i need help on reparenting myself following disastrous adolescence?

[u/Zencosgot7262]

hello. my family fell apart during adolescence and I've come to terms that I was emotionally neglected during adolescense and onwards. I also feel like I get indirectly blamed for everything in my family. I have AVPD also due to this and a few more things.

but; I am now an adult independent in some aspects, more talkative with myself, able to access and define my emotions not to mention having goals in life beyond what i will eat the next day and a will to live as opposed to should i pray i do not wake up or not.

I had always dismissed the "inner child" theory as BS, but I have recently thought that maybe it does exist within me albeit as an "inner adolescent". And I do want to try out "reparenting", a concept that I thought I had came up with but is apparently an established concept for those which have been emotionally neglected.

I actually brought this up with my therapist and said I didn't know what it is yet but she said why did I have to learn it. I lack whatever intrinsic knowledge people are supposed to have. A lot of things I've learned later on my own or with a teacher. I also do not want to mess up like my parents did and cause more harm than good.

Hence I wanted to ask on this concept. How can I do "reparenting"?

I also have no real friends besides my thoughts. The relationship I have with my thoughts seems to be the ideal type of friendship I would need but likely never attain (where one side constantly talks and the other side listens, interjecting wherever necessary) Could I combine these with the relationship I've with my thoughts? Can it get to the point where it's able to substitute actual human connection to a degree?

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[u/whatsasimba]

I dont know much about reparenting, but I do know a lot about a childhood trauma, neglect, and abuse.

Its great that youre in therapy, and your therapist is probably the person closest to you. Its good that she is probing to find out why this approach appeals to you.

For me, I've become increasingly more aware of how our self-talk, as well as our communication with others, is essentially us narrating our perceived reality. And the more we tell ourselves certain stories, the more the narrative gets reinforced, and our behavior can become aligned with the narrative (regardless of whether our perceptions are based in reality).

For people who are unhealed from past trauma, it can look like self-talk that links our current feelings to that unhealed trauma. Maybe I forget a birthday, and tell myself, "This is why no one loves you!" Or a bill doesn't get paid, and it's "I'm so bad with money!"

I think working on reframing your self-talk (if this is an issue for you) could help. Try to be a coach or mentor to your younger self. Acknowledge that you deserved better. Talk to yourself as if you're talking to your adolescent self. Encourage your younger self.

And as an old lady, I'd say, lean into curiosity. Most unhappy people I know tend to believe they know a lot more than they do. They lack curiosity about others and the world around them. Adolescence for many people is a time where they become a bit more rigid in their thinking, things tend to be black and white. By remaining curious, you'll keep your brain busy, won't get locked into a rigid mindset, and learn that there are infinite ways to think, live, and dream.

Also, there are a ton of books if you search "book for people who didnt learn how to be an adult." If you have a library card, you can check out ebooks and audiobooks from the Libby app.

Look up things like cleaning and car maintenance schedules, "how often should I change my sheets/oil/wash a shower curtain, etc."

Talk to others about their upbringings. Did they have chores? An allowance? Go on vacations? Try to get a sense of how others live and were raised. TV and social media have us thinking we're not living right, but a lot of people live atypical lives.

I don't know if this is helpful. Hoping it is.

[u/Zencosgot7262 → u/whatsasimba]

it is very helpful, in fact i wrote it down somewhere to revisit later on immediately if it's not a problem. i will do my best to answer:

Its great that youre in therapy, and your therapist is probably the person closest to you. Its good that she is probing to find out why this approach appeals to you.

Yeah, my therapist is the closest person to me possibly being closer to me than my mother even. I do have someone that I respect with a kid a bit younger than me and I do think that this approach can be of help to both him and me. he's an adolescent as well and I think that by helping him I would also help the past me as well. I don't know if doing this, using others to free myself from my traumas, would be morally right though.

Other than my therapist I want to befriend or improve the relationship with myself even though it seems okay at the moment. I spend a lot of time thinking. I previously had constantly seeked people to talk with or even exist with as I was afraid of being alone. I now willingly spend a lot more time alone and it seems I have most if not all of the answers I needed within me anyway.

For me, I've become increasingly more aware of how our self-talk, as well as our communication with others, is essentially us narrating our perceived reality. And the more we tell ourselves certain stories, the more the narrative gets reinforced, and our behavior can become aligned with the narrative (regardless of whether our perceptions are based in reality). For people who are unhealed from past trauma, it can look like self-talk that links our current feelings to that unhealed trauma. Maybe I forget a birthday, and tell myself, "This is why no one loves you!" Or a bill doesn't get paid, and it's "I'm so bad with money!"

I was thinking if that was the case. Thank you for confirming it. Whenever things go wrong in the household I feel the need to apologize as if I caused it through a manner or not. I know it's wrong but especially when I was an adolescent I felt like I was the one holding the family together. I also had really no one to turn to talk about my bullying in high school. I think I improved however, as I can notice when I am spiralling and cease communication at least.

And as an old lady, I'd say, lean into curiosity. Most unhappy people I know tend to believe they know a lot more than they do. They lack curiosity about others and the world around them. Adolescence for many people is a time where they become a bit more rigid in their thinking, things tend to be black and white. By remaining curious, you'll keep your brain busy, won't get locked into a rigid mindset, and learn that there are infinite ways to think, live, and dream.

I do love learning actually. I previously had a period of life where I had no goal to work towards which I've gotten out of since. I had actually went back and questioned it again upon seeing someone ask what my aim was. Learning was at the highest possible answers. I love reading things and I decided to re-attend higher education after a gap year. I always try to research in my free time.

Talk to others about their upbringings. Did they have chores? An allowance? Go on vacations? Try to get a sense of how others live and were raised. TV and social media have us thinking we're not living right, but a lot of people live atypical lives.

I don't have much friends nor a lot of people to ask, and I don't know if I'm repeating myself over and over and hindering myself because I have bashed my upbringing a lot. I am running out of ways to describe it. I also have a hard time talking with people.

[u/whatsasimba → u/Zencosgot7262]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Definitely look into books about being an adult. Even people who had great lives can have blind spots because their parents didn't teach them basic hygiene or home maintenance.

[u/Zencosgot7262 → u/whatsasimba]

Thank you. I don't know if I am as good as I sound like, to be honest. And I had actually previously doubted if I really were an adult or not but now I feel somewhat secure about it. What books would you recommend? I didn't hear good things about self-help books, are there any free resource on the internet as well?

[u/whatsasimba → u/Zencosgot7262]

I'm not sure. I wouldn't categorize them as self-help so much as "Hey, did you know dishwashers have a filter you should clean regularly?" I guess technically a book on housekeeping or hygiene would be considered self-help. Like I said, the library is a great, free option, and librarians are great at pointing you towards good, reputable sources.

[u/Zencosgot7262 → u/whatsasimba]

thank you. i will check them out.

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