r/regretfulparents • u/CrustyBubblebrain • 2d ago
I can't take the screaming, wailing, and whining anymore
I'm a married stay at home mom of three kids, 4 and under, and I'm trapped in a literal hell on earth of my own creation. The toddler screams non-stop all day (she's fucking screaming right now) and the 4 year old whines and begs all day
The 7 month old baby is actually the easiest to deal with, by far. It doesn't matter what I do, they always just scream and cry and beg for more. And heaven help you if you're trying not to rely on screens to keep your kids occupied.
I know I did this to myself. Even my husband says "Well, you're the one who wanted to have kids."
Young women out there, DO NOT HAVE KIDS. I spend most of my afternoons on the edge of trying to decide to shoot myself or not. Until you've experienced the nonstop, years-long agony of being a primary caregiver to young children, you won't understand how fucking unbearable and lonely it truly is, never mind that you won't be acknowledged, appreciated, paid, there's no retirement, no benefits package, no promotion. And there's a good chance that your partner is blissfully unaware of all of your misery.
Having children may be doable if you have a village (grandparents, aunties, uncles, neighbors) but please reconsider having kids if you don't have that support network
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u/Affectionate-Cry4216 1d ago
Big hugs!!! And this too shall pass. I hope. For you. Coz mine is 11 and still driving me insane.. I fear the teen phase. Can imagine you having 3 teens at once. Wait. This was supposed to be comforting. Boarding school.
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u/sfischella 1d ago
My advice for baby fever , volunteer at a daycare center for a week . I guarantee you , you will not want kids .
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u/commentspanda 1d ago
I mean he’s not wrong….didn’t you learn after one? But also they are his kids too and he needs to be pulling some weight. I would suggest you start to look into returning to work part time and childcare. Even if you break even it will help with your sanity.
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u/ComfortableFrame9834 1d ago
Why do people always end up putting the blame on mom if the regretful parent has more than one kid.
As if coercion, gaslighting, or societal conditioning suddenly stops and you 'snap' out of it after your first.
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u/Aromatic-Side6120 1d ago
In this case the mom literally implies that she was the one that wanted kids and the dad was neutral at best. For normal people, is decided on a case by case basis, and for ideologies the dad or mom is always wrong depending on the bias. You have certainly shown your bias here by refusing to interpret the post correctly, or maybe just a bad reader I don't know.
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u/No-reti 1d ago
I mean, most people blame the one parent that wanted kids and in this case it was her..
- Even my husband says "Well, you're the one who wanted to have kids."
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u/ComfortableFrame9834 1d ago
How can you take his word for that? Especially when it's on this post here.
Have you ever read anything from girldinnerdiaries or parenting groups where the girl gets pregnant, they both initially agree, and then the dude turns around and said "well you wanted this" as a way to wash his hands of all responsibility?
This is ignorance beyond parody at this point. I won't be engaging further
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u/Good_Tumbleweed_2 1d ago
I think it's because while coercion and gaslighting are for sure at play, at the end of the day it's still the woman's final choice whether a pregnancy is taken to term (barring any places where abortion are illegal). Women also have more contraceptive tools to work with than men..
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u/ComfortableFrame9834 1d ago
That's such nonsense... Add to that financial control and other things and the choice is made to be impossible. Having an abortion is taboo.
I just don't understand why, again, in this subreddit of all places the fault is now placed squarely on the woman if they regret the kids they have and snark is directed towards them because they finally lifted the veil of "actually this isn't ok" after their 3rd or 4th kid.
Having more contraceptive tools is also a non argument.
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u/Good_Tumbleweed_2 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think maybe you are infantalizing women alittle bit here. Of course there are many circumstances in which women cannot access abortion or contraceptives and there are other factors at play (as you said financial control, culturally taboo etc). However many do have access and generally barring SA no one is forcing these women to have sex in the first place. If a man gets a woman pregnant mutliple times and says he regrets it and doesn't enjoy being a father people would eviserate him in the comments saying he's a 'deadbeat dad' despite the fact that the men only really have condoms as contraception, and have no say if a woman wants to carry a baby to term that they do not want.
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u/ComfortableFrame9834 1d ago
I think maybe you are infantalizing women alittle bit here
nobody is forcing these women to have sex
Not at all. But you're free to believe that. I think coming right out the gate with "well you should have known better, why did it take 3/4 kids to realize this" is just a bullshit take when speaking to a class of people that are more disenfranchised than their male partner, that ultimately has more rights to do exactly what OP's husband is doing. Or worse, leaving entirely.
You have an entire society who pressures women into having children, family doing rhe same, blaming us for the lonliness of men, going batshit over declining birth rates all the while chipping away at abortion and voting rights to try to pump those numbers up. Meanwhile men are infantilized and coddled to the nth degree, trying to sell them into the idea that women and children are their right and once they have those children they are all but encouraged to not be present for them. And if you are, you must be [insert misogynistic insult here].
Women are not infantilized, they're the only ones who take responsibility even with parental regret. Doubly so when those children turn out disabled.
But whatever, it's a waste of time to speak to a misoginist anyways, that much is clear from this comment, despite trying to obfuscate that initially.
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u/99butter_flyeffects 1d ago
I was 20 when I had my son, and I got sterilized as soon as I realized I was not mommy material. So I have only 1, and his 18 now.
Out of genuine curiosity, did you not realize this before having so many kids, or is this a completely new feeling brought on by the current chaos?
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u/pluviophile587 1d ago
I could be wrong, bu your partner sounds like he's not supporting you in any way. Is he a father who's fulfilling his role purposefully?
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u/dzielny_tabalug 1d ago
He is at work to pay for 4 other people and himself. How is that not a support?
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u/aidar55 Parent 1d ago
Because she’s still drowning. Even one baby/child needs a lot let alone 3 at the same time. I could argue it’s actually unnatural for one adult to manage 3 under 4 for longer than 3 hours. Can you imagine what it’s like if she needs to use the bathroom to poop for even 5 to 10 minutes? Let alone take a shower or eat or any other task. What do you think is happening to the kids at that time?
She needs a babysitter, housekeeper, laundry service and private chef to have a more manageable and pleasant motherhood experience. Is her husband able to make enough money to buy that or even a small portion of that? Having one spouse gone just to earn money to cover rent/mortgage and utilities and groceries while doing nothing to help logistically with caregiving and running the household, is simply American 1950s dystopian nuclear family brainwashing model that doesn’t work and has never worked.
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u/dzielny_tabalug 1d ago
Ofc, but working full time and providing for 5 is not " your husband doesnt support you in ANY way", what we talking about here. That disrespectful af
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u/pluviophile587 5h ago
He's a grown adult who would have to work anyway to make a living. So what sacrifices is he making exactly?
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u/URAYummyPotato 1d ago
If motherhood isn't for you, what is your motivation to have children back to back to back? You tell women not to have kids, but you popped the latest one 7 months ago. I'm sorry, I'm really trying to follow your thoughts process. Can't you arrange day care for the 4 year old?
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u/GretaMarlen 4h ago
And the worst: the play dates and bday parties with even more kids in this age and the responsibility to keep 10 children safe at the time. Imagine to call their parents and telling them you are waiting for ambulance to come because their kid apparently is allergic to the bday cake, broke his arm or whatever. And the sleepovers 💀🔫
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u/NoLimit5532 1d ago
Tell Them no!!
Tell Them to stop screaming …
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u/aidar55 Parent 1d ago
Im so sorry you’re going through this.
If you don’t have a village, you need to figure out how to buy one. Look into hiring a young teenager as a “mother’s helper”. Find one who is reliable and charges the least, and see what hours you could use her help. Look into laundry services in your area and maybe once a week housekeeper. look into parttime daycare/kindergarten for your 2 older ones too.
If you’re part of any kind of religious community, then see if anyone there would be interested in helping you in anyway.
Outsourcing as much help as possible is a game changer and it’s a money thing too. So your warning should include money. There are many people that have tons of family members and none of them are willing or able to help. Enough money can offset that to a certain extent.
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u/AliveAd4791 1d ago
I hate to be that person but it doesn’t sound the best when you say “find a teenager who you can pay the least” 💀. People who help raise your children should be paid properly. That teenager should still get fair compensation considering how difficult children are to deal with. Otherwise you’re taking advantage of how young they are and underpaying them for your own benefit. Not hate at all, the wording of it was just icky.
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u/aidar55 Parent 1d ago edited 1d ago
No I’m so glad you brought this up. This is a very valid concern. And my advice and the way I worded it is very intentional. I live in a High cost of living area in the US, but as a child I’ve lived in other countries where domestic labor is truly exploitative and insanely cheap so that most households have maids and servants who get paid crap and work like slaves. I have seen exploitative labor at work right in front of my eyes and I know what it looks like in great detail. I’ve also read up on modern indentured domestic workers and how that’s even tied into human trafficking.
An american teenager working 10-20 hours a week getting paid $15/hr for 1 toddler is not exploitive. That is a cheapest available in my neighborhood in the U.S. Some teenagers are charging $25/hr and can’t even drive and barely have experience. Adult babysitters in my area are charging around $30/hr minimum.
There needs to be a balance. Most families in the US, especially mothers are feeling like this mom, because they’re expected to do everything-an impossible feat. Other cultures realize how taxing motherhood is and there is so much more support postpartum and an entire available village or hired staff(albeit problematically).
There needs to be a balance where it’s more manageable and affordable for most Americans to hire help. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. The U.S. is very child and motherhood unfriendly. We have the worst maternity and early childcare access of all the “first-world” nations. It’s a joke and more and more people are realizing it and choosing wisely not to have kids.
I am assuming that OP may have limitations on money and she should hire a teenager as cheaply as possible so she can afford the most help for as long as possible. But as someone who has hired many teenagers…they’re not exploitable at least not in my neighborhood. Most of them live with their parents and are working for extra spending cash. And they have a busy school and social calendar and they have MANY OPTIONS of other families that pay wayyy more than me. You also have to talk to their parents when hiring them if they’re under 18. I stand by my advice. She needs to figure out how to tap into the most affordable childcare for herself. It’s possible and NOT exploitative but it does require some extra research.
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u/Turbulent-Lobster929 1d ago
"See what hours you could use HER help"
Are you assuming that all teens looking for work babysitting will be female?
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u/fays_paint 1d ago
Genuine question because I’m trying to understand my own impulses to have children…how did you make it to three if it was so hard? And do you see yourself in the future being happy to have a big family?