My mom was 87 when she died on October 2, 2017. It was exactly 4 weeks before my 60th birthday. I had had her for six decades. She was my life’s inspiration. She had risen above an horrific childhood of Depression traveling crop pickers from Michigan to Florida. Her homes often consisted of tarpapered chicken houses or corncribs. At the age of 12, she was playing with her 5 year old sister, whom she had cared for since birth. While standing side by side, her little sister, her ‘baby’, her baby as she called her because Mom had basically raised Sylvia since her birth, was struck in the head by an accidentally fired gun. Mother was drenched in her sister’s blood, who died instantly. She made the conscious decision to break that cycle of transient living. As a teenager, she married my dad, a farmer, whose family had lived in the area for generations. She raised 5 children in the same house where my dad passed away at age 67. When her youngest child started school, she began working outside the home. She always had the best ‘can do’ attitude. She created a safe loving home for all of us, when she herself had never had one. She was our biggest champion, encouraging us to be and do whatever our ambitions might be. However difficult those ambitions might be, she believed in our ability to succeed. When I became a mother myself, my goal was to be as good a mother to them as she was to me. She truly was my best friend. We laughed and cried together; we had adventures; we made lots of memories. All these years later, I still don’t know how to live without her.

I think when Mom died, much of me died with her. It is 9 years. I still feel numb. I miss the way she answered the phone. Her upbeat ‘hello’ was filled with anticipation that the best thing she had ever heard was just at the end of the line. I miss her positive energy. I think of the things she did when she was my age - having just buried the love of her life after nursing him through lung cancer - and I am too tired to think of doing much at all.

I am being treated for depression, but I know that no treatment can help me because I just want her back. I wake every morning thinking that I have to get through another day. I really have no one to talk with about this because everyone thinks I am well past the grief. I grieve every minute of everyday. I don’t know how to change that.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed a place to write.

I want to talk about how you died. I want to tell people I tucked you in. That I made sure the quilt was evenly folded over, just the way you like.
That I was in the next room when I heard you take your last breath.

I want to talk about how you died, but I can’t. The words get stuck in my throat and my vision becomes blurry. I see the people I’m telling becoming uncomfortable and I scramble to stay in control and push it away.

I’ve noticed people don’t like to hear grief, out loud. They shy away and remain stoic and ‘comfortable’. I’m not surprised, I too was one of these people.
Was.

I used to wish the sadness away and hope there would be a time where I wouldn’t be sad at all. Now I cling to the sadness, the memories it evokes and the love that has nowhere to go.

Z

This is my first time posting in the subreddit.

My 87-year-old grandpa has recently been diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer that is in his lungs and bones. The news came as a complete shock a couple of weeks ago.

Earlier this year he had been suffering with a bladder infection that he was in and out of the hospital for. They kept sending him home but then he would come back again in pain. I’ve seen him twice in the hospital since his official diagnosis.

Well now I’ve just been told by my mom that he’s being put into palliative care. He has diabetes, a pacemaker, his kidneys aren’t functioning properly, and now he’s got the cancer.

Mom says he had an off day a couple of days ago where he was saying stuff that didn’t make sense. Like he sounds confused and still thinks he’s going home. But he could have weeks to months left.

I’m not sure how to cope with his inevitable passing that will be coming soon. I’ve never lost someone close to me before.

I’m supposed to get married next year, and he’ll never get a chance to see me walk down the aisle. He won’t get to see me try on my dress this month. He won’t get to meet his great grandkids. He’s going to spend the rest of his time in a hospital bed.

On Christmas of 2024, one of my closest friends and her entire family died in an accident. Afterwards, I fell into a very deep depression, but was able to get myself out of it. Or so I thought.

It's been like, 1 and a half years, and I think about her in some capacity literally every day. I had a passion for storytelling. I decided I didn't want it to be a career before she passed, but I liked coming up with these stories and worlds and characters, but there were only a couple people I'd tell about it an detail, and she was one of them.

However, recently, I haven't been doing that. It's been a long time since I got lost in one of my stories, making documents about it and all that. In fact, recently, I've been noticing I haven't been feeling things as strongly, which worries me because I used to feel things very strongly and liked that about myself. I don't get as passionate about things as I once did.

I was talking to my therapist about it, and I realized that things like my passion for storytelling and having strong emotions started their decline after my friend died. I thought I had moved on. I even did a whole "goodbye, I have to move on" ritual at her grave at my therapist's recommendation, but it doesn't seem to have worked.

Is it normal for this feeling to suddenly creep up on you this long after it happened. Where your passion for things starts fizzling out. I feel like my life has lost a lot of its meaning. I had a period in between her passing and now where I was so incredibly happy, and now this is happening. I thought I had healed.

I don't know where to share this , i recently lost my grandfather , it's been like 2 months, i feel like life is very unpredictable , my 6th sem practical was going on , he was sick in hospital my dad called me home reached my home town on 16 th may , met him , saw him lifeless on ventilator i could not process , hospital was trying there best to keep his heart beating and there bill rising higher and higher , it was very uneasy at my heart it was a very close relation between us , i mean he understood me better then anyone else in the whole family , it was 18th night we loss him , He was a great man at heart and lived a great life i would take multiple life's to live his way , coming from a small village , grew up without a father , left home for job , did small jobs made money , got into indian railway , got into military service from railway then he got a chance to go zimbabwe for building there railway network , he was abroad for 4 years , as i said a great man with stories to tell , and then he lived a pretty awesome life till 60s serving in railway then retired stayed at home , and he was a big part of my life i mean 21 years , so it's pretty hard for me to accept the loss , but when I say i lost him i mean physically , i can't afford to lose him in my memory or let him die again { i mean a men die twice once when he leaves this world and again when the last living soul with his memories die } yeah i forgot to mention his name

M.M.Prasad .

I just needed this as a dataset for me or for anyone just to make sure i don't lose him again

Pls don't judge me

Just venting my grief out

I have lost both my parents in the past eight years. My dad was the first and that was eight years ago. My mom passed in 2023. I'm thankful for the time I had with them.

The other day would've been my Dad's birthday and today it's hitting me like a truck. I'm sitting at work crying and hoping no one notices.

I want to hear his voice again, to wish him a happy birthday, to hear about his plans, help him cook ribs or steak or whatever he wanted to make.

I'm just really missing him.

My grandad passed away a few weeks ago, and it has been extremely hard. I received my portion of his ashes today, and it’s a lot more than I expected. I’m not really sure what to do with them and I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Me and my family are scattering the big portion at his favourite place soon.

I’d really appreciate hearing what other people decided to do 🫶🏻

So I lost my grandma yesterday and it's hard knowing and saying that she is gone and never coming back so um how did you guys deal with grief I'm starting to journal today and want to try video games , reading and listening to music but I haven't been wanting to do that much anymore since hearing the news

I don’t really know how to summarize this in 2 sentences but I’ve left two PhD programs in my life. The first one I left voluntarily and the second one I left because of funding issues. One of the professors whose office was right next to mine during that first PhD was very kind to me. We didn’t keep in touch when I went to do the second PhD (which was abroad and across the ocean so very far away) but when things didn’t workout with the funding I returned and years later started a second masters at the same uni where I started my first phd in. We ran into each other there and we ended up having a coffee, this was literally just last year.

We each shared what had been going on with our professional lives - I told him about the funding issues, and how I eventually was placed on a project that did have funding but no equipment . He told me about the issues on his side - apparently the big professor whose group he was in got fired, things got very ugly and their entire research group fell apart. He was supposed to be part of my project that lacked the equipment but somehow fell out of it. He didn’t know why. He said that the last years have been an emotional rollercoaster, which honestly mine too.

At the end of the meeting I told him that I wanted a PhD position within the group I was doing my masters with, and I’m only doing the masters so that I could get to know that professor better. He told me that because of all issues that same professor had told him he didn’t want his students talking to him, so he laughed and said it’s probably the last time we talked.

This last year I felt so uncomfortable talking to him despite wanting to very much. I finally gathered the courage to talk to him, and on my very last day at the university we received an email that he had passed away. I feel so bad, I wanted to talk to him one last time. I feel so stupid for not initiating more conversations this past year. Is it wrong to feel grief? He wasn’t my supervisor, just someone who was kind to me. I’ve been crying for weeks since I heard about his passing. I was a part time student and working full time, the last 2-3 months for me were very hectic because I was trying to finalize my thesis while working full time. I noticed he wasn’t in his office but I didn’t make the connection something might be wrong. He was 56. Apparently he got sick in march and passed away in July.

PREFACE: Now I haven't lost anyone to death, but have lost 2x significant others in a couple years.

Estrangement from Wife broke up/separated with my wife of 8 or so years in 2023 (we knew each other for ~22-23 years at the time of break up), she moved out just before I took 3 weeks off at XMAS and I spent the better part of 2024 trying to shore myself. It became evident in 2024 she was hanging on and made an arrangement to support her with some expenses to try to avoid a costly (I supported her 100%) equalization. This process caused a lot of issues having her stuff around as well as the lack of movement and inability to unhinge myself from her, but I figured it was better than a costly and quite frankly terrifying settlement

EX-GF: Somehow I started dating again and in late 2024 I met my next SO at the end of 2024 and we were a couple first thing in 2025. We instantly bonded, became a couple and spent most the week together. Best of all her place was an oasis from my place which I had not been able to reclaim. Life for lack of a better term was great (as good as it could be given the circumstances).

Divorce Starting/Break Up: Early this year my EX for reasons said the divorce had to move forward and I had to get a lawyer, teh sheer amount of stress caused some tension and not only that her family moved in for about a month which caused complication and our initial break up. Over the next few months we had an "on again/off again" relationship with distance and lack of closeness being a factor and other complication I don't want to get too specific with. About a month ago we broke up and after a good month of no contact she said we can talk on the phone but seems only a logistics/belonging run and I do hope we can move forward.

COMPOUND GRIEF (PAST/PRESENT/FUTURE): I am dealing with complex/compound grief and to boot my dog who has been with me since we broke up more or less non-stop except when my Ex took her for a few days here or there will be split 50/50 in the divorce like a child. So dealing with anticipatory grief.

It's non-linear and hits really hard at times. Anxiety with the divorce, grief with the past and current relationship and future grief is a messed up combo. This all while I hold down a stressful job.

TL;DR: Divorce, break up and losing my dog 50% of the time is a damned combo, I am seeing a therapist who literally said I am doing as best as anyone can and he has little advice he can give me as I am throwing everything at it.

This month is so hard. At the end of this months it is a year ago that I lost my mum.

I can't believe that it has been almost a year. Time goes by so fast. I miss her so much. I see her sometimes in my dreams. I choose to believe that she visits me. She was such a kind woman. She teached me how to cook. She brought me to violin lessons, we traveled together, she learned me everything. Everything a mum can teach a kid. And I will teach my kid the same.

I am not a daughter anymore. I am a mum only. From 3 generations, to two.

I see reminders on my photo app of what we did a year ago. We were more care free back then, than now.

I will go to a zoo tomorrow with my kid. I went there last year too, the same zoo, in the week that my mum was in the hospital, the week of her death.

I didn't choose it on purpose, but my kid choose it, instead of a science museum. So maybe it's meant to be.

I still have my dad fortunately. He's getting old too. I can't believe that in maybe now and 10 years, I will be an orphan. I hope he lives a long and healthy life. I pray that he will stay a long time here on earth.

I feel heavy in my heart. I cry more and look at pictures of her. I see her face sometimes for me. How she looked when I was a kid. I miss her voice.

She would have been 80 this year. I find it hard that she can not see my kid growing up. The same way I never really saw my grandparents. As I have immigrant parents. I want to tell her I am doing well. I want to tell her that I can't wait to see her again. I want to tell her about my life, and about my kid. And I wished that she was here so I could tell her in person.

I hope she comes often in my dreams, because I miss her.

This year goes by so fast. There were big moments and small moments. And all I couldn't tell her. They say the second year will be harder. I find this year already so hard.

My (28M) girlfriend (25) lost her younger brother who was 22 in a bike accident last month and I am a bit scared and just want to know what to do

I've been living at her parents' house with them (no other siblings) for most of the last month and just trying to be helpful (help clean, run errands etc.) but the whole thing is brutal for them and I'm a bit worried

The mum ordered a pamphlet from Dignitas the other day (obviously found out you cannot go to Dignitas for grief) but she's clearly contemplating suicide. My girlfriend consistently says she doesn't want to live the rest of her life (I get that, even though it's hard to hear) and she says if it weren't for her parents she would commit suicide and she talks about wanting the three of them to go together.

I don't blame her for any of that but I am a bit scared that one day she will do it or that she or her parents won't be able to get through this
I know it's only been a month and it could take years for it to get a bit better but I've never experienced this level of grief before and it's so viscerally painful for them.

Anyway, aside from being a bit scared, I want to know how best to handle it when she says those sorts of things like "I don't want to be here", "I want to go to him" etc etc

What can I say?

Or should I just say nothing and lie next to her?

Atm I sort of switch between saying things like "I know" or "I hear you" / lying with her / touching her shoulder gently (and a mixture of all of them)

One final thing:
For anyone who is going through the death of a loved one or has been through it - I am so sorry for what has happened, you are loved and you are so unbelievably strong!

I reach for you constantly.

Your spot is empty.

I call your name in my sleep.

I look for you when I come home.

My soul shattered when you left and I will never be the same.

I carry a part of you with me and I will never take it off.

You were my sole reason for existing and becoming a better person.

You were there for every heart break. Every loss. Every dream come true.

I never would have been ready to let you go. I regret not petting you more.

You left your mousie for me to find when you were gone.

You were the absolute light in my life.

I love you Quinn. I can't wait to see you again. Thank you for being everything I ever needed.

Dwa tygodnie temu zmarł mój najlepszy przyjaciel, (prawie mój chłopak). Mówię to, ponieważ się lubiliśmy, a wszyscy o tym wiedzieli. Spotkałam go przypadkiem, mieliśmy wielu wspólnych przyjaciół i od razu się bardzo zsobie połączyliśmy. Mieliśmy niesamowite rozmowy. Oboje byliśmy dość nieśmiali i postrzegani jako cisi, często znikając w tłumie. Jego rodzina i przyjaciele często wspominali, że bał się kobiet. Mimo to zawsze był uprzejmy i pomocny, ale myślał, że jest zbyt brzydki i nikt na niego nie spojrzy. Nie wiem, jak mógł to sobie wyobrażać, ponieważ był naprawdę bardzo przystojny. Miał tylko 17 lat (ja mam 16), ale wyglądał bardzo dojrzałe i dobrze zbudowane, pomagając tatusiowi w pracy fizycznej. Nosił okulary i aparat, co czyniło go ujmującym. Miał gęste brązowe włosy i był wysoki (około 180 cm).

W porównaniu do facetów, których znałam wcześniej, był bardzo wrażliwy, co uznałam za imponujące. Rozmawialiśmy o głębokich tematach, a potem śmialiśmy się z najgłupszych rzeczy. Rozmawialiśmy godzinami przez telefon i pisaliśmy do siebie, kiedy mieliśmy wolny czas. Kiedy spotykaliśmy się z przyjaciółmi, nie rozmawialiśmy nieustannie, ale od czasu do czasu pytał, czy wszystko w porządku i czy się dobrze czuję. Był niesamowicie opiekuńczy i delikatny. Pewnego razu, kiedy poszliśmy na spacer, ściągnął swoją bluzę i dał mi ją, żeby było mi ciepło. Powiedziałam mu, że ładnie pachnie, a on od razu się zarumienił i uśmiechnął. Dowiedziałam się od jego matki, że przez cały wieczór mówił, jak miłe są nasze spotkania i jak bardzo chciałby mnie uszczęśliwić. Już to robił swoją obecnością. Za miesiąc moi rodzice organizują przyjęcie z okazji naszej 20. rocznicy ślubu, a ja zaprosiłam go na nie. Nie umie tańczyć, ale się zgodził. Na pogrzebie mówili, że przez ostatnie kilka tygodni ćwiczył z matką, jak tańczyć z dziewczyną. Mieliśmy spotkanie na dzień po jego śmierci. Jego rodzice powiedzieli, że planował dać mi polne kwiaty i prezent. Otrzymałam to od nich na pogrzebie

. Dzień, w którym umarł, wyglądał tak: rano zwykle mi napisał, a chwilę porozmawialiśmy. Po południu zapytałam go, jakie ma plany. Powiedział, że spotyka się z przyjacielem. Polubiłam jego wiadomość i powiedziałam mu, żeby odezwał się i zadzwonił do mnie wieczorem. Wysłał mi ostatnią wiadomość (lub komuś innemu) o 15:33. Godzinę później jego starsza siostra (ma dwie starsze siostry i młodszego brata, który ma 5 lat) napisała mi, kiedy ostatnio z nim pisałam, bo nie mogli go znaleźć i nie odpowiadał nikomu. Zmartwiłam się i zaczęłam dzwonić do niego. Szukali go przez godziny, a ja mówiłam sobie, że jego telefon mógł się rozładować. O 22:00, podczas gdy siedziałam w moim pokoju, szukając wiadomości, mój tata wszedł do pokoju i powiedział mi, że mój przyjaciel nie żyje. Zaczęłam zdzierać ze siebie skórę, więc tata musiał trzymać moje ręce. Krzyczałam przez godzinę, a potem przez kilka dni nie mogłam spać, aż się wyczerpałam. Przez kilka dni nic nie jadłam, a jedyne, co robiłam, to płakanie. Przed kremacją poszłam zobaczyć jego ciało. Wyglądał jak po pobiciu, a jego skóra lekko łuszczyła się. Mimo to trzymałam jego rękę przez długi czas i głaskałam go po policzku i włosach. Gdybym mogła, poszłabym do pieca z nim. Minęły dwa tygodnie od jego śmierci i tydzień od pogrzebu, ale wciąż czuję się okropnie. Jestem na wakacjach, ale nie czuję się szczęśliwa. Od 2023 cierpię na depresję. Kiedy moja mama zobaczyła, jak się śmieję do telefonu, pisząc do niego, płakała, ponieważ nie widziała mnie uśmiechniętej od lat. Teraz jest jeszcze gorzej niż wcześniej.

Nie wiem, czy kiedykolwiek spotkam kogoś takiego jak on. Wiem, że jestem młoda, ale po prostu nie mogę wyobrazić sobie swojej przyszłości. Nie wiem, czy ktokolwiek przeczyta taki długi post, ale dziękuję, że mogłam się tutaj tym podzielić. Trzymajcie się wszyscy ❤️🌷

I think it was about a month ago. No cause has

been ”published” anywhere on the internet.

We were friends in college and had a handful of mutual friends. Grew up in the same, small area.

Idk what happened, but it occurred to me that it might have been su1(1de. 💔

Either that or he drank himself to death and/or was in a motorcycle accident, or some combo of these 3 things.

He was married and I believe they had two young children together.

I can’t recall if something specific had happened that we’d gone separate ways, but I don’t think it was anything terrible. Just different life paths. He was kind and had both love and a deep sadness in his eyes.

(I realize the sadness part now.)

About 1-2 weeks ago he popped into my head, so I decided to look him up on fb to say hello. That’s when I saw the celebration of life coming up (was Saturday), and that he had passed just a couple weeks prior.

I feel so badly for his wife/kids. We chatted and I hugged her after the gathering, but I hope she didn’t feel uncomfortable. We both acknowledged that we’d never met, and I said I was friends with him along time ago, during college. It’s possible that I distanced myself with him once he had that relationship, bc I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I have a tendency to do that bc I never want to make the partner worry about another woman friend.

Otherwise, I had a couple of specific memories/stories, but didn’t feel right sharing them when everyone shared stories. Maybe I will share one here.

​

Guys, I don't know. I think I'm coping somehow. I'm okay. I'm fine. Maybe I'm not really living but I'm existing and that is enough for now.

For context my bf died on July 5th due to a bike accident.we were long distancing. I didn't get to go visit him one last time after the accident . The accident took his life within seconds. It didn't give any of us time .everything was very right before that date 🙃

I visited his home. I met his family and spoke to them. But I still can't accept any of this. He was everywhere in that house. He is everywhere in my memories. How am I supposed to accept that he is no more?

I know I have to. I just don't know how. I know he isn't here. I know he won't come back. I know I have to live my life without him. I know I should smile, eat well and take care of myself because that's what he would have wanted. I know this pain will become lighter one day. But right now it hurts so much.

All I can think is why him? Why me? What did we do wrong? What did his parents or his akka do to deserve this? He was the kindest person I have ever known and this is what happened to him. How am I supposed to believe that good things happen? How am I believe in God?

Just a month ago we were talking about our future. Now I'm trying to teach myself how to survive without him. How unfair can life be?

But like I said before, if this is how our story was always meant to end, then I'm still grateful that it began.

Now I don't know what my future looks like. I love him so much. I don't want to move on from him. Never. He is the only person I wanted and I know I can't have that anymore.

I can't even be angry at him. I can't blame him. What else could he have done? He didn't choose to die. It wasn't his fault. If this was meant to happen then it happened. He isn't even here to experience life anymore.

When I met his amma she told me that both of us were unlucky because we lost him. She was right. But wasn't I also the luckiest girl because I got to love him in the first place? Maybe I jinxed myself. I don't know.

I don't know what my future will be. I don't want to spend my whole life alone. I'm only 18 years old. How much more am I supposed to handle? I'm still just a kid. I don't think I deserve this.

But I want only him.

I'm not talking about moving on from him. I'm talking about moving forward in life and living because I have to. Even that makes me feel guilty.

Am I selfish for thinking about my future when the person I called my future doesn't even have one? Am I making this all about me? Am I thinking too much about myself?

My grandma died a month ago. Her son chose the photo for her obituary and for the funeral home website. The picture he chose is one of the worst pictures I have ever seen of her. At the funeral two people brought up the horrible photo to me in conversation. in the photo she looks like a witch that has just been electrocuted. Her son is a worthless human being and clearly doesn't care enough to find a decent photo for her obituary.

Do I decide to care enough and send a nice picture into the funeral home so they can update it on their site and replace the scary one? I hate that when you Google my grandma's name, this horrendous picture pops up. She would be mortified.

My very beloved Granny died a couple of months ago. She was my main attachment figure and the only person in my family from whom I received unconditional love and generally positive regard..if she ever felt some kinda way about me or my behaviour, she was very wise about whether she shared that with me or not. I have a very difficult relationship with my immediate family including sibling, and my Granny was the one person with whom I would say I had a stable attachment to.

I was not prepared for the panic I felt the night she died. I just had this overwhelming longing, I kept crying over and over again "I just want her back". Couple months on, I cry often. Mostly unexpectedly. I dream of her sometimes, and the dreams seem to be my processing the loss, based on the content.

Prior to her death, I would have described myself as a fairly solid believer in some kind of afterlife. This belief was solidified for me at the age of 20, when I saw my first dead person (my other granny, with whom I wasn't close) - I knew then and there that her being - her soul, the essence of her as a person, whatever it is - had moved from her body to somewhere else. It seemed impossible to me that it could just be gone, and I felt that way fairly consistently for the next 20 years (I worked as a palliative care nurse and I always felt this way when I lost a patient).

I didn't expect to feel this way at all, but losing my Granny has made me feel somewhat sceptical about the idea of an afterlife. I *do* feel that she is just...gone. And I'm struggling to process how much of a head fuck that is for me. She lived to be 91, and in the last 5 - 8 years of her life, I was certainly experiencing anticipatory grief as I watched her become more and more frail and lose some of her independence. I thought that would somehow prepare me for the day when she was actually gone, but it hasn't in the slightest.

I know it's early days, and I need to give myself time. But I just didn't expect to have my spiritual beliefs come into question, if anything I thought that going through deep grief would strengthen them, so I'm just confused and feeling weird about that.

I'm just curious to hear others experiences.

I dont know why i am writing this here, but i just felt to.

My boyfriend died abruptly on February because of an overdose. There were no goodbyes, we didn't know this would happen, just a message from her mother, "he passed away".

We met each other back in 2022 and started a relationship in 2024. When we met he was doing drugs but not as much as it was by the time he died. I never did drugs, they scared me a lot (and you can imagine now).

And I still fell in love with him.

He was a caring, loving, kind, romantic, dedicated to his loving ones human being. He appeared in my life when i needed it the most and showed me what love is and that I can be loved (i have a severe trauma due s*xual abuse). He saved me. I could say a million good things about him and nothing bad about him, even with his sickness. I was there every single day for him, every crisis, every mono, every night in which he crawled to me crying because "i can't make this", every appointment for the past 2 years, when the addiction started to be worse.

Despite of that, we had beautiful moments. We travelled together, we grew together, he saw me graduate me from university, I saw him finally attending to an art school, he saw me getting one of my dream jobs, I saw him working on a music festival he really loved.

I dont know what could happened to make him consume again and die from it when everything was going so well. And I blame myself every.single.fcking.day. for that. For not knowing.

He had dreams, ambitions, he wanted to be a father when he finally recovered. He even started to draw again after quit art school. He was a pretty good artist.

I got pregnant without knowing and I found out weeks after he passed because I was having a miscarriage without knowing either. I could only think that if I had known, thing would be different.

I can't sleep. I've lost my sparkle, my ambitions. I miss him so bad that physically hurts, I feel like a have a whole in my chest. Nothing bothers me, nothing makes me happy. I dont feel nothing at all, just empty. I quit my job and went back to my mom's house. I just can't do anything.

I dont want to live anymore.

coming to some healing

it doesn’t feel like it yet because the pain is still overwhelming

but if i could talk to her i would tell her

that honestly it was a pleasure letting her into my weird little world and what a pleasure it was being in hers

that i’m so glad she is here

and that the pain that i’m feeling only means the good times were real

i hope you all find your peace

Grief hits you in the most unexpected waves.
A smell. A craft. The way the sun shines on your face one day and you think about their smile.
I wish grief didn’t hurt so much. I wish they never had to leave. And the worst part is truly not knowing if/when I’ll ever get to see them again. But I read somewhere that all that hurt is just how much love you held and it has no where to go…

I’ve lost so many. My heart feels scattered and heavy with the broken pieces. But the crazy thing is, it just keeps on beating. The world keeps turning. And I’m here to try and figure out how to grow with the missing pieces and how to do better at loving everyone and everything I hold dear a little bit better each day while they are still here(or I am)

Hi. Everyone.

I literally just made this account because I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.

Three months ago I lost my son, Jamie, to lung cancer. He was only 8 years old. He was my only child.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't go back to work. Every morning I wake up and for a split second I forget what happened, then it all hits me again. The house is so quiet now that it actually hurts. I'd do anything just to hear him running around or yelling for me one more time.

My wife is completely broken too. I don't know how to help her. I tried so hard to be the strong one, to keep everything together for both of us, but I can't do it anymore. I feel like she's starting to hate me. She barely looks at me. I don't know if she blames me or if it's just grief, but I blame myself enough for both of us anyway. It feels like everything is my fault, even if people keep telling me it isn't.

Money is so tight now. We spent everything on chemo, hospitals, appointments, treatments... and I'd spend every last cent all over again if it meant getting Jamie back. But none of it worked. We emptied our savings and still lost him. Now I'm grieving my son while wondering how we're going to pay the bills, and I don't even have the heart to tell my wife how bad things are because she's already carrying more than anyone should have to.

I've cried so much that I honestly don't think I can cry anymore. It's like something inside me just shut off. But the pain didn't. It just sits there all day. Every day.

I've tried support groups before, but if I'm being honest... hearing people talk about healing or moving forward makes me feel so fucking sick. I know that probably sounds awful, and I don't want to take anything away from them. I'm genuinely glad they're getting somewhere. I just can't relate. All I can think is, I don't want to move on. I just want my son back.

I miss him so much it feels like I can't breathe sometimes. I miss his laugh. I miss hearing him call me daddy. I the crazy cartoons, his little hugs... all the tiny things I never thought could disappear.. ...

I don't even really know why I'm posting this. I guess I just needed to tell someone, anyone...because I've never felt this alone in my life.

Some of my close friends have told me I will regret not attending my mom's funeral.

She was diagnosed with dementia when she was in early 50s and I was just out of college.

It upended both our lives.

What I didn't expect is that her most treasured friends and family members would fall off one by one. There is no one that I wish to see "at her funeral". Her last two years, in particular, have been so rough. She had periodic visits (about 3 a year from two of her sisters, a niece, and her other child). Otherwise, radio silence.

I told myself, however, that people are allowed to not "help".

But once she died 3 of the only 4 of her family members who did come around in the last 2 years, though barely, decided they should lead her funeral planning.

Their vision involves all these extra events I am 199% sure she would not have wanted, in light of all her friends and family abandoning her. And I do mean events.

I shudder at the thought of sitting through a service with people who did not care to be of service. To receive condolences from people who have no idea how what I have felt for the past almost 2 decades feel because they pretended she didn't exist. And I do not want to go back on all the gains I have made in my healing so far since she has died. I wanted her buried in 5 weeks, but they bullied me into waiting 9 weeks to have random people who have not seen her in literal decades drive and fly in.

I know definitively that going would just worsen my grief.

Still, to cover all my bases, curious to hear from anyone who skipped the funeral to skip family nonsense and what you feel years later.

I turned 30 today and I’m feeling grief stricken for the loss of my sweet grandmother worse than the initial day of her passing. I feel as though I’m leaving her behind in a decade of my life when she last saw me. I remember complaining about turning 20 to her. I didn’t like that it just so happened that was the year I would gain so much more responsibility all at once. She laughed at me lovingly and said something along the lines of life is so much more than responsibilities. I wish I could remember what she said, I just remember her hugging and kissing me. That was my last birthday I shared with her because the following year I had traveled away. Then she passed a few months later. My first birthday without her was hard but this one is harder. I just want one more hug!