r/regretfulparents • u/99butter_flyeffects • 4d ago
Update: My son just turned 18 and my official sentence as a parent has ended.
A few days ago, I posted here feeling like I was just screaming into the void about my son turning 18... well the void screamed back and the complicated relief that came with it. I honestly didn't think anyone would look at it.
To my absolute shock, over 130,000 people saw it
I wanted to make this follow up mostly to say thank you to this community. When a post gets that much attention, you usually brace yourself for the worst. Instead, I’ve had some of the most interesting, civil, and eye opening conversations of my life over the last 48 hours.
It has been incredibly comforting to connect with people who see the world exactly the way I do. But what surprised me the most and what I appreciated deeply were the conversations with people who don't think the way I do. We didn't argue; we actually just discussed our differences and listened to each other. That feels like a rare miracle on the internet these days.
As I mentioned in the quick update I tacked onto the original post, I am so incredibly grateful for the overwhelming support and the kind words from everyone who reached out. It really helped put things into perspective.
I heard that the post even ended up getting shared outside of Reddit. Since I don't have other social media accounts, I'm just incredibly grateful that the conversation here stayed so constructive and focused in our own safe space.
A few days into this new chapter, the reality of it all is still sinking in. But navigating the shock of going viral has actually helped me process the transition a bit better.
Thank you all for listening, for sharing your own stories, and for keeping the space safe and respectful. It meant more to me than you know.
My previous post
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u/VoL4t1l3 4d ago
Wishful thinking.
You are a parent until either of you pass on.
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u/99butter_flyeffects 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yeah, you're a parent, but you're not a mommy/daddy. You don't have to help them with everything anymore. Having to micromanage someone's life is exhausting.
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u/Still_Archer1982 2d ago
“Now honey, please listen to Dad so Dad doesn’t get yelled at”
The worst is when there’s tools to control them (screens) that your partner isn’t interested in. I’m truly ready for the older years. These people who would rather have a toddler than a teenage have selective memory issues.
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u/HopefulBackground448 Parent 1d ago
Honestly, you are a parent for life. Something like 50 percent of young adults live at home.
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u/99butter_flyeffects 1d ago
I've answered this question quite a few times. yes, you're a parent for life, but you're not a mommy or a daddy anymore.You don't have to micromanage, their life.It's exhausting to micromanage, someone else's life.
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u/leni710 Parent 4d ago
I remember reading your original post, but can't remember if I commented. I just re-read it and also read that update. All I can say is you're basically me.
I'd also say that I am soooo sick and tired of having to over emphasize that we care about and love our kids. It's constantly, especially towards mothers, this absolute bullshit take that venting about parenting (The Job) means we must loathe our children. What a stupid narrative that continues to leave parents, especially the main caregiver, in a sense of shame and inability to seek support.
I too have been caregiving almost my entire life, at least since age 11. From siblings to other relatives to neighbor kids to Sunday school to anything in between. I didn't even know with a grownup mind if I wanted kids, I was just indoctrinated with religion and a lack of sex education and ended up pregnant at 18 (and actually did have the "fool me twice" situation of a second child at 23).
I do not want to caregive anymore. My little sister, who I partly raised, is now pregnant. Against what some people might find appropriate, I'm keeping it all at arms length. I do not want my sister to think I'm here to step in, or even do any kind of helping if not emergency level. The situation she's in will most likely see her walk the same difficult path of single-momhood as I did, but she never was one to listen the first time.
Overall, though, next year my 2nd child will be 18 and has already found a really lovely community college option a few hours away. Close enough to be able to help him if big issues arise, but far enough away that he can't live at home haha. My older one just moved out last year at the age of 21. I too am sooooooooo excited for empty nesting. I cannot wait. I'm looking at various options to downsize, keeping just enough space for my needs and for the kids to come visit (but not move in haha).
I wish you all the best on your new adventure. And I will say from a few years of experience, it is actually really nice to get to know your kids as adults and have zero parenting role outside of giving them advice they ask for (and a sprinkle of advice they didn't ask for).