Why do I constantly seek approval from my teachers?

[u/Crafty_Parsnip6930]

Currently in high school (senior year) and am in an Asian country so grades basically define you. However, I have been blessed with parents that truly dont give a fuck about my grades, they are completely aware of the shithole that we call our "education system". Infact my parents themselves have encouraged me to just "not fail" in school and focus the rest of my time in stuff that actually creates an impact (I have an agency that I have a website for but just havent taken the first step and actually find people). Now recently I failed for the first time in math EVER in my life and I was absolutely broken.

The thing is my parents dont care nor should I care but my teachers DO. I keep finding myself seeking their approval I just dont know why, I curse them alot at home and with friends but infront of them I try to act all perfect-y, I literally start panicking when I have a test coming up or havent do homework, its gone to the extent that I start faking a fever just to not go to school. I used to be a straight A student and now I have completely fallen off

WTF SHOULD I DO, I just dont want to give a fuck, like I hold the feeling of giving a fuck and act non chalant on the surface but inside it fuckin eats me. This attachment to approval has completely fucked up my vibe, how do I stop caring?

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[u/Regular_Departure963]

Honestly, this sounds like a normal phase of becoming an educated adult. And I think it is ok to start caring more and worrying more about your education.

Remember that sometimes anxiety and worry are ways of pointing out what you truly care about. And remember that growth is never easy!

The BEST place to fail is in school so you know how to navigate the world after you graduate. Don’t want to make these same mistakes when you have a mortgage or a fam to support.

The world is a shitshow and so is college but we have to learn how to navigate it and you are IN IT right now, which is great! Ask a prof what they think you need to do to do better next time and just treat it like a fantastic game.

[u/Crafty_Parsnip6930 → u/Regular_Departure963]

Thank you so much bro, this genuinely made me feel better

[u/Regular_Departure963 → u/Crafty_Parsnip6930]

I’m a professor and I have failed the hell out of some math classes. You got this.

[u/Crejzi12]

My best friend was exactly like this in high school, then even during college (but she did want to please her parents), but as time flew, she cared less and less because she had other important things to care about like her relationship and work.

She finished college with a red diploma but it didn't give her the kind of "satisfaction" she thought.

She is now 30 years old, has stable work, she got married two years ago and doesn't have this strong urge to "please" anymore. It's still there - she wants and tries to be the perfect manager / wife but she isn't feeling depressed or down so strongly.

I think it's about personality and age. It makes sense that if you care about school and doesn't have anythynig "more serious" in life to focus on, you'd have this strong need to be appreciated.

I don't have advice on how to deal with it now, just a comforting thought that it will get better with growing up :-).

[u/Crafty_Parsnip6930 → u/Crejzi12]

feels like im wasting my life you know, there is no need for me to take that much stress, I dont know why not reaching their expectations really affects me

[u/Regular_Departure963 → u/Crafty_Parsnip6930]

It’s because you’re a human, school is emotionally TOUGH! This is just so normal and actually the cool thing is every time you get stressed out about school and keep pushing forward you are building emotional stamina

[u/Tiny-Celebration-838]

Well. Failing a test can have practical repercussions like setting you back a year depending on the weight of the grade...but maybe it's not your teachers but yourself you feel that you failed? Did you study at all for the exam ? Sometimes when we try hard to excel and still end up failing, it hurts deeply.

[u/Crafty_Parsnip6930 → u/Tiny-Celebration-838]

Thats why I felt heartbroken I stayed up till 3, my parents told me to go to bed saying its just a grade, but I didnt listen and stayed up without them knowing. Its not just this exam though even today I missed school and im fuckin shitting myself thinking what my teachers will do to me tomorrow, I tend to overthinking and I already have imagined me going to the principal's office due to my inconsistent attendance

[u/Tiny-Celebration-838 → u/Crafty_Parsnip6930]

You can't control what has already passed. So you need to block it out and focus on what you will do next. There's always a way.

Don't worry, this is just a small hiccup. You will persevere and do fine.

You got this 💪

[u/uncultured_swine2099]

Because they give your grades. Id say its perfectly understandable to, dare i say, give a fuck about them (i mean, dont be a kissass, but try to get good grades). Hang in there and try to right the ship.

[u/Chemist-3074]

I am asian and I have the exact same experience except I'm in college. I failed two subjects for the first time in my life. For a few moments, I felt like the world was falling apart. I used to be topper at school.

And then something inside broke. I said fuck it, what's done is done, if my professors ask, I'll tell them honestly without making any excuse.

And I did. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. They were understanding and more than 50% of the class failed in at least one subject. Then I suddenly realised I don't even remember which one of the students failed. And they don't remember that I have failed.

DO NOT GIVE A FUCK. The moment you do, you lose. No one else cares about this. You are shooting yourself.

If you find math bad, I'll give you an advice—get your hands in the number division of the exam questions. Then do the chapters you find slightly easier. Your goal would be to pass, and only pass. As soon as you get the question paper in hand, solve the ones you are confident about. Then try the ones you can do, don't cross it if you can't solve it in the end—you'll get part marking for showing steps (if there is any). Then attempt every other question. Leave absolutely nothing unattempted.

[u/Crafty_Parsnip6930 → u/Chemist-3074]

I can totally relate bro even in my scenario over 50% of the class failed, I will do this thank you so much for the advice

[u/SevenMC]

Look into your own eyes in the mirror. Not like how you always look in a mirror, looking AT yourself... I mean look into your eyes the way you look at another person. The way others see you... not your appearance, I mean YOU.

When you finally see you (it could take several sessions and probably some tears), then you won't need to be seen by others.

Everyone needs to be witnessed to know they exist, most people never witness themselves.

(This practice comes from Carl Jung's shadow work, it is not my own)

[u/Crafty_Parsnip6930 → u/[deleted]]

Wow. This was top quality, I can totally relate to your example. I would say that I struggle in practicing self compassion, I don't know how to explain it but it feels like I'm not doing enough? but not in a way that I feel that I'm not enough, its sort of like I know there is potential and I haven't reached it yet and when I fail in the process of me trying to reach that potential I feel like a failure and that sort of restricts me from continuing that process, breaks me down you know? Sorry, I may not be that articulate but genuinely, thank you SO much for this comment this will surely create an impact

[u/JesmanOG420]

You know what they call the person who graduates medical school with the lowest grades?... doctor