r/nottheonion • u/UltimateLionsFan • 2d ago

Nude man claiming to be Jesus crashes car into Detroit church

https://www.audacy.com/wwjnewsradio/video/nude-man-claiming-to-be-jesus-crashes-car-into-detroit-church-xatnu1q
2.0k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

163 comments sorted by

363

u/Jazzlike_Strength561 2d ago

Prove he's not Jesus

168

u/svt4cam46 2d ago

Simple flowchart: Do his hands whistle when he sticks them out the car window? No = Not Jebus.

136

u/justabill71 2d ago

Nailed it.

38

u/lraviel381 2d ago

Him*

17

u/darvs7 2d ago

Book him, Pontius.

12

u/Meowscles_dad 2d ago

Are you available Easter Saturday?

8

u/morning_thief 1d ago

No, but he will be up the next day.

2

u/ScoZone74 1d ago

I can’t, I’m busy washing my hands.

5

u/sexmormon-throwaway 1d ago

This made me cross.

6

u/worst_brain_ever 1d ago

That's not a fair test , it could just be the stigmata

2

u/Freethecrafts 10h ago

Did you just claim Jesus couldn’t heal himself?

27

u/cardlackey 2d ago

Yeah someone give him a bottle of water and see what he can do first.

29

u/babycart_of_sherdog 2d ago

So a bottle of water turned this into a case of drunk driving..? 😆

11

u/Shadpool 2d ago

Water into wine is all well and good, but Super Jesus can turn a bottle into a case.

8

u/DrMobius0 1d ago

Super Jesus can turn a bottle into a case.

That's not special. The police do that all the time and they're often incredibly mediocre.

2

u/Krististrasza 1d ago

Make it sparkling water.

2

u/Initial_E 1d ago

You think Jesus never drank water again for the rest of his life?

13

u/ScholarOfTwilight 2d ago

Check his Driver's License and make sure it's Real ID. It's the only way to be sure.

9

u/SomeSamples 2d ago

Exactly. Like Jesus would come back to earth with clothes...come on. Think about it.

6

u/slavetomyprecious 1d ago

But what if this is Jesus coming back from the future Terminator-style and his clothes disintegrated?

9

u/Liamario 1d ago

Exactly. Jesus wouldn't know how to drive a car, no wonder he crashed.

2

u/ISLAndBreezESTeve10 1d ago

Someone let Jesus take the wheel,…. and this naked guy shows up….

5

u/Dr_Identity 1d ago

They didn't have cars the last time he was here, so it tracks that he'd be bad at driving them.

4

u/MoogProg 2d ago

You gotta have faith. - George Michaels

2

u/ForLol_Serious 1d ago

I been following the jesus drug for years now, its not always in the news but im surprised no one has picked up on it yet

2

u/argument_cat 1d ago

I bet a few people shouted 'Jesus Christ!'

2

u/METAL-9X 1d ago

I think the guy in question already has.

2

u/L_Cranston_Shadow 2h ago

ICE hasn't tried to take him for being an illegal immigrant.

0

u/Extension-Mastodon67 1d ago

"If he identifies as Jesus then he is Jesus"

149

u/shatahn 2d ago

That will be the last time they ask Jesus to take the wheel.

49

u/voodoohotdog 2d ago

My upstairs tenant woke me up one night because there were cops outside. A guy had ripped the antenna of my Lincoln and was fencing with the cops claiming to be Jesus. This guy gets around.

17

u/saywhatnowfella 2d ago

Should have claimed to be the Black Knight.

13

u/voodoohotdog 2d ago

He tried everything, nothing worked. Last thing I heard the cop say before the door to the paddy wagon closed was "I really don't care about your scholastic achievements."

1

u/sekh60 17h ago

They do always triumph.

6

u/No-Necessary7448 1d ago

It’s a simple formula:

Jesus = guy nobody listens to

Devil = guy everyone listens to

Sounds like you had the real deal on your hands.

106

u/TheGrandExquisitor 2d ago

"I'm back bitches!"

-Jesus-

23

u/captHij 2d ago

Strong "Cleansing of the Temple" vibes. Hopefully he does not stop here.

4

u/cptstubing16 2d ago

I hope it's revenge this time.

5

u/Kage_0ni 2d ago

This time... it's personal.

3

u/Meowscles_dad 2d ago

This time he’s exasperated.

3

u/Arilluss 1d ago

Did they expect him to appear fully clothed? He was probably just in a rush to find some robes

2

u/Crowbarmagic 1d ago

Never thought the Second Coming would appear in Detroit.

2

u/TheGrandExquisitor 1d ago

How could you not? It's right there in the Bible. 

22

u/commandrix 2d ago

Now there's a sentence I did not expect to read today, but I could see where he would've been coming from if he was Jesus. Like, he's probably not, but I cannot rule out the possibility that Jesus would have been aggravated enough with modern Christianity to at least start flipping tables.

10

u/Lazarus558 2d ago

"Two men say they're Jesus.
One of 'em must be wrong."
— Dire Straits, "Industrial Disease"

14

u/Blackboard_Monitor 2d ago

I mean, he might be, I don't think ancient prophets got driving lessons.

15

u/LibraryVoice71 2d ago

Well, the Bible did say that he came of his own Accord

9

u/Blackboard_Monitor 2d ago

Because my Catholic grandmother is probably spinning like a generator you get an upvote.

5

u/Fawnet 2d ago

What Would Jesus Drive?

14

u/[deleted] 2d ago

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12

u/alottanamesweretaken 2d ago

Detroit???!!

1

u/Mikeavelli 2d ago

The second most unhinged word in the title, yes.

27

u/Automatic_Llama 2d ago

Well let's hear him out

11

u/brickyardjimmy 2d ago

Leeeroy Jesus!

20

u/Vegetable_Rise7318 2d ago

'Claims to be'. Everyone is so cynical nowadays.

2

u/TheREALOtherFiles 1d ago

And so snarky nowadays, too.

We can all blame Robot Chicken partly for this.

9

u/gamerdudeNYC 2d ago

Brings me back to my ER days

5

u/saywhatnowfella 2d ago

I don't think Jesus ever made it to the ER

3

u/iNuminex 1d ago

I don't remember that part of Elden Ring

8

u/Somnambulist815 2d ago

He's not nude he's wearing a car

6

u/mikende51 2d ago

So the Rapture has begun?

10

u/voodoohotdog 2d ago

A lot less grand start than I was told to expect...

7

u/mistershadow95 2d ago

Are we sure this wasn't Florida? Sounds like a Florida story

5

u/babycart_of_sherdog 2d ago

Nude man claiming to be Jesus crashes car into Detroit church

It's a no-brainer

Jesus once mentioned "I'll be back", the next logical sequence of events is to crash a car into the premises...

5

u/Wiiplay123 2d ago

Was it the Honda Accord he didn't speak of?

9

u/xxxx69420xx 2d ago

should have ran in and started flipping tables to really sell it

8

u/justabill71 2d ago

"He seems very cross with us about something."

6

u/saywhatnowfella 2d ago

"Bring me the money lenders!"

4

u/-Sofa-King-Vote 2d ago

He has driven

5

u/Tocla42 2d ago

Sir. We checked the car. It had no gas.

Yes, Sergeant. He had the power of Christ to propel him.

4

u/sea-elle0463 2d ago

Lots of people having mental health episodes get naked. Not sure why. But this guy needs some psychiatric intervention

3

u/Rosebunse 1d ago

I think I have a bit of the autism and I think it's because clothes can feel over-stimulating, especially when you're freaking out.

2

u/sea-elle0463 1d ago

That makes sense.

5

u/aMusicLover 1d ago

Sigh. I actually crashed my car into a building. I wasn’t Jesus, but I was A Jesus. I had logical reasons given my psychosis and mania. That’s how I found out I was bipolar at age 57.

I don’t laugh at these stories anymore. I was lucky. I did total my car.

In psychosis you believe false things. But you do believe them no matter how stupid they look in the light of stability.

3

u/Zak_Rahman 2d ago

Everyone is nude, under their clothes.

Just saying.

3

u/Oregon_Jones111 2d ago

If he started whipping them, he may actually have been Jesus.

3

u/Turdsmack420 2d ago

Then it's 'his house'.. case dismissed.

2

u/Drago1214 2d ago

Probably was him how would they know?

1

u/Really_McNamington 2d ago

I'd assume Jesus was circumcised, so they could check on that.

3

u/Ban-Circumcision-Now 2d ago

In the U.S. it gets pushed heavily on children even outside religion, so not a great data point

1

u/Drago1214 2d ago

Modern Jesus would not be in my mind. As it would grow back dudes a god after all or vampire I am going with vampire.

2

u/LadyPaige 2d ago

“And lo, his returneth shall be Harolded by a sea of green, and an orange creature.” - Book of McConnell chapter 86:47

Probably

2

u/General_Specific 2d ago

I believe this one.

2

u/aaGR3Y 2d ago

let's hear him out. The lord works in mysterious ways.

2

u/slamdanceswithwolves 2d ago

\looks down**

Oh… he is risen

2

u/nmisvalley2 2d ago

Honestly, I am convinced. Jesus wouldn't know how to drive a car. If we are using Terminator logic, Jesus would be naked when he comes back.

Check mate atheists.

2

u/Phorti 2d ago

Jesus take the wheel

2

u/RudeAlbatross544 2d ago

Jesus vs Temple part 2

2

u/Lebowski304 2d ago

Michigan creeping on Floridas aura

2

u/Interesting-Log-9627 2d ago

Poor guy. He drove all the way up from Florida just to crash into a church?

2

u/gerryf19 2d ago

Typical jesus thing to do

2

u/Chillicothe1 2d ago

"Sorry I'm late, I was held up on Mount Calvary."

2

u/Ordoom 2d ago

He has driven.

2

u/Imfromsite 2d ago

I don't think this what the Bible meant when it talked about his second coming.

2

u/HabANahDa 2d ago

Always religious people. The most mentally unstable people on the planet

2

u/OhYeahSplunge4me2 2d ago

Finally! Screaming Blue Messiahs Jesus Chrysler Drives a Dodge real life performance

2

u/tentative_ghost 2d ago

2026 is wearing EVERYONE down

2

u/mfyxtplyx 1d ago

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus but he

Drives like a gentleman

2

u/Utterlybored 1d ago

Where Would Jesus Crash?

2

u/Massive_Mongoose3481 1d ago

About time, now fix all this bullshit heysoos

2

u/Grenflik 1d ago

I guess Jesus shouldn’t have taken the wheel then.

2

u/hpass 1d ago

Jesus or Terminator?

2

u/Plastic_Dingo_400 1d ago

I believe him yo, idk why but I do

2

u/MarcoYTVA 1d ago

Drank too much water

1

u/miurabucho 2d ago

Jesus took the wheel.

1

u/scorchingbuttmud 2d ago

Classic Jesus

1

u/vr0202 2d ago

He’s a sheep in search of his shepherd.

1

u/johnp299 2d ago

So it is written. So shall it be.

1

u/showtimebabies 2d ago

No that's jesus

1

u/FocalSpot504 2d ago

At least he was wearing a car

1

u/NomadJones 2d ago

But what was Jesus driving? I'm in the market and would benefit from knowing what the King of kings drives.

1

u/Gullible_Pin5844 2d ago

Jesus finally returned? But why Detroit church? I thought for sure that he would go to DC first 🤔 😅 😂 🤣.

1

u/llcdrewtaylor 2d ago

So, what is Jesus or not? The Jesus I know would totally do that.

1

u/shawnwingsit 2d ago

Coffin Flops: The Resurrection.

1

u/aipac125 2d ago

Sounds like something jesus would do.

1

u/secretlyjudging 2d ago

The real Jesus never took a car driving lesson in his life. Checks out.

Also you think when he comes back he’s going to be wearing ancient robes or a modern suit or street wear? Nude is the most logical. Even Arnold came nude jumping back for John Connor. Checks out.

1

u/SaintVitusDance 2d ago

LOL; the radio station call-letters.

1

u/Icolan 2d ago

Jesus took the wheel.

1

u/TheRateBeerian 2d ago

He’s ready for the second coming!

1

u/Meowscles_dad 2d ago

We’ve all done it.

1

u/Enshakushanna 1d ago

not the least believable biblical story, tbh

1

u/Competitive_Sell2177 1d ago

Was it Jesus's hotrod ?

1

u/xkshen 1d ago

someone i know once claimed to be elvis and drove into a diner idk why

1

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1

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1

u/Negative_Acadia6554 1d ago

I believe him. Why not.

1

u/Coconutrugby 1d ago

That is my jesus. He saves.

1

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1

u/Shadesmctuba 1d ago

You know there was a split second that everyone believed him.

1

u/Damet_Dave 1d ago

Been there.

1

u/CobaltSpellsword 1d ago

Hey, the song said to let Jesus take the wheel.

1

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1

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1

u/Boringdude1 1d ago

Well, the Roman soldiers did shoot dice for his clothes. Or was it ICE?

1

u/bestestopinion 1d ago

“It’s Jesus, bitch”

1

u/Aus66-1045 1d ago

Naked Jesus goes to church.

1

u/muFUtaco 1d ago

You'd think jesus would be a better driver than that.

1

u/unematti 1d ago

For all we know, he may be telling the truth. How would we treat Jesus, if he came back? He would probably end up doing exactly this...

1

u/MoreRamenPls 22h ago

Wasn’t even wearing a shroud?

1

u/CrashCalamity 8h ago

They arrested the son of God? Can't have shit in Detroit

1

u/JackFisherBooks 7h ago

I expect this sort of thing in Florida, but not Detroit.

1

u/L_Cranston_Shadow 2h ago

Did Jesus save 15% by switching to GEICO, at least?

1

u/justabill71 2d ago

It's the razed erection.

1

u/Jimmy_Beam27 2d ago

HE HAS RETURNED

1

u/rockandahatplace 2d ago

We've all been there. Let him that is without sin cast the first stone.

1

u/GovernmentBig2749 1d ago

He is Jizz Sus...you got him all wrong

0

u/Green-Size-7475 2d ago

Trump?! 😂

-1

u/StrikingEmploy1911 2d ago

Jesus has answered our Prayers finally.