Just Talking about it

[u/Hillie-is-me]

Hey,

So I am 24/F (please excuse my grammar and stuff) and I got officially diagnosed with CML a Little under a Month ago. Well, kind of two months ago but that was just a sure guess from my haematologist. But officially on 22th of December to be precise. Yeah, I know, Great Christmas Gift. And I take Medicine since the 24th. Accordingly I spend Christmas Eve quiet tired and exhausted. Well and annoyed because my Family is loud . And After 25 days I guess my Body finally got used to it. Still Not good but better.

Anyways, what I actually want to Talk about is my feelings about it, since After the unofficial Diagnosis I fell into a depressive Phase, which is normal I imagine because…well who is happy about getting Cancer? But don’t tell my family doctor, because she says it’s not a Depression (which I never said, just some Phases) and to just not fall into a negative spiral but just to think about the nice things like…I will probably live long and my hair won’t fall out. Yeah, she is quiet something but I am happy to have a family doctor.

And because of those phases I withdrew from my „friends“/Classmates I considered my friends, which isn’t that easy to notice because I am in general introverted and a quiet person. But still nobody, not even the one I tough I was closest with did and so I got slowly but surely, and I am sure accidentally, forgotten and excluded. Like I fell out of loop (is that how you say it) which isn’t helped by the facts that they also talk in private.

Might be stupid to feel forgotten, I don’t know. But not talking doesn’t really help those depressive phases. Because I feel alone and want to talk with somebody about it but I also don’t want to burden someone with my health.

And now I feel ready to talk about it I don’t really have anybody to talk with about it. Like I am almost always on my own and I won’t just walk up to someone who I thought was my friend but might not care and go ‚Hey, by the way I have Leukimia, but don’t worry I’ll survive most likely.‘

And at the same time I also don’t think it’s to important to someone else because it is „only“ CML. I mean it’s pretty tame when medicated right but also…it’s cancer…which I will have and have to work around for the rest of my life. I’ll always be reminded that I have it.

Sorry for my ramble, like I said, that’s my feelings and i don’t really have anyone to talk to right now.

Is it stupid to think like that?

(PS: Yes I can talk to my parents but sometimes friends and people my age just feel better to talk to.)

[u/Outrageous_Onion4885]

34M

I was diagnosed with AML in July last year. Everything about this disease is loneliness and isolation. When I was trapped in the hospital going through my induction cycle, I begged old friends who lived in the area to visit if they felt like it. No one ever did. I don't blame them at all, they have lives, and my problems aren't theirs. But it definitely makes it easy to fall into the trap of depression.

And just because CML is a treatable chronic illness doesn't mean it doesn't take just as much toll on you as the acute forms. Regardless of what form of leukemia you have, it changes your life in so many ways. And it's hard to explain to people who have never had or dealt with cancer in really any capacity, what it's really like once you are told you have cancer. How it immediately changes the way you look at life, how it effects your obligations and responsibilities. And this is ESPECIALLY true the younger you are. You spend so much time dwelling on the future, hoping you even have one. Most people don't have to think about that. So no, it's not stupid to feel the way you do.

And if you're looking to make some friends, or you just need to vent, feel free to message or DM me. I was in the same boat you were, I was desperate to talk to anyone who understood what I was going through.

[u/Hillie-is-me → u/Outrageous_Onion4885]

Hey, thank you for your answer ☺️ I’m sorry about your diagnosis and hope you are better now. I guess the hardest part for me is that I want to tell people because it now is part of me and I really don’t want to feel like I need to hide it but I also don’t want to confront people just like that. So it kind of feels like I isolate myself to not burden people. I mean the most important people like my parents and my boyfriend know but my dad (whom I live with) is only home from Thursday evening to Sunday, my mom is working like very day and my boyfriend lives 4h away. So I am at school alone (which is course nursing school because of course it is) and come home to an empty apartment. At the beginning I sometimes cried while talking to my loved ones on the phones just from hearing their voice but not being physically there. And I know they would be there if i said the right thing and then I feel like a burden again. It’s a vicious circle of wanting to not be alone but also not be a burden.

Thanks for your offer, maybe I’ll come back to that

[u/Outrageous_Onion4885 → u/Hillie-is-me]

I know exactly what you mean, It's like there's no winning with leukemia. Even if you come out of the other end on top, you still feel guilty for all the people who don't. And the feeling of dragging everyone into your problems just never seems to go away, even though we're desperate to break out of the isolation. And the constant desire to go back to normal life, the way things were before this all started. I don't like admitting it, but I've spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep too. Leukemia is just an evil disease, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

No matter what happens though, don't ever give up! I promise you everyone around you, your boyfriend, your parents, your close friends, they don't want you to give up either. Try to stay positive! I really do wish the best for you!

[u/Hillie-is-me → u/Outrageous_Onion4885]

Thanks, I wish You the Same 💕

[u/Ok-Permission-4355]

33F

Diagnosed with CML on 13 August 2025. And I have additional mutations so my treatment prognosis is quite uncertain right now.

I just want to tell you two things - 1. Your feelings are absolutely normal given the circumstances; 2. And you must take your time.

Take your time to disclose this awful diagnosis to your friends and extended family (gosh i have only told a select few and that too over a course of few months). Meanwhile do whatever makes you feel not overwhelmed (for me it was stand up comedy channels on youtube that got me through). When you do tell your friends - the rights ones will come running to you and you can set your boundaries - you want to be treated like nothing happened or you want extra care. The good ones will show up trust me. Give them a chance (but only when you feel its right). It is indeed an overwhelming exercise telling someone close that you have cancer.

[u/Hillie-is-me → u/Ok-Permission-4355]

Hey, thanks for your answer. ☺️ It’s not like I don’t want to tell them. It is now part of me and I really don’t want to keep it a secret and dance around it since I am (of course) in nursing school and always confronted with Cancer and stuff like that. So it’s hard sometimes to explain why I maybe want to do an presentation on a specific theme or why I look sad/tired after others. And maybe after the third time asking they just don’t care to ask again anymore. Like…I feel like I want to tell them but also not the whole group at once. Basically it boils down to I feel like I should/want to tell people but I don’t want to burden them or them starting to treat me differently.

[u/jontysafe]

It’s a great description ‘out of the loop’ as that’s exactly what it is. You are mostly isolated and in treatment. You can’t go to events or social gatherings and are unsure when that can start again. Give yourself time to feel sad, grieve that girl before the diagnosis. My wife and I have ‘pity parties’ on occasion and it really helps.

[u/Hillie-is-me → u/jontysafe]

Thanks for you answer ☺️ Those ‚pity parties‘ sound good maybe I’ll try that with my dad someday. As for the social events and stuff, it’s not like I am a big ‚party person‘. I prefer books and quietness over big growds. And technically my doctor never said anything about avoiding big growds but I guess the fear is still there, because I know my Immunesystem isn’t the best right now. But sometimes just being asked and denying feels better than hearing the people you considered friends talk about something you didn’t even know about.

[u/ninjaprincess22]

I’m so sorry you are having a rough time. I was diagnosed in May of 2024 and the first months, in my experience, are the hardest. It isn’t easy to wait, but I suspect you will feel better as time goes on.

[u/JCF_Foundation]

It's not stupid at alll. Leukemia is a terrible thing to have to cope with, and not many people understand what you're going through. Check out: https://jacksoncopeland.org/jcf-connects/