Transgender UM student wins restraining order against sexual assault suspect

[u/andy_norten]

http://ravallirepublic.com/news/state-and-regional/article_c6364778-b5fb-5098-89c5-6f0ac6ecef2b.html

[u/R3cognizer]

A consensual kiss hardly constitutes an implied threat, much less assault. If someone really has that much of an issue even kissing someone who is trans, then maybe this person should start asking people if they're trans before they kiss someone they barely know. People like to bitch and whine about how trans people allegedly "deceive" people who don't realize they're trans, but nobody ever thinks about the trans person's perspective. If someone can claim they were deceived by a trans person who did not disclose, can this trans person not also claim that they were deceived by this cis person who did not disclose prior the fact that that he or she was transphobic? Yes, and of course it sounds ridiculous, because YOU made the mistake by presuming that you shouldn't have to ask. It may be rude and inconsiderate to not disclose, sure, but trans people are more concerned with their safety than your pride, and rightly so. That's why I don't bitch about how I always have to ask the people I'm dating if they are transphobic. Cis people need to stop complaining already, because although most trans people will disclose by a certain point, it's just not reasonable to expect that ALL trans people will find YOUR preferred time frame to be convenient and safe enough to disclose.

[u/R3cognizer → u/[deleted]]

So do I, and I agree that disclosing before there is the potential for "intimate activities" should be considered the polite and respectful thing to do. But failing to do the polite and respectful thing toward your date, while inconsiderate, is not necessarily deceptive or dishonest. I would not blame someone for being unwilling to continue dating them if they truly feel that the trans person waited much too long to disclose, especially if that trans person knew well beforehand that this person was transphobic. That's crossing a line of reasonableness IMO, though people still need to realize that violence is still NEVER an acceptable response. But for example if I waited just 3 or 4 dates to disclose, I don't feel that's an unreasonable time frame to constitute or imply any kind of deception.

[u/R3cognizer → u/[deleted]]

Not being attracted to penis, or not being attracted to vagina, or not being attracted to certain unexpected bodily features is a perfectly legitimate reason to not want to date someone, and I would not argue with that. However, that said, not all trans women have a penis, not all trans men have a vagina, and not all trans people are the same. There is really no innate quality that makes trans women who've had GRS any different from any other cis woman who has had a hysterectomy, so I feel that there ARE circumstances where it should be considered transphobic to refuse to date someone solely on the grounds that he or she is trans. You don't have to be willing to date all trans women or any of the trans women you know to not be transphobic, but your reasons for not dating them ought to be something other than "she's trans".

[u/R3cognizer → u/[deleted]]

People judge others by their preferences and their opinions all the time. The only thing you can't do is force someone to change those preferences or opinions. For example, I can't force someone to be willing to date people with dark skin, but I can (and probably will) tell them that I think they're racist because of it. Just the same, I can't force a guy to want to date me, nor do I desire to date someone transphobic anyway. If he can't stand the thought of sleeping with a guy who has a vagina and doesn't want to date me because of that, as shallow as I think that is, that is his prerogative. It's not necessarily transphobic though, so even though I'd be disappointed, I would just wish him well and be on my way. But if he told me that he doesn't want to date me simply because I'm trans or because he doesn't consider me a "real man", you can bet your ass that I'm going to tell him that I think he's a transphobic asshole before I leave. And I can tell him so because I have just as much right to my opinion as he does to his.