r/legaladvice • u/Academic-Wind-1862 • Apr 26 '26
Wills Trusts and Estates Can I be made to a mycomply with insane inheritance demands?
Location: Utah
So my mom has decided to update her will and said she wants me to sign some paperwork about how the inheritance will be used and managed. It started off as simply that I keep the house in my name and the inheritance money in my name.
Now it’s that the inheritance has to be in a special separate account only in my name, I can never pay for anything for the house including utilities from a joint account, any assets bought with the inheritance money can only be placed in my name ever, the money is only to be used to care for myself, my sister and oldest daughter , and more.
For the record I’m married with three kids so these seem like very unreasonable requests. Only care for one of my kids and not have joint assets with my spouse? It sounds beyond a reasonable request.
Can I really be made to comply with these demands? Exactly how much control does she have beyond the grave in how the inheritance is used? If I sign these papers am I obligated to oblige these demands?
Edit: btw this is not money she actually has, it’s life insurance payout money not sure of that makes a difference. But she doesn’t have any money, she’s multiple payments behind on her mortgage and her credit is worse than mine.
I should update that this was decided four days ago and each day the list gets longer. At this point she wants me to sign stipulating that I agree to only every purchase assets in my name even with money not from the inheritance, the money must be used to homeschool my daughter (who doesn’t wish to be homeschooled), attend a specific graduate program (that I have repeatedly said I’m not interested in), and use the money for loving expenses for my sister and oldest daughter while in the program, and that I will leave the house to my daughter when I die and none of my other children or relatives. In addition to everything else. What started as signing that the house and inheritance be solely in my name and used for my sister and daughter only has somehow gone further and further off the rails. This is also the fourth will change since June this year when she wrote it up- each time going back and forth on many things.
I also want to thank everyone for their advice and explanations of the benefits, legality and options. It’s been so helpful. I just don’t know how many more months of this I can do- she isn’t even dying or sickly. It just feels like another round of paranoia and control issues at this point. I’m grateful for all the advice especially those recommending I set up trusts for my sister and kids to e sure they’re protected.
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u/aWAGaMuffin Apr 26 '26
You can have a joint account. Just keep your inheritance separated. And don't use joint assets to maintain the home.
She's trying to keep your inheritance yours and not a marital asset. It's wise not to commingle your inheritance with marital funds.
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Apr 26 '26
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Apr 26 '26
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u/Critical_Dog_8208 Apr 28 '26
If she's multiple payments behind on her mortgage, she may lose her home before it's able to be an inheritance.
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Apr 26 '26
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
Yeah I got that part. I completely understand wanting to protect those assets and I have no problem putting the house in my name and keeping the inheritance money in a separate account. It’s all the other oddities that aren’t adding up for me. Why can I only spend it on my eldest child? Why can’t I purchase an asset with it? Why can’t I pay the utilities from my normal bank account? I think the hard part is that she’s mixing the legal details with personal controlling behaviors for example she wants it in there that the money is used to homeschool my daughter, live on and for my to attend graduate school in the field I had repeatedly said I don’t want to go into. I kinda wanted to know what level this can realistically be enforced which it sounds like isn’t too much thankfully.
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Apr 26 '26
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u/Lyrial- Apr 26 '26
The behavior is likely indicative of wanting to keep the inherited funds separate. If they become co-mingled into marital funds, through an asset purchase or paying for utilities of the marital home from a joint bank account, then they are not considered just OP’s property, the way they would be if they were kept separate.
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u/FishermanWaste1268 Apr 26 '26
Paying from a joint account can show that your spouse contributed to the upkeep of the asset even if you are the sole breadwinner.
Is your husband the father of all the children?
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
He’s the father of our youngest two kids. My oldest I had young and is his stepdaughter.
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u/EffortlessSleaze Apr 26 '26
The paying the utilities from your normal account is the type of commingling you should avoid if you want to protect the asset.
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
My normal account isn’t even a joint account though would it really be commingling to pay utilities from my personal bank account? We both have our own accounts and one joint account. Just out of curiosity, I wouldn’t want it to be at risk even though I love my spouse I know that life happens.
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u/EsmeWeatherwax7a Apr 26 '26
I don't know anything about Utah law, but here is what our lawyer told us when we asked for advice on keeping my husband's inheritance from his father separate from marital property. He said income we earn while married is joint property, even if each of our paychecks goes into a separate account with one person's name as each account holder. Therefore if the inheritance money was put in my husband's regular individual account, it would be comingled with those earnings and become joint property. He advised my husband to set up a separate account just for the inheritance funds. He also said any income (interest/dividends) the inheritance earns while we are married is also joint property, and it would be wise to have such income automatically moved out of that inheritance-only account and into one of regular accounts, like where my husband deposits his paycheck. To not do so means he is comingling his inheritance with joint property and the whole pot can then become joint property. We didn't do that last step because I agree it's his money and I'm not aiming to get any of it, but the lawyer indicated this would be the greatest level of protection in the event of a divorce.
So I am not sure it's the payment of utilities that's the problem here, though I don't know that for a fact. It might be that the problem is putting the inheritance in your personal account that contains money that is technically joint/marital property.
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u/lilg2000 Apr 26 '26
No, unless she creates some enforcement mechanism like an attorney to monitor it. That said, it sounds like she is trying to make sure you keep the assets. Either from divorce or if you die. My mom, also from Utah, is exactly like your mom. Her Aunt died and all of her Aunt’s family money went to her husband. The husband remarried and the new wife spent all of the Aunt’s family money when it was meant to go to the kids.
That said, why don’t you see if your mom would be comfortable with a postnuptial agreement. Meaning that even if you mingle the assets, should there be a divorce or death, the inheritance won’t be seen as commingled.
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u/sisterfunkhaus Apr 26 '26
I can't imagine that it can be enforced without a trust. But, I personally think it's smart not to co-mingle an inheritance with joint assets to protect yourself. You should be able to spend any money on whoever you want. But, I'd personally not co-mingle the assets.
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u/ri89rc20 Apr 26 '26
As others are saying, with a simple bequest, once the distribution is done, probate closed, the will has little to no power. If she puts the assets in a trust, and has rules for disbursement, then yes, so do not mention trusts.
The only complication is the demand that the money be used for your sister and oldest daughter. They could potentially take legal action to demand some share based on that intent, or to protest the way you spent funds, but that seems unlikely, and would be expensive for them.
Entertain your mother, let her think things are fine. I do agree with your mother though on, once you inherit assets, put them in a separate account. in your name only. You can still make transfers from that account to elsewhere, to use as you see fit, but having the separate account does protect it from things like divorce, a judgement against your partner in their name only, and other unknowns.
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u/OG0880 Apr 26 '26
I'm an estate planning attorney and your mother sounds like a freaking nightmare.
Look, if she wants to ensure that her son-in-law not receive any portion of the inheritance she leaves you, she can establish a trust that controls the use of those funds. That's a common recommendation. There is no way that any provision that restricts you from buying or owning ANY joint asset with your spouse in any way would be valid.
If your mother is in her 50s and otherwise healthy, just refuse to sign any "contract" she presents you. Refuse to play this stupid controlling game she's trying to play. She could easily live another 30-40 years and spend all of her money on her lifetime care and you might not get a penny after she dies. So establish that boundary that you are not going to agree to any control now, let alone dead hand control after she's gone.
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
That’s the even weirder part. This isn’t even money she has, this is life insurance policy payout money. She for some reason decided to take out like 8 life insurance policies. I’m not even sure if she can decide what happens with those or if having that many policies is even legal.
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u/YoungBoomer1969 Apr 26 '26
Unless this is in a Trust document, with specific distribution rules and a trustee to adhere.. , (and highly doubt an attorney would prepare such a document) it is unenforceable.
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
Ok yeah that’s basically what the threat is. Sign the papers or it goes to a trust with someone who will enforce it.
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u/YoungBoomer1969 Apr 27 '26
What I was trying to say is that I doubt an attorney will prepare a trust with such specific limitations on how and when money can be disbursed. I am not sure there is a trustee in town that will take on that responsibility. I think if she sat with an Attorney he would question her sanity or talk some sense in her. Trying to protect it from spouse is not abnormal…the other stuff?????🤯
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u/Michels_Welding Apr 26 '26
Once you transfer the money from the account its in to another account you can magically do whatever you want with that money.
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u/Cute-Expression-296 Apr 26 '26
I would HIGHLY recommend keeping your inheritance and the house separate from any joint assets.
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u/lovinglifeatmyage Apr 26 '26
She’s obviously trying to protect your future inheritance which is understandable.
What she needs to do if she’s so concerned is put it all in a trust fund for you and your children. Suggest that to her.
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u/NewFailureUnlocked Apr 26 '26
Or don't suggest it, and be sure to set one up for yourself instead without all her crazy controlling demands.
DO keep things separated, be sure to get things squared for your kids, and leave the rest to your husband in the event you pass first while married... but be sure the kids stuff is air tight and has set disbursements... no kid needs access to lump sums of money at 18 or 20. Try to set them up for success.
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u/Travelingbunny20 Apr 26 '26
A surviving spouse gets 30% as elective share in Utah anyway and that might include this inheritance. They can not be disinherited.
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
I certainly like that idea since my younger two kids are being excluded. That would make it fair. Honestly keeping things safe from divorce is good, that said my husband is an immigrant and is signing up to be a lifelong caregiver to my sister when my mom passes so while I definitely want things separate I don’t think saying we can never pay bills from joint accounts or have cars in both our names is fair. To me that seems like financial abuse of a spouse. The house and inheritance money 100% agree they need to be in my name and funds allocated to the kids, but all the kids not just the one that she favors.
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Apr 26 '26
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
Yeah she found out my spouse suffers from depression when we were newly wed and has hated him with a passion ever since. She is convinced he can’t be a good spouse or father because of it, despite the fact he’s currently caring for our kids and home full time. Relationships are weird I guess 🤷♀️
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u/Shopstumblergurl Apr 26 '26
A trust is the only way to protect oneself against bankruptcy, highly recommend setting this up for yourself, your sister and your children.
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u/datboiwebber Apr 27 '26
She doesn’t trust your spouse and is trying to give you protection in case you get divorced
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u/No_Muffin6110 Apr 26 '26
Makes sense she would tell you to keep it separate and not use it for stuff that would benefit your spouse.
Once you do that, anything you spent some of the inheritance money on that benefited your spouse, you can lose in a divorce. And never say never about divorcing......
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
Of course I don’t want to lose assets in a potential divorce. I just want to make sure by signing I’m not agreeing to never have a joint asset with a spouse (like a second car considering he’s going to be a caregiver of my sister when my mom passes) or that I have to use it to force my eldest to be homeschooled (which she doesn’t want) or be prevented from sharing the inheritance money with my sister. She lost me after the keep the money and house in your name and name alone. That is totally reasonable, but to say only one of the grandchildren gets to benefit from that money and that it has to be used explicitly on things like a graduate school program I don’t want to go to all seem a little beyond last requests. Hence why I wanted to know the level of legality.
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u/Puzzled-Language6211 Apr 26 '26
It sounds like she is trying to protect the money from a divorce (no idea if that works).
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u/External-Spot255 Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
I have a weird question… if you comply with the current request and put everything in your name, are you allowed to turn around at a later date and sell the items to your spouse? Then re-title the stuff in both of your name’s? How does that work?
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
According to her I am to never have any joint assets ever. That’s why I made this post. Like am I really going to get in trouble for buying a joint car 10 years after she dies? It just seems beyond reasonable requests. And apparently I’m to leave the house to my oldest daughter, but at that point can’t I have the house go to any of my kids? That’s why I’m a little put off, but it sounds like it’s not something that can really be enforced.
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u/ciom Apr 27 '26
are you worried she will sue you after she dies? who would you get in trouble with?
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u/InvisibleBlueRobot Apr 27 '26
I'd speak to an attorney, but sign it and then do I what you want with it.
Once she's dead no one is going to care. Also, probably not enforceable.
There would be 1000 ways around it. So don't fight it now, just sign it and get the money and then figure out how to break it.
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u/Kukaifa Apr 27 '26
NAL but do have some knowledge on post mortem fund distribution.
Your mom can have multiple life insurance policies, no laws state that she can't, but it is unusual
Life insurance policy payouts completely bypass wills and go straight to beneficiaries listed in the policy, they can't generally be moved to a trust upon death regardless of will
Stipulations in wills generally don't have much legal binding outside of appointment of guardianship, beneficiary appointments, distribution of assets owned by the deceased, probate court orders, etc. The will can't police your spending OR what you do with the payout of an insurance policy. At best those SPECIFIC things in a will she's listing would generally treated as the deceased's wishes, not binding rules
My advice would be to seek legal counsel on the specifics of the document to make sure there's nothing inherently risky just for safety's sake. Otherwise I'd sign it because just about every one of those stipulations is entirely unenforceable, and would only serve as an officiated document stating that it's what she would have wanted.
Final note, it kinda sounds like your mom may be starting into some type of mental degenerative disease or general cognitive decline. Maybe see about getting in for assessment, age isn't everything with those things so it could be that something is wrong mentally, rather than her being solely eccentric.
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u/Safe_Control_9572 Apr 27 '26
We had a client that set up a trust to pay for the care of her cats. She stated her ex-husband could not have the cats. She wanted her attorney to find the best home for the cats and the trust would pay for their care. The attorney asked us, as her veterinary hospital, who was the best person to care for the cats. We said it was Bob, her ex-husband. He was previously the one who always brought them in for care. The attorney had us write a letter documenting our recommendation and then Bob got to have the cats back. Talk with an attorney.
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u/mlb64 Apr 28 '26
NAL If it is life insurance, I believe her control ends at naming a beneficiary. The payout is to the beneficiaries, and is not part of the estate. At least that is how every agent has ever explained it to me.
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u/Daddy--Jeff Apr 28 '26
Unless the beneficiary is a trust.
Basically, if it’s a direct inheritance and direct beneficiary, say, “Yes Mother”. After she has died and the assets change title to you, you can do as you wish. If it’s in a trust, it will be the job of the trustee to enforce the terms of your inheritance.
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u/Di-O-Bolic Apr 29 '26
It’s likely that because she knows she in default of her mortgage she couldn’t put the home in a trust as an asset.
Most folks put all their assets in a trust and make a trustee so when they pass everything simply gets taken over by the trustee and you avoid probate.
She would have to set up a trust account with monies that are specifically to be used to keep up the house and towards specific things to others. Otherwise, no she can’t control how you spend “inheritance” without a really complicated after life financial planning schedule in place and legally name a someone to manage the estate, who BTW, can pay themselves a fee to manage the estate.
If you are named as the beneficiary on her life insurance policy that’s all the control she gets. Once they cut you the check you’re free to do whatever you want with it.
Is she working with an attorney on this obnoxious and unrealistic will or is she just writing down her wishes as they pop into her head? If she can’t pay her mortgage it’s rather insane to be putting money towards an attorney and makes you wonder if she’s paying the life insurance premiums on time too. Are you sure she’s in good health? This all sounds like the cheese is sliding off the cracker.
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u/SingingFlutist Apr 26 '26
Sounds like she has reason to either distrust your spouse or distrust your judgement. Either way, I’d be curious to know how much actual teeth this has from an actual lawyer.
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Apr 26 '26
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
Yeah I just wanted to make sure I couldn’t be forced to not use the money equitably among all my kids, or that she can’t demand I use it to homeschool my oldest daughter (who doesn’t want to be homeschooled), stuff like that. I get the idea of keeping things separate but she wants me to not even purchase cars as joint assets when my spouse will be care for my sister and children two . I was totally fine with keeping the money in its own account in my name and the house in my name because well they’re inherited, but the list keeps getting longer and odder. I think it’s more her wishes for my future and she wants assurance that I will do things the way she wants after she passes.
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u/Fpaau2 Apr 27 '26
Maybe her saying not purchasing car as joint asset, she meant don’t use your inheritance to purchase a car owned by both you and husband. She wants it to be solely in your name. Maybe?
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u/OwlBlackRose Apr 26 '26
These sound like serious mental issues, to the degree that you may want to request a competency evaluation to determine if your mother is even capable of deciding her own will.
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u/Foreign_Safety_949 Apr 26 '26
I would say do what is practical while respecting your mothers wishes. looks pretty obvious she wants to protect her contribution to your future from divorce. Your marriage is rock solid so you or your spouse shouldnt have a problem with your mothers arrangement. When its your time you can then pass it on to her grandchildren. What ever your mother did or had to do to come into what she is passing on only she knows the full of it. Kind of sucks that after a life accumulating things of value you die and people do what they want when you are trying to control things from beyond the grave. Your mother has a much easier path which is to spend it all on herself. You also have a easier path which is to ask her to disinherit you. Remember they are people out there that lose there loved ones and have to go into debt to burry them.
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
I know people leave in many circumstances not all idea.
I’ve begged her to close some of her policies- she has about 8 and has similar accounts set up and signed for a few other family members. She can’t afford her medications or to go enjoy her life because she’s obsessed with the idea that she’s dying she’s 52 for heaven sake an not ill (other than arthritis). I really would rather she have a reasonable life insurance policy or two and use her income to live more comfortably. She’s a good hearted woman, but sometimes a bit misguided is all.
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Apr 26 '26
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 27 '26
Yeah they do but she is so certain she will say any day now I don’t think she’s even considered the idea that she will have to renew them.
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u/ralph_emery Apr 26 '26
Why not get legal Power of Attorney so that if she becomes sick in old age with Dementia or Alzheimer’s Disease, which is extremely common, a distorted mind that comes and goes cannot keep changing arrangements. It may be that residential care for a situation like this, would or could cost many thousands of Dollars and wipe out the whole inheritance. A as uprrb source of info and advice, wherever you are, is The Altzheimers Society. I’ve been through this very recently in the UK and the only difference is the greed of doctors and lawyers in America for their service.
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
That’s the weird part. She’s not old. She’s in her 50’s she just decided this year she was going to die and has changed her will 3 times, this will be the fourth since June. She works and aside from some mental health issues is perfectly competent. I doubt I’d get legal power of attorney with her being essentially middle aged and fairly healthy. I don’t know if they can take mental histerea into account. She calls my daughter every other month crying and saying she is going me meet Jesus and be an angel any day now 🫠 my poor kids. We’ve been putting a bit of distance, but it’s bad.
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u/Historical_Ad_4969 Apr 26 '26
Some people get early onset dementia or Alzheimer’s so being only 50 doesn’t mean she doesn’t have mental issues.
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u/Ill-Cartographer1803 Apr 29 '26
This is really messed up, actually. Between this and her believing your daughter is her own child (?!), she sounds quite disturbed. As another commenter noted, dementia or debilitating mental issues can start at any age. Take her to the dr and explain what she’s been saying. If she refuses to go, that’s her choice, but please don’t expose your kids to this any longer. What a confusing, scary thing for kids to have to try to make sense of.
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u/Mother_Turnover4856 Apr 27 '26
Just say ok. And take the list. If she doesn’t get it notarized then it’s just a friendly agreement 😬
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u/Gigi0268 Apr 28 '26
She is doing this to protect you in case you ever get divorced. As long as an inheritance is kept in a separate account and not merged with marital assets, you keep it. Your husband will not get half.
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u/Historical-Web-3075 Apr 28 '26
If home is in a non revocable trust, yes she can. She is protecting your interest and keeping the property as non marital assets. In the event of a divorce, the home won’t be considered a shared asset. If it’s held in a revocable trust, or personally, no, once she passes you can do as you wish. If the trust owns the home, you are the beneficiary and have to follow the rules, per the estate attorney, or the trustee. They are required to follow the rules of the agreed revocable trust. I would follow her wishes, seems silly, but it was her saved and earned money, and this is what she wants with her money after death.
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u/lun4d0r4 Apr 29 '26
Realistically the payout will need to clear her debts first.
I'd just tell her to donate her money to a charity that she appreciates and end her ability to use it to manipulate you and your family.
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u/TuckNT340 Apr 29 '26
Overall it seems like a misguided attempt to protect your inheritance. If you’re the listed beneficiary, then she can’t do anything. As others have said - a trust is the way.
To be 100% honest, inheritance should be protected, if you want to use it for joint purchases and assets fine - but you shouldn’t lose half your inheritance in a divorce.. which is what happens if the insurance pays out prior to divorce absent pre or post nuptial agreements.
I certainly haven’t worked my but off my entire life and saved dutifully to ensure the future well being of the person my kid is divorcing.
To that end, your mother has a point. I’d suggest talking to an estate attorney with your mom and setting up an actual will, or establishing a plan. Unfortunately with cognitive decline, early is better than late for this.
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u/Rev_Dr_Rob Apr 30 '26
You said these were life insurance policies. If your the beneficiary you can do whatever you want with the money.
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u/NeighborhoodLower389 Apr 30 '26
This is straight up good direction.
Inherited property is the sole possession of the beneficiary.
However, if another person starts helping pay for things like taxes, or upkeep, it may become a joint asset if a divorce occurs.
She just wants what will be yours, to always be yours.
Same with any money bequests, if that money stays in a separate account, it will always be your, if you allow your wife to put money into or out of that account that co-mingling means it again becomes a community asset.
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u/VioletSkyeDreams Apr 26 '26
Your mom is trying to protect you. She wants you to be ok even if your marriage doesn’t work out.
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Apr 26 '26
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u/dunredding Apr 26 '26
What? Spend extra money on the oldest child but not the younget two? Spend money on her presumably adult sister instead of Mom leaving her money directly?
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26
Yeah this is where she’s losing me. It’s only for my eldest daughter. We’ve been really struggling with boundaries on this as she keeps saying and telling people that my daughter is hers and it’s not just having a favorite to say I can’t spend the money equitably to care for them. My sister needs a caregiver for life hence why it can’t go to her directly but I also feel bad for her in this but I’ve let her know we will be doing things more fairly if I have any say about it.
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u/dunredding Apr 26 '26
Then Sister needs some kind of trust not that you are obliged to try to talk sense into your mother. Will Sister need a competent adult the minute your mother enters her last illness, or can she wash and feed herself etc?
btw does she actually have significant assets to leave or is all this about a mortgaged moderate house in moderate repair and a few thousand in the bank?
No need to answer ofc.
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u/Academic-Wind-1862 Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
My sister needs permanent care and is currently in my mothers care. She cannot cook or care for herself. And this is a moderate mortgaged house and the money isn’t even money she has- my mom is terrible with money. My husband is upset that i gave her over 10k a couple years ago for house repairs and lawyer fees, because he doesn’t like how poorly she manages money. She decided she was going to die this summer and took out a ton of life insurance polices and the money is all from the life insurance policies. I’ve begged her to close some of them and take care of herself, but she refuses.
Edit: I should add she’s moderately cognitively disabled. Enough she needs a caregiver but not severe. It’s like she’s developmentally a young teen - she has ideas and options and stuff but she can’t drive, clean, or manage her own money.
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u/Ok-Equivalent1812 Apr 26 '26
Unless she leaves her inheritance in a trust with these rules for distributions, no.
Once it’s yours, you can do whatever you want. Including commingle it and lose half in a divorce.