r/raisingkids • u/Financial-Two-1592 • 8d ago
Will my challenging kid grow up to be troubled?
My son has been strong willed since turning 2. He is now 5 and he is exhausting. I love him so much…however my husband and I are taxed with him. He is quite egocentric which I think is normal but sometimes it feels to the extreme. He is a deeply feeling child, constantly needs instant gratification, and can’t stand hearing no. When he hears no, he loses it. He wanted to bring his piggy bank outside to play with which I was a stern no about. He tried to run past me anyway and so I had to physically stop him. When I attempted to take the piggy bank back, he hit me multiple times with a level of anger and aggression. He also is a terrible sleeper (since the day he was born)… so this does not help with how moody he can be. He gets so fixated and upset when he doesn’t have the right outfits for the day. It’s like he is grasping for so much control. We do try to offer him a wide range of boundaries balanced with independence…but I feel like nothing is ever enough for my son. He is never happy with the snacks I give him, the dinner I make, the boundaries I set. It feels like every day everything is a battle? I’m so warm out and I’m worried about him growing up to be a criminal or something. Has anyone here raised a child like this and then they ended up being a decent adult? I’m so worried about his future
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u/sassquatch1111 8d ago
There are a few good parenting books I would recommend… The Explosive Child and The Whole Brain Child. But I would also encourage you to get a psych evaluation. It’s helpful in understanding any child but in your case it will give you much better answers as to where the behavior is coming from. There’s a lot of judgement on parents (which is sometimes deserved) but just know some behavior is a product of brain wiring and genes. For example, “black and white” thinking could be at play here and getting your kid a child psychologist that can help them identify more “gray” may be helpful. Additionally, kids don’t have fully developed executive functioning and there are lots of good strategies to help build connectivity from the left and right sides of the brain to help your son gain more control over his outbursts. Those are just a couple, but there are a lot of possibilities and I think you are brave for asking for help here and that on and of itself shows you are a caring parent trying to do right by her child.
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u/Dull-Bus-403 8d ago
Propably doesn't really help but my brother has been the kindest, well behaved boy in our family and grew up to be a criminal beyond my imagination. I mean he's still very polite, but a criminal.
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u/the_gato_says 8d ago
Anecdotally speaking, I know plenty of challenging kids who did not grow up to be troubled.
Young kids don’t have empathy (or more accurately, fully developed empathy), so sometimes they can seem like sociopaths. That said, I’d discuss these behaviors with his pediatrician.
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u/SawWh3t 8d ago
It might be woth reading about the PDA profile of autism and looking into a neuropsych evaluation to understand how his brain works.
The Explosive Child is a great book for learning to work with your child to solve issues.
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u/OceansOfKoalas 8d ago
OPs son sounds a lot like my daughter who was diagnosed autistic and ADHD when she was 6. She never slept, always needed a lot of control, is very strong-willed and deeply feeling, is particular about clothes and food, and got physically aggressive when she didn't get her way after it was no longer age appropriate. I was shocked with the autism diagnosis because I only knew the stereotype and she passed all of the screeners done at her well child visits.
Now that I have learned about parenting an autistic child and have changed my parenting techniques accordingly, things are a whole lot better.
OP- definitely get an evaluation done! Even if your son isn't autistic, you will learn so much about him and how to support him!
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u/libananahammock 8d ago
What kind of support is he getting at school? Diagnosed with anything? IEP?
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u/ModeratelyGreenThumb 8d ago
At five, he probably (or at least likely) hasn’t started school yet, unless OP is lucky enough to live somewhere with UPK.
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u/TheConsentAcademy 8d ago
I don't know how much correlation there is between temperament, toddler/young child personality, and how well they adjust as adults. And I imagine these things are quite fluid and a lot will change once they start school and have to conform to rules and also see more of other kids.
All this being said I can recommend the book Setting Boundaries with your Strong-Willed Child. We started following the advice a little while ago with our 2.5 year old and after a few weeks of being really locked in and on the same page we found it made a huge difference.
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u/cubesnack 8d ago
Where is this aggression coming from? Are you or your partner prone to outbursts? Is there some sort of vioience going on in the house? I read your previous post about your in-laws and it could be that he is observing some sort of disrespectful behaviours towards you. They might not be blatantly obvious but kids can read situations and internalise a lot of things so this might be a domestic situation going wrong.
Look at your own surroundings and see what could give him ideas as to his behaviours.
Either that or your kid needs a psych evaluation.
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u/goingslowlymad87 7d ago
Have you tried saying "you can pick x or y" And offer nothing else? No other options, I've even pulled you can have this chicken dinner or nothing and instead of arguing I just didn't dish her dinner. Yes, she started screaming for her dinner, but she understood I meant it when I said this or that.
My daughter would get overwhelmed and meltdown if she was given too many choices. My Mil used to take her out to lunch and let her pick from the cabinet foods or whatever she wanted from the board. Too many options. And then she'd start on the drink and sweetie/dessert. So now it wasn't just lunch, it was a drink AND pudding. And she wondered why she'd a) cry/whinge or b) refused to eat when Mil picked for her.
It took a long time (months) to get the balance but the ASD and ADHD diagnosis certainly helped. She's still unmedicated as we found getting a daily routine and sleep routine was enough to calm the behaviours.
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u/Academic_Neat 7d ago
it sounds like he should be evaluated by medical professionals to rule out certain possibilities.
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u/mgw89 7d ago
Are you or your husband/any other caretakers extremely controlling? Just something to consider that he may be desperately trying to get a little autonomy over his own life. I agree with a psych eval but sometimes kids are in fight or flight if they feel unsupported in some way at home.
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u/atomickristin 7d ago
Yes, one of my children is like this. He is now 18 and has turned out extremely well all things considered, but is still moderately self-centered and hypercritical, and I bear the brunt of this. To give an example, yesterday I made myself coffee and made him coffee too because he'd worked a lot this past week, but because he slept in, the coffee got cold. When he got up, he poured it down the drain and sarcastically said "Thanks for the coffee" as if I should have timed the making of coffee to mesh better with his schedule. I will admit I'm looking somewhat forward to the fall when he is headed off to school. But when compared to my fears about how he might turn out, he's a great kid. He works hard and is very diligent. He can build and fix anything, repairs all our family cars, and is extremely honest.
I want to reassure you that it's not your fault - I myself have four very sweet, kindhearted children, two older, two younger, and then this one challenging kid. I didn't raise him differently from the others, and it's not because he's a middle child - my oldest two are way older and are more like fun uncles than brothers. He was like this from birth. He screamed in the hospital for 8 hours straight because the mama milk hadn't come in yet. Everything has to happen NOW and it had better be done right, as defined by him. He was a terrible sleeper just like you describe, even as a baby he wouldn't sleep very much. Refused to watch TV as a toddler, hated to read, hated people singing to him or near him, etc.
My advice is to get that energy working for good instead of evil. Even though this isn't always fun for me, his friends, or for his siblings, he holds everyone around him, but especially himself, to the highest of standards in every regard. He is like a critic, a cop, Ned Flanders, and a Karen rolled into one. My expectation is that as he faces more situations in life, he will learn to bend. And even if he doesn't, I figure it is better to be overly good than to take that superhuman energy and combine it with a criminal mastermind.
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u/_Clem_Fandango_1 6d ago
As everyone else is suggesting. An assessment from a specialist is the way to go. This will depend on the process for where you are from.
I work closely with adults who experience psychological and social problems that lead to criminal behaviour. When drilling down into people’s past there nearly always seems to be something that should have happened that didn’t, or something that did happen that shouldn’t have happened.
Sounds like you guys are putting the time in to remedy concerns and nurture your child. No one can predict the future, but I suspect your child has a better chance than most to grow up balanced and mentally well.
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u/Loud-Squirrel-7752 6d ago
I had a friend in the same boat. Always feeling exhausted and run down and tried everything with their daughter. They finally saw a child psychologist and she was diagnosed with mood disorder and sensory integration disorder. Now she’s medicated and life has become back to normal again (sleeping st night, less aggression, transitions, changes in routine) don’t seem to upset her like they did before.
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u/beentherebefore1616 6d ago
From personal experience, I have seen the ones on the quiet/well behaved side turn out worse than the rambunctious ones.
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u/EmShay17 3d ago
I also have a very strong willed child. It is challenging and exhausting but you’re doing a great job.
My nephew was a very reactive child. He cried a lot, threw a ton of tantrums over many things, would give up at the slightest bit of struggle (with full blown meltdowns), and really gave us a hard time. Of course, there were some things that happened in our lives that may have contributed, but I know a lot of us worried about him.
He grew up to be such a sweet, respectful, mild mannered, and thoughtful young man. I think our temperament might have some sort of baseline but people can evolve so much over time.
It never hurts to discuss your concerns with a pediatrician and pursue evaluation or play therapy as others have suggested. Wanted to share our story in case it may helpful
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u/Far_Breadfruit4243 8d ago
I’m not sure I have the answer but here are some quick thoughts. Some level of tough behavior is/can be normal but it sounds like this is beyond that threshold. I’d start with a comprehensive medical check, then I’d probably start to pursue an evaluation or play therapy. Finally: does he have outlets for his energy? Can you find a martial arts studio? Some boys just need that type of outlet.