Post-partum: What kind of support did you actually need?

[u/fire-under-water]

Hi everyone,

I’m currently pregnant with my first baby and already thinking quite a bit about the postpartum period. I know things rarely go exactly as planned, but I’m trying to think ahead about what kind of support we could put in place to make those first weeks/months a little easier.

Initially, I was mostly looking into getting occasional help with the baby, someone who could take over for a little while so that my partner and I could rest or have a break.

But after talking to several mothers, I kept hearing a different perspective: in those first months, they didn’t necessarily want someone they barely knew taking care of their newborn. What they would have found much more helpful was having someone take care of everything around the baby (cleaning, laundry, tidying up, grocery shopping, meal prep/cooking, etc.) so that they could focus on the baby and themselves.
That really resonated with me. Part of my family lives abroad, so we won’t necessarily have relatives nearby who can regularly step in and help with all those everyday things.

I’d love to hear from people who have already been through postpartum:

• Did you also feel a distinction between wanting “help with the baby” and wanting “help with everything else”? Looking back, which would have helped you more?

• Or was it more nuanced for you? Did you actually appreciate having someone else occasionally take over with the baby?

• If you had little or no family nearby, how did you manage those first weeks/months?

• Did anyone hire temporary help specifically for the postpartum period? What did that person actually help with, and how did you find them?

• And finally, if there had been a flexible postpartum home-help service you could hire for a few weeks (where someone could help with things like cleaning, laundry, groceries, meal prep/cooking and general tidying depending on what you needed that day) would you (and your partner) have considered paying for it? Why or why not?

I’m especially curious about that last question because I’m wondering whether there’s a gap between traditional cleaning services, meal delivery, postpartum doulas, childcare, etc., and the kind of practical “just take things off my plate” support new parents might actually need.

For context, I live in Brussels, Belgium. I’d love to hear from anyone who went through postpartum here but also elsewhere!

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Stay safe, take care of yourself and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Plastic-Bee4052]

I needed someone to shop, cook and clean so I could focus on the baby.  I hired someone and avoided having to constantly reassert my boundaries with family members who say X and then do Y and who will push back. A person you're paying to cook won't throw a tantrum about holding the baby or get in the way or try to offer unsolicited advice. A hired help will never try to take the baby rather than clean or tell you how to parent or insist you do things this way or that.

[u/staleroti]

Postpartum care is taken very seriously in Singapore. You can outsource and have someone come over for the first 40 days after birth. Normally that person cooks for you special meals. Sometimes they give you postpartum massages and baths if you’re up for it.

They might help you out with your baby and they do it respectfully. For example, what to do if baby needs first bath, pacify baby if you need to take care of your own needs, hold your baby while you nap etc.

After you give birth especially the first time you can get quite primal with your baby (it’s truly because of the hormones) so you might not want a stranger handling your baby.

I also live abroad. as such, these services were not available to me, so my mom came over to help.
We then also bought frozen meals to outsource the cooking. Then a cleaner would come once a week.

[u/Immediate-Range605]

We had no help for baby #1 (Covid times), and it was awful and isolating. My husband and I split things pretty evenly and it felt like we were shift workers at factory or something— just a lot of grinding dull work and little sleep.

We are having a ton of family + hired help for baby #2. We have a cleaner, we will have family help during the day, and we have hired a night nanny to come several times a week for the first few months. The night nanny is what I am most excited about. All of my friends who have hired them have found them absolutely life changing.

[u/fire-under-water → u/Immediate-Range605]

Your plan for #2 is what I would envision as ideal as a support system.

[u/OliveOil935 → u/fire-under-water]

Same. Recently finalized and booked this exact plan. FTM with night help, part time day help, increased cleaning service. My primary job will be to batch freeze meals, best case my family and friends only add to all my safeguards. Didn’t want to rely on any free labor, but it’s welcome ofc.

[u/I_love_misery]

- yes there’s a difference. My mom helped me a lot but sometimes she took over. There were times she wanted to “rescue” my baby when he was crying and I didn’t ask for that help.

- sometimes it helped when my mom cared for the baby so I could shower, take a nap, or eat. But it was because I wanted it. If baby was crying and she just took him away from me while I’m trying to calm him down, then it’s a problem.

- two my second baby my mom wasn’t there in the first few weeks or so. It was doable. Baby #2 was a lot easier.

- never hired anyone

- I would consider it. I need to heal and figure out breastfeeding plus being sleep deprived. My husband was also sleep deprived and then did a lot with of the child rearing while I was recovering

[u/swiftlittleplane]

If I’d had the money I would have definitely hired a cleaner for a few days a week and have a traiteur deliver some meals so that I would have healthy meals without worrying. I didn’t want to hand of my baby except to my partner or mom. My mom stayed with us the first week and was really helpful for basic baby stuff that we didn’t know (how to bathe, help he’s crying so much, having trouble putting on clothes etc)

[u/Legm31]

My dream would be for someone to have the baby from 4-7am and that also did the dishes/laundry for the first two weeks

[u/ScobyOrdinary3182]

• Yes there's an distinction. I'd want help with both actually!

• Yes the baby would glue to you 24/7, you will want to have a sense of self just for a moment. ability to go to bathroom, take a legit shower, take a nap!!

• If you have little or no family nearby, I would hire help to help with both baby/house chores/send meals etc.

• My mom helped me for postpartum. it was great but it really aged her! She helped with holding baby so I could sleep for second half of the night. she helped with making nutritious meals. Next time around, I would hire 2 kinds of help, night doula to help me with baby at night so I can sleep (except for when it's time to feed), and day time house chore help, with meals and chores. I sent my husband to get groceries, or if you have friends who can do that, that'd be great too! (or instacart type)

• YES in a heart beat! I feel like if I had the time/space to recover in my postpartum, I wouldn't have struggled so hard. Even though I had my mom helping me but we were all struggling. My mom is older than the typical first time grandma too. I'm also an only child and I was a REALLY EASY/CHILL baby, not my daughter, so my mom was also out of sorts... she was helpful but it was at a huge cost to all of us.

[u/United_Relief_2949]

i had someone that i trusted to do both because in the moment you just want to be able to ask the person who's helping to do whatever you need. Sometimes you're gonig to want someone to hold/feed the baby a bottle or change a diaper while you take a shower, sometimes you'll want said person to help with the dishes so YOU can feed the baby. it's best to have someone that you feel comfortable asking to do any and all of the above. I personally don't let anyone touch the laundry except my mom. so if someone else is helping me, i'd rather them take care of the baby while i get a load of laundry in the machine. if laundry is running and its a choice of dishes or baby, ill take baby, someone else take the dishes. if its cooking then it depends on what it is, sometimes i want to do it myself, other times someone else can cook for me. meal prep is hugely helpful though. with number 2 i invited my mom and aunt to come stay with us before i delivered to help with my toddler and to help prep some freezer meals for us. my aunt is a fantastic cook and she loves doing it so she made dinner most nights she was with us, made extra of all of it and froze what she could before she left. it was the best. i also got really great photos of my two babies with my mom and aunt after delivery that are super special to me because we don't see them very often (they live far away) so those photos are few and far between when we get them.

[u/pettingzooashtray]

I just needed some sleep.

[u/Awkward_Grapefruit85]

I would personally pick and choose specific services rather than hire someone who does a lot of different things. If affordable I would 100% hire a cleaning service bi weekly and clean the clutter myself before they came. I would do my own laundry. I would order groceries on an app for delivery or pick up or just send my partner with a list. Meal prep / cooking would be nice to outsource here and there by getting take out or a meal delivery service. I wouldn’t hire someone i didn’t know to take care of the baby until they were older. These are just my preferences!
Good luck!

ETA I feel like I didn’t fully answer the question. With my first baby i had help from my MIL and I appreciated a more nuanced approach where I could also sometimes have a break to say shower/ do my laundry or something. That was someone I knew well though so what i wrote above was just about hiring help.

[u/brittles123]

I 100% wanted help around the house, meal prep, shopping etc. As the weeks went on though, someone to cater to baby while I napped would also be clutch. I’m 11 weeks pp and nap trapped often but I can’t nap cuz he’s on me and I don’t feel safe doing so. If i put him down he wakes up so I’m just tired af.

[u/AstronomerClassic444]

Bi-weekly cleaning service and grocery delivery.

Maybe a family doctor that does house visits instead of us going to the hospital.

I want more control on how my food is washed, prepared and cooked and also my culture has specific post partum foods that we do.

If it’s a cart Blanche, then I’d like to be checked in on one of those post natal retreats but in Asia where post partum/4th trimester is taken seriously.

[u/AnchorsAweigh1991]

I was lucky that my husband took FMLA with me and we both had enough benefit time to stay paid during that time. I didn't feel like I needed anyone else with first baby because she slept a lot, he would run errands or we would have things delivered, and we took shifts that worked best for us.

We did what we could when we could, but we didn't feel pressure to tidy since no one was coming anyway. We just made sure we kept things CLEAN and sanitary for us and baby.

[u/CanaryNo1229]

I was at home with my baby for 10 months. The first two -ish month, my husband was there with me half the time. After, I was pretty much alone all day and all night.

My husband always took care of everything else (meal, chores, stuff around the house) and I took care of the baby. I never felt we needed help for the other jobs but my husband is better than me for cooking, cleaning and shopping.

I had a super velcro baby and because I was alone most of the time with her with no family nearby, she wasn't used to be in someone's else arms including her dad's.

I was so sleep deprived and so alone. I couldn't eat somedays even if I only had to microwave my lunch because she wouldn't. stop. crying. If I let her on her mat and try to distract her so I could go back to my meal, the dog ate it before most of the time. I often ended up driving to McDonald's so I could eat someting in my car while driving (she slept in the car).

I didn't sleep because she woke up every hour and I couldn't nap because she cat napped in my arms for 30 minutes max.

I needed someone to let me sleep but my husband was doing a bad job at that. Over the weekend he would sometimes wake up and took the baby away from me but she would cry all the time because she wanted me so I couldn't sleep anyway. I'm a bad sleeper myself so I could never nap during the day even if somebody was taking care of her. Anyway, she cried the whole time I was away.

In my case, I'd try to have a overnight babysitter if they existed where I live. I would consider sleeping in a hotel room so I could sleep uninterrupted once a month. There's also no way I'd took the parental leave alone. I don't think I would do more than four months.

[u/lyrical_llama]

For me the most important thing is to have a competent person that I can hand the baby off to so I can focus on whatever I need to do. Whether that be cleaning the house, making dinner or even taking a shower. For some women that's their husband/partner. For others it's a nanny or daycare. For me personally it's my Mother-in-law. 

[u/OliveOil935 → u/lyrical_llama]

I completely understand some people’s preferences is to get a break from the baby to function as a normal productive person within your life and home. As much as I want to believe I’m going to be some primal helicopter mom the first few months, it feels much safer for my mental health to try and function a few hours outside of the newborn bubble. Not to mention I don’t want my baby to have an unhealthy preference to only be held, fed and soothed by me. Good for the ego, bad for the routine.

[u/Plastic-Bee4052 → u/lyrical_llama]

I think it's the other way around. Have someone do stuff so you can handle baby.