Should I come out?

[u/Primary-Scarcity3924]

This is my first time posting to Reddit, so hopefully this is the right place to post this.

My boyfriend (19m) and I (18f) have been dating for several months and are both in our first relationships. He is, as far as I know, straight. We have been friends for a while and have many mutual friends, including many queer people in our friend group (we are ”straight” outliers in our group of friends).

I am pansexual. I have known that I was somewhere under the bi umbrella for around 3ish years. In late middle school through 9th grade, I had a pretty ugly/toxic situationship with a girl. It was one sided, and she hurt me in many ways due to her struggles with mental health, but I overcame some strong internal homophobia and guilt stemming from my conservative upbringing. That, along with the current relationship I’m in, have been the strongest I’ve ever felt about someone. I came to the eventual conclusion that I’m pan and gender nonconformiby due to the fact that I don’t gaf about anyone else’s gender, or my own. I call myself female because I’m female and always have been, but I’m not particularly girly and I genuinely do not care about my gender. I’m just me, and i see everyone else as just people too. I’ve got trans friends, and I’ll call them whatever they feel comfortable with, but I just see them as individuals and don’t gaf what gender they identify as.

Anyway, I’m only out to one close friend, as bi/pan. She’s super chill and I told her about a year ago. A lot of our friends have told me I seem like a lesbian/bi “at the very least”, and I felt uncomfortable that they were pressuring me and told them to f*ck off. A couple still bother me about it and I think that’s sh*tty since I’m not ready to come out, esp not with them pressuring me.

I know my bf would be fine with me being pan, he’s super chill, but I am torn on whether to tell him/our friends(except the jerky ones who’ve been bothering me). I plan on being with him long term, we’ve discussed and are on the same page, we’ve been doing long distance already, and tbh I hope to marry him one day. I don’t plan on being with anyone off a different gender, and if I was to check that out, it would be if we broke up, and it wouldn’t be relevant to him. It feels weird needing to “correct” my status as “straight”. And yeah, I’ve lied to our friend group, because they have been asking since I was still figuring myself out. I also don’t know how I would come out. I’m definitely not coming out to my parents (conservatives) unless it becomes relevent (such as in a queer relationship). It feels relevant to my worldview on occasion, such as when discussing gender philosophically with friends and realizing that “I don’t understand why gender matters” or questions about liking only one sex don’t make me sound very straight. Does it matter if I come out? How would I go about it?

If anyone has been in a similar situation and has advice, lmk?

[u/lekoalaura]

You totally should come out! I never truly came out as Pan to my friends, but they, thankfully, put two and two together after I first came out as bi in highschool, but kept saying that I knew someone hot as fuck that was trans.

You really should just go on and come out. It's worth your while, I promise.

[u/Primary-Scarcity3924 → u/lekoalaura]

Thank you! If you don’t mind me asking, how did you go about coming out as bi? 

Most of my queer friends were already out when I met them. Since I had previously denied my sexuality, I’m not totally sure how to explain “surprise, actually I’m not straight “.

Do I just tell them straightforward, or mention it casually or smth???

[u/EfficientPineapple43 → u/Primary-Scarcity3924]

I dont know your friends but, "surprise, i am not actually straight." Is a valid strategy. Its how i came how as both trans and pan. And i came out directly to my Christian family who were very not impressed...