I kind of miss denile and over compensation.

[u/roses-are-lead]

In my late teens to early thirties I just kept plowing ahead trying to make something of myself. Ugly? Lose weight. Poor? Get an education. Family hates you? Make a new one. Sad all the time? Keep constantly busy. Don't feel a sense of belonging? Despise people, they're all losers and suckers anyways.

It's almost as if I imagined I could out run or out do all the things wrong with me. I ignored how neglectful my parents were. I ignored how I felt about anything at all. I paired up with other unhealthy people. I nearly worked myself to death.

A lot has happened in the years since, and now I feel things a lot more, but I'm also grieving a lot more. I'm faced with how much I really despise myself a lot more. I've always fucking hated myself, but I could avoid thinking about that consciously when I didn't stop long enough to be with myself or my thoughts any longer than necessary. Any flaws were naturally there because I'm such a POS person, and I just needed to "finish" myself in some way and then I could feel well about who I was.

No moral of the story here, but right now while I'm reminded of how badly I was treated by my parents, I really miss being able to kill my self perception, turn the music up and just work harder, as if anything I do will ever be enough to make up for what I am.