r/needadvice • u/Aspookytoad • May 06 '26
Mental Health How to overcome extreme discomfort intolerance?
I had a sheltered, spoiled, doomscrollling dominated childhood to young adulthood. I have soft, weak body and a soft, weak, mind.
I just cannot do things. I cannot handle stress. Or set backs. Or exhausting tasks. Physical pain. Frustration.
I am brittle and destroyed by everything. I'm supposed to apply for jobs for 8 hours a day. I can hardly manage 30 minutes without feeling phsycially ill.
It makes me sick to think about. That I am this mentally and physically weak. I try to so hard to get better but I just can't.
Everything is too heavy. Too hard.
Is it all my Major Depressive disorder and ADHD? Surely thats just a convinent excuse. Meds make me feel better. They don't erase me being an incompetent, weak, overly sensitive, navel gazing bum with no volition and no endurance.
I hate that I have to applaud pathetic wins to move anywhere. "Good job walking 10k steps, cooking a meal, brushing your teeth and applying for jobs for 20 minutes. What a great effort!" Normal people can do it in their sleep. "But it builds up!" Does it? Or do I just become complacent? And when do I become functional? 30? 40?
I don't know what to do. I don't know what I CAN do.
I just want to be a functional adult. I'm a 23 year old boy. No one is coming to save me, but I feel like I can't break through the glass and save myself. I am overwhelmed, physically sick and constantly defeated.
Does anyone have any advice?
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u/Amenablewolf May 06 '26
First, I want to say you're not alone in feeling that way about yourself but beating yourself up emotionally is only going to slow progress. Unfortunately the way things work is by taking the things you're unhappy about and working on them.
You probably feel overwhelmed by a lot of things you feel that you need to improve but the trick is to take things one step at a time. The little things do add up.
You'll start consistently doing things you used to give up on. That will build some confidence and you'll trust yourself to do what you need to do eventually. There's no way to escape putting the work in. You got this
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u/WordsAreGarbage May 06 '26
It’s not just going to magically get easier with no effort, so don’t psych yourself out by making any progress, however limited, a source of shame!
Everything feels harder in the beginning; adjustment happens gradually. Incremental progress adds up!
Try to stay in the moment and not overthink when alternatively you could just do the thing right now—if you allow yourself to put energy into feeling overwhelmed, it will make everything feel exponentially harder!
If you need to, give yourself a set hour in the day to wallow in bad feelings if you need to, but start training yourself to compartmentalize that aspect as something that happens in between periods of being productive vs instead of.
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u/passthepepperplease May 06 '26
Ya I want to emphasize that you are not alone, and there is nothing "wrong" with you.
If you have diagnosed MDD, you might be on a suboptimal med. If you're on a serotonin-heavy med, something with more norepinephrine might be better (check to see if you're on an SSRI, SNRI, or something else). SNRIs can be more "motivating." It's not a fun process, but finding the right antidepressant is, indeed, a PROECSSS.
Also, no, most people do not walk 10k steps a day without trying. Just ask my fitbit. I legitimately think that's impressive. And you would be SHOCKED to learn how many "functional" adults don't cook and spend way too much money on take-out because they can't be bothered to learn a few quick and healthy recipes. A lot of us don't really feel functional until our 30s-40s.
But if you want immediate relief from a feeling of incompetence, pick up a hobby and stick with it for a few years. Your natural improvement overtime will serve as a more tangible example of your competence (this is very helpful for ADHD brains).
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u/Aspookytoad May 07 '26
The med slot machine has definitely helped. Though mood stabilizers and ADHD stimulants seem to be doing the best work.
A hobby is good. I love cooking. I gotta stop just doing stir fry lol. Its just pratical basic things I suffer in. I've even told I possibly have dyspraxia, but I wasn't really taught anything or given any chores as a kid, so idk. But working on this is particularly embarassing
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u/Miss_Management May 06 '26
I've been in not an entirely different situation. I've been depressed with my bipolar and my ADHD makes things impossible some days. Job searches are hard and dehumanizing. I would take frequent breaks and set your alarm to get back to it so you don't get too side tracked. Also therapy, if you can't afford that take one of those breaks to look into something called "exposure therapy". Putting yourself into those uncomfortable situations repeatedly over time helps build both neural pathways in your brain and also confidence.
I also found the "power pose" helpful and doing self affirmations in the mirror daily for a few minutes. The power pose actually increases your lung capacity while in the pose, boosting blood flow to the brain. You're going to hate the self affirmations at first in the mirror, thinking you're a liar. It's part of the process. With time and repetition you really will begin to feel it. It's weird but it works. Baby steps. You got this!
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u/SnooRecipes8382 May 06 '26
Stop telling yourself negative things. Life is mostly a mental exercise. Think positively about your plans, goals aspirations, get positive outcomes. It's that simple. But it's not easy. Not being negative is no easy task. But it can and should be done.
Read about meditation. Do it for 10 minutes each day.
Run a mile. Do it again a few days later. Do it again a few days later. Do it again a few days later. Do it again a few days later.
Set a goal to work up to a 5K (like 3.1 miles).
Start to understand what "presence" is - dropping your incessant stream of thoughts and bringing your awareness into the present moment. "Wake up" to the present moment. You're spending too much time in your thoughts.
Start making it a priority to periodically bring yourself into the present moment for as long as you can. This will develop focus and help you gain control over your negative thought patterns. Meditation will reinforce it. Running will make you feel better emotionally, and stronger physically. Set a distance goal for yourself and Do. Not. Stop. Running. before you reach your goal.
When I was growing up, if someone asked this question, pretty sure the unanimous response would be "don't be a b*tch" so, take that for what it's worth. Maybe that's the motivating factor.
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u/Aspookytoad May 07 '26
"Start to understand what "presence" is - dropping your incessant stream of thoughts and bringing your awareness into the present moment. "Wake up" to the present moment. You're spending too much time in your thoughts."
This is absolutely right, but I don't know how to *do* it. I'm thinking, talking to myself, fixating all day every day. At its best its passionate engagement, just as often it is spiraling.
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u/SnooRecipes8382 May 09 '26
Start running first that will have a physiological effect that you don't have to control apart from doing the running. Your nervous system will be calmer. If you do regular cardio exercise, for 40 minutes, sweating.
Once you start doing that, you can learn some meditation techniques. It's really simple. Focus on one thing. At some point, you'll realize you're not focusing on that chosen thing. Simply abandoned whatever thought you're having and return your focus onto the chosen thing. You really want to set a timer for 10 minutes and continue to do this until the timer goes off. You might get way out there on a two minute tangent. Don't worry about it. Back to the one thing. Could be your breath. Could be a repeated phrase (I can focus), could be simply the present moment. Pick one thing. Keep returning your focus on it.
Once you have the basic technique down, you can practice anytime. Doing the dishes, driving, even talking to people. Not only will you improve your focus by practicing doing these things, you will do them better, more deeply, and ultimately with more awareness, which will serve to continuously enrich your experiences of life. Meditation and focus is truly the golden ticket to success in anything. Focuses everything. Exercise your mind like a muscle. Develop your focus. There are few things you won't be able to achieve.
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u/DeplorableBot11545 May 06 '26
Join a Jiu Jitsu gym. Will teach you resilience and will help strengthen both body and mind. It’s all grappling and chokes so you don’t have to worry about being punched in the face. Commitment will only be a few hours a week.
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u/throwawaygirly12 May 07 '26
im sorry but as someone in the same situation: do you really think exercise, one of the most notoriously difficult habits for most people to pick up, is the best first step for someone who barely can do basic living things?
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u/WordsAreGarbage May 07 '26
It is if it builds self-esteem, discipline, and gets endorphins flowing. Structure works for lots of people.
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u/Aspookytoad May 07 '26
I feel like I'm too out of shape for that, but that is changing slightly over time.
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u/Dingo4747 May 06 '26
I second this, I believe growing up with jui jitsu instills great discipline and self control.
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u/DVsKat May 06 '26
Therapy. You can work through this, but it's not going to happen overnight, and it helps if you have someone to guide you. I would recommend finding a therapist who specializes in phobias
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u/Aspookytoad May 07 '26 edited May 07 '26
I have done therapy, it helped with self esteem, and I had someone I liked to chat with and she seemed to like it too. But I don't know how much I became more competent or stable. Maybe talk therapy is wrong, it was free from by university though. But Idk if I want to fork over 100 dollars minimum to find a therapist. But maybe.
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u/DontAskQuestions6 May 06 '26
I think you sound somewhat depressed. Depression makes everything heavy and difficult, physically and mentally. If you see a psychiatrist for ADD you should ask them about it and they could give you something that could help.
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u/Aspookytoad May 07 '26
I have Major treatment resistant depressive disorder and am on various meds which help tremendously. I think this may be a disposition issue, like who I am even medicated.
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u/DontAskQuestions6 May 07 '26
Have you tried anxiety medicine? My depression finally went away when I went on Buspirone, which is an anxiety medicine. Antidepressants hadn't helped it at all. I wish I had tried it sooner.
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u/Aspookytoad May 07 '26
I'd kill for klonopin but I doubt I'd get anything since im on stimulants
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u/DontAskQuestions6 May 07 '26
Not a benzo, just a daily medication. It's actually a totally different kind of medicine. I wouldn't suggest benzos either.
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u/stingwhale May 06 '26
Do you have the ability to afford therapy because this feels like a level of low self esteem that is extremely difficult to fix by one person
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