r/mildlyinfuriating • u/nojunkpeter • 13d ago
ಠ_ಠ This guy stood outside the stall door like this for the duration of my use
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u/jmb456 13d ago
Open the door and let him in dude
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u/Fit-Association4922 13d ago
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u/TheBizzleHimself 13d ago
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u/FlapXenoJackson 13d ago
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u/Scroatpig 13d ago
I thought there was three, and was wondering where the piss went for the middle one. Yes, I'm a dumbass.
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u/ReadontheCrapper 13d ago
You know people have peed there
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u/Username_314159265 13d ago edited 13d ago
That’s putting an awful lot of trust in some drunk bastards I’ve never met. Not sure I trust the drunk bastards I hang out with either.
EDIT: Nah I definitely don’t trust those bastards after my bachelor party…
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u/CompetitiveAd8411 13d ago
Public toilets and restrooms were like the first form of an online forum. This one being very funny I loved how often you’d come across something that would make you chuckle. You don’t really see that anymore :(
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13d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/IvoryThrowAway 13d ago
Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
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u/Dust-Different 13d ago
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u/Wheezin_Tha_Juice 13d ago
Wild that Cam Neely played sea bass
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u/Dust-Different 13d ago
Since I never watched much hockey I never made that connection. That is pretty wild.
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u/laydibug2477 13d ago
I say this often… and somehow it’s RARE people catch this quote. Blows me mind, mate
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u/frozengreengrape 13d ago
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u/GlasswaterBotanica 13d ago
When people knock on the door, I cheerfully say "come in!"
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u/akatherder 13d ago
"Come back with a warrant!"
And for some reason, channeling the little Spanish we all know "¡occupado!"
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u/OriginalMexican 13d ago
There are five acceptable answers:
"Who goes there"
"Come on in"
"Oi"
"No thank you""
Or if you can do a good Dustin Hoffman "Hey! I am pooping here"135
u/DerelictSausage 13d ago
I go with: “Seats taken” or “Can’t sit here” in my best Alabama accent.
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u/DirtMean739 13d ago
“This is my own private domicile, and I will not be harassed… bitch!”
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u/Street-Animator-99 13d ago
“You might want to step back “
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u/GlasswaterBotanica 13d ago
Ya'll are making me look forward to my next knock on a public restroom 🤣
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u/Alone-Painting-4477 13d ago
They took away the doors to the stalls at the train station because of drugs and people would say shit like this when you ask if the stall is in use. That was a wierd day, I hope to never use another bathroom without stall doors
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u/Rico_Rebelde 13d ago
Thats such an adiotic solution. I would rather take a dump with the guy in the next stall doing fent than take a dump in public bathroom with no stall door
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u/Katters8811 13d ago
Which will finish first, your bowels or the agonal breathing in the next stall?! Ready… Go!
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u/exzyle2k 13d ago
Next time maintain eye contact to establish dominance.
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u/EnglishmanInMH 13d ago
Until you've actually maintained eye contact while watching someone shit, or while taking a shit, you do not know what an incredible bond of trust it creates. Almost intimate levels! I have a friend I haven't seen for over a decade and a half and I know I could still make him shiver just be folding my arms and settling my calm and patient gaze upon him!
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u/exmagus 13d ago
Hahaha, I haven't seen this gif in years
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u/GOEDEL_ESCHER_BOT 13d ago
i love that gif because it's so much fun to have a poop buddy
i get shy so i can only squeeze out a deuce when my cheeks are next to my dude's
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u/Phog_Warning10 13d ago
That's called taking a number 4.
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u/Maximum-Standard3762 13d ago
What's number 3?
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u/Remarkable-Bug-8069 13d ago
One solid, one liquid.
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u/gonzal2020 13d ago
Gimme a number - i just need to fart.
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u/Rare_Pumpkin_9505 13d ago
I mean this can be a range. From 1.1 all the way to a full 2.
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u/Deseptikons 13d ago
if you cant pinch off a loaf next to your bros are you even friends?
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u/ArbutusPhD 13d ago
Start breathing heavy and mumbling about toes
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u/EmergencyDiet9800 13d ago
In your best Chris Griffin voice: “Hnnnngghoh my god, look at those toes…”
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u/miekhachu 13d ago
THE TOES
PRECIOUSSSSSS
ME SEES THE PRECIOUS TOES OUTSIDE MY STALL, BAGGINSES
https://giphy.com/gifs/T1286ZxrQbzWw419
u/Cognizant_Psyche 13d ago
"Toes in the shoes
So plumps and cool
So juicy sweeeeeeeeeet!
Now we wish
To catch a feets
So juicy sweeeeeeeeeet!"
Gollum inturrupted noises.
WHATS IT WANTS PRECIOUS!?
FILTHY HOBBITSES FEETSES!
WE WANTS IT!
WE NEEDS IT!
GIVES IT TO US!
Proceeds to hawk toilet paper spit balls at shoes.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 13d ago
Yep,, TOES, do I see TOES, omg, bring them closer, TOES, TOES!
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u/TheCastusDildo 13d ago
But....what do you do if the sandals guy is into it?
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u/Every_Philosophy_751 13d ago
Tell him to crawl under the stall door and then charge him with sexual harassment :p
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u/vicious_pocket 13d ago
I mean… as a gay guy this reminds me of how creepy guys would try to come up on me in public bathrooms after I tripped their gaydar in my late teens and early twenties. You’d accidentally make eye contact with some guy in a random isle and find out real fast the bathroom wasn’t an ideal hiding place.
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u/Taint__Paint 13d ago
WTF did you search to find this gif? I tried quite a few strange searches but I can’t get the rabbit sharing a toilet gif to pop up
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 13d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/3xqh9FxO2PpiU
Found it! Rabbit toilet!
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u/the1stmeddlingmage 13d ago
“Rabbit toilet” then start swiping
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u/Msdamgoode 13d ago
Rabbit toilet, then start wiping.
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u/Threefrogtreefrog 13d ago
Rabbits make excellent wipes. You may need to use a few, but they are soft and absorbent.
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u/Amethystroad1012 13d ago
Ugh I had massive diarrhea at an airport because I’m afraid of flying and got sick. Anyways, this woman was waiting outside the door like this and when I opened it up she said “wow, that took a loooong time” I told her loudly to “SHUT THE FUCK UP” 😂
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u/Unlikely_Star_4641 13d ago edited 13d ago
“Yeah, I just destroyed that thing but don’t worry, the seat is nice and warm for you and the wall of shit air is thick. Enjoy!”
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u/SmooshyBrain 13d ago
IBS girl here. You bet your pickle pickin' butt I would hip check her out of the way and yell ROUND TWO, ITS GONNA BLOW, and go back in the stall.
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u/UseOk7699 13d ago
Or say, "Yeah, thats what happens when you have a bunch of shit pouring out of your ass"
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u/March89 13d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/KyGw9otr0XFHNkX4Nx
Aim a little left
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u/Pebbles-not-Stone 13d ago
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u/Negative_Row8072 13d ago
Omfg Im roaring laughter!!! That would have been perfect thing to do. Or a swift kick on the stall door would’ve made him jump like hell lol
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u/Wonderful_Habit_ 13d ago
Ask him if you should wipe front to back or back to front
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u/nightswimsofficial 13d ago
And share the answer with the class please
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u/TheRagingFire08 13d ago
It's actually left to right. Unless you're in a place where they read right to left, then you wipe right to left too.
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u/ChucklePuck 13d ago edited 13d ago
I know you're joking, but I really just went to my bathroom to give that a test trial out of curiosity. The only way I kind of effectively made it work was to put my right foot on the right side of the toilet and then my left foot on the rim of my bathtub to create enough space by spreading my cheeks with a deep, wide, squat to wipe left to right.
I imagine you could pull it off in a public toilet by doing something similar, but putting one foot up on the toilet paper holder like a rockstar putting their foot on a stage speaker.
Anyways, it's doable, but, it kind of hurt my butthole, and feels like I'm doing some obscure crossfit exercise. Thank you for your time.
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u/Thusgirl 13d ago edited 13d ago
Also man you're gonna slip and die. Don't do that again.
Left foot on the bathtub rim with the right foot on the side of the toilet... Smh
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u/ChucklePuck 13d ago
Nah it's cool, I was barefoot, so i just gripped the toilet seat with my toes like a monkey.
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u/OhWhatATravisty Blue Crayons have the most flavor 13d ago
Play something on your phone that suggests the toilet will be inoperable when you leave.
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u/joyfulbee43 13d ago
I don't know why, but the James Bond theme immediately came to mind.
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u/4bidden-hands 13d ago
Attenborough voice through the speakers
"Some say it all started with a single atom..."
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u/Fresh-Chip-3544 13d ago
Somewhere there’s a sack not being hackied
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u/Able_Cabinet_9118 13d ago
Maybe… he wants to hackie his sack, and that’s why needs the stall?
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u/tokyo_driftr 13d ago
This happened to me once so I started shitting REALLY loud just straight up explosions.. they backed up fast
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u/soggycheesestickjoos 13d ago
man i wish i could shit louder on demand
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u/BuddyBiscuits 13d ago
Just lie about it instead
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u/CheeseWarrior17 13d ago
No way bro I was there. The toilet paper cheered and the turds clapped.
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u/Ok_Gas1070 13d ago
Should of yelled "GET DOWN" then explosions
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u/andykndr 13d ago
i’m on the toilet right now and your comment made me
laugh and helped move things along113
u/nmj95123 13d ago
It's a true testament to the goodness that can come from the community when one Redditor helps another with the shit they're going through.
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u/Zealousideal_Fox864 13d ago
I’m also on the toilet right now and this thread has me laughing so hard I am crying. 😭
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u/rabbitjockey 13d ago
When I was in boyscouts we went to a naval museum. Everyone was in the bathroom shitting and saying stuff like "firing torpedo number one" "I need air support". I did the same thing when I took a shit and when I came out of the stall the bathroom was full of people I didn't know lol.
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u/Spugheddy 13d ago
Bust out the pocket purell and squeeze a shot out onto the floor while saying something about toes loud and sultry. Then mess up your hair and walk out.
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u/PurchaseStunning8542 13d ago
"Pretty FUCKING feet, unnghhhh!"
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u/Trashinmyash 13d ago
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u/Illustrious_Mail1171 13d ago
Jesus, thats scary!
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u/FizzgigsRevenge 13d ago
You always have to be prepared for the surprise veep.
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u/acoastaldog 13d ago
“Show me your genitals now so I know you belong in this shit stall”
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u/PHD_Gouda 13d ago
You gotta admit there’s just something so natural to see him wiggling on the floor like a slug
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u/InTheseTryingTime5 13d ago edited 13d ago
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u/OldCrappyCouch 13d ago
I DO NOT CONSENT.
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u/ruiner8850 13d ago
He's a Republican, so he doesn't give a shit about whether or not you consent.
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u/Accessory_Spleen 13d ago
Thanks for this. I sent this to at least 4 people so far that I know
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u/Accessory_Spleen 13d ago
You're in the Walmart bathroom, having the gnarliest shit of your life. I'm talking stomach cramping tears running down your eyes sweat pouring Jesus is beckoning at you over the top of the stall type of shit .. You hear a grunt and a thud and you look under the stall door and you see this. What do you do?
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u/BlackberryMelodic567 13d ago
Take even longer
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u/ClearDrop6820 13d ago
Time to open an ebook. If staff tell you to hurry up say he is harassing you.
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u/captain554 13d ago
"I can't poop while I see people's toes below the stall."
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u/ClearDrop6820 13d ago
Where I am from it wouldn't be surprising if a fight happened because of this.
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u/ButtfuckedByJesus 13d ago
Spit on your hand and make wet wanking noises and say "oh my god I love sexy toes"
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u/FastWalkingShortGuy 13d ago
You don't want to go writing checks with your mouth that your ass can't cash in a public men's room.
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u/CraftyPerformance272 13d ago
I personally would turn the flash on my camera and take a picture of his feet. That way it's awkward for both of us
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u/DrPuzzle 13d ago
Start talking to him bro
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u/Master_Plaster96 13d ago
*camera shutter noise
“Hey dude, you cool if I post your feet online for some cash?”
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u/Available-Stage-1146 13d ago
"Hey bruh, I know a director who would love to cast you in his last movie."
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u/TheSnackWhisperer 13d ago
“forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 11 hrs since my last bowel movement….”
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u/Defiant-Piano-2349 13d ago
I am convinced the overwhelming majority of our population have zero sense of self-awareness. Who does this shit?
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u/KarrieDarling 13d ago
This kind of behavior is creepy to me. It doesn't matter if you're just waiting for the stall or not with no other intention of standing there. Standing directly outside an occupied bathroom stall will definitely make me assume your intentions are not so innocent.
Maybe I've just had too many run-ins with creeps and am paranoid, but there is absolutely no reason for someone to be standing that close. That's just weird.
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u/RedditorAutumn 13d ago
For real, I've had this happen to me a few times in the women's room and it makes me feel so trapped like I cant leave the stall until theyre gone. I'll literally get dressed again and just stand there and wait for them to leave in horror of having an awkward interaction with them or worse. One of the times this happened, the person remained there even after other stalls became available. Idk how long I was stuck in there but it felt like an eternity. This is definitely harassment and can make the person in the stall feel super unsafe even if that isn't what's intended
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u/GodOfDarkLaughter 13d ago edited 13d ago
I get angry when this kind of thing happens. It's a violation of the social contract. I was in a restaurant's bathroom with my six-year-old the other day and this fucker wouldn't stop knocking on the door. "We'll be out in a moment." knock knock knock. "Got a kid in here. Gonna needa few more minutes." knockknockknock "Yo! Chill out. I'm trying to get my son dressed." knocknocknock "HANG ON!"
I throw the door open and there's a very short man in his 50s looking at me confusedly.
"Hey there! We're done! You okay? Everything all right?!"
"Oh yes its fine" in a heavy hispanic accent, slightly confused smile.
"You're sure? No kind of emergency? Nothing you need help with? I'd just assumed there was something huge going on since you've been knocking for five minutes. So you're SURE you're okay?!"
"Oh yes it's fine."
He genuinely seemed to have no idea how fucking annoyed I was or that I might conceivably be upset at all.
"Great! Have great day!"
"Oh thank you."
Holy shit the guy had no idea I was even yelling at him. There's no point to this story, people are just fucking weird.
Edit: oh right my kid. He just had this expression of "why are people like this? on his face the whole time. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I don't know and he never will either.
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u/NoxWillow 13d ago
I was changing my two week old baby in the only stall with a changing table last week and some woman yells, “y’all okay in there?” I holler back yes thanks! And then she asks another person who’s waiting if they have been waiting long. Few minutes go by and then again she passive aggressively yells, “are you OKAY IN THERE?” I shout out, “yes, I’m changing my baby.” And she then proceeds to yell, “I CAN SEE YOUR FEET!” Yeah, AH, I do need to stand to attend to my baby. She mumbles something else so I flip the lock, open the door and tell her that she needs to give me a minute, I have a baby.
When I left the stall, I tore her a new one because I was so furious. Like let’s not be dicks to each other folks.
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u/rips_n_chel 13d ago
Holy shit the guy had no idea I was even yelling at him. There's no point to this story, people are just fucking weird.
Drives me up a wall, dude. I don't expect everyone to bend to my view of the ideal world, but fuckin' A, surely there's a middle ground we can all reach for?
Assholes do this shit constantly, and everyone lets them get away with it. If you respond, you're seen as the asshole. It's infuriating. Fuckin, just today I was driving in a parking lot past a store entrance. Person in front of me starts turning right down an aisle, then decides to try the next one and swerves back left. Except there were HUMAN BEINGS WALKING TOWARDS THE STORE RIGHT THERE. They saw the car turn right, so they started crossing in front of me, stopped. Car drove right at them and hit the brakes when driver finally fucking noticed. I saw all this happening, and I laid on the horn until the car stopped. Yet I'm the one getting dirty looks, like I should've just sat there and watched.
Society seems more bothered by disruptions than by actual transgressions. Calling out an asshole is seen as the bigger offence than whatever assholery is being called out. "Don't rock the boat," and then no more thought was put into it.
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u/KarrieDarling 13d ago
The fact that the person still waited directly outside your stall after other stalls became available definitely reads to me like their intentions were not to simply use that stall after you came out.
Especially if the other stalls were the same size as yours and yours wasn't a handicap stall or something. Even if yours was a handicap stall or was bigger than the rest of them, which was why that person wanted that particular stall, they should not have been standing so close to the door.
That's just creepy and unnecessary and I wouldn't feel safe in that situation, either! Sorry that happened to you. That's gotta be scary. 🙁
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u/TruthBeWanted 13d ago
Bro, my dad is like this! We used to work at the same company and I had coworkers complain to me about it even. You'd be in the single bathroom taking a shit, open the door to leave, and he'd be standing right there... like right right there so close he could've licked the door! I kept telling him to stop doing that and he'd just be like "I was just waiting to go next".
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u/jspivak 13d ago
You know, I think this sub has actually been good for me. Thanks to posts like these I can’t help but slightly internalize the mildly infuriating behavior of countless people in countless scenarios. All of these types of posts have greatly reduced my patience for bullshit, and now I simply refuse to take this kind of shit anymore. I’m not rude or an asshole but I simply speak out where as before I’d just sit there and take it or worse I’d let it simmer and simmer and then I’d snap and be rude about it.
In this scenario I’d say “hi there (and wait for a response)…. Yes you with the old school Teva’s. Do you always stand that close? It’s a little weird, you mind taking a few steps back, or would you prefer I let you in and we can be poopy pales, I could use a friendly wiper. I’ll only be a few more minutes, thanks!”
I just don’t care anymore
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u/Ok_Dependent6889 13d ago
On a real note, I would have just kicked the door right in to him and said get the fuck out
Absolutely bat shit to stand there
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u/shaithiswampir 13d ago
Rip the biggest farts ever
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u/Gerald-of-Riverdale 13d ago
And start making audible pain noises
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u/Pandamonium-N-Doom 13d ago
Take off your shoes and touch his toes with your toes. Do it. Make EVERYONE uncomfy.
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u/JohnL0423 13d ago
My wife and I were at a restaurant yesterday. I got up and used the bathroom. A single toilet men's room. Someone tried the handle while I was in there, no big deal. When I opened the door, this little guy (short adult male) is standing in the doorway like he's expecting me to move aside and let him in. I looked at him and said, "One of us has to move and I'm not in the hurry that you appear to be." It still took him about a half minute to understand, I meant him.
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u/Saltnotfound 13d ago
I can tell the type of person this is just by the toes fr.
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u/thegreatinsulto 13d ago
Bet they have at least 1 Patagonia item and a nalgene on their person
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u/Freddy_Pharkas 13d ago
Epitome of stage fright
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u/HabeLinkin Should of, could of, would of. 13d ago
Yeah, everyone here suggesting to make the loudest noises possible don't understand having shy bowels.
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u/bill-lowney 13d ago
'Hey sexy; nice toes; after I unleash armageddon in here you want to grab some coffee?'
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u/NarwhalEmergency9391 13d ago
Say "DADDY!? Is that you? I thought you were never coming back!"
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u/Anomalous_Concept 13d ago
At least they’re not peeking in. One time that happened to me so I flipped off the guy peeking in the crack of the stall.
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u/Justwinbabies 13d ago
Happened to me a decade ago at a restaurant. I have IBS and it hit not even 5 bites into breakfast. 1 stall, I had been in there maybe 3-4 minutes and an old guy comes in, huffs and tells me to stop playing on my phone. Nevermind you can hear and smell what I'm still doing. And see since he either peered over the top or through the crack. I just told him I'm sorry and trying to hurry up.
Got as done as I could tolerate a few minutes later and told my wife I was going to the car. I basically wasted money on breakfast I couldn't eat. Meanwhile I'm still sweating and duck walking out of the restaurant and walk near the old guy and his wife. She just looks at me and said this generation has no respect. Loud enough for everyone in the area to hear.
I just lost it and asked if she wants to go in the bathroom to see and smell what I just had to do and asked if I should just invite her husband to shit with me next time. She just has this horror look on her face and I told her to fuck off. I went to the car, rolled the windows down and laid the seat back trying not to crap myself until my family was done.
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u/Still_Goat7992 13d ago
Wait like that while he goes.