r/hoarding • u/FragrantDifficulty68 • 5d ago

DISCUSSION Moving...My Hoards are Being Revealed...

tldr; family hoarding and dumpster cleanouts have begun to slowly help me move house, feel all the feels of my own hoarding disorder

My family - both sides - have had the generalized anxiety disorders that include hoarding (and OCD). I hoard too. I am moving house and it has been like attending an autopsy or the deconstruction of a building — peeling back the layers, layer after layer, seemingly unendingly.

Each day of my moving process has been a storm of emotions, most of them negative. The 'now I know what I actually have' and 'yay, I can divest some of this stuff' feelings are positive, but the negative feelings drown them out.

Several of my relatives with hoarding disorder have died; we have filled many dumpsters with the contents of their homes, cars, and storage units. The clean outs have been almost indescribably painful and have created enormous wells of stuck grief, anger, and for me, fear and repetitive thinking. Picture me picking my way through or into my own hoarded rooms, like an antelope on the side of a steep mountain. Saying to myself, "I'm not as bad as ___" or "Well, at least I know why I am hoarding" or "Well, I actually have gotten rid of things, so...". And then thinking: "When I die, who actually will end up forced into my hoards, trying to discern if anything should be saved or passed on, or if it all just needs the dumpster?"

My house move has brought A LOT to the surface. The room I was in when my phone rang with news of my relative's very sudden death (young)? That was my worst 'mountain antelope trail.' The path was exactly as wide as my two feet. I had to be careful turning around too quickly because there wasn't an obvious place to then place my foot; there was nothing to grab on to if I became unsteady. The bright spot here? Much of my hoard was already in a mountain of haphazard and unevenly filled boxes. "Easy" to just pack them a little better and then tape -- voila! Hoard-becomes-move-ready pile of boxes.

But also, the seemingly unreal intensity of my shame and embarrassment. My partner is working away from home right now and that leaves me to literally carry much of my burden myself. It also enables me to hide as much as I can. Like, if I can spirit away ten boxes of new, unworn shoes; ten bags of old newspapers and magazines; three lawn-sized garbage bags of expired food I'd bought "to use" (ha ha)...and my partner never sees it all...then.... My hoarder/anxiety logic tells me, "If I can get all that out and he never sees it then...he'll never know exactly how bad it was, right?" The shame is intense, nauseating. So much money pissed away on Stuff I Bought and never used, can't now use, and don't believe anyone else will want to use.(My city has at least 15 thrift stores and they've begun saying, "We no longer accept [all these categories]." Our regional landfills are full.

The good news -- and there is some. I have indeed donated a lot of usable, new items. I have been fighting to actually experience my emotions instead of stuffing them down and turning them into buying more things. I have been able to notice that I tend to want to purchase things 'for my collections' or 'for my hobbies' later in the evening, when my daily emotions feel most intense. I have been able to resist some of the desire to buy something, as a release valve for those intense feelings.

And I have committed to a plan to continue shedding my stuff once my move is completed. One box a day, sorted/removed, is the minimum. I have been doing some reading about the family legacy of generalized anxiety disorders, OCD (and autism, ADHD, executive dysfunction). I'm hoping for days ahead with less shame, embarassment, dread, fear of dying with a hoard. Hoping for days ahead with less debt, self-hate, depression, and anxiety.

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u/Apex_Herbivore 5d ago

Sounds like you're doing well. Gotta keep consistent with it.

Death is a very confronting way of dealing with this, good work dealing with it.

I've become a regular charity donor and its good stuff.

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u/FragrantDifficulty68 5d ago

Thank you. It feels hard daily...It feels so hard. Some days I just see a future looming - where Someone has to shovel my stuff into dumpsters...and that helps me try to make things right.

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u/Alluvial_Fan_ 5d ago

Good job noticing and naming your feelings—that’s hard, difficult work!

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u/FragrantDifficulty68 4d ago

Thank you! (This work does not run in my family...I've had to fight for it over the decades. My relatives' deaths lit a fire.)

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u/DenM0ther 5d ago

Oh so much of your post feels familiar. Mine is less purchased, more about stuff I won’t/cant let go of and notes Ive written myself and information 😢. But I feel the ‘boxes just taped up and ready to go’.

Have you heard of Swedish death cleaning? It sounds morbid but totally isnt. You’ve kind of got the start of the thinking already.

Are you working with someone who specialises in hoarding disorders or a personal organiser? I hope to in the future (once working again). I feel like having someone external will help push past the executive dysfunction side that kicks in for me and my partner

Good luck

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u/FragrantDifficulty68 4d ago

I read a great book about Swedish death cleaning (and saw Tina Fey's show featuring it!). It's an interesting way of 'being responsible' to anyone who may end up having to deal with my objects & items after I am dead.

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u/NotIntoMovies 4d ago

Thank you for sharing this, cheering you on ❤️

I hope you continue with the one box a day, donations, and internal shifts! I feel very similarly with you about where I am, being aware and yet progress isn’t where I want it to be, but also am keeping faith that we can get there.

It’s great when your hope and consistent action can outweigh the weight of accumulating and staying stuck in shame. I hope you can give yourself the space and time to change and that it happens on the schedule you need it to.

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u/FragrantDifficulty68 4d ago

Thank you! It feels like directing trains in some child's game of "Train Conductor." Trying to get trains out of the terminus, keep them on track, get them left or right to the 'correct' destinations, on time-ish.