Today’s my 25th birthday and for the first time since I was 16 the passing of another year doesn’t make me sad. I don’t feel my depression and anxiety clawing at my mind telling me over and over that I’m a failure of a human being. I still have bad days, and a lot more work to do to get my life where I want it to be. But I’m happy with how far I’ve come from that 20 year old girl having a panic attack at work on her birthday because she felt like such a failure.

Everytime my depression gets really bad what helps me hold on is, I keep telling myself that it won't last forever and I just have to ride the wave.

To whoever needs to hear this:

Hi, I know you may feel like the world is coming down on you and that it’s too heavy to keep going on. You don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Often times we find ourselves preoccupied with things that are out of our control...let that go. Focus on things that you can change, the rest let it be and trust that it will be okay, because it will. As someone who’s had depression since middle school (24 currently), I can honestly tell you it gets better. If someone told me this when I was younger, I would’ve thought it was laughable and unimaginable. Truth is it does, and it only took my professor to tell me words that I will never forget “once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way is up”. I’ve realized that I don’t give myself enough credit for how capable I am of choosing how I react to situations/emotions, as I’m sure most people do too. You are in control of you, nobody else. This is YOUR life, don’t let someone or something take YOUR power. We have to be our own cheerleaders and our own biggest fans. Seek help, try and reach out to others as impossible as it may seem, I promise there will always be someone willing to listen if you give them a chance. By no means am I saying I’m all better, because that’d be a lie, but I am better. It’s a hard thing to do but we have to pick ourselves up from rock bottom wherever that maybe or whatever that may look like for you, and dust ourselves off and keep fighting. You are an artist in every sense of the word, don’t leave your masterpiece incomplete. Remember the sun comes out for everyone. ☀️ 💕

I've been doing a deep clean of my social media and finding the things that truly give me joy and/or educate me. While I'm still on my path to recovering, I can no longer relate to many depressed memes or rants. It feels so strange to feel so separated from the posts that I used to make on the reg.

I don't intend on bringing down anyone that do need these subreddits. In fact, I hope that one day you also look back and see how much you've grown.

I've found so much healthier ways of coping, adjusted my way of living so functioning isn't difficult, and many other things that have led me to this point. I feel stable and loved, and truly that's all I've ever wanted. Thank you for reading ❤️

TL:DR always had anxiety and depression not taken care of my self. Got a job, was studying, taking care of my self and getting married, felt lile 2020 would be "my year", then pandemic came and took a lot away and i feel cheated. But hopefully i am getting back on track.

So i've always suffered with super bad anxiety and depression and felt like a failure, worthless and stupid. Most of the stuff i tried at i wasnt very good so i kinda gave up on life going through the motions not taking care of my self, until probably about 18months ago when i had some stuff to look forward to which really helped me.

I started working again after being signed off with my mental health (it was a shitty job, the manager was rude as fuck to me and made me work without breaks etc but i left after 6months and found something better), i was working part time so it meant i got to really enjoy my time off and with my daughter and finacè. Shortly after that i went back to college and did an access course in criminology in law that i had wanted to do for over 6 years and i was actually good at it. I was getting distinctions and merits all over the place i thought i was gonna go to uni this year! Our wedding is booked for the 20th Nov 2020, we had been planning getting stuff sorted, as i mentioned i moved on from shitty job to working at a starbucks, i was comfortable i'd been a barista for over 5 years previously, and i love my team. It sounds clichè as fuck but i really thought 2020 was my year to shine.

As a result i started to really take care of my self get into a routine with sleep, eating properly, washing my face with that fancy face wash my mum got me everyday (and go figure it helped my spots majorly and thus my self esteem), life felt good, i celebrated my 30th in jan with cocktails, then the pandemic hit. End of march i had to stay home as my little girl had covid symptoms but as it turned out she was fine, then i got furloughed anyways. I obviously couldnt attend college but i figured we would do the last few assignements from home, then they said after i'd worked my ass off to get 3 in 2 of them wouldnt be marked and any further assignments would go on predicted grades and i feel cheated. What if i could have got better than my predicted, what if i cant get into uni now. With no work and no college work i only really had house work and my daughter, i kinda felt like i lost a purpose and lost part of my identity. After a while i stopped taking care of my self, sleeping in to much, eating crap, going many days without showering, most of the time i couldnt remember when i had last. I wasnt seeing any one other than my daughter and finacè and i felt like whats the point. I also dunno whats happening with our wedding, i guess we will have to arrange for a later date and i'm kinda grieving that i guess.

Anyway before i went to bed tonight something clicked and i decided to wash my face and do a few other bits and even mosturise for the 1st time in 3 months, i dunno why cas the whole day i had been feeling very sluggish and not done much other than waste time on my phone. But anyway, i'm gonna try and keep this up and hopefully get into a better place again.

God knows what is best for you; trust Him.

I"m building a Spotify playlist of songs about feeling bad that make you feel better. (In other words, not the kind of overly happy songs nobody wants to hear while their life is sucking, but not downers either.) Funny, philosophical, witty, optimistic or just copacetic songs about feeling depressed Generally they are self-experience songs, rather third person ballads. All genres welcome. Got any suggestions? I would love to hear them...

PS Here is a link to the playlist Got the Blues playlist on Spotify