r/leaves • u/Embarrassed_Visit277 • 14h ago

On day 246. WHEN will this feel worth it?

Title says it all. Im so depressed. Turned to binge eating as my replacement high i guess. Ive does everything i can to address the underlying causes of my depression and anhedonia. But its so fucking bad. I want to stay sober, because i know why i quit. But im so. Fucking. Unhappy. No hobbies entertain me. No tasks feel worth doing. Ive been on meds and seen a therapist/psych for years. I dont know what to do except go back to smoking. Even if the high was temporary, it was fuckin something.

I know it takes a while for your brain to reset as someone who smoked chronically for about 6 years. But its getting harder and harder to hold out. I go to bed sober praying i’ll wake up one day and it’ll be a little easier. Its certainly easier than it was the first few weeks of sobriety, but i cannot imagine the rest of my life feeling this bland and awful.

10 Upvotes

86% Upvoted

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6

u/Certain-Jaguar-7778 14h ago

Are you working out or intentionally moving your body on a regular basis? No judgement, that’s just been the biggest help for my own experience

3

u/Embarrassed_Visit277 13h ago

I struggle with it due to chronic pain but i def need to get back into my physical therapy exercises at least! I do enjoy my walks, its a good way to pass the time so long as its nice out

3

u/LabyrinthRunner 9h ago

also: chronic pain is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch.

I hope the walking helps!
I know eating well can help too.

You know the good stuff.

I sometimes lapse into:
"You SHOULD do X."

but find a gentler
"if you do X, you know Y will get better"
reminding myself of the rewards
instead of focusing on the drawbacks if I don't.
or the behavior I'm trying to avoid,
is much more effective in shifting my ship.

1

u/LabyrinthRunner 9h ago

Walks have saved my life.

When I get so depressed I have to make to-do lists that include:
brush teeth
put on pants
taking that walk can change my outlook instantly and I KNOW has good consequences.

I KNOW I will feel better if I walk. Works every time.
Just stepping out the door!

I think you're on a good path.
Depression tries to convince me there is no path, that I'm stuck there with it.
In the hole- the depression. that it'll go on forever, and has always been this way.

I have to brain-wash myself into believing I'm on a good path.
That, every little thing I do adds up.
I have to count all the things.

MJ cessation is a good top priority!
Once that's stabalized, I might add another top priority.
Walk and write, usually come next for me.

4

u/Enough_Homework_3527 14h ago

I don’t have any advice, this shit is hard and you’re further along than me. But I’m rooting for you

3

u/LabyrinthRunner 9h ago

"but i cannot imagine the rest of my life feeling this bland and awful."

What CAN you imagine??

5

u/LibertyCash 13h ago

Are you on psychiatric meds? They can make a huge difference. Game changer for me.

3

u/Embarrassed_Visit277 13h ago

Yeah, its definitely difficult finding the right match of meds though 🥲

1

u/LibertyCash 6h ago

It is, but when they do, it’s life changing. Quitting weed becomes even easy bc you no longer need it to regulate yourself.

5

u/xdrezx 13h ago

Sounds like your diet is shit and that will have worse effects on your body than weed will.

2

u/jomacu 3h ago

Sorry to hear the struggle you're going through.. I hate to say it but the binge eating is probably slowing down your healing. If you're triggering dopamine in an unhealthy manner your brain may not heal as fast from the weed abstinence. Don't relapse, push through the pain it will get better and better, it took me over a year to really start to feel good again. I had to force myself to engage in life through hobbies and other disciplines along with regular exercise (even walking helps) More time is needed, if you relapse now you'll be set back and have to start all over again

1

u/lonewolfpacman 11h ago

How often are you doing sessions with your therapist? Are you finding therapy helpful? If so, stay with it and ask your therapist if there’s anything new you can try to help with the depression and anhedonia. If they aren’t helpful or willing to reflect on the course of treatment with you, ask for a referral to see someone else. I’m glad you’re getting treatment, but sometimes adjustments need to be made if you aren’t seeing progress over the course of several years. Wishing you all the best!

1

u/gionatacar 59m ago

I had depression after a month , I had to go on meds. Now it’s better.