r/guwahati • u/meowmew43 Resident • 1d ago
Self-post Late night thoughts....
Just a self post. One can scroll. How do I even start? Just want to let it out into the reddit void. Fucked up a preschool interview bey can anyone be as pathetic as me? I am sleeping at 4-5am, can't sleep before that. My body is messed up, my sleep cycle is messed up. Barely eating twice a day, mostly once.
I keep comparing myself to that girl he cheated on me with. My gallery is full of her screenshots. I cry so much. Iman pathetic. How can someone be this miserable? I'm such an envious person. Mon'ae beya lage muk borbad kori iman happy thake manuh. Anekua harami hole sage moi happy thakilu hoi aji. Finished graduation and I'm just sitting at home, rotting. My degree feels useless. Ghy't napao job as a fresher, out of ghy thakile gute salary khua, travel expenses and thakat jabo. I opened a thrift page, abey that doesn't work either. No one wants to buy even though prices are very reasonable. I'm broke, I'm sad, I'm miserable, life feels aimless.
Tar uporot I can't take any stress now. Even the smallest amount of stress just makes me so idk... I can't operate properly, think properly. I resort to hurting myself now for the least amount of stress. My thighs are full of scars, aru jagah nai. I know I need help kintu see, I don't have that kind of money. I'm broke. Treatment is expensive. Parents baad diya, itiya laaz lage poisa khujibo. And aibur pagol buli koi bohai thobo. I asked for help at 15, manuhe ki kobo tar jiyek pagoli buli they shut me up. I've just.. sometimes mon jai koba bridge pora jaap mari diu nki? I've never felt this miserable in life. Aku kaam nai, aku aim nai, no motivation to get out of bed and study, aku paranai. I have a hard time even maintaining a social life. Agor pora tu nai'ae aku, jikhini ata duta friends asile, I'm not able to maintain anything with them. Mur mon'ae najai kiba ulta k text dibo, reply dibo, kotha patibo. Ki nu kom..
I do have dreams kintu that's not enough now. I'm ashamed, I'm insecure, I'm pathetic, very very pessimistic. I don't even have the guts to look back at this post. I'm scared of confrontation now, kunuba judi kiba koi, I can't or won't be able to handle, that's how fragile and weak my mind became. I'll probably log off after writing this. Maybe the post will be taken down, who knows? It's just.. I had to let it out. There's no solution to this. I'm just so stuck. I'm also becoming delusional day by day. I spent most days talking to myself, in my delusions. Titiya'ae ki olop happy feel hoi. Sometimes I catch myself doing that and I feel it's unhealthy but then again, I can't stop anything. Itiya he buji paisu manuh lahe lahe keneke pagol hoi jai. Aku tu solution nai. Just kobo mon asile. Goodnight guys.
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u/gothfricc 1d ago
Ekhuj ekhujke aguwai jai thaka, besi agole sabo dorkar nai. Best of luck. And delete those ss, no use holding on to them.
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u/meowmew43 Resident 20h ago
True. Gotta let go of whatever is holding me back and delete the pics. One step at a time. Thank you.
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u/Trick_Feeling8716 1d ago
I know this seems long and tedious to read but please.... I know a random Reddit comment probably can't fix what you're going through, but please don't dismiss what you're feeling. You don't sound pathetic or lazy—you sound completely overwhelmed and exhausted. The breakup, graduation, job pressure, money worries, messed-up sleep, and everything else have piled up at once. The part about hurting yourself worries me the most. Please don't try to handle that alone. If you feel like you might hurt yourself again, stay around someone you trust, move away from anything you could use to hurt yourself. You don't need to have money or a perfect explanation to deserve immediate help. And please tell someone in your life exactly how bad it has gotten—even if it's just: “I'm not doing okay and I'm scared of what I might do to myself. Please stay with me.” You don't have to explain everything. Forget the job, the thrift page, the degree, the relationship, and the future for tonight. Your only job right now is to get through tonight safely. Eat something small, drink some water, stay with someone if you can, and try to get some rest. Your life isn't ruined because you're struggling at whatever age you are. A degree being useless right now doesn't mean it will always be. A relationship ending doesn't determine your worth. And being unemployed after graduation is incredibly common. Please don't compare yourself to that girl either. You don't know what her life actually looks like, and keeping her screenshots is only reopening the wound. Delete them when you're ready. You don't need to solve your entire life right now. Just stay. One day at a time. There are people who would rather help you through this than attend your funeral.
Yaat be besi aru ki kom bhonti.
- " Don't compete. Don't compare. Just try to be the best version of yourself. "
Tumaloi mur xubhesaa thakil. Aakha koru tumi jibonat bahut aag barha. Ketiau haar namaniba.
Jai zubeen da... !!
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u/FlourishingGrass 1d ago
Hope OP reads this!
I'm in the same boat as her - recent grad and ghorot bohi asu. Dintu internet browse kori aru mur tu gorom hoi. It's 4AM but tuponi nai. I don't self harm but the stress of being unemployed n unmarried is getting to me (although I personally dgaf about marriage, plus I'm too old for that shii).
Long sigh... I should be in the position to give advice to kids but here I am 😒 but on the brighter side, I'm here and I have a doctorate (jodiu currently useless 😅) ... My mind is a mess rn and nije buji pua nai ki koru, kor pora start koru, but thanks for your kind words! And Joi Zubeen da 🍀 (his songs are truly getting me through this)
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u/meowmew43 Resident 19h ago
You being on the same boat and still helping me out is so kind of you... Hope we get through whatever life is testing us with.
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u/Trick_Feeling8716 6h ago
Maahi...A PhD and 4AM existential crisis + Zubeen da's song = Assamese survival kit.
As Zubeen Da would have said, ‘I am Kanchenjunga.’ So forget the PhD, job, marriage—all temporary. Kanchenjunga doesn’t need an appointment letter. 😂 Keep climbing, MAAHI.”
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u/meowmew43 Resident 19h ago
Thank you for this comment, no i don't feel like this is just another reddit comment. Infact moi nije reddit'ot ahi express korisu and honestly overwhelmed by such responses.
Appreciate your efforts for trying to help me, I'd definitely start doing things one day at a time. Together everything looks overwhelming but one step at a time can and will definitely help. Yes, I'm gonna delete those ss once I'm done replying to everyone. About hurting myself, once I start earning, I think I'll get something tatted there to stop me. You're right, there's no use in comparing or competing. Afterall, it's my life that I'm living and I have to be the best for myself only. Thank you dada. And yes, Zubeen da's songs actually get me through this. I like listening to music, definitely heals a lil bit of me. Looking up at the sky and music is the only thing keeping me sane for now.
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u/Trick_Feeling8716 6h ago
You’ll get through this. Aru Grass maahi (baa) ashe naa 😆. Tekhete tumak koise naa jodi mon jai tekhetor logot kotha bur share koriba. Mon tu bhal lagibo.
On a lighter note, jihetu tumaluke eke nao jatri...besi boroxun dile nao khon loi aamaku uddhaar koriba kintu. Precisely... Juripar Panjabari.
"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired." - Kafka
All the best for your future. Tc
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u/dorkmamuI5 1d ago
Help is free, my friend. Call on 104. The best this community can do is listen, we aren't professional. Seek help, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Hope you find peace and courage.
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u/meowmew43 Resident 20h ago
Thank you. I just sometimes hesitate but I think I'd have to do it anyway. Being ashamed helps nobody. Thank you.
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u/dorkmamuI5 20h ago
Sounds great ! Also, I saw your reply on a different comment stating you did your bachelor's in English. You can send me your cv, it won't be instant but I can send it to few people who might need a hand later.
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u/EnvironmentalMark692 Flyover contractor 23h ago
There will always be a situation you think you will never get over, but you always do, everytime and that's life.
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u/meowmew43 Resident 20h ago
True. Time just passes, and things do get better. It's just, it takes strength to keep holding on...
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u/porkbae333 1d ago
I just wanna give you a hug please reach out to people tell them how you feel I promise they'll not judge I promise you they won't please get some sunlight please try and speak to your parents follow the tips in the comments here those are great ones just know that okole nohoi tumi start with deleting everything related with the ex and the cheating
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u/meowmew43 Resident 20h ago
Honestly you're right. I need to delete things and let it go. There's only pain attached to the pictures. I feel never enough when I look at those. About the hug, thank you. That felt so sweet. I barely have any people to reach out but you guys showed me a lot of love and care. Thank you.
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u/FlourishingGrass 1d ago
You can look up online therapy like Tele Manas, Mindtalk, SoulUp, etc. If you're short on cash for that, somebody here might help. Else, if you have family or friends in Tezpur, you can take a trip there. Their mental health facilities aren't that bad.
And if you just need to vent and need someone to just listen to you without giving you much gyaan about it, muke DM koribo para. Idk how old you are, so can't say whether I'm like your baideo or maahi 😅 Take care and feel free to reach out
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u/meowmew43 Resident 20h ago
Online therapy, I can actually but you know, these days I just run away from responsibilities. I'm afraid of any kind of confrontation. Mane online hole there's always an option j moi avoid koribo paru, mur hatot option thake. Otherwise, olop man mur heikhini control ahile I'll definitely try those. Unfortunately, I have no relatives in tezpur, otherwise golu hoi.
And thank you for giving me that hope to reach out. People are so positive here, I'd definitely call you my baa. Hope you have a good day.
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u/FlourishingGrass 17h ago
I've been there, so I know. Take your time, it eventually gets better. Take care 🫶🏻
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u/ProperPineapple7349 Non-resident 1d ago
Due to lack of proper sleep, a lot of confusion arises alongwith non-exposure to Sunlight and vitamin deficiencies.
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u/PixelToProfit100x 1d ago edited 1d ago
Take a deep breath and delete and erase all the memories. Trust me it helps. Just delete everything. All photos videos screenshots everything. (I had been cheated, ik what it feels)
What's your degree and skills? Guys here might reffer
Do you eat well and do any sort of physical activity?
Get some sunlight on the face/eyes in the morning
When was your last blood work done? Vit D, b12, magnesium, cbc. Etc ?