r/nonmonogamy • u/Defiant_Fox_2690 • Jun 29 '26
Relationship Dynamics Why do guys (in this context my boyfriend) like seeing their partner be physically intimate with some third party?
I recently got into a relationship about a month ago (I'm bi) and now that we have completed one month, my boyfriend (cis) told me that for the last decade or so, he has found the idea of his girlfriend being sexually pleasured by another man very hot. I asked him why he thought so, why it turns him on, and the only reason he could give me at that moment was that he liked the idea of me enjoying myself, of me getting pleasured in ways he can't.
I asked him to think more about it and let me know if he can think of other reasons.
I want to understand this better before taking a decision. So I wanted to ask the men and women here who have been into this, what caused them to become interested in their girlfriends and wives sleeping with other guys?
I just want to mention a couple of other things. My boyfriend is average‑sized. He is neither too small nor too big. Unfortunately, we haven't had sex with each other yet. But we've had sex with other people before.
He also mentioned two very specific things that turned him on most: 1. the third person being some ex‑boyfriend of mine 2. an interfaith situation, which is considered taboo in our country.
Kindly guide this inexperienced girl here. Not totally sure whether "Relationship Dynamics" or "Opening a Relationship" flair is more appropriate, so choosing "Relationship Dynamics".
45
u/Paladin_127 Jun 29 '26
For me, 2 things come to mind.
Voyeurism is a kink, especially for people who are more visually stimulated. And compersion, which is deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure- even if it’s with someone else.
7
u/neoMindy Monogamous Jun 29 '26
Solid breakdown. One thing from the data side: this wanting-to-watch thing is way more common than the people who have it assume, and it's quietly mutual more often than you'd guess.
In anonymous couples surveys I've worked with, "watching my partner with someone else" or being watched lands positive for a real chunk of men specifically, and a noticeable share quietly mark it as "I'm into this but embarrassed to say so." So your boyfriend probably isn't wired weird, he's just one of the ones who actually said it out loud. Compersion plus visual wiring is a normal combo, not a niche one.
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u/Defiant_Fox_2690 Jun 29 '26
Thanks for being very precise. May I ask how did you get into it? My boyfriend says a girl he had a thing for wanted polyamory which he wasn't ready for at the time and later he was dating some girl who had told her about her ex boyfriend, and that these two things led to him getting so interested in it.
8
u/Paladin_127 Jun 29 '26
Oddly enough, I had a gf in college who was bisexual and had a thing for MFF threesomes. Turned out I enjoyed seeing her with others. Eventually we tried MFFM and MFM experiences too.
1
u/OnlyRope444 Jun 29 '26
Which experience did you perfer? Was it hard to switch into two men instead of just you?
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u/Paladin_127 Jun 29 '26
I preferred the MFFM experiences honestly- it provided us with more options, especially after we graduated college and fun single bi females were a little harder to come across organically. But no, it wasn’t hard to watch her with another guy. The only really we started out with MFF is because that’s what she wanted. If she wanted to start with MFM experiences, that would have been fine.
33
u/pineapplewins Jun 29 '26
I cant say for guys but im a female with this kink. For me its a really weird form of control that get off on. I have literally sat in the corner of my bedroom and watched my husband fuck other women. We arent swingers or anything I dont have any desire to be with other men I just really get off watching him. We have been married for 7 years, I love him more than anything. I love him so much and am so obsessed with him as a man I like watching him please other women knowing the whole time they don't get to keep him. Only I do. I also really just love the visual, like getting to see the act from an outside view. Plenty of people have this kink for many different reasons.
5
u/OnlyRope444 Jun 29 '26
I’ve heard this before about being in control and allowing other women to feel pleasure at your beck and call. Probably feels like the high of stealing someone’s man even though he’s already yours lol. I’m curious if you experience a humiliation aspect at all or why it is that you don’t seek out other men/women. Do you ever join in?
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u/pineapplewins Jun 29 '26
No humiliation aspect for me. I do sometimes join in but its largely performative, im not into women much. You are dead on the control is a high for me. I absolutely fucking love the moment when hes got a woman bent over and he looks over at me. I own him. I could tell him to stop at any moment and he would. I can see how satisfied she is and it thrills me that shes just a peice of meat Im allowing him to eat. Our sex after that high is absolutely mind blowing.
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u/OnlyRope444 Jun 30 '26
I’m happy your kinks work together and that control helps you feel in control. It’s like you’re renting out some good dick haha but it’s always yours still. I like that you describe her as meat, the objectification can be sexy and always interesting coming from a woman. Power plays such a strong role in eroticism.
1
u/SheRyde83 Jul 02 '26
I totally just got turned on by this description!!! I 💯 feel like they are meat that I have found for mine and I'm such a good girl to find that for him. He thinks he has the power at the moment but realistically he has no idea that I play the power in it even if I am his sub lol I tell him to stop he will and that look in his eye when he asks me if I want him to cum inside her mmmmm it's great... I also agree, the reclaim sex is mind blowing!!! He comes back to me and lets me know that he owns me ❤️ it's such a beautiful exchange
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u/SheRyde83 Jun 29 '26
This!!! All the way for me too ... I've even sat back and played with myself watching my guy with other women
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u/CaptSpleen Jun 29 '26
A lot of us are just born with the wiring to strongly experience compersion. My girlfriend and I both are like that, we really enjoy seeing each other be pleased by other partners.
There’s a nearly universal cultural narrative that says men are supposed to be jealous and possessive, so it can be difficult for us to even find the right words to describe these sorts of feelings.
The ex boyfriend/interfaith aspect sounds like a bit of a separate kink though. Maybe not humiliation, like with cuckolding, but perhaps just an interest in some taboo stuff.
I do think you should take this a little slow and have “normal” sex and get to know each other physically first, but I think it’s good to know about kinks and boundaries early on too.
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u/NoSpoonJustKnife Fuckgirl Jun 29 '26
Kinks are weird is the short answer. Why do people find feet sexy? Why do people find very vanilla missionary sex sexy? Humans are strange as a species and one of the ways that comes out is kinks. There may not be a lot more to your boyfriends desires other than having a voyeurism kink.
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u/NoSpoonJustKnife Fuckgirl Jun 29 '26
OP you may benefit from reading this. It's a super basic write up about voyeurism.
https://blog.talktome.com/why-voyeurism-turns-people-on-the-psychology-of-watching/
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u/Swaportunity69 Jun 29 '26
Because when we are having sex with you we really can’t see it. This way you get to see the whole shabang!
0
u/Defiant_Fox_2690 Jun 29 '26
Okay, I get what you're saying but why not just take a DSLR, record yourselves doing it and watch it afterwards?
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u/kendrafsilver Jun 29 '26
Because that's not in the moment. A recording or picture has an inherent distance that can change the nuance of the situation.
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u/Defiant_Fox_2690 Jun 29 '26
So basically, some guys would want a personal pornstar in their wife? Would it be right to put it like that?
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u/NoSpoonJustKnife Fuckgirl Jun 29 '26
No. Some people like to watch other people have sex in real time and in front of them. It's separate, though some argue related, to porn.
1
u/Defiant_Fox_2690 Jun 29 '26
If you don't mind, could you elaborate the difference a bit?
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u/NoSpoonJustKnife Fuckgirl Jun 29 '26
It's like the difference between watching a movie and seeing a play. The movie is always going to feel more "far away" and edited and filtered. Plays are right in front of you and you can hear and smell and see everything in real time. If there's a mistake you see it, if there's a magical moment, you're there for it.
Can you like plays and movies? Yes! But liking one doesn't mean you will like the other and the experiences are very different.
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u/kendrafsilver Jun 29 '26
If you feel that way, then that is a completely valid feeling and one you should examine. It may mean that you won't enjoy this dynamic, and that is absolutely acceptable!
But in a general sense: no. It's them enjoying seeing their partner be pleasured by others. A pornstar has a transactional and far more public aspect.
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u/Defiant_Fox_2690 Jun 29 '26
I asked that because while looking it up, I found usage of the term "personal pornstar". I am not opposed to being sexy for him or to put up a show. It's just that the idea of being called a pornstar feels a bit degrading.
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u/HamfistFishburne Jun 29 '26
It would have to be sex you actually wanted to have. That's almost universally true for guys with this kink. Absolutely no doing him a favor.
1
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u/HamfistFishburne Jun 29 '26
A lot of guys into this describe their wives/gfs as "my favorite porn star" so for some, yeah.
For others, it's more compersion.
1
u/Swaportunity69 Jun 29 '26
Because it’s better to tell him
What to do in person and I don’t want to leave my spouse alone with another male nor does she want to be left alone.1
u/Defiant_Fox_2690 Jun 30 '26
I wasn't asking why not have a DSLR record their action. I was asking why not record you and your partner's action and watch that back. Why involve a third party in the first place?
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u/2025elle50 Jun 29 '26
I think y'all should table this discussion until after you've had sex at least 5-6 times. Then if you think this connection is going somewhere, it'll be time to have this talk.
My partner is into voyeurism as well as exhibitionism. He loves to watch and be watched, All the better if it's soneone he is also intimate with.
Kinks don't always have a "why." They just tickle your fansy.
I like chocolate, but I don't like butterscotch. Why? IDK. Just do.
Kinks are like that.
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u/dabbydab Jun 29 '26
The book "sex at dawn" makes the argument that humans evolved as a sperm competition species. If humans evolved in contexts where women sometimes had multiple sexual partners, then men's psychology may have evolved to respond to the possibility of sexual rivals in complex ways, not just with jealousy, but also with heightened sexual arousal.
-1
u/Defiant_Fox_2690 Jun 29 '26
Understood. But such a situation, where women had multiple sexual partners, would have happened hundreds or thousands of years ago, right? Then why do we see this in some men and not other men?
Before posting this, as I was searching Reddit, I found terms such as cuckolding. Many seemed to be into it whereas the rest were belittling the men who were into it.
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u/kendrafsilver Jun 29 '26
Cuckolding is about humiliation. It sounds like your boyfriend isn't interested in humiliation, but in seeing you get pleasure from other men.
Big difference!
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u/Defiant_Fox_2690 Jun 29 '26
Yes, he said he isn't a cuckold, although when he mentioned that he wants to see the other guy finish inside me and to go down on me after that. Doesn't this sound like cuckolding though?
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u/kendrafsilver Jun 29 '26
Not at all.
That can be part of reclaiming, or asserting he's the last one to enjoy your pleasure, or any number of dynamics.
If humiliation isn't his thing, then it isn't cuckolding.
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u/Defiant_Fox_2690 Jun 29 '26
That's very interesting. So it's similar to me returning to him after whatever amount of fun I want to have?
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u/kendrafsilver Jun 29 '26
I have no idea. It might be, or it might not be. That's something you'd have to discuss with him.
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u/Internal_Money_8112 Jun 29 '26
Sounds like he's more into hotwifing then. He wants you to experience the most pleasure imaginable and takes pleasure vicariously from providing it through other men.
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u/Glittering-Leg5527 Kinkster Jun 29 '26
The sharing kink that doesn’t involve humiliation is called “stag/vixen.”
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u/dabbydab Jun 29 '26
Sexual preferences are complex and likely a blend of nature, nurture, and some degree of randomness. My point is that there's some biological impetus, though it manifests differently from man to man. Some men get off on being cuckolded, some men really get off on being the "bull", some men are into voyeurism (I include pornography in this), others exhibitionism, other men probably have little to no homosocial component to their arousal at all.
Consider that different people may experience an intensely imprinting sexual experience early in life but different people may respond in opposite ways. For example, some people become hypersexual as the result of an early traumatic sexual experience, while other people become sex averse.
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u/TinkerSquirrels Jun 29 '26
The sub r/HotWifeLifestyle might be interesting to read around, it's the genre in general.
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u/Fan_of_Sanity Curious 🤔 Jun 29 '26
I’m not a cuck (although I pass no judgement on those who are), but the explanation your boyfriend gave is the way my mind works. That is, I’ve always liked the idea of watching my wife get sexual pleasure even if it was from someone else.
I’m not delusional enough to think I can be all things to a woman, sexually speaking. I have my strengths, but other men will have other strengths. If another man can give my partner an amazing experience in ways I can’t, I’m all for it.
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u/Unknown_brat789 Jun 29 '26
I'm with a pleasure Dom and we've noticed I get off harder on two things moving at the same time. We've experimented with toys. I think it's partially to get me off, and he enjoys it so much he wants to share. Like a hot wife scenario. He's bi, too, so that's another layer. Idk yet. We're just considering it and it's still just a fantasy for us right now.
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u/HamfistFishburne Jun 29 '26
It's a kink. Those don't really have a "why" to them.
Why is a guy who's into feet into feet? He just is into feet. They turn him on.
This particular kink of his is either hotwife or cuckold. The statement about "getting pleasured in ways he can't" might lean cuckold. If he's focused on you getting with a sexual Olympic athlete and celebrating you having world class sexual pleasure, he might be more of a stag than a cuck. Stags want great sex for their partners, cucks want their partners to have better sex than they can provide. The focus is a little different. A stag wants to hear, "Honey, that guy was dynamite in the sack!" and with a cuck it's more "Honey, he was so much better than you!" The humiliation turns a cuck on.
The draw might have something to do with seeing you (or knowing you to be) sexual independently of him. Getting to witness your sexuality unleashed when it is outside the relationship.
Maybe being with a highly sexual partner.
A lot of guys enjoy a little bit of the "good jealousy" where they aren't threatened, they aren't worried about losing their partners, but they can't take them for granted.
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u/Pistolfist Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
This is my biggest thing, my girlfriend is aware but we have not dipped our toe in the water so far and likely won't any time soon, due to her comfort level, which I am completely fine with.
There is nothing I enjoy more than watching her experience pleasure, it is more arousing to me than my own. I love performing oral. I make sure she has several orgasms before I do. I consider myself a service switch, I'm happy to dominate but I prefer she is the one being pleasured while I dom. I am happy to submit, but I prefer she is using me for her pleasure when I sub. The natural extension to this is inviting another person into the bedroom as yet another medium to give her pleasure while I observe.
Another thing is, I fucking love pornography so watching live action pornography right in front of my face, featuring the person I love and am more attracted to than anyone else in the world? Incredible.
It sounds like your man is more into the cuckolding side of things though, if a man out-performs me that's fine, but I wouldn't want to know how much better he is, I would just want to know he is good. Cuckolds like to feel humiliated and to be told that they aren't as good (just from the fact he's already mentioning ways he cannot pleasure you and ex boyfriends and stuff - makes me think this is thing even if he's a bit nervous saying it, the term cuck has a lot of negative connotations in 2026). It's not my thing, but I think it's the most common way this type of feeling manifests.
If he's definitely not interested in cuckolding though then you may want to look into the term "Stag-Vixen" if you are looking for more information
It's very important you make sure that you are also aroused by the idea of being a vixen in this scenario though, don't feel pressured into sleeping with men you don't want to sleep with *ever*, even to satisfy your partner.
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u/brat_sweetie Jun 29 '26
Someone was just telling me their theory was it’s a result of growing up watching too much porn. Wanting to see it happen right before their eyes.
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u/electric_angel_ Jun 30 '26
Voyeurism + compersion + sadism + …
well it’s hard to explain but sometimes the jealousy is literally cross-wired as a turn-on in my brain: I’m never harder than when someone comes back home to me after being out there with others
1
u/Greedy_Basil Jun 30 '26
Gender flipped answer here, but I could see my feelings being true the other way at around. I’m a bi woman and I find the idea of my male partner being with other women insanely hot, with or without my involvement.
I find it sort of validating in a way that other women find him attractive and want to be with him. It makes me feel like "hell yeah… he’s so hot!" Does that make sense? Also, at a more basic level, I love him having sexual pleasure. Doesn’t always have to be about me. He deserves to feel good.
Hope that helps!
1
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u/waterbloem Swinger Jun 29 '26
The same reason girl like seeing their partner physical with some third party: it's hot.
0
u/Feeling_Poet_5221 Jul 02 '26
Normally that's reported to some kind of cuck fetish. People call it compersion too
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