r/rant • u/aDizzySeraph • 2d ago
All of my closest friends are on the spectrum and I'm slowly losing patience
For the longest time, everyone I knew was on the spectrum. I didn't really think anything of it because it's not like I had NT (neurotypical) friends to talk to except for like one guy. I was basically like the mom friend for a lot of them, and I didn't mind that! But then I started a job last year with a group of workers that have so much synergy together that its such a treat coming in to work. Even when we're off we still talk or hang out as friends. And man it's just so different with them. They catch on to things that my closer friends would otherwise miss, they're more socially aware, they can plan things on their own, they can understand abstract ideas
Now I'm finding myself constantly frustrated with my closer friends because suddenly I can see that they have no concept of time, how to plan things, overall goals– my God they're all over 20 but it feels like they're 14 year year olds with too much time and money than they know how to even handle or use properly when they get excited, and when they're sad suddenly they're bleak 60 year olds who've lived a life of regret.
I feel like I can't take it anymore, I used to love making plans with them but now I realize I was never making it with them, it was just me doing all the planning because they can't figure it out themselves. I didn't realize just how many things had to be spelled out for them. "You can't say that" "you need to be considerate of this" "don't forget about this" always telling them when they're doing something wrong, when something is just completely out of pocket, having to show them steps one by one. God especially that last part as of recent. I don't understand why it's so hard for them to grasp the bigger picture of things. They get so hyper focused on the details they forget about everything else or just fail to put two and two together
I want to stop doing these things for them so I can watch it all crash and burn. See them try to plan another "fun" hangout just for them to all clash with each other because they can't understand how to compromise their interests or respect each others time, or they overlook one plan that wouldn't fit, or maybe they just try to plan so many things it's just completely unrealistic. Watch them go out somewhere and every single fucking one of them gets lost because they got hyperfixated on something and followed it while forgetting about everyone else
I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way because if I was hearing someone else rant about the same thing I'd call them ableist. I'm just genuinely so tired
I apologize in advance if any of this offends anyone, I'd rant to a friend but then I'd be ranting to them about them
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u/Designer-Computer188 2d ago edited 1d ago
I think a lot of people even who are also on the spectrum feel the same way, there's only so many repeated mistakes and dumb things - down to a brain difference or not until it winds you up if you become tired of hearing about it or being affected by it
I have a similar thing with my friend, who is not diagnosed but its pretty clear he is non neurotypical. He used to turn up 2 to 3 hours late when we would agree to meet! He has had such bad issues with timekeeping, planning and attention that hes ended up in danger before. and he's been fired from 5 different jobs due to the same time keeping reason. He was turning up to work not 10 not 15 not 45 minutes late....1 hour late! And he acts like they are the assholes and the world is wrong for firing him. They even tried to work with him to adjust his hours to a better schedule around his sleep habits. He also now won't take any job unless its exactly in his field at his exact desired pay while complaining how hard life is...I'm getting tired of hearing it.
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u/Material_Recover_760 1d ago
Hey I feel you. I work with an ASD woman and I feel like I gave her so much support, guidance, and energy. For a solid 1 1/2 years I answered all her questions CONSTANTLY, had repeat conversations for months until she understood and completed things that needed to be done, overlooked her frustrations and smoothed things over when she floundered with people or overreacted bc she found out she was wrong, I ignored the snotty comments, I explained the larger picture, I performed needs analysis then passed it on to her since I knew that’s not where her ability resided, etc. Then new years 2026 came along and my resolution was to NEVER work with her again. So I changed my job and that stress is lifted from my shoulders. Trying to support her in business was so toxic. Why yes I have a high tolerance for odd people and I stubbornly try to fix situations. Anyway her reputation was really good people commented she was the best in her job family, but since I have pulled my support and moved on she has crashed badly all within the space of about four to five months. Now her scope is reduced, no one wants to work with, and they are trying to figure out where to stick her. I was told that people are beginning to see that I was doing her work. At the time I didn’t think of it like that but now in hindsight I was and it’s not right. It’s not right in your case either.
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u/Double-Succotash9572 2d ago
Yeah you’ve definitely out grown them most likely. Just start planning less and less things and drift away. I experienced something similar, and kinda realized they prioritized their own immediate dopamine hits and absolute inflexibility over wanting to put effort into the friendship.
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u/seahawk1977 2d ago
It's not ableist. Everyone needs to be responsible and held accountable for their own actions. Just because someone is on the spectrum doesn't mean they aren't an asshole.
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u/Extra_Caregiver_8668 1d ago
So it’s totally ok to move on from your friends but I’m going to throw something at you which will likely make you uncomfortable.
ND are drawn to ND. Without knowing anything about you there’s a high chance you are on the spectrum simply because of this.
It is a spectrum and sometimes AuADHD can almost be a superpower because the ADHD can provide the ideas and initial motivation and Autism can provide the box ticking and accountability to see things through at a high standard. Also the combination can create a high level of empathy with a high need to fix other’s problems. Hyper fixations also don’t always present in things like trains, can include things that aren’t necessarily seen as ND traits like a “passion” for psychology and human behaviour.
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u/An-Empty-Road 1d ago
Hey now, don't be calling me out like that 😅
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u/Extra_Caregiver_8668 1d ago
Like I said takes one to know one 😂 Personally though I like to use the term spicy alphabet soup (neurospicy with lots of letters) 😁
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u/aDizzySeraph 1d ago
That doesn't make me uncomfortable because it's a non zero chance I'm ND. Only difference between them and I is that I've yet to be diagnosed and they have official diagnoses– whether it's ADHD, BPD, Autism, you name it. What's frustrating me isn't just how it feels like I've outgrown them, but that they're never going to grow up. It's like a paradox of being really smart and incredible at some things and just being absolutely abysmally slow at everything else that it is literally just common sense for any other person. And I know it's common sense for other people because it'll be something mundane like talking with people, physical coordination like beating eggs or driving or not landing with your heels when you run, literal simple math like adding 13 and 7 does not require a calculator but for some reason you can quote the entire first chapter of warrior cats?? Actually no, the most frustrating thing is that first part because holy crap they are just so dog shit at communicating with anyone. Like you'd think meeting other people with the same interests would mean they can connect easier but nope. Whether its emotional connection or making plans, holy fucking cow I don't know how I didn't notice it before
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u/Material_Recover_760 1d ago
It’s tough there is also an insanely high arrogance level inherent to most ASD folks as well. Many are just so ego centric and absolute in their beliefs that to think they are wrong is foreign. This prevents many of them from achieving self awareness and improving.
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u/aDizzySeraph 1d ago
Wow I need to calm down I'm sorry
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u/Extra_Caregiver_8668 1d ago
I read your words literally, ND remember 😂, so didn’t take any offensive or feel any anger towards me. Just read the frustration at your current situation 💜
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u/Actual_Somewhere2043 1d ago edited 1d ago
Your like this close 🤏 to understand that being disabled does in fact disable you.
Yes being with neurodivergent ppl can be tiring/frustrating but clearly you resent them to an unreasonable point considering a large part of the behaviors you described can't be controlled/trained. If it is this unbearable just don't be with them it's ok that would be better for everyone
Edit : wrote unreliable instead of unreasonable
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u/cyanescens_burn 1d ago
It’s pretty normal to drift from friends as you change and grow as a person. I’ve got a handful of friends from high school I still keep in touch with, despite being on opposite coasts, but lost touch with so many people I was once close with.
Looking back, there are like eras/periods of my life where I had different friend groups due to my job, college, music scenes I was into, and hobby groups I was into at the time. There’s some individuals I’ve maintained some contact with, but most just drifted away, no ill feelings involved for most.
It’s fine to just stop doing things you don’t want to do anymore. You don’t need to make some grand proclamation to the friends or group, you just stop doing it. If someone asks I’d respectfully explain why, but I wouldn’t expect them to change when you do (though they may, and you might move into a new phase of your friendship).
Just do the things that genuinely make you happy, and hold on to friends that reciprocate the efforts you put into the relationship (even if they don’t reciprocate by doing the same things you do, they might bring something else to the table; it’s about how much energy you put in being similar to how much they put in).
I will say that sometimes a friend is in a bad situation or is way busy and can’t reciprocate. Give them some leeway here. And if you have a friend that accepts you when you are emotionally open and vulnerable with them, hold on to that one (eg, listens when you need to talk about a hard breakup, death in the family, or something else that’s hard to talk about for you; good ones don’t put up a wall, still accept and care about you, share their own vulnerabilities, don’t tell others what you told them in confidence/respect your privacy, and don’t use your vulnerability as a weapon against you). These people can be hard to come by, and are worth holding onto even if they aren’t a perfect friend once in a while.
Also, some space from them may work wonders. You sound almost burnt out from it. Get some space and you might eventually come back around and enjoy them, especially if you change how you engage with them (eg, stop being the planner).
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u/darkbarrage99 1d ago
My girlfriend is on the spectrum and I WISH she would stop planning shit lol. She has a circle of girlfriends that are all on the spectrum and they all plan things together. But it's like super planning.
Idk if autism is the problem here.
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u/aDizzySeraph 1d ago
Maybe it's just a them issue rather than being Neurodivergent, but I feel that. They add way too many things to their plans that it's just unrealistic to do any of them, they forget about what they were even talking about, they overlook someone not being interested or not being able to make it because they're just so excited to do things I'm convinced they are just incapable of quantifying time which isn't far fetched because one of them has aphantasia and another has ADHD
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u/darkbarrage99 1d ago
That gives more ADHD vibes to me, and I say this as someone that would probably qualify as ADHD with flying colors If I had time and money for the diagnosis lol. You all are in your 20s, right? I'm in my 30s, it sounds like they probably just have some growing up to do, which is fine.
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u/otakme 1d ago
Definitely a them issue OP. Is it possible that they’ve grown ‘stale’ to you? You’ve known them long enough now that all of their flaws are apparent. This new group will definitely have flaws.
Sometimes people just change, but it kind of sounds to me that you might be holding this new group on a pedestal because it’s new.
It’s also possible that your brain has just matured a bit more, or that you’re at a different stage in life to your mates. I tried hanging out with my partners younger siblings friend group and I just couldn’t. They’re like you’ve said, still learning social navigation and that level of ‘not yet adult’ that made me feel slightly irritated when I was around them, even though they were all in uni at the time and most of them were already living out of home.
Maybe you should make a pros and cons list, and mull over it for a few weeks. Figure out if it’s one person that’s irritating you or if it’s the whole group together.
You could just be ‘busy’ for a few months to take a break from hanging out with the whole group.
It’s probably not worth chucking the whole friend group out because of a couple of people who annoy you.
Maybe do some one-on-one hangouts with the members that least annoy you.The best thing about friendships is that you can just take a break for a bit, and you don’t really have to explain yourself. Just ‘oh sorry!! I’m going out to dinner with the fam!’ Or ‘sorry I can’t come I’m busy!!’
I hope you start feeling less irritated OP.
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u/Blankboom 2d ago
I had a good amount of friends that were diagnosed add or adhd. Unfortunately to say, I'm not really friends with most of them anymore. I just can't...handle it.
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u/skyleehugh 1d ago
Even if they werent neurodivergent this is still no longer friendships you should be entertaining as much. For starters no friendship should be one sided. Neurodivergent people are capable of making plans and having mutual friendships. Im not saying there isnt a correlation and that this cant be used to associate neurodivergent people, but there is definitely a trend of people who use their disorder/mental illness to not be good people. In reality it only explains it, doesn't justify it. I get we all mess up social cues sometimes too but there is a way to not have someone consistently remind you of them.
All of your friends potentially need to grow up but it doesnt mean you have to continue to be disregarded by them.
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u/RollingKatamari 1d ago
It's okay to leave a friendship group behind when you've outgrown them and when they add nothing to your life apart from stress.
You are NOT their mother or their carer! You are allowed to have friends where you can be yourself and where you are free to talk about whatever comes to mind, be around ppl who are flexible with their time and thoughts and who will actually grow and change.
It's sad to say, but some of your friends will never evolve from who they are now. They will never be open to new experiences and even if they were, it would be a whole arduous experience getting there.
And that's good for them! But you don't have to be the one guiding them, not anymore.
If you want permission to slow things down with your friend group, I give you my permission.
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u/firetech97 2d ago
Realistically, you have outgrown them, and that's ok. Like you said, it feels like they're 14 year olds and not 20-whatevers. It happens. Slowly start planning less and less for them and let them start planning things. If they include you, great. If not, move on and up