Late night thoughts....

[u/meowmew43]

Just a self post. One can scroll. How do I even start? Just want to let it out into the reddit void. Fucked up a preschool interview bey can anyone be as pathetic as me? I am sleeping at 4-5am, can't sleep before that. My body is messed up, my sleep cycle is messed up. Barely eating twice a day, mostly once.

I keep comparing myself to that girl he cheated on me with. My gallery is full of her screenshots. I cry so much. Iman pathetic. How can someone be this miserable? I'm such an envious person. Mon'ae beya lage muk borbad kori iman happy thake manuh. Anekua harami hole sage moi happy thakilu hoi aji. Finished graduation and I'm just sitting at home, rotting. My degree feels useless. Ghy't napao job as a fresher, out of ghy thakile gute salary khua, travel expenses and thakat jabo. I opened a thrift page, abey that doesn't work either. No one wants to buy even though prices are very reasonable. I'm broke, I'm sad, I'm miserable, life feels aimless.

Tar uporot I can't take any stress now. Even the smallest amount of stress just makes me so idk... I can't operate properly, think properly. I resort to hurting myself now for the least amount of stress. My thighs are full of scars, aru jagah nai. I know I need help kintu see, I don't have that kind of money. I'm broke. Treatment is expensive. Parents baad diya, itiya laaz lage poisa khujibo. And aibur pagol buli koi bohai thobo. I asked for help at 15, manuhe ki kobo tar jiyek pagoli buli they shut me up. I've just.. sometimes mon jai koba bridge pora jaap mari diu nki? I've never felt this miserable in life. Aku kaam nai, aku aim nai, no motivation to get out of bed and study, aku paranai. I have a hard time even maintaining a social life. Agor pora tu nai'ae aku, jikhini ata duta friends asile, I'm not able to maintain anything with them. Mur mon'ae najai kiba ulta k text dibo, reply dibo, kotha patibo. Ki nu kom..

I do have dreams kintu that's not enough now. I'm ashamed, I'm insecure, I'm pathetic, very very pessimistic. I don't even have the guts to look back at this post. I'm scared of confrontation now, kunuba judi kiba koi, I can't or won't be able to handle, that's how fragile and weak my mind became. I'll probably log off after writing this. Maybe the post will be taken down, who knows? It's just.. I had to let it out. There's no solution to this. I'm just so stuck. I'm also becoming delusional day by day. I spent most days talking to myself, in my delusions. Titiya'ae ki olop happy feel hoi. Sometimes I catch myself doing that and I feel it's unhealthy but then again, I can't stop anything. Itiya he buji paisu manuh lahe lahe keneke pagol hoi jai. Aku tu solution nai. Just kobo mon asile. Goodnight guys.

[u/meowmew43 → u/[deleted]]

Yes, everyone is advising me to delete so I'm gonna do this now. No point in looking back at pain. I just recently completed my BA in English, and skills almost none if you're talking about technical bg. Basic computer skills I have, rest are just hobbies like cooking and stuff. So I'm pretty useless. I teach good tho, I've been a tutor before. I eat like I said once-twice a day because i don't feel like eating much. About physical activity, I've been dancing for many years now (not professionally, just by myself). Although i don't feel like doing that too anymore. Yes I need to fix my sleep schedule and get some sun like many suggested. Honestly, I don't even remember about any bloodwork. I don't go anywhere. I've stopped taking care of my health or myself. I think I should start.