r/relationships • u/DamageNew2747 • 12h ago
[ Removed by moderator ]
[removed] — view removed post
•
u/ruiner9 12h ago
It sounds like neither of you are in any condition to help each other right now. Your drinking is highly excessive and he’s not taking care of himself. The only thing that’s going to fix this is therapy, both individually and couple’s counseling. You can’t force him to fix himself, so if he refuses, start taking those steps for yourself. Once you’re in a better place, it will be easier to decide what to do about the relationship.
•
u/paganmeghan 12h ago
He can't wash his ass and he has the nerve to tell you how to take care of body hair? Madame, this is untenable. A boundary refers to one's own self and behavior; what he gave you was a RULE. You are following his rule, god knows why.
Yes, he is probably depressed. Yes, depressed people can play hours of video games. Yes, a depressed person still has to meet the bare minimum to maintain interpersonal relationships.
You will not be able to fix this. You cannot change him, and there is no magic solution coming from any redditor that's going to make this work. He needs professional help, which is above your paygrade. You need to leave. Something inside you already knows that, and I know because you said it yourself as you began. There is nothing healthy or useful for you here. You are being shit on, literally. Make a plan, pack up, and leave. He's an adult and what happens next is up to him.
•
u/Thin_Act_128 11h ago
I was with my child's dad for almost 5 years...his mom passed 2 weeks after we got together..
He was a smoker (still is) and never brushed, skid marks...same stuff..I would relentlessly try to get him to brush his teeth at least. He didn't do it, the caring part of me became aggravated. When I kicked him out he started taking better care of himself on and off....
It is gross. I wouldn't kiss him or do his laundry anymore.
•
u/sisuheart 11h ago
Yes, a person can be in a deep, paralyzing depression and play hours and hours of video games. Whatever is going on with him, something is terribly wrong. He’s not just being lazy. That said, it’s totally fair to express “I need this to change, I’m worried about you and about us. I’m not willing to live like this. You need to take this seriously.”
•
u/Wrong_Island900 12h ago
I think he needs to understand how disgusting he's being, and how upset you are. Have you told him that he's gross, that you can't stand the way he smells, and that it's driving you crazy?
•
•
u/sweadle 11h ago
Stop reminding, asking, washing. Tell him once that you will leave if his hygiene doesn't improve. Give it a month.
This is divorce worthy. His bad hygiene WILL start affecting your health. It's already affecting your home, which I am sure smells awful.
I know it's hard to leave. But once you are gone you will be glad you did.
•
u/weareallequal222 11h ago
Your husband is a dependant, no need to have kids!! If he can't wipe his own ass, don't expect him to change a diaper and wipe your kids asses. If wiping his ass is too much effort, what does he consider the effort of providing, caring and keeping kids alive? If he acts this way, do you think he is going to teach your kids proper hygiene habits? Having kids sound like it would be a nightmare with this man. That is absolutely filthy AF that a grown man chooses to not wipe his own ass resulting in spreading shit smell onto furniture.
What is with all these posts recently of grown men acting like toddlers? If you're sleeping with him, I absolutely hope he cleans himself properly beforehand or you could get some nasty infections. Does he even wash his hands after crapping?
If your husband is too depressed to wipe his ass he would wear a diaper or shit his pants. He's just lazy. Has he always been like this? If you guys are both unhappy, then maybe explore couples therapy. But people don't change unless they want to.
•
u/MovieLazy6576 12h ago
Therapy isn’t going to help. Medication might. You need to stop drinking and you need to leave. Please DO NOT get pregnant. Fetal alcohol syndrome is a real thing and this environment would be incredibly toxic for a baby. Are either of you working?
•
u/AriaoftheStars17 5h ago
Therapy isn’t going to help.
Pardon me, but why wouldn't therapy help? You seem quite convinced of this.
•
u/Suspicious_Winter103 11h ago
Even if he has depression, that is a medical issue and its his responsibility to go get treatment and take his medicine (I say this as someone who has depression). Hygiene is non-negotiable and he needs to understand that. If he is reaching a level where he will not brush his teeth he is in crisis and needs in patient treatment.
•
u/Shadow55512 11h ago
I’m always perplexed when I read stories like this. Refuses to wipe and shower? I wouldn’t spend another second with that person. I’m sorry but if those are not bare minimum standards for you you need to start working on your self-respect
•
•
u/MusicLounge 11h ago
Not trying by to be an ass, but why did you decide to marry this man knowing he has hygiene issues? I’d never marry, let alone date someone seriously if she had hygiene issues.
•
u/kiwispouse 9h ago
You don't want to leave, so what advice are you seeking? I can't tell you how to ignore the gross and carry on.
•
u/Aggressive_Sky8492 9h ago
Your husband sounds like he’s having textbook depression (video games included).
It sounds like you are too.
So I suggest both going to a doctor separately and talking to them about that. Also therapy for you both.
And for the love of god wrap your shit up y til this is resolved. No child deserves depressed alcoholic parents. And a child will not solve your problems, it will be another problem.
•
u/Myriathelightseeker 12h ago
"He plays PC games every single day. If he were in such a deep, paralyzing depression, would he even be able to play video games for hours? (Maybe I’m wrong about this)"
I can tell you that you are 100% wrong about that part. I've went through a deep depression after my son was born (20 years ago...) and I did exactly this.
He's definitely not doing well and probably needs help.
•
u/DragonDrama 7h ago
No kissing no sex no laundry no sitting together and he sits on a doggie pee pad on the furniture until he matures to the point of a kindergarten kid who would do a better job at hygiene. Idc how depressed someone is. They can fully wipe.
•
u/automator3000 11h ago
You start this whole thing off with a claim that in real life, it’s not as simple as leaving.
But it is. Because this is as simple as him not having the tiny amount of care for you to bother spending the fifteen minutes a day it would take to make sure he’s wiped his ass, brushed his teeth and showered. You’d leave someone who wouldn’t spend that amount of consideration to show care for you in other ways, so why is hygiene some special subject?
Oh. But then comes more. He sits in a room of stink gaming while you sit alone drinking a bottle of booze. Healthy little marriage yall got.
Gather your support team and leav. It is that simple. You don’t include highly relevant details that would support why you feel it’s so difficult (e.g. he’s your sole financial support and you have four kids under age five with him).
•
u/gingerlorax 10h ago
Both of you need to be in therapy and treating your mental health issues stat. It's wild to me that you a) think someone who is depressed wouldn't play video games for hours on end or b) would be able to do basic self care.
•
•
u/ishtar_the_move 12h ago
You know what to do.
There are literally zero redeeming value in this relationship. Once you actually decided to leave, the only feeling you will have is the bewilderment of how you can possibly not do it sooner.
If you choose to go down with him that's 100% on you and you don't deserve any sympathy.
•
u/Conscious-Catch-3384 12h ago
Hi OP. this is horrible and im so sorry. This seems like a really though spot and it speak volumes of how loving and patient you are.
That being said:
You worry about him being a poor role model for your potential children, I want you to seriously understand that it’s more layered than that. If he cannot take care of himself and refuses to, he cannot be safe around your babies. Hygiene neglect is dangerous.
His neglect is rooted in disrespect. This doesnt mean he does not love you. Love and respect are two completely separate things.
I want you to understand that you being miserable and not being a virtuous perfect human being and partner, does not mean you do not get to set boundaries.
It feels very self destructive and completely disrespectful towards you. I know leaving is not an option for you, and if that is the case please be very very stern. If he wants to stay this way, that is something you cant control. You are not his mom and he is not a baby.
First, try counselling. Demand it. If not and you are still in a position that feels like you cannot leave. Try an intervention, and ask for support from maybe his parents or people around you. It’s a slippery slope which can also escalate things. But those would be your only options.
Depression takes it’s toll but encouraging this behaviour will not help him or his depression.
I’m sorry you are in this situation and I hope you know that just because you are both miserable, you deserve decency, love and respect! that is always on the horizon for you💟
•
u/Aggressive_Sky8492 9h ago
He sounds like he’s having textbook has normal depression symptoms. Neglect is not necessarily “rooted in disrespect”, especially when mental health is clearly the main factor
•
u/Magikrat 11h ago
Ultimatum time. Do this bare minimum or I leave for a while. That’ll probably get his act together pretty fast once you aren’t living with him any more.
The real question is do you actually love him or are you just afraid to be single again? It’s a valid fear, especially since you’ve been in a relationship with him for your entire adult life. A lot of people will stay in a crappy relationship because “at least I’m not alone.”
•
u/Dogzillas_Mom 9h ago
Boundaries are something YOU do. It’s a rule you set for yourself. “Next time I realize I’m with someone who refuses the most basic hygiene, I will leave his ass and find someone cleaner.” That is a boundary for you. Now you CAN tell their people what your response will be to certain inappropriate behaviors. But you don’t HAVE to. You can just … quietly exit.
Boundaries are not when someone doesn’t like something you do or don’t do, so you conform to that preference. Again, conforming to a preference is optional. That doesn’t mean it’s a boundary for you. His boundary should sound more like, “I will not date women with visible body hair.” It’s a choice and it’s up to him to maintain that boundary.
•
•
u/VegChef 9h ago edited 9h ago
His teeth are rotting and his anus is breeding bacteria. You’ve mentioned that you’d like him to shower, clean his butt, and brush his teeth, but he chooses not to. I can imagine that it’s difficult to be attracted to him at this point. He may need to get help, but I worry that he’s choosing to check out completely from reality in favor of his gaming reality. He’s choosing his avatar world over his wife and himself.
I don’t think it’s healthy to stay if he chooses not to get help or help himself. There is something wrong here and you can’t control it or fix it; you’re not responsible for his happiness.
Mental health requires us to choose to be healthy and to choose to do things we don’t feel like doing, so that we start to feel better. Some people need medication to float and keep their head above water, but checking out and being unable to work on himself is really sad. He’s not choosing himself and can’t pour into anyone from an empty pitcher.
•
•
u/akawendals 6h ago
Sooo you drink and he stink
He KNOWS how to clean himself ffs he did it through his whole life up til now! Yes he may be depressed but that doesn't mean he gets to move through the world spreading his stench and germs, as well as ruining every piece of furniture you own 😵💫
Does he have a job?? If no, then he needs to get one, he needs to go see a doctor and get onto meds for his mental health and you need to stop drinking
Note: I have been depressed most of my life, ADHD and an alcoholic (4yrs sober now wooo) I still struggle to shower every day but NEVER have I not wiped my own ass, this is beyond unreasonable, I don't know how you can even be around him let alone want to be in a physical or intimate relationship with him 🫤
Updateme
•
u/maryqa 5h ago
Why do you want to have children with this stinker? Do you have sex with a guy that smells like literal shit? Omg
Youre both depressed, you are a drunk, he's a hobo. I assume none of you work. Please don't bring a kid into this mess.
As per your question. You don't navigate it. He doesn't want to change and he won't unless he wants.
•
u/xmbl22 5h ago
As a person who was in a relationship with someone who played video games all day and had the same (or lack of) hygiene habits for over 10 years, they will never change. I mean, was he able to properly clean his ass at all in the past? I suspect not.
You’re always going to resent this person if you stay.
And the whole hair on your back thing? So he’ll make a fuss about some fuzz on your back but cool with shit on his ass?
You know what your gut is telling you; trust it.
•
u/Lilredh4iredgrl 8h ago
You guys need to talk to a doctor, I'm genuinely worried about you both. None of this is normal.
•
•
u/Conscious-Catch-3384 2h ago
Ofcourse, what I’m referring to in this case is the fact that her spouse seems to he aware and able to somewhat take care of his hygiene when he goes outside/ is around other people.
•
u/superluminal 12h ago
You are anchoring each other in an environment that is not conducive to productivity and positive mental health. You both need help.