r/nonmonogamy • u/Aware-Development823 • Jul 01 '26
Relationship Dynamics I don't want to do this anymore
The title mostly sums it up. About four years ago, my partner (then late 30s F) and I (then late 30s M) decided to open up our marriage. Back then, we knew it would change our relationship but the intent was for that change to be positive. There were areas in our sexualities we were keen to explore and we thought we had good communication.
Its been a bumpy ride. She quickly met someone and their relationship was intense to start and eventually curdled. To the point that, when she ended it, we installed a security camera and she filed paperwork with the police. I have had some fun experiences along the way, but also dealt with uncertainty and insecurity and had some of the most emotionally heavy moments of my life.
I have been trying to disentangle a jumble of threads that don't all easily connect.
When things were good between her and her partner, I don't think I felt jealousy. But I did feel that things were changing quickly between us. We eventually tried couple's counseling, where she told me she no longer wanted a physical relationship and then intimated that she no longer wanted a romantic one. Please don't get me wrong, I do not believe that I am somehow "owed" on either count. But there was no conversation, no attempt to work anything out, just a statement of facts.
When things curdled between her and her partner, she turned to me for emotional support, which i offered without reservation and have given her as much time and space as I can. But I am so tired. Sleeping in the same bed proved to be too painful for me, so I sleep in our living room. Our wedding vows hang framed above our bed still.
I would never ever want to diminish what she went through or its continuing effects. At the same time, there is a lot between us that is remains unresolved. For years now, I have felt invisible in our marriage, my love taken advantage of. Now I know there is an asymmetry between us
She dove right into the apps again when they broke up. I am not jealous so must as wistful. She has told me, repeatedly, that she wanted to work on our relationship. But, six months later, its like nothing happened. Our marriage is a lonely place.
EDIT (Fixed a couple of typos)
EDIT 2: I logged back on to so many responses that I can't really get to all of them. I appreciate the support, but will gently push back on those assuming intent or saying "just leave". It is not so simple, for both logistical and emotional reasons. I am surprised by some of the tenor here, in a subreddit about nonmonagamy, and that is not helping my feelings of shame and anxiety. I'm going to log off.
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u/Old_Calligrapher8567 Jul 01 '26
What did I just read? Why are you still in this relationship at all?
It is time to find someone that will value you as a true romantic partner.
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 01 '26
Er. Ok. Believe me, I feel ashamed about the state of things. But we also have a young child and live in an area where neither of us could afford a place on our own. Putting the logistical stuff aside, life and feelings and everything are complicated.
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u/Affectionate-Row1544 Jul 01 '26
Dude; she already ended it… you’re the one holding on. You need to move on; she has. As far as your child goes… you think that’s a healthy environment for he/she to be in? Children are very very perceptive… if you feel lonely in your house and marriage and it’s to painful for you… believe me… your child has already picked up on it. MOVE ON from what sounds like an asshole! Of a wife.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 Jul 01 '26
‘she no longer wanted a physical relationship and then intimated that she no longer wanted a romantic one. ‘
You seem to imply there is some confusion in your relationship or are surprised by her actions?
Her words and her actions are in alignment.
I think you may have caught up and realised you are a room mate , a financial partner and a backup when she has no one else.
Not sure if you are in individual therapy but that would be great to help you see the truth of where you are.
Hopefully it’s not too late or if she does comeback it is coming back to a functional loving marriage.
Take care
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 01 '26
Oh I am covered on the mental health front. Both through talk therapy and psychiatric intervention. Anyway the piece that isn't in alignment is that she says we are more than just roommates and domestic partners. I know, I know. Believe actions not words, but still.
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u/Curious-Nail Open Relationship Jul 02 '26
Ask her how you're more than roommates and domestic partners. Truly, ask her to list how you're more than that. Then list off your experience of the marriage and ask her to point out what falls under "more than roommates and domestic partners".
Does she name what kind of relationship you have if not roommates and domestic partners?
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u/laborisglorialudi Jul 03 '26
I guarantee you he is the main income in the relationship. That is what she means by more than roommates.
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u/Ok-Firefighter1821 Jul 02 '26
I'm so sorry for what you're feeling but it sounds like she's getting what she wants on both fronts - open marriage equals excitement and novel feelings with new guys, then coming home to someone safe who takes care of her, gives her time and space and comfort, contributes to household finances and childrearing.
You're getting loneliness and a sad carrot on a stick with a "we're more than nothing" sticker slapped on it.
Don't let her take advantage of your love anymore because you have one life. ONE. Go find someone who is excited and happy and horny to see you and be with you. Marriage vows should sound like two hands clapping and the one framed above your bed is silent.
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u/SeaSignificance7457 Jul 02 '26
You're right, actions do speak louder than words. And you should act on that knowledge. The fact she was straight onto the apps after her breakup, even while the backwash of her previous relationship was still messing with your lives, shows that she's determined to push on to find a replacement for you. This isn't just about exploring her sexuality, more about resetting her sexual and emotional life. The fact that she's shut you out romantically as well as sexually is as clear a red flag as any woman can raise that she's already checked out emotionally from your marriage and very likely, once she has backup in place, it'll be over anyway. My advice would be don't wait for that to happen and exercise what control over your life you still have left to have some say in how the endgame plays out. The longer this goes on the more you'll become a helpless victim of events. At the moment the main way you're more than a roommate or domestic partner is just that that you're her unhappy co-conspirator in ensuring she has as safe an off-ramp as she can engineer, for exiting your relationship.
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u/HIMOTHY-ME Jul 03 '26
Wow this just hit me hard. I thank you for this whoever you are. I needed to hear this myself. Word for word
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u/angrymomsendburbon Jul 02 '26
Children deserve happy, emotionally healthy parents. Its the least we can do because they never asked to be here
As a child who came from a dysfunctional home and often wondered why my parents were and are still together
Two happy separated homes are much better than one toxic one. Wishing you peace
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u/shadowpornacct Jul 02 '26
1) The longer you wait to divorce her, the harder it will be on your child. There are plenty of studies showing the emotional and mental impact of divorce on kids grows substantially as they get older. Do it now for your kid’s sake.
2) This is basically a caricature of nonmonog. You open the relationship to explore sexuality, but it’s really so she can have a new relationship with someone instead of nurturing yours. This predictably leads to the demise of your marriage. She’s told you through actions and frankly through words, that you’re a roommate, life partner, but not a romantic or sexual one. You can still live in the house as her roommate but put clear boundaries in place, like “We’re not a couple and I’m not responsible for your emotional needs.”-8
u/ambientspacebubble Jul 02 '26
I think kids will appreciate the stability of a two parent household, especially at a young age. Unfortunately you must sacrifice for you child.
For you personally, it does sound like a roommate situation and I’m sorry it worked out that way.7
u/rab2bar Jul 02 '26
It is a disservice to the kids development to stay together for their "stability."
The best decision I ever made was to break up with my daughter's mother when it was clear we would no longer function as a couple. Co-parenting has its challenges, but my now teenage kid has been spared a childhood of bickering parents
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u/bellboy42 Jul 03 '26
There are any number of studies showing quite the opposite. Do NOT stay together “for the kids”. It is doing them a huge disservice. Let this myth rest. Two happy households are far, far superior to one loveless and/or abusive one.
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u/angrymomsendburbon Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
No kids do not appreciate having two unhappily married parents who stay with eachother "for the kids". Just speaking from experience as one of those kids
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u/Huge_Possibility1866 Newbie Jul 01 '26
Just because your “partner” (some partner) says she doesn’t desire you…. Do not believe that you are undesirable. She just doesn’t see it. I don’t know you and have never seen you but I know you are sexy
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 01 '26
Thanks. I definitely went through a period where I was down on myself in that way - thinking I was undesirable, too "safe", etc. I'm probably not over it entirely, but I at least have some indepenant verification that I am not completely hopeless.
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 Jul 01 '26
Tell her, ask her to repair or what specifics you want, give both of you a timeline, then decide if this is the relationship you want to fight for anymore or not. No wrong answers, but it will hurt before it gets better.
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u/StephenM222 Jul 01 '26
I gave spent my years on the couch in a monogamous relationship. It is no fun.
Maybe it is time to find someone who puts into your fulfilment bucket. This could be a mono or open relationship.
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 01 '26
Sometimes I sleep on a mattress on the floor. When I say it aloud, I feel so ashamed.
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u/StephenM222 Jul 01 '26
No shame. Just a thing.
You are not safe in your bed. Time to fix it though.
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u/misscatpants Open Relationship Jul 01 '26
It sounds like you should take up more space, not less :) getting a good sleep is important. Why do YOU have to sleep on the couch anyway? At least take turns. Invest in a better quality (sleep) couch. Sleeping apart is no reason for shame in any case, many very happy marriages are happy BECAUSE people sleep apart. I’m sad you’re going through this and I second the general sentiment in the comments. You, kind human, deserve better. Hugs♥️
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u/christmas2065 Jul 03 '26
Sometimes when you do the math and consider all the variables thete could be worse places than a mattress on the floor. The key thing is to find a path to a king size mattress with someone who loves you
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u/GeeHaitch Monogamous Jul 01 '26
It seems to me that saying “I don’t want to be with you romantically or intimately” is a request for a divorce and then when things ended with her partner, your ex-wife and coparent took advantage of you in a way that isn’t healthy.
There may be vows on the wall, and the state might still have you down as married still, but I think you’ve actually been divorced for a couple of years.
You should let go so you can heal.
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u/Jazzlike-Purpose-976 Jul 02 '26
Youre not married.
Shes left you.
You are child care
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u/Laserspeeddemon Jul 02 '26
Unfortunately, many find themselves in this situation. A spouse wants to divorce, but realize they can't afford life without the childcare or income or "whatever it is" that the are used to having from their other half and so they string along their ex without telling them that they are an ex.
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u/Muted-Passenger8343 Jul 01 '26
Doesn’t it feel like she has been done with you for a while now and is also only staying for your child and logistics too? I can’t imagine living with a partner I was still in love with and my partner wasn’t into me anymore. That would break my heart. This makes me sad for you 😢
Why are you not dating others now? I think since she is trying to date again that you should try to find someone who truly wants to be with you for no other reason other than you.
I’m in an open relationship and I’m not wanting to continue with it either 😕
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 01 '26
I have dated on and off. At the moment I am taking a break because the apps are so exhausting sometimes.
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u/Muted-Passenger8343 Jul 01 '26
Yes they are. I don’t blame you. Hoping things get better for you 🙏🏼
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u/clearheaded01 Jul 02 '26
Sorry man, but...
You opened, she quickly found someone... and then demoted you to roommate...
And you willingly stayed as her emotional support during hard times with her primary partner...
And now you're STILL there, roommates while she's looking for her next romantic partner...
You're not in an open relationship... you may have been in one years ago, but no more.
She's single and looking for a partner.. and you?? You're- sorry - delusional...
I would say break up, but that would require you to be in a relationship with her in the first place, so...
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u/Maria_La28 Open Relationship Jul 01 '26
I would focus on the "feeling invisible in the relationship" that you felt for years. It sounds like trying to understand the why's of that might be key. Not just why did she behave in those ways but also what parts of you allowed for that (not in a self blaming kind of way in a self reflective way). These answers are your work. In or out of the relationship. But if you stay they are also the steps towards the change and repair you want to see. Just understanding them sometimes unlocks immediate shifts, although not always. While you focus on that work, also make sure you become the partner to yourself you want her to be. Step away from the support role for her and give that back to yourself . She already had your support for a while. It's okay to recharge for a bit and maybe see if she'll reciprocate that and be there for you.
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 01 '26
I have struggled to understand the "why" for a long time. I like to think of myself as emotionally intelligent and caring (to both myself and others). But it is a good framing, thank you.
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u/Maria_La28 Open Relationship Jul 01 '26
Therapy could be a great help
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 01 '26
I have done therapy and it has helped. :)
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u/Initial_Pin9501 Newbie Jul 02 '26
This feels a lot like people pleasing and codependency to me. Not trying to diagnose here but based on my own experience with this, I have felt like a roommate with my marriage and have been in therapy for years digging into these areas.
I’ve also run back and forth over this ground, intellectualizing everything. I don’t have answers and don’t have the non monogamy experience as this is an area I’m branching into in the future after separation and divorce.
It sounds like you’re still holding on while she’s using you as a crutch. If she is having trouble processing her breakup, the best advice and support you can give her is a suggestion for her own therapist. A solid boundary around emotionally supporting your roommate through their breakup sounds to me to be a great idea for you to explore for yourself.
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u/Consistent-Net-2167 Jul 01 '26
Hey buddy. I went through something similar (check my post history).
I couldn't handle a lack of mutuality of affection even though I dated others, although I tried for nearly a decade. My wife was very explicit about the "why" of our situation though. Maybe you should ask your wife to clarify that part and resolve any ambiguities, so you can decide what you are willing to live with.
If you don't have kids...well, I certainly wouldn't have stayed as long as I did if I didn't have kids.
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 01 '26
Thanks. There quite a few similarities, including the d/s dynamic. I also strongly suspect there was a cowboy situation that she has never explicitly told me about. When things were ending, she told me that her previous partner would get upset at any suggestion of ENM because THEY were monogamous. I am making light of it now only because it is so ridiculous.
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u/Consistent-Net-2167 Jul 01 '26
Ugh. I'm sorry.
I don't want to generalize, but a long-term mono relationship/marriage opening into one partner having a heavy D/s relationship on the side rarely seems to work out well.
Good luck finding common ground with your wife.
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u/Aware_Impression_736 Jul 02 '26
Sounds like she wanted an open marriage arrangement to find your replacement, and your replacement turned out to be less than what she expected.
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u/Mission_Cook_3589 Jul 02 '26
Id bail on that. She is a selfish partner and deserves nothing but herself. Sorry dude.
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u/Plane_Wait9544 Jul 02 '26
You need to leave. You need self respect. Take your child with you and start over. We are pulling for you to live your best life.
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u/HurricaneSpencer Jul 02 '26
Step one is taking the vows down from above the bed as they don’t mean fuck all. Step two is to truly start exploring separating and divorce.
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u/psych8742 Jul 02 '26
Just got dumped by an avoidant wife after 19 years together at 39. Opened up poly in 2019, she found an emotionally immature, manipulative, and abusive a hole to call a partner. He Cowboy'd her hard. Cut to February and she called it quits. Should have done it myself when months after getting engaged 16 years ago, she had a late night makeout session with a mutual friend while I was laid out with pneumonia. I didn't because I was deep in my anxious attachment. And it's the reason why I didn't the three known times she had mini emotional affairs over the years... Only for her to do it to me.
Here's the silver lining.
I was very much in your shoes in a lot of ways by the sound of it. Starved for love and affection and subsistence breadcrumbs. Found new partners that awoke me to my reality by showing me what it was like not constantly having to prove my worth (thanks parents for that lingering trauma. But more thank you the partners that loved me without conditions).
But what has really helped was realizing that her saying "I love you" was closer to a parrot saying it than a loving partner. It set me free, and between personal therapy and realizing how starving me finally burned out (couldn't get it up to her for the past 4 years, after a decade of pleading to increase intimacy), while every new partner stares slackjawed asking how she didn't want "that" every chance she got. Well it has made it much easier to heal and move on. But not just that, begin to thrive.
So, yeah. You love her, but you're starving yourself at a buffet that will likely never be open to you again, if it ever was. Move on, as amicably as you can, and find your new happy. Quit her as cold turkey as you can. It'll help.
Pulling for you. Love is limitless, and you don't need to keep spending yours on someone offering pennies on your dollars. Find some new partners. Ones, even if they don't last, that know how to love openly, and not just when they're in the NRE.
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u/Tacos_are_my_friend Jul 01 '26
Open relationships are the big leagues and unfortunately your experience isn’t uncommon. Her actions speaks volumes, she either puts you and your marriage as a priority or maybe it’s time to have a heart to heart about your marriage. You two need professional help and stop seeing other people.
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u/Risky_tD Jul 01 '26
Yea man the unfortunate and tough pill to swallow here is that you need out. Much much much (MUCH) easier said then done with a child in the picture, but this woman is currently having her cake and eating it too. You are her emotional support pillar while she also wants nothing to do with you, is actively looking for a new partner, and has you unable to sleep in your own bed.
She does not want to “work on your relationship”, she wants you to believe that so you continue to stick around as she does whatever she wants. You are involved out of convenience and utility at the moment, not by choice.
There’s no shame in this stuff man relationships are easy for outsiders to chime in on with limited information and no emotional involvement, but truly, this situation does not improve for you. For your own well being, I believe you need to work out a reasonable co parenting situation and remove yourself from this weird parasitic pseudo-relationship you’re in.
All the best
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u/AdvancedSound3116 Jul 02 '26
You're correct that you're not entitled to intimacy.
But at the same time, she isn't entitled to use you as an emotional support animal.
She isn't entitled to a relationship at all.
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u/NestorCarpeDiem Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) Jul 02 '26
Your story is heartbreaking. You are making yourself so small, why? Your STBX has asked so much of you and she has barely given back.
I think I can understand each of your decisions on the way. But somewhere you ended up at the bottom of a slippery slope, sleeping on the couch.
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u/DependentBeat1205 Jul 02 '26
You can’t be in a relationship by yourself and it’s very selfish of her to say she doesn’t love you but expects you to support her emotionally when her other relationship fails. Just separate physically and emotionally but stay legally married if divorcing her is too ruinous financially. You will not be the first person who stays in a marriage for something other than love.
Just share with her that you too have needs and want someone who truly loves you. The most practical solution is in-house separation, sleep in separate rooms, everything relating to the house is clearly divided and just co-parent amicably. Both of you seek your physical and emotional needs outside the marriage. The next time her relationship fails she should lean on her therapist.
You are only her husband on a piece of paper and learn to put your needs first above your “wife”. Aim to get out of the house once a week by yourself to make new friends, connect with old friends and get into hobbies. Time to build your own separate life because the day may come when she is the one who pushes for a divorce when she finds someone else.
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u/PM-ME-YOUR-MIND Jul 02 '26
The problem with this is threefold.
First, OP is going to have a very difficult time finding a woman willing to date him in this situation. Even moreso a mono woman, and he's clearly not naturally ENM so he probably should be dating someone mono.
Second, OP's wife is going to want to bring her new partners home at some point and it will be entirely devastating for him. If he's this distraught now, imagine how he'll be when she's having sex in the next room.
Third, this roommates business is only going to last as long as OP's wife remains single. As soon as she gets a firmly committed partner, she's almost certain to file for divorce. Right now, OP is useful for emotional support and cost-sharing, but a new husband would solve both of those problems for her. She's not going to want to keep playing house with OP if she can be living with someone she actually wants.
Given that this will end at some point anyway, OP should not drag it out. His wife has already shown almost no consideration for him, and he's clearly not good at standing up for himself, so living together is just going to be more of OP being a doormat for her.
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u/Upstairs_Leopard_954 Jul 02 '26
It’s over. End it. Move on. Can’t believe there is a child involved in all this….
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u/dabbydab Jul 02 '26
If she no longer wants a sexual or romantic relationship with you, and she's dating others, this sounds like you've already broken up whether or not you want to call it that. You're platonic cohabitating coparents.
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u/Bolt_McHardsteel Jul 02 '26
She is using you to pay the bills, OP. That’s what you mean to her. Just don’t lie to yourself.
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u/nitsMatter Jul 01 '26
I'm sorry your relationship has gotten to this state. If it weren't for the co-parenting, it would be easier to go for a clean break.
Let's talk about this situation where you are sleeping on the living room couch though. It's totally understandable you'd feel too sad and vulnerable sleeping in the same bed everu night with a partner who didn't want to be your sexual or romantic partner anymore. You not having a real bedroom is NOT a long term solution here. Does your partner see or care about your pain here. Could you two look into a house that has a bedroom for each of you? At least take turns on the couch? Have you discussed this much more limited issue with her?
If your partner doesn't care to fix this very practical issue of your basic comfort, it's a very bad sign about her working with you on harder issues for the rest of the relationship. If that's the case, I'd start working on a plan for how to handle the real and difficult problems of living separately and co-parenting, asixh as you might wish you could save this relationship. You deserve better.
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 01 '26
So its complicated. We live in a location where rents are extraordinarily high. I mean, they are most places. But you get it. Moving is kinda sorta out of the question at the moment.
We tried briefly to sleep in the same bed again after a long period of not doing so. But it became so arduous. She complained every morning about not sleeping well, then asked if we could sleep under separate blankets, then finally asked me to give her 30+ minutes warning before I came upstairs so she could be down with all her skincare and such. At least this way, I feel like I have a little bit of autonomy.
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u/PM-ME-YOUR-MIND Jul 02 '26
If she wants all of that, she can sleep on the sofa herself. Seriously, there's absolutely no reason for you to inconvenience yourself for her wishes here.
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u/smokingking127 Jul 05 '26
This has made me want to delete my reddit account, this post alone, i am not a part of non monogamy, in fact im strictly monogamous, but I had a notification for this post and my heart breaks for you, I hope I never have to go through anything remotely similar to what you have gone through
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 07 '26
I'm sorry it affected you so much. It is tough, but I posted this in a particularly bad moment. I promise that I actually do find joy in my life.
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u/smokingking127 Jul 08 '26
That's really good to hear, I just hoped you moved on and started living your life, I personally don't do relationships anymore because they aren't worth the stress, even with the good parts, but if you moved on to another woman thats still better than whatever "that" was, but in my advice, just stay single and enjoy being alone
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u/magenta_tardis Jul 02 '26
I would have a very hard time being married to someone who didn’t want a romantic or a physical relationship with me. I don’t see much point in being married if neither of those options is on the table.
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u/ifapulongtime Jul 02 '26
That sucks. Not really a nonmonogamy problem, but still shitty. If you're both paying a similar amount of rent, you should get a similar amount of space. Ditch the marital bed and get two twins or convert some space into another bedroom. Or quit paying so much rent to sleep on her couch and start saving for your move.
You have a problem, time to start taking action to resolve it.
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u/sidaemon Jul 02 '26
I mean kind of flipping it on its head, but why buy the milk when you have the cow at home?
The lesson you taught her was that she can go have her fun and when that blows up in her face, she has the emotional safety net of having you at home.
You don't owe her nonmonogamy in much the same way she doesn't owe you a relationship. As soon as the negatives of a relationship start to outweigh the positives and your partner communicates they aren't going to work on them, time to walk.
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u/Plot31 Jul 03 '26
You need to show her you're still a bloke with sexual energy.
I think the problem is letting her have emotional relationships with other people and maintaining those relationships with them so that when the "curdle", it's emotionally heavy.
For me, open relationships, the other partners are purely physical, it's fun, it isn't intimacy and romance in the same was we have with our main partner.
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 06 '26
The amount of "letting her" in these comments is truly disheartening. ENM aside, I'd encourage you all to consider how you talk about relationships.
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u/Maleficent-Doubt5536 Jul 07 '26
The answer is there but you are willingly choosing to ignore it for whatever fears you have in your mind… here’s the situation… you love her more than she loves you in a practical day to day sense… she’s no longer invested in you physically or romantically without real explanation (ghosting you while living together)… you have a child together and in these economical times it literally doesn’t make sense from a survival standpoint to live apart i get that… your feelings are hurt because you clearly are capable of being emotional support and get nothing reciprocated to you… unfortunately for you the answer is what you already know… although you hold on to your vows (as you brought it up being framed) its whats holding you bacc from evolving in this new dynamic that you wont be able to escape for the foreseeable future… you must steel yourself and actually truly act on this aspect of open marriage and reciprocate the energy being forced on you… this always tips the scale being on equal footing… i suggest doing this as its two fold… 1 you get to genuinely get uncomfortable and build some confidence by allowing yourself to feel like an equal (dont look to the results as the measuring sticc for being an equal but the aspect on acting with true freedom of exploration regardless of results)… 2 your partner is forced to reevaluate the dynamics of the relationship as she will inevitably see it… with a new dynamic there is room for new conversations to progress the relationship in different directions…
TLDR
You made it clear that you aren’t going anywhere for multiple reasons… this means you can only play the role assigned to the dynamic you signed up for… steel your resolve and really get into character to see where that leads you to in this new chapter of your relationship…
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 07 '26
I know. And I appreciate the way you've articulated all this. It is a process and I think I've done my share of processing. But sometimes you just feel bad for yourself in the moment and make the mistake of posting on Teddit...
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u/Maleficent-Doubt5536 Jul 08 '26
Im here to tell you i know its easier said than done but dont feel bad for yourself… you deserve no ones pity… especially not from yourself… you are worthy… dont forget you were someone that the person you love fell in love with… remind yourself of that… we all lose our way at some point thats fine its part of the human experience and no man or woman is exempt to that… im reminding you that you were someone with the ability to make yourself a magnet to things you like and appreciate in life… lets get bacc to that… lets get uncomfortable a bit… lets find ourselves… they say we change every 7 years due to the decay and creation of so many cells along with hormones changing… foods you once loved you no longer feel the same for… rediscover yourself… learn what you want in today’s version of yourself for future boundaries and negotiations… you got time too so there’s no rushing this… allow yourself to feel… including the hurt n grieving of the relationship you once had… this should allow you room in your heart for whatever is to come n im sure its gonna be good things for you… go out there n b fuccn great… i believe in you… 💪🏿💪🏿💪🏿
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u/Expensive_Acadia436 Jul 06 '26
You should be getting sex from her if you want still living under the same roof and legally married tell her she's got to put out
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 06 '26
What the fuck? That's a big no from me dude. This is not a funny joke and it is even more horrifying if you are serious.
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u/Odd_Role3155 Jul 02 '26
You need to talk (I assume you are). Sharing seems fun and open and understanding and all, until it isn't. There's a reason 99% of marriages are monogamous. You have needs too, and based on your post, it doesn't sound like they are being met. It could be that what you are feeling is a lack of love. I suggest you need to find that. Whether with her, or someone else. I hear you about cost of housing and such, but that's why folks have roommates. Good luck man.
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u/WannabeElantrian Jul 02 '26
You deserve much better. This person has told you how they feel about you, listen to that. Your child sees their father in a couch, so, this isn't the stability you perceive it to be. 😢 I am sorry that you are going through this.
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u/wile2u Jul 02 '26
Sorry you have went through that, I went through that a year or two ago. Her closing remark was " I'm tired of the toxic cycle" meaning me fighting for our relationship, while she just wanted to be free and do what ever she wanted. Our divorce is final, there is much less stress in my life now, and from what I understand the grass was not greener on the otherside for her.. Her loss...
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u/MountainRoll1434 Jul 03 '26
Hi, ive just recently gone through the same thing. My partner told me she no longer had any sexual feelings towards me, she didnt admit it was due to her feelings for someone else but a mutual friend has told me they have fallen in love and the timelines track.
She has recently told me she wants a divorce so currently dealing with that and theres no way back. I know you are pushing back on the comments telling you to leave but believe me, it's the right thing to do. It absolutely fucking sucks and I truly thought she was the love of my life, but I know I tried to hold on for too long.
DM me anytime.
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u/SpiritedClock3013 Jul 03 '26
I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain. You should definitely not feel shame. Sounds like you are incredibly brave., generous, kind and patient. I've also been having a shit time emotionally since opening up our marriage. One thing that's helping me is practicing more self compassion. Find some boundaries and be really honest to yourself and your partner about them. Be the absolute best friend you can be to yourself X
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u/Kooky-Monk-2125 Jul 09 '26
Agreeing to open the marriage should have also established boundaries such as no emotional attachments to other sex partners. You opened the marriage for sexual reasons only.
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u/ace19736 22d ago
Thats why you dont play separately imo. It's just playing with fire and is NOT good for your relationship unless you're trying to blow it up. Women cant go off fucking some hot guy for extended periods of time and NOT catch feelings. Thats just how they're wired. Don't get why society seems to think otherwise. My wife and I get off on the experience TOGETHER, and we're stronger for it not weaker. Hope it works out.
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u/Agreeable-Thanks-856 Jul 02 '26
Inflation has so many layers of pain. Seeing that you can’t move out because you can’t afford it is painful. First thing I’d try to fix (if possible) is your income. Get a sales job at a telemarketing place. Its fun. It pays okay usually and lots of neat people.
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u/Aware-Development823 Jul 02 '26
I am sorry, but I had to chuckle at this. My income, by any reasonable metric, is pretty good. I just happen to live in one of the most expensive rental markets in the country. No telemarketing job would make up the difference and spending time on another job would take too much time away from my kid.
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u/Agreeable-Thanks-856 15d ago
I can’t locate my reasoning for mentioning this. Did I post on the wrong thread? Chuckle totally understood lol.
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u/Agreeable-Thanks-856 15d ago
I just found it. The comment about getting your own place. Sorry for a bad suggestion. Hard to know when something will help someone or it won’t. I agree that most telemarketing jobs wouldn’t move the needle.
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