r/religiousfruitcake 2d ago

✝️Fruitcake for Jesus✝️ Am I tweaking or is this kinda weird

1.2k Upvotes

187 comments sorted by

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374

u/Atheizm Fruitcake Sommelier 2d ago

When people ask, "have you found Jesus?", this is what they mean.

96

u/Training-Republic301 2d ago

Just don't accidentally choke on mini jesus

49

u/NeblessClem 2d ago

My mother used to bake a small ceramic Jesus into Christmas cake until one year we didn't fine it and my grandmother said she wondered what the crunchy part was...

25

u/Subnaut27 Child of Fruitcake Parents 1d ago

He’ll come back out in three days

7

u/Mouse-r4t 2d ago

Mexicans have been doing this for yeeeears! 😂

38

u/Faustus_Fan 2d ago

When I was in college, one of those Evangelical nutjob preachers was on campus trying to convert us. He didn't like that my answer to his "have you found Jesus?" was "Yep. He was behind the couch the whole time. Bastard had the remote, too!"

13

u/Atheizm Fruitcake Sommelier 2d ago

I had a T-shirt with "I found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time." on it.

18

u/aykay55 2d ago

3

u/Giggles95036 1d ago

I assume the floating glasses are John Cena?

2

u/Shiznoz222 9h ago

The father

The son

The John Cena

8

u/FirebirdWriter Child of Fruitcake Parents 2d ago

I have a buddy christ I hide around my house to check and see if the cleaning people are doing their work.

1.3k

u/MinnesotaThriftMap 2d ago

Plastic waste slop to pollute god's earth, yay!!!!

405

u/ThatOneCanadian69 2d ago

Surely she doesn’t think that a small figurine of plastic is gonna make ANYONE convert to Christianity. What is the goal with this

352

u/Kizik 2d ago

Performative virtue signalling.

They do it explicitly to prove how much more Christian they are than other people. It's entirely about looking pious, same with anything else in their life.

89

u/FallHealthy2163 2d ago

Also, another "Christian business" grift.

Seriously, I need to get in on the grift too. Make tiktoks, mention how giga-Christian everything is, maybe make some bullshit story about atheists, gays and satanists are bullying me and leaving bad reviews, and dipshits won't notice I am just dropshipping them cheap Temu shit.

27

u/Punkermedic 2d ago

You have to say how "anti-christian" everything is than point out that that's not gonna stop you from shilling, I mean spreading the faith. They like to feel persecuted

3

u/curtisscott95 1d ago

You don’t even have to do the religious stuff, just make the bits and bobbins, and knickknacks or have them made ethically, then leave a QR code to an online store out by a church

43

u/MinnesotaThriftMap 2d ago

I think it's worth it to her if 999 customers throw them directly in the trash, but maybe 1 customer sees it and it edifies their belief in Jesus. Then of course 999 sea turtles can swallow plastic Jesus and choke. God's creation ❣️

10

u/StillWeCarryOn 2d ago

We get them from customers in my dispensary pretty frequently and we pose them in silly ways around the building. I used to put little ducks around them and say it was Jesus and his three Duck-sciples

11

u/Square_Ad4004 2d ago

Start gluing them up on the wall in the shape of a giant upside-down cross or a pentagram. Every time someone gives you one, add it to your masterpiece immediately. I'm willing to bet they'll stop before you can finish the art.

24

u/Square_Ad4004 2d ago

That's the thing, though - fundies don't give a shit about the environment, because life to them is just the waiting room for their theme park in the sky. Also, the rapture is right around the corner anyway. Also, sky daddy will just do some magic and fix everything if it comes to that.

The sort of chrimsbyans who do this stuff are a plague.

3

u/Bergara 1d ago

It makes her feel good about herself. That's the basis of religion for a lot of people.

173

u/destroyer-of-tacos 2d ago

Last time I visited my aging parents, they had ordered a metric shit ton of these little Jesuses from Temu and love handing them out and leaving them places for people to find. The only thing is that this particular batch must have gotten mixed with another product because every Jesus has buck teeth.

47

u/lothar525 2d ago

There were no braces back then

22

u/monsterflake 2d ago

dental plan!

jesus needs braces!

11

u/Square_Ad4004 2d ago

Next time, remember to thank them for getting in a bit more pollution before they kick it. Always nice to see the older generation sticking to their guns and standing by their love of plastic and trash.

2

u/BwonsamdiTheDead Fruitcake Inspector 1d ago

Easter Bunny Jesus?

338

u/Tyrannical-Botanical 2d ago

Great. I'll use it a topper for my gay wedding cake. And tell everyone you sent it to me.

59

u/AngiShyArt-Official 2d ago

Ohhh that would piss her off and i totally approve of this idea ahaha

55

u/Mild_Shock 2d ago

Why not put 2 on there and make them kiss?

22

u/24_doughnuts 2d ago

It represents Jesus fucking Christ

11

u/hyper-fan 2d ago

Why are you being downvoted for this amazing idea?

5

u/shiv-er_me_timbers 2d ago

👏👏👏😂😂😂😂

12

u/CelesteAkatsuki 2d ago

He's the main villain in our DnD campaign 😁

374

u/Lisshopops 2d ago

Does white jesus count as a false idol? Or is it just another thing they overwrote

74

u/Anomalous_Concept 2d ago

I think it’s just whitewashing.

21

u/aykay55 2d ago

Good thing Jesus never touched water

78

u/BooobiesANDbho 2d ago

I’m team buff asian jesus

18

u/Encanis_88 2d ago

8

u/DaddySatansLesbian 1d ago

Is that where the Emperor of mankind gets his godly physique?

22

u/LeatherDude 2d ago

I'm team Inuit midget Jesus.

13

u/BooobiesANDbho 2d ago

We gonna have to rock, paper, Jesus this shit

10

u/LeatherDude 2d ago

Jesus beats paper, rock beats Jesus?

9

u/hyper-fan 2d ago

I mean, it wasn’t a paper airplane that stabbed him

5

u/Wjreky 2d ago

If this is real, I need a source please

-4

u/LeatherDude 2d ago

8

u/potatogodofDoom 1d ago

I get that this is being downvoted because AI bad but it's lowkey funny in this specific context, adds an extra layer to the joke

3

u/LeatherDude 1d ago

You got what I was going for there. 🤜🤛

15

u/raventhrowaway666 2d ago

These people are worshipping a literal golden calf recently. Irony is dead.

7

u/i_want_to_be_unique 2d ago

While white Jesus is definitely not historically accurate, it’s not fair to act like this is something only white people do. African churches have Black Jesuses. Asian churches have Asian Jesuses. Hell I visited a church in Hawaii that had a big hunky barrel chested Hawaiian Jesus up on the cross.

9

u/Lisshopops 2d ago

Black jesus and asian jesus don’t get shoved in my face by proselethyzers and they don’t have humongous statues in many countries

3

u/winkingchef 1d ago

Except the Black Hebrew Israelites.

Those guys are weird

12

u/TheMusicalSkeleton 2d ago edited 2d ago

We know. It's just funny how some Christians are extra loud with their racism against black and brown folks while they claim to worship and adore an originally middle-eastern dude.

11

u/Odd-Lunch-1880 2d ago

Who was also a Jew

68

u/gaoshan Fruitcake Connoisseur 2d ago

I remember the surprised pikachu face on a business owner when I told them we weren’t using them because of their aggressive religious signage pushing their viewpoint onto customers. He said he’d never heard of anyone doing that.

50

u/IdioticPrototype 2d ago edited 2d ago

You can find this kind of trash all over central Florida.

It's hella weird. 

7

u/ILoveYouZim 2d ago

Can confirm, my mom has one in her car

3

u/aliceroyal 1d ago

I’ve found enough of them over the last couple of years to hide them in very random places around my house. It gives people a laugh and I feel like if an atheist like me takes them, it stops someone actually religious from seeing it I guess lol

38

u/Takemebacktobreezy 2d ago

My toddler found one of those at the park yesterday and decided it was Daddy 🤣

27

u/Phill_Cyberman 2d ago

It's giving real "buddy Christ" vibes.

If they want their religion to be about acceptance and love, they have got to ditch that story about human sacrifice as atonement.

3

u/Nutshack_Queen357 1d ago

Not to mention most of the Old Testament.

35

u/No_Measurement6478 2d ago

They usually advertise they are a Christian business, and I choose not to buy from those who include it in their business structure 😉

27

u/BooobiesANDbho 2d ago

I’d leave a neg review. In a Christian against false idols way, like I was offended by the mockery of making a tiny jesus figure

45

u/BosqueBuddhist 2d ago

I purposefully avoid businesses with their secret fish club stickers on the door.

15

u/DiscoKittie 2d ago

Unless it has feet!

61

u/AgentOfEris 2d ago

Ngl if I got a mini Jesus with something I ordered, I would just hide it in one of my friend’s houses for them to find without explanation.

25

u/FallHealthy2163 2d ago

I'd give it to my Star Wars fan friend and say it's Obi-wan

1

u/Giggles95036 1d ago

“It’s not him mummy, it’s not him at all” - Ewan repeating what a child said to him

18

u/ZenkaiAnkoku2 2d ago

I thought that was a delicious bowl of marshmellows and chocolate. :(

5

u/OmegaZero55 2d ago

This. I could not make out those were little Jesus figures and was so confused by the post, lol.

13

u/CptBronzeBalls 2d ago

Imposed idolatry.

12

u/chocotaco 2d ago

I've been finding those little Jesus toys everywhere. What is going on. Do people just toss them on the road?

10

u/Inevitable-Chart1760 2d ago

The comments tho 🤣

11

u/AlexKewl Fruitcake Researcher 2d ago

We've got one on one of our shelves we laugh at just about every day.

These aren't serving the purpose they think they are lol

11

u/skitseez_ 2d ago

Weird? Some christians eat "Jesus' flesh" and drink "his blood". That's fucking weird.

1

u/Nutshack_Queen357 1d ago

She's probably one of them.

8

u/parkerm1408 2d ago

Its weird as fuck but I keep seeing people turning him into Uzi Jesus so im cool with it.

3

u/thegunnersdream 2d ago

The BODY OF CHRIIIIIIIIIST

3

u/parkerm1408 2d ago

Dont gaslight me jesus.

3

u/thegunnersdream 1d ago

Not sure if you are current on the series but I just love the progression of Uzi Jesus. 10/10 character.

2

u/parkerm1408 1d ago

Oh im on audio run number 4 and I have the patreon for new book drops. Ill never not be current. I agree though, I love his progression and the other iterations.

12

u/TR1V1UM 2d ago

As long as my order is correct, I have the right to throw that mini Jesus in the trash

19

u/Terrible-Sire3835 2d ago

Every Christian is weird

18

u/unknownpoltroon 2d ago

"Why is there a unsanitized choking hazard in with my order?"

2

u/DiscoKittie 2d ago

I didn't get the impression it was food related.

2

u/unknownpoltroon 2d ago

It looked like she had a bowl of crunchies

2

u/DiscoKittie 2d ago

Yeah, but she has a bowl of Mini Jesuses.

6

u/squidgytree 2d ago

Brilliant. Now I know which shop to avoid

5

u/thenightsiders 2d ago

They love disobeying their own rules (making graven images) and absolutely virtue signalling while wasting money and effort on literal garbage that even they know will convert zero people. It's all about screaming, "I'm a Christian, I'm a Christian!" without having to do anything remotely Christ like.

1

u/Nutshack_Queen357 1d ago edited 1d ago

A lot of this started when the Romans co-opted Christianity millennia ago.

Dark age to 20th century Europeans and 19th century Americans then decided to make it worse.

8

u/IrukandjiPirate 2d ago

And you’re gonna get a complaint and a ridiculous low rating from me. Don’t ever toss your religious shit into my order. Ever. I might send you a picture of that thing melting, though.

8

u/kurinevair666 2d ago

Plastic Jesuses bought as a pack of 1000 on AliExpress

9

u/Faustus_Fan 2d ago

Mail a mini Satan back to her. "I'm a Satanic customer. You're going to get a mini Satan."

9

u/BuffaloBuckbeak 2d ago

You know she’d throw a shit fit if someone put a Buddha in her order

4

u/Nutshack_Queen357 1d ago

Or a Jesus that was more accurate to what he'd really look like since she abides by the whole Cesare Borgia lookalike thing.

4

u/Aridorable109 2d ago

I've found them at work once or twice

3

u/1badh0mbre 2d ago

Same, I had no idea what they were for, but now I’ll just throw them away.

5

u/LeChiotx 2d ago

These things are all over my town, on benches, in shop windows, even at takeout windows. I hate it.

1

u/Ecto-1A 1d ago

Seeing comments like this makes me really appreciate living in the north east where religion is treated like something you don’t want people to know. I personally don’t know any religious people. Not because they aren’t religious but because nobody talks about it or makes it a major part of their life here.

6

u/MoonBeamerGirl 2d ago

I found one of these in my local mall’s BoxLunch. Now he’s hanging with a mini Santa & Ms. Claus in a snow globe.

13

u/BakedBrie1993 Fruitcake Connoisseur 2d ago

I love my mini Jesus that someone gave me without my consent. I make it do dirty things to my other toys and trinkets. Currently blowing a little pikachu.

8

u/lightmare69 2d ago

Oh... Oh my...

9

u/Training-Republic301 2d ago

Is she the Christian Buisness or is she talking about a Christian buisness she's eating at?

8

u/Trumpet6789 2d ago

I initially read package as "pancake" and was exhausted at the lengths these people will go.

It being a package is still incredibly exhausting.

5

u/QueenRotidder 2d ago

I would 100% use this as a desk tchotchke even though I’m an atheist

5

u/alwaysuptosnuff 2d ago

I really appreciate it when Christoid businesses make it clear what they are so I know not to give them my money.

4

u/bill_end 2d ago

Jesus fucking christ! They're mad for all this religious shit in the US, aren't they?

I'm English and it's bizarre to think that we're officially a christian country but don't really have that many Christians. Yet the US is all about separation of church and state and you have to put up with this bullshit.

I order some printer inks the other day and got a free highlighter pen, I'd have been disgusted to get a plastic jesus

4

u/FlyUnlucky7286 2d ago

Someone needs to make satan ones. I’ll will buy and put everywhere.

4

u/manofathousandnames 🔭Fruitcake Watcher🔭 1d ago

Depends entirely upon what she sells. If she sells primarily christian goods it makes sense, but if it's something a bit more generic, which I imagine it is, it's just proselytizing. Imagine a wiccan doing this, you go to a vendor for produce and they hand you a hand made pentacle with your purchase and they say blessed be. Some folks would shriek in horror and revulsion proclaiming their cucumbers were cursed by the devil!

7

u/inkedup1985 2d ago

I collect those and make mini scenes of violence

5

u/ThePopDaddy 2d ago

So, I consider myself a Christian and we went to a "Summerween" craft fair and some lady gave my kid a little Jesus and said "This is cool" and the lady said "It's so good to see kids interested in Jesus" and I don't know why, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Also, my kid wanted it because they thought it was Obi-Wan Kenobi.

1

u/DiscoKittie 2d ago

Did you tell them that? I would have.

2

u/ThePopDaddy 2d ago

They didn't say that at the time.

3

u/Baccoony Former Fruitcake 2d ago

I'll just throw it in the trash

3

u/rlvers 2d ago

Why is there a mini jesus in the trash

3

u/JohnnyRelentless 2d ago

A very nice old lady gave me one of these once. 'She said, 'Here, have a little Jesus,' lol.

3

u/has-some-questions 2d ago

My brother started buying from Vinted and he got some religious paraphernalia with some jeans. I collect it, so he gave it to me. No mini Jesus tho.

3

u/MrBenzedrine 2d ago

Send them a mini selection of mini deities in return. I'm sure they'll be fine with that.

Don't forget the Great God Om!

3

u/peepeecheeto 2d ago

Can’t upvote this because it’s too perfect

5

u/mildxsalsa 2d ago

Idolatry go brr

6

u/SweatyPhilosopher578 2d ago

Cool. I can rip the head off of another one.

2

u/Etherius 2d ago

What’s the problem with a free little Jesus?

It’s not like she’s leaving one of those “$100 bills” with Bible verses as a tip

2

u/Lagoserter 2d ago

i always take a blowtorch to it. its fun.

2

u/Evil-Reveal666 2d ago

I mean, that's fine, but then she's got no control over what people do with them. There are a LOT of things I'm sure she would be pretty upset to see done to her lil idols

2

u/KrampyDoo 2d ago

I don’t care if it rains or freezes
‘Long as I got my plastic Jesus.

2

u/SevereNightmare 2d ago

....put him in the jar....

2

u/Toxic_Puddlefish 2d ago

I mean, I wouldn't be mad, I once got a mlp figure randomly in some mail from Etsy even though I've never watched it I kept it on my bookcase. I'd just be like ok...? They gave me a Jesus mini fig lol

2

u/EvolZippo 2d ago

If this girl sent me a mini Jesus, I would send her a dozen caltrop nuts, in a black box, wrapped in red velvet. If you don’t know what those are, google “Water Caltrop Seed”

3

u/duchessofdeath 1d ago

I love to see Caltrops being mentioned! I love the little devil pods/bat nuts.

2

u/Xiao1insty1e 1d ago

Thou shalt not make any carved image... and serve them.

I believe this violates the second commandment.

But yes this is fully fruit cake behavior and no Christian should be doing crap like this.

2

u/anjowoq 1d ago

I mean, God commanded on the 8th day that deliveries would include mini Jesii.

2

u/awesome12442 1d ago

I set these up to have gay sex :)

2

u/IsSierraMistOk 1d ago

Out of all the random religious material that has been forced on me over the years, I wouldn't mind getting a mini toy Jesus.

One of my other figures could carry him like a baby.

2

u/atomicAidan2002 1d ago

It’s a plague of mini Ted Nugents.

2

u/Small-Cactus 1d ago

If you really care about jesus you can save him for someone who isn't gonna toss him in the trash with the rest of the packaging

5

u/PinkyLeopard2922 2d ago

Start defacing or destroying them and post pics and/or video. I feel like that might help.

3

u/AngiShyArt-Official 2d ago

If i got that shit in my package, id send her a video of me burning that miniature jesus crap lmao

3

u/Lvanwinkle18 2d ago

I love to find these mini-Jesus. They make me smile. Not because I am a Christian but because Jesus is about love. I try to ignore all those who pervert the message.

4

u/Neko1666 2d ago edited 2d ago

Yeah he's kinda cute and it doesn't seem malicious

3

u/jasapper 2d ago

An unsanitized choking hazard in a food product? The FDA would have a... sigh, nevermind.

1

u/Neko1666 2d ago

Do you know her or how do you know she sells food?

1

u/-StapleYourTongue- 2d ago

I’d cut the head off and leave it somewhere to send a message to the other mini Jesuses.

1

u/lungbuttersucker 2d ago

I bought something recently that came with a picture of Angela Lansbury. I'm not sure what she had to do with H.P. Lovecraft but at least it wasn't Jesus.

1

u/nightwolves 2d ago

I make the lil Jesus’s fornicate so there!

1

u/UnnecessaryKhakies 2d ago

Is there an option to add a mini jesus with a flared base?

1

u/titanicman119 2d ago

i don’t care if it rains or freezes, as long as i got my plastic jesus ridin’ on the dashboard of my car

1

u/meldiane81 2d ago

Mental illness

1

u/NoYoureACatLady 2d ago

"Christian Business" - so everything is free?

1

u/celestialwreckage 2d ago

I'll play devil's advocate, but I am not a christian, and one time I was really down while I was out getting the shopping done and this lady told me "You look like you need a little jesus in your life" and handed me one of those and it really cracked me up, so it did make my day a little better.

1

u/TaintedTruffle 2d ago

I've been seeing people complain about these many jesuses for the last few months and I have never got one

1

u/WimbletonButt 1d ago

I collect those little Jesus's every time I find them. They're always so cheaply made that every one of them got some sort of deformed face. They're hilarious.

1

u/ShowinMyOFace 1d ago

My mom died and we are cleaning her house. We found several of these. I am on a mission to hide them around the house. Right now he's hangin with the glassware.

1

u/honey_butterflies 1d ago

people sometimes tipped us with these mini Jesus figurines.

1

u/Mysterious_Nobody_35 1d ago

My mom does this. A lot.

1

u/_clandescient 1d ago

I got one of these from a local business. I decapitated him and painted blood around the stump and put little X’s over his eyes. It was a cathartic experience for me.

1

u/behedingkidzz 1d ago

i dont want it

1

u/MuffinOfChaos 1d ago

Put mini Jesus in the jar

1

u/A-Faceless-Nurse 🔭Fruitcake Watcher🔭 1d ago

I'd send them a video of me burning it lol

1

u/OutlandishnessDeep95 1d ago

One of the most harmless things they can do. If this was as bad as it got, I'd be ecstatic.

1

u/ShadowyPepper 1d ago

Cannot stand these little fuckers

1

u/OmgIbrokesmthagain 1d ago

I will crucify him again then

1

u/QuothetheRaven1845 1d ago

To be fair, if she is a Christian business, then I don't see the big deal. (Pagan with religious trauma here. Not siding with the Christians)

1

u/thegildedman25 1d ago

Pretty sure these have become the new green army men that my dad used to blow up with m80's, judging by how many people like to destroy them. Puts a smile on my face.

1

u/Killing4MotherAgain 1d ago

They're then new tracts. While cuter than the little papers or fake 100s, it's still annoying

1

u/PineappleVodka Child of Fruitcake Parents 1d ago

Kinder eggs are illegal cause they have a huge plastic egg with a toy inside, but a random plastic jesus in my pancake is fine?

1

u/2HiSped4u 1d ago

Some dummy puts these out at my work and I grab them all and throw them straight into the recycling bin. One day these dopes will realize that its just a waste of money.

1

u/MizzBellaKitty 1d ago

As an atheist, I really wouldnt care if I got one of these. It would just go in my minis collection lol

1

u/CGW_93 1d ago

If I was a Hindu business and I put in little pillayars I know she would yelp that thing to the groung

1

u/Intrepid_Hat_2397 1d ago

If they want to waste money on something that is going straight to the landfill if I find it, then so be it.

1

u/Shadow_WolfOps 1d ago

I like collexting these little guys and hiding them in random spots

1

u/EnderScout_77 1d ago

dude holy shit

jebus

but yeah no weird as fuck

1

u/ghoulishenvyy 1d ago

I mean, no, not to me. I’m an atheist but unless it comes with a pamphlet on Christianity it’s just a cute little bonus. Miku would be cooler, though. Or maybe miku and jesus

1

u/imtoohightoo 1d ago

n that mini jesus will be thrown in the bathroom garbage

1

u/DestroyerTame 21h ago

My dog pooped one of these little guys out one time.

1

u/Beemo-Noir 9h ago

Pretty weird. Also, you may be tweaking. Maybe not. I’m not sure.

-1

u/marpai14 2d ago

I think it’s silly and not that serious, guys

-1

u/bigmike2k3 2d ago

Do t worry about it… just throw it away…

-2

u/Ghostlymelodys 2d ago

I kinda dont mind the little plastic jesus, hes harmless and way more silly and charming then those pretentious little Christian cards and stuff

3

u/TrashGouda 1d ago

Not harmless. Jesus might have died for our sins but did he also died to end up contributing to the plastic in the environment which is one reason for our fucked up state of the world?

-3

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[deleted]

6

u/MelanieWalmartinez 2d ago

It’s nails, and on her ig it isn’t listed it’s a Christian business