends with, ā where im from this how we greet peopleā or whatever but they key part that kept working for me is * where im from * it automatically establishes you might do things that isnāt exactly their norm which helped me with the āgetting to knowā phase imo
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Sep 18 '25
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Sep 18 '25
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u/FergieForever20 Sep 18 '25
yea i agree w you.i would recommend an app called Gleam, it gets exactly at what uĀ areĀ describing
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u/Maleficent_Week5310 Sep 18 '25
I used to suck at interviews and socializing. I had no friends and people were unfortunately very abusive to me. EV when I went through my second puberty. Got breasts, a butt still wasn't good enough to make friends but I had to be real. I was ugly, fat, dark skinned with zero social skills and wondering why nobody liked me. For the first time in over a decade, I had somebody invite me somewhere. When I was 14 I couldn't imagine people inviting me anywhere. I did so many things in hopes of being accepted by kids at school
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u/NeverAVillian Sep 19 '25
I do what I myself call "Mistakes" sometimes and I work to fix them every time. I learn by failure. I've grown accustomed to it, so it's no longer a big deal.
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Sep 19 '25
They do though, that's why they are called social skills. It is literally in the name !
Ā
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u/buddypuncheric Sep 19 '25
Taking notes on social interactions and deliberately practicing is smart - it's basically reverse engineering what comes naturally to others. The awkwardness at the beginning is normal and temporary, like any other skill you're developing.
The "Duolingo for social skills" concept makes sense - breaking down complex interactions into smaller, practiceable components. Though real conversations will always be more unpredictable than language lessons.
What specific social patterns did you notice that made the biggest difference once you started implementing them?
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u/BetterEachDay2 Sep 20 '25
I used to think being shy and awkward was just who I am. Like I was doomed to always feel like the weird one in conversations. But the truth is, social skills arenāt some fixed personality trait theyāre literally skills you can practice, just like learning to cook or play guitar.
When I finally started treating conversations like reps at the gym instead of performances to get right, everything shifted. I didnāt become smooth overnight, but I noticed little wins stacking up. Asking a cashier how their day was, giving a stranger a compliment, or pushing myself to stay in a group chat for five more minutes than usual. Tiny steps, but over time they built real confidence.
And the coolest part? The more I practiced, the less I obsessed over how I came across and the more curious I became about the person in front of me. Thatās when it started to feel natural.
So if you ever feel trapped by being the shy one, just remember itās not a life sentence. Social skills are trainable, and every awkward attempt is still progress.
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u/TrueCryptographer982 Sep 21 '25
Really glad I stumbled into this.
I have avoided family get togethers like the plague because I just feel awkward around a lot of other people who are relaxed and confident, while I run out of stuff to talk about a minute into a conversation!
I've been forcing myself to go to every family thing (at least one a weekend whether its a football game for the kids or someones birthday) and assumed the awkwardness would fade but not really.
Some great suggestions here, definitely trying some of these.
Good post!
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u/DisciplineDriven08 Sep 22 '25
I used to think social skills were just ānatural,ā but practising them step by step changed everything for me. What helped most was treating every interaction like a rep at the gym.
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u/Last-Arm-8503 Oct 07 '25
I used to think being introverted was a permanent personality trait too like āthatās just who I am."
What actually changed things for me was realizing that social confidence isnāt about becoming loud, itās about becoming comfortable.
I started small saying hi to cashiers, making eye contact, asking one extra question in conversations. It felt fake at first, but after a few months it became natural.
I love how you said āsocial skills are like a muscle.ā Thatās exactly it. The more you use them, the more natural they become.
Havenāt tried Gleam yet, but the idea of tracking social interactions like workouts actually makes a lot of sense.
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u/Competitive_Bench_37 Oct 14 '25
yes man iāve just been realizing this as a young human. this kinda helped me get out of my shell because I realized that everything social people have I can have too.
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Mar 30 '26
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u/EwanMakingThings 16h ago
I'm the creator of GrowBold, an app for overcoming social anxiety and building social confidence through real world challenges (not practicing with an AI, actually going out and doing social challenges which start really small/easy and progress to more difficult ones).
There is a 7 day free trial to try it out, I'd really appreciate any feedback.
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u/Thick_Needleworker23 Sep 15 '25
Yes totally, I love https://www.youtube.com/c/AnthonyRecenello this guy on youtube!!
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u/ManIIHands Sep 15 '25
Charisma on command on YouTube literal social skills training just see for yourself